deep end...

as in "going off of the."

That is my life today, and for the past 15 hours. So I had the cramps on Saturday night. Almost 24 hours after they started, I started getting this discolored, brownish discharge. Not alot, but enough for my eagle eye to catch it. I swear, whether I am ever a mom or not, I do not think I will ever NOT look at a piece of toilet paper in the same way. Anyhoo...I immediately (and still am) think the worst. This is typically how my pre period spotting starts. This gunky stuff, followed by brown spotting, then pink, then viola..not pregnant again.

I am a mess. I slept maaayyybeeee 2 hours last night. Maybe. I didn't tell Dan. What's the point. All night, I just kept thinking 1) how in the world can we afford another IVF, and 2) how in the world can I emotionally handle another IVF. I consider myself a fairly strong person. My IRL friends can vouch for that, I think. I've been through alot, Dan and I have been through alot. But I just feel like I have been drug through the mud, run over 1000 times, punched in the gut, and then fed to the sharks. That's not really an exaggeration.

I told my mom this morning that I wasn't feeling optimistic. I didn't tell her about what's going on. She started out great, really positive, in good spirits, saying all the right things. I finally admitted to the financial strain, and how if this was covered by insurance it would be devastating, but not AS devastating. Her response "If you want a child or children which I know that you do, you will have to deal with it." Ouch. Harsh. Thanks. I didn't reply to that, and deleted it immediately. She was doing so well there for a bit.

I posted on the Nest this morning, and received some really nice responses, that cleared my foggy head a bit and moved me closer to the rational side. That's not to say I'm feeling totally rational, I still feel like this will end badly and just want to get it over with now.

Oh, and I'm going to call Dr. K on Wed to see if I can get beta moved until Friday. Most other RE's would have scheduled my beta for this Wed. WU is just REALLY conservative. Technically, it should have been scheduled for next Sunday, but they don't do b/w then.