Strength

First of all, I'm still in a funk. I cannot shake this. Before I go into that though, I wanted to post a little saying that has been getting me through. I've been repeating it like a mantra:-) Stephanie sent it to me as flair on Facebook, but I can't seem to copy the button here. She sent it a few weeks ago, and it's been really important to me (thanks Steph!). It sums up my feelings very well. I will get through this, I HAVE to get through this.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Now...on to my continued funk and blah-ness. I slept almost all night last night, meaning from 6 pm on. Dan said "wow you were really sleeping!" My head was pounding like a drum after my last meeting, but I made it to the end of the day and went home and crashed. My E2 should be bottoming out tomorrow, so I'm sure that's what it is, but depression on top of a migraine that won't go away is oh so fun.

I talked to my nurse this morning to be sure it's ok to take Tynelol. I took 6 extra strength ones yesterday and she said it was fine. At this point, I can also take some Motrin. Once I start stimming though, it's back to Tylenol only. She also asked if I have a history of migraines (yes), so apparently that makes it worse too. Lovely. Thanks grandma for passing that on to me:-) I also found out that even if my supression check goes well tomorrow, I have to continue at the same 20 IUs of Lupron I've been taking. That won't decrease until Friday, when I add Follistim to the protocol. This means that I can expect the headache to hang around for a few more days.

So that's my life. Headaches, hot flashes and being on the verge of tears. Sounds great huh?! What am I going to do if this doesn't work? Seriously. I don't know how much more I have in me. I know once the hormone level adjusts I'll be feeling more normal, but what will I do if this fails too? I can't go there...but I can't NOT go there.

I feel like I'm a roulette marble that chooses red, while everyone's money is on black. Does that make sense? I just don't think I'm ever going to win at this. Win = a live "take-home" baby.

Aim, shove, squeeze...

As in, aim at the spot on my belly(there's a lot of space to aim!)...shove the needle in...and squeeze the plunger.

Lupron shot #1 is DONE! Feels good to be back in the game. Now the hard part will be in remembering to take it every night. It's not hard to remember to take Follistim, since I get some almost instant gratification from my monitoring appts. But Dan's been told he has to remind me every night at 9 pm to take my "baby medicine." We're such dorks.

Let the games begin!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been waiting over a month for today. I get to start Lupron tonight!!!!! I don't know why I'm so excited...I guess I have the hurry up and wait mentality. Although I start tonight, I won't know what's going on in there for 2 weeks. My protocol is to take 20 IUs for the next 14 days, and go in for u/s and b/w on 2/25. In other words...this is just a boring period of time as the BCP phase.

And I'm SO glad that's almost over. I take 5 more BCP and I'm done. Finally.

I'm starting to get anxious. I want to be positive, but...it's not my first time at the rodeo. I know all too well that IVF #2 might not work. In fact, there is a 50% chance that it won't work. Actually, scratch that...last time Dan and I saw Dr. K she had a 57% chance of success stat that she read to me, based on all our info, and her clinic. I suppose I'm happy to be over the 50% mark. But. Ugh. This is going to be torture.

As I was saying, I want to be positive, that is my nature. But I also want to be realistic, which to me pretty much means going into this assuming it won't work. Nothing like having low expectations, huh;-) Seriously. I'd rather be prepared for the worst and get the best, that be overly optimistic and have my heart broken again. Not to mention the bank account.

Thankfully, I don't think we'll need to ask MIL for money. We'll pay for 1/2 this time, and my parents the other 1/2. If it comes to #3(GASP) it'll be time to hit her up again. If I could even go through it again.

Whoevers reading...please send me good thoughts.

I can't get away from it

OMG. I just got back from a business trip. It was a conference my boss was invited to, but couldn't attend, so I took her place. It was on Aging for God's sake, and 4/7 presentations mentioned infertility. Holy crap. Really. I was in another state, secluded in a nice hotel, and really thought I could "forget" it for a bit. One quote I remember (b/c I wrote it down!) is that 20% of women in their early 40's are childless. Now, this obviously doesn't account for those that are childless by choice...but STILL. Do you really need to bring this up at a conference on aging???

Whatever.

My IVF plan has changed a bit. Turns out Dr. K is out of town 2 weeks in March. So, to ensure that I am ready for ET when she is in STL, they put me on bcp for 23 days. It seems SO counter-productive, but it is what it is. I'll start Lupron on 2/11 and stims on 2/27.

At least the BCPs feel like progress. At least I am doing something.

Blah. Not having a good day.