Monday, December 17, 2012

Sophie is THREE!!!

Well, she turned 3 on December 5:)

My poor girl has been SO sick. She had a HORRIBLE virus the weekend before her birthday. I got her in to see the pedi on the Friday before her birthday, even though she'd only had a fever for about 12 hours. I don't care if I am "that" mom. It scares me when she is sick. Three hospitalizations is enough for me, for a lifetime. Dr R completely agreed with me, and was glad that I took her in.

Bottom line, no strep, no ear infection, no flu. She even checked her for meningitis. She kept complaining about her hair hurting, which is apparently how some kids talk about a headache. Dr. R sent us home with Tamiflu, in the event it *was* a flu strain not detected by the test. No amount of tylenol/ibuprofen would bring her fever down to normal. She was too weak to walk, and slept for almost 72 hours. The sheets were soaked where she slept. She did start retracting on Saturday, but a bit of Albuteral seemed to get that in control. Her fever started breaking Sunday morning, but a few hours later would rise again. It did that a few times.

By Monday morning, it seemed the worst had passed, but I kept her home from school. She did go on Tuesday, and appeared to be getting better. Wednesday was her birthday, and about noon she started heading downhill again. Very lethargic, no energy. Her birthday presents didn't really even perk her up.

She was fairly sick again by Friday, but her party was Saturday morning. I couldn't decide whether to cancel it or not. I decided to move forward, but on Saturday morning she all but refused to get out of bed, "My no go to Magic House! My stay home with babies." I'm going to sound like an evil, evil, uncaring mother, but my thought was "the party is an hour, and we've put down a deposit. Certainly she can suck it up for that long." Horrible, right???!!!! I talked her into getting out of bed, eating, getting ready. It was rough. She is stubborn. STUBBORN like her father. I feared she'd get to the point where she would flat out refuse and I'd have to pick her up kicking and screaming and drag her to her party. Luckily, she perked up a bit for the ride there and a bit of playtime before the party.

But, once we entered her Party Room, she completely unraveled. She REFUSED to sit in the birthday chair. She REFUSED to paint on her canvas. She only wanted to be held; kept rubbing her eyes. It was not her shining moment.

The rest of the weekend was not a ton better. She did play with her new toys, but was still "off." She went to daycare on Monday, again me with the "I'm the mom and you're going to go" mentality, even though she specifically said she didn't want to go. It's just such a fine line between HEARING what she is saying and deciding if she's saying it to be manipulative, or because something is really wrong. The teachers said she was the first to nap, the last to get up and her usual rambunctious self on the playground didn't want to play outside at all.

By Tuesday morning I was fairly certain she needed to get back to the dr, where she was diagnosed with a sinus infection and a double ear infection. On top of that, they tested her for Mono. MONO, OMG! My first thought was, holy crap, that would explain SO much, especially the fatigue and lethargy. My second thought was holy shit how was I going to present this to all my friends and her daycare moms who came to her party.

Luckily, her bloodwork was normal. THANK GOD. She's STILL not 100%, 6 days after starting her antibiotic. We have her 3 year check on Wed, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if they didn't order another round of antibiotics.

So, that's that.

Just over 3 feet tall:)

The best we could do at her party. She.was.clearly.miserable.

She perked up a bit when the presents came out:)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Puke, puke, pukety puke

It finally happened. Our house was attacked by a stomach virus, and Sophie was the only one it spared. I woke up about 2:30 Friday morning to the lovely sound of Dan throwing up. I thought I was imagining it, but after listening for a few minutes I realized he was indeed throwing up. I got up to check on him and he told me he'd been sick for hours, and that he thought about calling 911.

WHAT? 911 because you're puking? I didn't say that, but I certainly thought it. Men are such wimps!

I went back to bed, but never back to sleep. The power of suggestion is strong, and I of course thought that I was going to start throwing up as well. I finally got up about 6:30 to check on him, where in all honesty it DID look like he was on his deathbed. He started mumbling about the ER again, and I told him if he was still miserable when Melissa (our sitter for that day) arrived, I'd take him to Urgent Care.  I was starting to feel really gross myself.

