4dp5dt

This post was supposed to have a picture of the transferred embryos, but no such luck. I can't get it to upload. You aren't missing too much, just picture 3 moon looking blobs and you get the picture:)

So, here I sit at 4dp5dt (or it is 6d)? They were frozen at 5 days, but then given a day to thaw, so who knows really.

I'm feeling pretty ambivilent today. Not optimistic, not pessimistic. No symptoms to speak of. I spent the morning reading blogs of successful FETs. Probably not a smart move, but whatever. I need something, lol:)

Still debating on to test or not. In everything I've read, successful FETs typically start off on the low side, beta-wise. Meaning that if I DID test, and the HCG was too low, it might not show up. At the earliest, I would wait until Sunday.

With FET #1, I didn't spot at all. With IVF #2 (that worked), I spotted/bled alot. Given those two experiences, I'm not sure if I WANT to see blood on the tp, or not. And yes, I've started looking. That's just what I do.

If I remember correctly, my very first symptom with the SOphie pregnancy was heartburn. I remember it b/c I NEVER get heartburn. So far, no heartburn.

Hey little embies, what are you doing down there? Anything productive?

PIO is a pain in my bum...

literally and figuratively.

I am ROCKING the bruises on both hips this morning. Yikes. They h.u.r.t.

The PIO has also started those lovely "could-be" pregnancy symptoms, such as fatigue. Yesterday, Sophie, Sierra and I had a nice, long nap, lol. Before than (aside from my Valium induced nap on Friday), I cannot remember the last time I napped, and it felt GOOD:)

I'm trying to stay positive. I really am. The truth is, I think as of right now, my body knows if I'm pregnant or not. If any of those embies were going to implant, it would have happened this weekend. Sucks that I have to wait 9 more days to find out.

I'm so disappointed that they didn't look better. I'm so upset that I knew about those "great" stats with vitrification. I would have done better I think, assuming the worst, that I only had a 30% chance of this working. In my mind, I had built it up to be more like 50%, which isn't far-fetched at all considering the stats that Dr. K gave to me.

Dan started talking girl names this weekend. It's fun and all, but really? Shoule we go there? I think not. But it's so hard NOT to go there.

I told Dan on Saturday night that we WOULD be trying one last IUI if this does not work. I didn't say it that harshly, but I just laid it out there...that we have the frozen sperm...he has to do NOTHING in that cycle, except put up with a hormonal me, and that's it. THen, that really would be it. RIght?

I contemplated another fresh IVF as I was trying to fall asleep last night. I really don't think I could convince him of that. ANd why, really. We have our miracle. I don't want to be selfish.

9 days and counting...

The weighting game...

Up it goes.

My *normal* (pre-IF hormone) weight is about 130. When I got pregnant with Sophia I was up to 140, and then gained 23 pounds while pregnant. I lost it all within 10 days, and then the weight continued to plummet. At my thinnest, I weighed 122, but my norm, while breastfeeding, was about 124 (which was less than I weighed when we got married!). Complete weaning coincided with Christmas eating,so it's hard to say what's the culprit, but after Christmas I was up to 127.

Today, 3 days into Estrace (and nearing the end of my period) I weighed 128.5. So, here we go. Goodbye to my size 6 skinny jeans, lol:(

cows milk, straight up

Well, one of my worries has been swept off the table. This weekend, I gave Sophie a bottle with cow's milk only. I was really afraid she was not going to drink it, but she sucked it down:)

This week starts my cutting out the pre-work nursing session. My boobs were already full when I left for work, lol, and right now they feel like rocks:) I don't think I can hold out much longer!! I gave her a bottle this morning, which I thought she might resist, but surprisingly she is fine with it. Then, just to give myself a little relief, i let her nurse for one minute on one side and then stopped her.

Her b-day party planning is about done. I ordered the cake today, and we just have a few little things left on the list. I cannot believe she is going to be one.

In honor of the holidays...

crying it out...

To update about weaning...so far, cutting out this first session has been ok. 2 days ago, I went 12 hours though, and that was a bit rough on the girls, but I made it home and Sophia was able to give me some relief, lol.

