Acceptance...is it possible???

I think I may have gotten there. I just got back from my 3rd therapy appt. I was actually going to cancel it, but forgot, and didn't want to just not show up. We talked about my lap and next steps...and a bit about my relationship with Dr. K. And (gasp!!) acceptance

After the lap, Dan made the comment he thinks we (meaning me and Dr. K) are too close...like we've crossed the dr/patient boundary. I don't agree at all. I brought it up in therapy. Her thought was that an RE/patient connection is different than a normal dr/patient relationship. Essentially, Dr. K isn't just treating my uterus, to an extent she is also treating my mental health. Dan has been to more appts over the past 6 months, and I think he's now really seeing what an RE appt is like...and it happens to be something he has never experienced before. Therapist explained that RE appt are typically longer (as compared with regular docs), to ensure treatment of the patient. That makes sense to me. He's used to going to his doc every 2 years when he gets so sick he can't stand it, gets some meds and is sent on his way. Totally different than an RE.

As far as acceptance, I expressed to her what I have expressed to a few friends lately. To me, it's not really me vs. IF anymore. I'm not struggling anymore with why this is happening to me. It is what it is. I have this disease, and I have chosen to embrace it and struggle to get to the other side, instead of drowning in the "why me's." (Although trust me...I've been at the why me stage and it is no fun). IF is really just part of me. As apart of me as being born with brown hair and brown eyes. She said that is acceptance. It's not like I was ever striving to get to that point...but it's a good feeling. It's almost like I've given up a fight.

My first IF therapy appt

It went well. I really didn't know what to expect. I've been through therapy sessions before, but never about IF. I started getting really frazzled right before I left for the appt, and then on the way there I felt like I was going to explode. I guess it was fear of the unknown, to an extent. She started out by saying tell me about yourself. I summed up my life in about 4 sentences:-) and then we were rolling.

I liked her. She has alot of experience with IF and pregnancy post IF clients. She knew what I was talking about when I said lap and beta. That was a test and she passed.

We talked about my support system. She told me I need to ask Dan for more emotional help with this. She's probably right.

I started crying when I talked about baby bellies and how they are everywhere. We talked about how we live in a very family friendly neighborhood and there are strollers everywhere. She pointed out that just b/c a woman has a baby belly doesn't mean she didn't go through alot to get to that stage. Point taken. I'm going to remember that. I certainly wouldn't want someone to get jealous of my bump, if I ever get that far.

I told her I hate the feelings of jealousy I have, but no matter what I do...they don't go away. She said that's something she's heard time and again and it is completely normal.

I told her how I felt so horrible for setting up a 2nd opinion appt. I told her it felt like I was stabbing RE in the back and that made me feel bad. She made me feel better about that.

i told her I was tired of living in 2 week cycles. 2 weeks until O, then 2 weeks until period, lather, rinse, repeat. She told me I need to focus more on the present. We know we won't be progressing with treatment until January, but that I should stop letting the days just float by, living for the next procedure, treatment, etc.

In all, it was good, although I don't neccesarily feel like any weight was lifted from my shoulders. I'll be going back in 2 weeks.

Let's do it!

First of all, thanks to everyone for reading and giving comments about my letter to HR. It's by no means done, but I got alot of useful info in the comments you left here, and on the Nest. I'm going to include some stats, about what I'm not sure yet...but money people like stats, so I'm all about giving them what they need to make an informed decision. And Jeni-great point about the state mandate thing. If WU was located 20 miles east in Illinois, they would HAVE to offer IF coverage.

Now...to get to the title of my post. I told Dan about WTF appt last night. I'd tried to be calm, and objective and rational and all the things I thought would help:-) He said...let's do it!!!! And side note: we were having this discussion in the car and as he said let's do it I started crying. blah, so emotional. Anyhoo...at that exact time...a cute little couple with a cute little bump walked across the street. We just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I should clarify the "let's do it" by saying I don't know if he thought about what if we don't qualify for the Family Fund. I figured one step at a time..

So, please please PLEASE let us qualify for the Family Fund. I am going to be *that girl* and call the Office Manager this morning to see if I can get some info.

Also, in my letter I said I was seeing a therapist about all this crap. Not exactly true. However, Dr. K really pushed me to go see someone yesterday so I am going to. She's never steered me wrong. The woman she recommended used to work in the RE clinic, but now does private practice, still specializing in IF...another call I'm going to make this morning.

Wow. I'm starting to feel positive. Although I was awake from about 2-5 am just thinking, more like obsessing about stuff. I have to stay rational and realize that 1) we may not qualify and 2) if we do qualify it may not pay for all, or even half of the cost of IVF. I guess I can get that info from the Office Manager. Off to make that call:-)