I walked down our hallway and could SMELL puke. Ugh, gag. I went to see how bad he had left the bathroom, but to my surprise it was spotless, but the smell was just overwhelming. I even checked the shower for any signs of nastiness. Nothing. There I was at not even 7 am and I decided to clean the already clean toilet. I HAD to get rid of the smell. It didn't help. I lit candles. Didn't help. I finally gave up and got in the shower, and then oops my body was telling me I was going to have something coming out the other end. Lovely.

Finally dressed, the smell of puke was nauseauting (pun, intended). I walked in to Sophie's room, where Connor has been sleeping while we are letting him "cry it out" a bit.  Poor little red headed man was covered in dried puke. Ahh. Well, at least I found the reason for the smell. I stripped him, wiped him off as best I could and  went to wake Avery. Boom. The smell of puke when I walked into their room almost knocked me to the ground. She also was covered in it. Stripped her. Stuck them both in the only puke free crib. Stripped both cribs. Went to get bathwater ready for them, and then I finally puked. It wasn't even 8 am.

Luckily, only one baby threw up (just once) after that. I have no idea which one it was, but I found a pile of puke later in the day. They rebounded fairly quickly.  I only threw up once, but it was everything else that goes along with a bug like that that really did me in. The chills, sweating, achiness...my FINGERS hurt. That was the sickest I've seen Dan in 12 years, but he also rebounded fairly quickly.

I do not know how, but Sophie was spared. I certainly didn't have the energy to make sure she stayed away from babies. I figured if she was going to get it, it was inevitable. Later Friday morning I went to look for her, and found her face down on the floor in the twins room. I thought "uh-oh here it comes," but nothing, thankfully.

And that's the story of how we survived our first house-wide stomach bug. Don't want to do that again any time soon.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Pull-ups and "hi, mommy"

Wow, it really seems like 2 weeks ago some flip switched inside Sophie. The same weekend that her wubby broke, she suddenly decided she was done with dipes. My mom handed her one the other day and Sophie looked at her like "WTF is that thing." She will ONLY wear pull ups. This means that she's also regressed a bit, in that she's refusing underwear but that's OK. I consider this a MAJOR victory in the potty training arena.

She spent 3 days with my parents this past weekend, the longest she's been gone from home. She peed on the potty every.two.hours. This is also because my mother had the time to encourage this behavior. She's now peeing on the potty at daycare 2-3 times a day. She LOVES to show me her stickers when I pick her up each day:) But then, of course, it all goes down hill when we get home. Clearly, I don't have the time to make sure she pees every two hours, NOR would she be too hip on this idea.  But she's making HUGE progress.  Here's hoping we're done with pull ups by her birthday in December:)
Also, today was the first day she actually talked into the phone. Usually, she loves to play with it, press buttons, etc, but adamantly refuses to talk. Today, Dan called me and she got on the phone and said "hi mommy." Am I a complete fake because it made me cry? She's a big girl now. It's showing in so many ways. While thrilled for her, and her independence, it makes me sad.

I was holding Connor last night, cradling him in my arms, and I realized that I won't always be able to do this. I just want to soak it all in. Something I realized awhile ago, that I'm reminded of every now and again, is that I rarely held the babies while they ate. I breastfed each one twice, while they were in the NICU, but once we came home, whether it was formula or pumped milk, they usually were just propped in a boppy to take their bottles. It makes me sad, but it's the reality of twins I think.  

Friday, November 9, 2012

The day the Wubby broke.

Sophie was sitting on my lap last Saturday when she said "look what happened mommy." Her beloved kitty cat Wubbanub was broken. The plastic on the nipple part was torn. I'm confident she did this herself, as she likes to play with the damn thing, in addition to keeping it jammed in her mouth.

