spotting.........

You have got to be kidding me. Really and truly kidding.

I am spotting. Of course Dr. K office closes early on Tuesday so I couldn't talk to anyone there. I called OB and nurse said it is more than likely b/c of the internal u/s yesterday. I'm not cramping so that is a good sign. I told her h/b looked good yesterday, and Dr. K said she saw no reason to worry.

First OB appt is Friday, so I asked if I could get an u/s to ease my mind. They had already told me I wouldn't get one, since Dr. K had already been able to date the pregnancy. Apparently the abdominal u/s machine isn't in the office on Friday? WTH is up with that? She did say that if
Dr. S (OB) couldn't find fetal heart tones wiht the doppler then she would do another internal u/s. Apparently that isn't ideal though b/c if it is the dildo-cam that is irritating my cervix than they don't want to re-irritate.

I'm not horribly worried about it, b/c the rational side of me has heard stories of spotting after u/s many many times. Plus, it's not completely uncommon to spot during the first trimester anyway.

WHY ME? Can't I PLEASE get a free pass? I think I have earned that.

I think my head might explode

I do not know how I will make it to Thursday. I just don't know. I am back to work today, and was super busy this morning. Now I am back at my desk and my mind is wandering. Actually, wandering is an understatement. It's already gone.

I'm giving myself a headache. I can feel it coming on. I had a headache about 3 days last week. I looked up "early pregnancy symptoms" this morning, and headache is one of them. Plus, I've had some heartburn. I've had some crampy feelings in my girlie parts. As I have said before I am wayyy in tune with my body, so yes I do feel something going on down there. It's reassuring. Spotting seems to be gone as of this morning.

I'm taking these simple things and riding on them for the next 2 days. I've googled "beta numbers", "low beta numbers", "IVF low beta numbers", etc. It's not making me feel much better.

I keep telling myself over and over that Dr. K said my number was ok. And that she wanted to call me herself b/c she was excited for me, so that must be good right??? But, why couldn't I just have a big number that left me with no room to worry???? Why me? I feel like I'm whining, and I am. I know I am. But it's my blog and I'll do what I want. I just want it to be easy. Or at least semi-easy. I think I've earned it.

Dan is mad at me. He thinks I am stressing too much. Which I am. But I can't stop. Dan is calling Sierra big sister, and it's a little infuriating to me, although I think it's sweet at the same time.

I hope I don't seem ungrateful, b/c I'm not. I've never been this pregnant before. I just don't want it ripped away from me before I even get a chance to enjoy it.

because I am a freaker-outer

I posted my news on the nest, e-mailed a few people and then just completely shut-down. I just think that number is waaaayyyyy low. I called Dr. K who just called me back.

SHe assured me all is fine. They REALLY only want to see it over 100. She said the spotting was TOTALLY normal. She also moved beta #2 from next Monday to this Thursday. She told me again how deserving we are, and how she would do anything to get me pregnant. SHe said when she saw my results she wanted so badly to call me herself, but let the nurse do it (since she has to deliver the bad news also).

So there it is. It is what it is. Whatever happens, happens. I am going to try to start thinking positively. Stay tuned for Thursday!

Scared of the stick and oh so grateful...

Well, tomorrow is the day (unless I chicken out, which may happen). I had what I thought was a brilliant idea this morning. I pulled out my one last digital pregnancy test from way in the back of the bathroom cabinet. The idea was to pull it out, set it on the counter, look at it tonight, get used to is sitting there...in hopes of de-sensitizing myself to it and the idea of what it might tell me. I'm not kidding when I say I pulled the box out of the cabinet, pulled the plastic wrapped test out of the box, FREAKED OUT...threw the test back in the box, and the box back in the cabinet and slammed the door.

I'm afraid. Desparately afraid of it being negative. I know I have "plans" but I'm just not ready to see the NOT in front of the PREGNANT. Damn digital...the most expensive stick I will ever pee on. I think I could handle the line tests better. The absense of the 2nd line is a little less harsh than the presence of the NOT.

