Thursday, January 29, 2009

something positive

I was reading back through my last several posts and I have to say my life seems pretty craptastic, huh? It's really not so bad, I just tend to only write about IF stuff (it's an IF blog, duh!), and that's obviously a very negative topic at the moment. Here's my attempt at something more positive.

I love to read, I think I've said so before. My positive, optimistic side says that I am going to read 36 books in 2009. 3 a month. I can handle that. The only slight problem is I'm still finishing book #1 and it's the end of January...so I guess I better get going. The good news is that I have easily 36 un-read books at home, so I won't need to buy any! Yes, I am a book hoarder.

I'm currently reading Outlander (which is over 600 pages and the reason I haven't read more so far this year), along with some of the other Nestie girls. I'm loving it, although I told someone yesterday it seems more like a trashy novel at times, with a half naked Damsel in Distress on the cover:-) Guess we need a little bit of that in our lives every once in a while, right?!

In IF news...still on the pill (until Feb 15). Still feels like we're on hold. Slightly afraid of over supression from the pill but I'm trying to quell (don't think that's spelled right) all negative thoughts. Dr. K wouldn't have me on it if she didn't think it would help.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Have you prayed to God??

I was talking to my mom this morning, about IVF #2 and potential dates and things like that. She asks me "have you prayed to God." My response was "I've prayed to everyone."
Her response? "Who is everyone??? God is the one."
She is a very religious person, I get that. But I'm not.
My response was "I've prayed to everyone and everything I thought would listen." (Which is true).

Then she asked if Dan has prayed to God about this. Um, yes. She goes on to say that he should have some religion in him since he was raised Presbyterian.

I tried to get off the religion topic by reminding her this isn't a faith issue, it is a physical issue. She continues to not get it, and THEN says "maybe you aren't counting the days right".

UMM...EXCUSE ME?!?! I've been trying to have a baby for FOUR years and I don't "count the days right?"

She had to get off the phone so we didn't finish the conversation, but seriously. SERIOUSLY! Why don't people THINK before they SPEAK?

The more I think about this conversation, the more angry it is making me. Does she just think we've been picking our noses for the last 4 years?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"I think she gave up on me."

Ugh. Long story short. MIL told Dan last night that "Stacey will certainly get pregnant now, b/c I gave away all the baby stuff." Backstory is that she had a crib, stroller, etc for our nephews that live a few hours away, when they come visit. They didn't need the stuff anymore, and MIL knows a family that can really use it. So she gave it away. She had been saving it for us.

As soon as he told me I could feel myself starting to pout, and said that she had given up on me. I didn't cry, but I was most certainly whimpering. He tried to explain that she did it out of superstition. The "get rid of it all and then she'll get pregnant" type of thing. I know that it all went to a needy family.

But still. It certainly felt like she was giving up.

Friday, January 23, 2009

another not so great day

TGIF. I just want to go home and crawl in bed, actually probably under the bed. That seems safer.

I'm having a jealous day. Jealous even of my online friends that struggled as much as I am. Most days I am fine. Beyond fine, actually. I am thrilled for these woman, some went through more than me, some equal to me, some a little less...but they have always been so supportive of me, and I think I have been of them.

But then there are just days like today when that little green monster builds up. Let's blame it on my hormones shall we?? To you lovely ladies who are pregnant (or have your miracles already), I really really hope I don't offend you by this post (you know who you are:-))) I know you had days like this too. And I know I'll get over it.

I haven't been on BCPs in 4 years...but I am getting pimples like a teenagers. Yuck. My skin is so oily. Hormones suck:-(

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I can't get away from it

OMG. I just got back from a business trip. It was a conference my boss was invited to, but couldn't attend, so I took her place. It was on Aging for God's sake, and 4/7 presentations mentioned infertility. Holy crap. Really. I was in another state, secluded in a nice hotel, and really thought I could "forget" it for a bit. One quote I remember (b/c I wrote it down!) is that 20% of women in their early 40's are childless. Now, this obviously doesn't account for those that are childless by choice...but STILL. Do you really need to bring this up at a conference on aging???