"I have idea!" What's your idea, Soph? "We fix it." Sorry baby, we can't fix it. And that was that.

She still carries it from room to room with her. And, if she really needs soothing will TRY to suck on it, but I know it's useless, lol. I have no interest in taking it away from her; I'll let her decide when she's ready. We do have several other Wubby's around the house. Although Avery will simply throw the thing across the room if we try to give it to her, Connor will sometimes use it in the evening. My fear has been that she'll "attach" to another one, but so far so good. Just last night I saw her find one and take it to Connor "Here Connor. I found your Wubby."

This really could be too good to be true!  Next stop...peeing on the potty!

Thursday, November 8, 2012


We just truly have the worst medical luck. Yes, I know it could be much MUCH worse, but this is the latest diagnosis for this little guy.

I was most worried about Sophie, who was REALLY snotty last week. She was being woken up from her coughing (NEVER a good sign with asthma) but she seems to have skipped the nasty stuff and passed it on to babies. I got home Tuesday night to a wheezing Connor. I stupidly tried to give him Albuterol via inhaler. Not.so.much. Once I built up the nerve (and energy) to attempt a nebulizer treatment with an already cranky little man, it took care of the wheezing, but then it was back a few hours later. Second neb down, and it again took care of the wheezing. He'd been retracting the entire time, although not too bad. Aside from the cranky mood, he didn't seem to be in distress at all, so we rode it out. Dan was no help when I asked if we should go to ER, he basically left it up to me.

I was so torn to let him ride it out until the pedi opened at 8, or take him in. We opted to wait and see, and although he was retracting throughout the night (trust me, I barely slept), he slept soundly, no fever, no tossing/turning, nothing. I did give him another neb treatment when he woke at 7, but it didn't touch the retractions.

We were able to get in at 10, where the dr ordered ANOTHER neb treatment. The dr agreed that the meds were not touching the retractions. Although they were my worst worry, because Sophie has shown us just how serious they can be, the dr was more worried about some lovely "crunchy" stuff in his lungs. Soooo, off we went for a chest x-ray. Of course, the two pics they got of his lungs couldn't definatively tell us if it was pneumonia or not. She said she saw alot of junk, but just couldn't tell if it was infected. Therefore, we are assuming worst case scenario and he's now on antibiotics for pneumonia.

He is ALOT better. Two days ago, my normally happy little guy would suddenly stop playing, just to lie on the floor and moan:( So, either it was a very quick and nasty virus or it IS pneumonia and the meds have started working. In the mean time, Avery is now wheezing. Lovely:/

Side note: I'm sorry, but my babies have the most fabulous cheeks ever created:)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Fall Fun:)

I love fall! I love the weather, the changing seasons, the crunchy leaves. I have no idea why, but there are certain days each fall that take me back to high school football games, and that was a LONG time ago.

I'm always looking for ways to build traditions into our lives. My parents weren't really "tradition" type people. Of course, Christmas each year was always fun, lots of presents, cookie making, etc. And, the Easter Bunny came every Easter, but they never went out of their way to do things not neccessarily associated with a holiday.

I know so many people get into apple picking, but I've just never been drawn to that. I remember my grandparents taking me a few times when I was little, but it never evolved into a tradition. And honestly, I like apples (love to bake with them!), but I don't see the need to travel 45 minutes to an orchard to bring home 10 pounds of apples. Maybe next year, we'll give it a try, if Sophie seems eager to do it.

However, we are 2 for 2 with the Pumpkin Patch!  As a kid, I never went. Didn't even know it was a possibility. I took Sophie for the first time last year, wearing Connor, since he was all of 6 weeks old. This past weekend, we all went. It was an adventure, but we all survived. Thank goodness for our wagon that can strap in two babies.  Sophie was jealous that the babies got to ride, until she say the play area. Slides, stacks of hay, a zipline, she was in heaven! She had so much fun that I took her back the next day.