I need to talk about about her overnight sleeping. Up until my sisters wedding about 6 weeks ago, we were totally in the groove. I'd successfully moved her bedtime to 9ish (from 10ish), and it was working well for us. Then, we spent 2 days in a hotel, with lots of new hands holding her, and it all went to hell. Since then, she sleeps in bed with us more often than she doesn't. I've finally gotten to the point that I let her fall asleep in our bed, and then (attempt to) move her to her crib. This typically results in her screaming about 5 minutes after I put her down, to which I respond by picking her up again and putting her back in our bed. We do this cycle 2-3times before I give up and just let her sleep in our bed.

I KNOW it's just about comfort. Seriously, once I pick her up and she knows she's on the way back to our bed, she's asleep before her head hits the bed.

I do LOVE her to sleep next to me, but this also feeds into comfort nursing in the middle of the night. Lately, she has wanted to nurse up to 3 times each night. It's fine, BUT, I know she's not hungry, and quite honestly it is tiring. Not her actual nursing, but waking up, falling asleep, same thing 2 hours later. Each night, I tell myself this has got to stop. THis is NOT going to be good for weaning.

So last night, I laid down the law. When I got home I told Dan "I'm going to let Sophie cry tonight. I don't know how long I will last, but I need you to be supportive of whatever I decide. I don't need your physical help, but I do need your emotional support so no sighing, foot-tapping, hand-patting on the chair to let me know in your passive aggresive way that you on not happy." He said ok, and that was that.

Fastforward to bedtime. She finally fell asleep in our bed, after nursing, at about 9:45. I put her in her crib at 10:10, and the crying started about 5 minutes later. She cried for 20 minutes. I wanted to give in. I really did. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that if she comes back to our bed, I will once again not get a solid night's sleep, not to mention the weaning aspect. Plus, I kept remembering people telling me "if you give in and go get her, you're going to have to go this long, plus more time, next time you try it." That alone was reason to not give in. And, the thought of my letting her cry like this was possibly scarring her for life also entered my mind a few times. As I was going back and forth in my mind, she stopped. Silence. For a second I wondered if she was dead, and that I realized how ridulous that thought was. I started to drift off, and then the crying started again. Slightly louder. She cried for another 10 minutes and then silence again. And that was that.

I must confess that I had a glass of wine before this ordeal started. Because I knew it would be an ordeal. It did make it slightly better, I guess. Is it horrible of me that I didn't find her crying completely heart-breaking? I mean, it was obvious she wasn't in pain. Her decibel level did get up there a few times, but for the most part it was a "why isn't anyone paying attention to me" cry.

She did wake up one time in the middle of the night, but I must have been exhausted b/c I barely heard her, which means I did NOT go get her. She woke up on her own at 7, ready to nurse, and then right back to sleep:)

So, I don't think there's any permanent damage done!

Project Weaning

The time has arrived. Today is my/our first day of weaning. It's pretty bittersweet to be at this point. I never in a million years thought that I would even WANT to breastfeed, let alone do it for over 11 months. I feel really good about, although a bit guilty about the weaning. I know that even if we weren't planning on a FET, I had planned to stop at 12 months. I just feel guilty that she is missing out on more, just b/c I am being selfish and want to try to have another baby.

I have stopped pumping at work (which allows me 10 minutes to write this post). Sophia obviously won't be affected by my stopping pumping, but my boobs sure are dreading it. I would say there have been a handful of times since returning to work that I forgot my pump/pump parts at home, and so couldn't pump. Let's just say I was thrilled when I got home. I'm assuming I'll start getting pretty uncomfortable about 3 pm.

I'm going to attempt to cut out 1 session every 7-10 days. Next week will be the before bed feeding, which generally happens around 9 pm. I am DREADING her reaction to it:(

Since there is sure to be lots of boob talk in the next few weeks, let's look at some fun pics today:)

Blurry, but I don't care. I love her little sausage arms. THis was Saturday, before bathtime:)



She loves cheese:) Until we got smart with cubed cheese, we were giving her shredded, which is what is all over her in this pic. Also, she is showing us her "touchdown" move:)