My IVF plan has changed a bit. Turns out Dr. K is out of town 2 weeks in March. So, to ensure that I am ready for ET when she is in STL, they put me on bcp for 23 days. It seems SO counter-productive, but it is what it is. I'll start Lupron on 2/11 and stims on 2/27.

At least the BCPs feel like progress. At least I am doing something.

Blah. Not having a good day.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

You are the most deserving patient I have

That's what Dr. K said to make me cry today. We had our consult for IVF #2. We're going to stick with the same protocol as I had with IVF #1, since it worked beautifully. She did suggest an antagonist protocol, but also said there is a slight risk of Oing before retrieval, which I am petrified about. They just cancelled someone about a week ago for that reason. So, we're going to stick with what we know works best for me.

I also told her about my 2nd opinion appt with S.ilber. She will write a script for Valium, and left it open a bit to IV sedation if I really want it. She also gave me the name of another RE in STL whose opinion she really values. I knew the name and have heard good things about him. Apparently only him, and the WU RE's are the only Board Certified REs in STL. Silb.er is actually a urologist.

She told us she would do anything to get us pregnant, and knows how bad we want it, and how deserving we are. That's when I got a little teary.

We're freaking about money a little bit (ok, a lot). I went ahead and made our downpayment of $5100 today. I got confirmation that it can be refunded should I want to put it off a little longer.

So, Dr. K offered to do my ET again. For that reason, my cycle will be put off a week from when it should have started. They'll manipulate my cycle with BCP for about 10 days. My ER/ET should be the 1st/2nd week of March!!!!

Oh, and I did ask her suggestion of what if IVF #2 doesn't work. She said there is a reason why some states have a 4 IVF benefit. She said sometimes the 1st 2 just don't work. Gulp, gulp, gulp. I'm sure Dan and I both looked like a deer in headlights. She did say she's seen my uterus several times now, in different capacities, and continues to assure me that I can carry my own child.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

She's here!

AF showed her ugly head after only 2 days of spotting. Trying to make lemonade here, so I am focusing on the positive.

Today is officially cd1, which means I can start Lupron (i.e. start of IVF #2) in 20 days. I have a consult with Dr. K on Thursday to talk about our plan/protocol. I don't expect to stray far from IVF #1. I responded beautifully, I was just unlucky.

I'm feeling rather anxious. A consult appt means I'm one step closer to having to make our first payment of $4800. It is already accounted for in my FlexCare spending, but it really stinks to be using our allotment of $5k before January is even over.

I haven't told Dan yet. He knows IVF #2 is the next step, but he doesn't know I started. guess I'll drop that bomb tonight. He feels it as deeply as I do, just in other ways. I hope he goes with me on Thursday. If the past week is any indicator, I'm probably going to lose it in the RE office.

Getting back to the anxious thing though...I just wonder how far I am willing to go? I mean, if $$ weren't an issue I'd keep trying until we got it right. But money is most definately an issue. My parents have offered help, but how much money am I willing to ask them for?? God, asking them for money is the worst. I'm a very independent person, especially financially. IVF #1 was the first time they ever loaned us money. I almost cried out of embarrassment when my mom gave me a check for $5k.

I just wish it weren't about money. But it very much is.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm calling it.

I started spotting yesterday, and there is more today. IUI #7 is going down in the history books as a Big Fat Fucking Negative. I'm just at a loss. Not because I expected it to work (if you ask my friends, they will all say I had no hope at all), but...what now?? Apparently Dr. K's idea of my issue being endo is a blown theory.

I left a message for Dr. K's secretary to have my nurse call me back. I stuttered almost completely through the whole damn message. When I finally said "it appears our insemination has failed" it was all I could do to keep from crying.

As always, it's now time for my period to show itself so I can begin to move forward again. Last cycle didn't disappoint, as I started a few days after starting to spot. Let's hope it's the same this time. I hope to talk to my nurse today about getting on the books for IVF #2, assuming I don't have to wait a cycle. I don't think I will. I hope I won't. I'm ready now. I've been ready for too fucking long.