My absolute new fave of my little red-headed boy:)

My big girl Sophie. I have a very similar picture from last year. I need to do a side by side:)

And, last but not least...my favorite new walker. I love that Connor is chilling with his sippy:)

Oh, and speaking of fall, I made these FABULOUS brownies, bars, whatever you want to call them. Next time, I'll most likely use 2 boxes of cream cheese:)

Monday, October 22, 2012

One year

It's been one year since my mother in law died. I've been dreading it, and it's here. I'm honestly not sure if Dan is aware. He knows it's around the time, I'm sure, but I haven't told him. I don't think it would be helpful. I still think about her all the time, daily, sometimes several times a day. Maybe this is because I didn't really get to grieve myself between taking care of 3 babies and making sure Dan didn't fall COMPLETELY off the deep end last fall/winter.

I can still see her falling, still see her standing in the door of Sophie's room the last time I talked to her (still KICKING myself for assuming she was high from pain meds), giving no thought to the fact that she was suffering from the fall.

It's funny that I have no recollection of the weather in those days surrounding her death. In most other significant times of my life, I can still remember the weather, at least the season. I don't remember her death being in the fall. I don't remember it being chilly. I DO remember Dan getting that phone call, seeing the look on his face as he told me he had to ID her body. I remember trying desperately to get in touch with my mom or sister (who were together). It was like I was on speed, just rotating between calling each of them until one finally answered. I remember saying "Bonnie is dead. I need you hear now." I remember in those first weeks after she died being up in the middle of the night for the twins every 3 hour feedings, and looking into the kitchen from their room, swearing that I saw her walking from the family room into the kitchen.

I don't blame myself, or our house, for her falling. I vividly remember scanning the ground where she fell, looking for a stray shoe or crayon she might have tripped over. There was nothing. She just fell. And hit her head. I DO blame myself for not making her go to the ER. Sure, Dan drove her home that night, but clearly that wasn't enough. Yes, she seemed fine the next day, but what was going on inside her brain was certainly not fine.

I understand what several have told me, that once she fell a clock started ticking. I don't like it, but I understand how it might be possible. This means of course, there was nothing we could do. That's where it gets blurry for me. I can't understand how, if we had gotten her to the hospital that they couldn't have done SOMETHING for her. Drilled a hole to relieve pressure, or something. At the very least, and this is what I can't get past and where my guilt comes in (and refuses to leave) is that even if there truly was nothing to be done to save her, as least we could have said good-bye. At least we would have had that opportunity. Maybe that's selfish of me. It just occured to me for the first time since last October that it could have been worse for HER to know she was going to die, just waiting for it to happen.

I will never forget the sound of Sophie's little 22 month old toddler voice following her nana down the hallway and out the door, as she left our house for the last time. Over and over, nana, nana, nana...at least 20 times. I remember Dan and I looking at each other saying "listen to her. It's like she's never going to see her again." Out of the mouth of babes.

Sophie rarely brings her up. Interestingly, she did mention her last night, which was the first time in weeks, maybe months. She saw a baseball player doll on TV and she said "nana got that for me." I looked at the TV not really knowing what she was talking about, and realized that yes, less than a week before she died she bought Sophie a stuffed Al.bert Puj.ols doll. I remember that at the time, Sophie was less than thrilled with the doll, and my mother in law was less than thrilled with that reception to her gift, lol.

Dan still has good days and bad days, although mostly good. The things that he might bring up are good memories, not just sadness/pain. It's still hard to talk about her though. We're just getting to that point. I have a few pictures I want to put out, but I'm not sure if he's there yet. And honestly, I'm worried about what those pictures may bring out in Sophie, memories, questions, etc. Not sure if I'm ready to deal with that yet. I feel good that he and his mom were in a good place before she died. God knows there were some rough years, both before and after I came into the picture.  Dan has thanked me often for encouraging their relationship. I never really thought much about it until after she died. They had a really bad, nasty, nasty argument less than a week before she died. It was both of their faults, but thankfully they made peace with each other.