Spotting is the same. SOmetimes none, sometimes brown, not really pink anymore........

Now on to the grateful part...

Irregardless of what tomorrow (or Monday) brings, Dan and I feel so grateful to be surrounded by such caring people. Some people I/we have known FOREVER, some just a little while, and some we've never met; some are family, and some most definately feel like family. The thoughts, vibes, prayers, good juju, etc from everyone are SO much appreciated. I've received gifts, free meds (!!!), prayers from Japanese fertility gods and most recently the gracious offer of places to stay, should our quest for baby force us to look outside of STL. Last but not least, 3 different people have offered to carry our child, should it (God forbid) come to that. The knowledge that we still have choices, thanks to the generosity of others, keeps me going.

Thank you:-)

decision

Ok. I've gone back and forth about this, I've asked people, I've thought of the pros and cons, etc.

I'm taking a home test on Saturday morning, assuming I don't start full on bleeding before then (b/c we all know what that means). I will do the beta on Monday (b/c I don't feel like calling Idiot Fellow and trying to convince her to move the test date--I just don't have it in me).

If it's negative on Saturday, I will be prepared for the call on Monday. Then I will get drunk. Our anniversary is on Sunday, and although I'd hate to have horrible news, my attitude lately is probably worse than it would be if they would just tell me I'm not pregnant, so what's the difference?

If it's positive, I will be confident in getting a + beta, b/c there is no way this late into my cycle I'd get a false + on an HPT.

I'm just so afraid I'll pee on the damn thing and then refuse to look at it! I rarely take HPTs, simply b/c my period usually starts before I get the urge to test. So this whole drama on whether or not to test is kind of new to me.

I'm still spotting. About the same. Intermittently.

the waiting game

I am SO PISSED. PISSED!!!! I called Dr. K office this morning to ask to move my beta from Monday to Friday. I'm not optimistic, and thought having the weekend to process would be helpful. Dr. K and the other REs are all out of town. WTF is up with that. The other doc on duty said NO to my request to move the beta. I KNOW Dr. K would have complied. This was all relayed to me through the secretary. She said that the doc said if I'd been a 5dt she would have let me come on Friday, but b/c I was a 3dt she said no. I asked why, and obviously the secretary didn't know. Mother Fucker. Seriously people, what are you thinking. All I can say is thank God I talked myself down from the ledge on Monday, b/c I'm back up there again right now.

Now I don't know what to do. I think I may still take off Friday and test at home. I have a digital, and by Friday it would be totally accurate. I have a BIG week at work next week and cannot fathom taking off Monday, recovering from the devastation and then be back in working order all of next week. A person can only take so much and I'm at my limit. Can you tell?

The spotting update...I continued to spot brownish stuff until last night. Before bed/after waking today, it was almost non-existant. I've had one incident of pink spotting today.

Believe it or not(!!) I'm doing ok. (I must say that I got the call from the secretary as I was typing all this other stuff, so if I seem much more calm through the rest of the post, that's why.)

I'm well aware (and thanks to those who reminded me) that spotting with IVF is normal, even if the IVF is a success. Comparing to my first IVF, I was bleeding by now, so I consider the fact that I'm not yet, a good sign. Comparing to my FET, I had to stop the PIO before my period started. So, both of those cases are different than what I am experiencing now. Different is good, right?!

And, I got to have dinner with Jenny last night, who is a fellow Nestie and lives in KC. She came in unexpectedly, and I'm so glad she did. Yesterday was not a good day for either of us, and it was nice to debrief, and curse, and be mad and sad with each other. I don't care how supportive Dan is, there is nothing like talking to a girl, especially a girl that "gets" it.

I left dinner with a tentative plan to follow if this IVF doesn't work. I'm a planner, and while having a plan will NOT take away the devastation of a negative test, it will help me to know that I'm not done, I'm still in the game, and can get started on the next step. My plan, in no real particular order...