To add to this misery, is my behavior on Saturday night. We had friends over, and I was really looking forward to it. I had a drink, I had 2...decided I didn't want to keep drinking. Nothing sounded good. We were hanging out, but I just wasn't feeling it. I felt horrible. I looked around and saw everyone else having fun, and I just wasn't. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be under the covers with no one to bother me. I made a horrible spectacle of myself. The worst thing is, I really can't attribute it to anything specific (although now maybe PMS). Nothing "set me off." I was in a great mood to start. Then boom. Fuck fuck fuck these hormones. It has to be that. I'm tired of them ruling my world. I'm sick to death of it all. I feel like crying right now.

I suppose maybe I should start taking my Prozac again, huh? I've been without it for a few weeks now. No particular reason. It's not like I'm avoiding it. I guess I thought I could deal on my own? Apparently not.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

aching back and sore boobs = ???

NOTHING!!!! Damn phantom pregnancy symptoms. My boobs have hurt since the day after my IUI, so that obviously means nothing, except I had a good strong ovulation and my p4 is probably through the roof. My back ache? Not so sure. I woke up with it this morning and it's been lingering all day, very lower back, and just enough to be annoying. I'm sure I just slept wrong.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Before I get to the title of my post, can I just say that if I had any marbles left, I lost them all last night. Dan and I were watching In the Womb. He asked if I was ok watching it. I said of course! It was about the fetal developmennt of puppies, and all the u/s pics of them growing. It particulary caught my attention, b/c it started at the sperm/egg stage. Did you know that if dogs have sex when the female isn't ovulating, the sperm will implant into the uterine wall and hang around until they sense the egg(s)? Then they will detach and go swimming for it. Amazing.

Well...it made me cry. The obvious part I cried at was when the puppies were born and their mama was licking them clean:-) It just got to me. The less obvious place that brought out a whole stream of tears is when they said that just b/c the embryo implants, doesn't mean it'll make it. Dogs don't have m/c, but the embryo/fetus can be reabsorbed into it's mamas uterus. I just lost it. Don't ask why. I have no idea. I just felt so bad for the mama dog knowing she was pregnant...and then not. Marbles?? Gone!

Now for the title of this post. My new favorite song (which seems to be playing whenever I'm in the car alone) is Here by Rascal Flatts. I liked it after I first heard it, but then really started listening to the words. Yesterday, it made cry. (Apparently yesterday was a very hormonal day;-)) The song doesn't represent where I am now, but most certainly where I want to be. It hits home a little too much...

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Was you, right here in front of me
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way
[Repeat Chorus]
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you
[Repeat Chorus]A
nd I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Feeling really scattered

I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. I seem to jump from activity to activity, without really finishing anything. My thoughts are all over the place. I'm feeling very out of control. I guess that's a good reason to try a new hair color today:-)

IUI #7 is officially in the books. I had 3 eggs, and Dan had 21.5 million little boys and girls. Please GOD let one of them find the other. I guess that's not really my only prayer though. I really think my issue is implantation. So I guess I am also praying that my uterus is strong and welcoming and comfy...and everything that an embryo might need to succeed.

One of the Fellows did my IUI yesterday. I asked about heading right into IVF #2 if this cycle should fail. She said she didn't see why not, but recommended I call my nurse to confirm.

Last night, I went to a family friends holiday get-together with my parents. There were 2 little boys there, one 7 and one 4. The 4 year old was a cutie-patootie. It about broke my heart when my mom asked him for a hug. Not only did he give a hug, he jumped into her arms, and she picked him up and held him. I had to look away. She is so ready to be a grandma. Actually, I didn't even tell her about this IUI, which was really hard considering we hung out last night and IUI was yesterday morning. She just gets so excited. And it makes me mad. I tell her not to get her hopes up, but she does each and every time.

I'm really tired of disappointing people. Even Dan...who on his facebook status yesterday said "praying for a baby." Um...can you hear my heart just ripping into teeny tiny pieces???????