I think about her everytime I sing Wheels on the Bus or the Itsy Bitsy Spider to Sophie. Those were her songs to sing to Sophie. In a note I wrote to her after she died, I promised that I would keep reading and singing to Sophie. I still think about her on Sunday nights, knowing how much she loved her news shows. I think about her EVERY single time I sit in the rocking chair in the twins room. A few weeks before she died, she insisted that I needed a rocking chair in their room. The rocking chair that Sophie had had in her nursery was moved to the family room in our new house ( the same chair that she had been sitting in right before she fell). She had the rocking chair from her house moved over to ours. She told me it was mine, I could paint it, whatever I wanted to do to it, but that I NEEDED a rocking chair in a nursery. This was the same chair that she rocked Dan and his brother in as babies. So needless to say, in the dead of the night, when I am trying to calm Connor, I often think of her rocking her own babies. I look at Avery and Connor from time to time and say "oh, your nana would have loved you." And then I realize that she had been able to meet them; but those days all seem to melt together in my mind.

I'd say we had a better than average relationship with each other. I feel strongly that her intentions always came from a good place, although at times I just really wanted to tell her what I thought;) For example, the night I walked in her front door that last summer and she dragged me into the bathroom to show me how to properly apply eye make-up. Um, ok. It's nice to think of those things now and smile.

I really felt like she was making some serious changes last fall to improve herself. She was more quiet. Not reserved (never!), but she seemed to really think before she spoke, tried to word things in ways that wouldn't be offensive to others.  Not to say that she succeeded, lol, but she was trying:) I will never forget the day we brought the twins home from the NICU. She came over, it was her first time seeing them since she didn't believe in making hospital visits, which I never understood. I was washing bottles in the kitchen, looking like death warmed over I'm sure, she hugged me and then said she wanted to make it a practice to start hugging those she loved, to make sure they knew that she cared about them.

I could go on and on, but I've been crying through most of this and really need to get myself together. I feel like, if she were here, she'd tell me to get over myself, lol.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


My sweet little Mr. Man is turning into quite a little bully. He's been biting us for weeks, but recently also started headbutting AND hair pulling. I'm hopeful it is all developmental and will stop as quickly as it started. He seems to go in phases with the biting. There were several weeks when there was none (and I thought it was over!) and then it started again. I have to think (hope??) it's related to teething. His 1 year molars are currently making their way.

I would not be surprised in the least if at least one of our neighbors has heard a random scream come from our house. This would be me or Dan, screaming because we're being bitten by the cutest little red-headed boy. It's to the point that I will purposely hold him facing away from me to avoid a bite. We're using sign language, but when we sign NO he just giggles. Avery has scabs on her shoulder from where she's been bitten by him (we didn't catch him at the time). I did catch him trying to bite her bum the other day. So thankful that he only was able to grab diaper. He got a hold of my finger last weekend and I screamed so loud that Dan came running. He.would.not.let.go. I had teeth marks on my finger for hours.

Last weekend, I witnessned him lean over and grab a chunk of A's hair and PULL. He pulled so hard that she fell over. It was like watching a trainwreck. I watched, thinking "oh no, he's not going to do that" and then watched him do it (shocked), and then more shock when he didn't let go and just pulled her over!

He will headbutt a person, anyone, who happens to be holding him. He also headbutts Avery. I think Sophie's too quick for him, lol.

How can this sweet little guy be a bully???

In ENT news, he had his monthly visit yesterday, to check on status of his hemangioma. She was really pleased that it has not only gotten smaller, but that it's much more "soft" than ever before. She thinks this is most likely because his weight has tapered off, while meds have stayed the same. We're staying the course one more month, and if it presents the same in November, she will reduce the Propanalol a bit and see what happens.
We also discussed tubes. He hasn't met the threshold of x infections in x months, but we did discuss the fact that at EVERY visit with her and most visits with his pedi, he has fluid. He was treated for an ear infection 2 weeks ago, despite not having one. Dr. R felt that there was enough fluid build-up that it was most likely heading into infection territory. He was already so inconsolable that she decided to treat it like an infection. So, next ENT visit he'll get a hearing test. We're both doubtful there is a hearing issue but she wants to rule it out, and then we'll talk about tubes, just to keep that fluid out of his ears. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Example of "bladder the size of Texas"

Yesterday was a doozy. The night before, Connor was up and down for several hours, and I finally brought him to bed (a rarity) to sleep on me. Total, I slept maybe 3 hours, and it wasn't "good" sleep. I was a walking zombie the entire day.