1) Get a consult with Dr. P.earlst.one (who Dr. K recommended as the only other Board Certified RE in STL).
2) Get a consult with Dr. W.itten and Ahl.ering. I know several people who are very happy with them (including Amy). Plus, they have some good financial packages, and will also do a uterine biopsy. Granted, it's not the one I want, but it's a step further than Dr. K/WU has ever been willing to go.
3) maaaayyybeeee get a consult with CCRM. Their stats are great, and this is who Jenny is using now. 86% success rate. Basically, if they can't get me pregnant no one can. The kicker? They are in Denver and 1 cycle is about $20k. We could pay $15kish for another cycle here in STL, or add $5k more and have a 30% increase in our chance of success.
4) I will GET the biopsy I want before we use the 2 frozen embryos from this cycle. Without getting that, and knowing that I'm "clear", I feel like I'd be "wasting" the embryos.
5) see my gyno for a regular exam b/c I am wwaaaaayyy past due (and maybe she can recommend someone who will do the biopsy I want).

deep end...

as in "going off of the."

That is my life today, and for the past 15 hours. So I had the cramps on Saturday night. Almost 24 hours after they started, I started getting this discolored, brownish discharge. Not alot, but enough for my eagle eye to catch it. I swear, whether I am ever a mom or not, I do not think I will ever NOT look at a piece of toilet paper in the same way. Anyhoo...I immediately (and still am) think the worst. This is typically how my pre period spotting starts. This gunky stuff, followed by brown spotting, then pink, then viola..not pregnant again.

I am a mess. I slept maaayyybeeee 2 hours last night. Maybe. I didn't tell Dan. What's the point. All night, I just kept thinking 1) how in the world can we afford another IVF, and 2) how in the world can I emotionally handle another IVF. I consider myself a fairly strong person. My IRL friends can vouch for that, I think. I've been through alot, Dan and I have been through alot. But I just feel like I have been drug through the mud, run over 1000 times, punched in the gut, and then fed to the sharks. That's not really an exaggeration.

I told my mom this morning that I wasn't feeling optimistic. I didn't tell her about what's going on. She started out great, really positive, in good spirits, saying all the right things. I finally admitted to the financial strain, and how if this was covered by insurance it would be devastating, but not AS devastating. Her response "If you want a child or children which I know that you do, you will have to deal with it." Ouch. Harsh. Thanks. I didn't reply to that, and deleted it immediately. She was doing so well there for a bit.

I posted on the Nest this morning, and received some really nice responses, that cleared my foggy head a bit and moved me closer to the rational side. That's not to say I'm feeling totally rational, I still feel like this will end badly and just want to get it over with now.

Oh, and I'm going to call Dr. K on Wed to see if I can get beta moved until Friday. Most other RE's would have scheduled my beta for this Wed. WU is just REALLY conservative. Technically, it should have been scheduled for next Sunday, but they don't do b/w then.

So far...

so good:o) Not sure what to think, but so far I've had no spotting. Not even a hint of spotting. Trying to keep myself in check, I'm working on the assumption that the PIO is actually working this time. Thus, holding off the spotting. I supposed it could also be the Estrace, but I haven't seen any documentation that Estrace holds off a period. So we'll see...

Here's a pic of me in the recovery room after FET. Note my ANgie bracelet, and my hands holding the FertilityPerson

In other news...I dyed my hair red this weekend; intense auburn/spicy salsa to be exact. It's a little too crazy for me, although Dan likes it:o) The pics below don't do it justice, I need to get one taken outside.

Here's the quilt I made for the wedding this weekend. And Sierra helping me sew:o)

I'm afraid....

to go to the bathroom. There, I said it. Today is THE day that the spotting COULD start. Right now, happy oblivion seems better to me than a smack in the face that the FET didn't work.