When I picked up Sophie from daycare I was told she hadn't peed on the potty, despite 2 attempts by the teachers. I noticed she still had a diaper on. By this time in the day, they've usually taken it off and she's just in underpants, but i assume they didn't want to clean up a flood, lol. I tried to get her to sit on the potty before we went home, but didn't pressure her too much, since she did have on a dipe (and I had no mental energy left)

We got home, she refused to sit again. I was not in a good place mentally to fight her on it, so I just let it go. Fast forward to about 6:30, when I was in the kitchen trying to fix myself some dinner. I hear "oh, mommy. Look." I walked over to her, and she's standing in a lake of her own pee. It had been about TEN hours since she had gone. She doesn't understand the concept that what we drink eventually has to come out, so it's not like she was monitoring what she drank throughout the day. It SOAKED her size 6 dipe, her pants AND her socks and she was STILL standing in a lake of urine.


I don't know what else I can do. I suppose I need to be more forceful when I tell her it's time to sit on the potty. Or maybe I can get a timer that goes off every x # of hours. Something has got to give.

To top it off, less than 15 minutes after cleaning/sanitizing the floor (and her), she spilled her bowl of cheerios on the table. Milk everywhere, table, chair, floor. I started crying, then decided to leave, lol. Nothing like a quick trip to the grocery to get out of the chaos.

Oh, and BIG news!!!! Little Miss Avery took her first steps a few nights ago!!! When I left for work on Tues, she was standing in the middle of the floor, completely unassisted. That night, we were playing in Sophie's room when she decided to stand up again and then took about 4 steps toward me:) She fell, of course, and started giggling like a mad woman:)

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Peeing on the potty and Losing the Wubby (Round 1)

Sophie is dealing with two major life changes right now, potty training and getting rid of her pacifier (Wubby). My # 1 priority is potty training. She is *this* close to just getting it, but that girl has a bladder the size of Texas. She will.hold.it.all.day.long at daycare. Seriously, she will go pee at about 8 am, and then HOLD it until 5ish, when I pick her up from daycare. Occasionally, she will have an accident, but usually she has successfully held it all day.

Control issues, anyone? Hmmm...wonder who she got that from?!

From the beginning, we've let her lead the way in potty training. The longer it's dragging out though, the more forceful I am getting (and the more resistant she will sometimes get in response--hello Dan).  It's not about the cost at this point, she goes through so few dipes a day that it doesn't matter. I just want her to be DONE already.

I took her to Target last week and told her to pick out any toy she wanted, and that when she was done with dipes we would come back and buy it. Luckily, she picked a $12.99 toy:) Every time she gives me a hard time about sitting on the potty, I remind her off the game. It works, for the most part.

She likes to wear her big girl underpants, so I talk that up alot. Often, she'll wear a dipe, with underpants on top.

She seems to think she only needs to go once a day. When we are home during the weekend, I'll ask her to go try to pee, and she'll say "I already did." Other times, when sticker motivation is peaking, she'll go 3 times in one hour. I'm still waiting to figure out the "trick" for her.

Breaking the pacifier is proving to be MUCH harder. I never planned to attempt potty training and paci breaking at the same time, but as long as she is not in the mood to go bat-shit crazy when I won't let her have her Wubby, I will try. It's amazing to me that she can go ALL day at daycare without it, but the second she sees me, she pops it back in her mouth. I mean, seriously, she doesn't even use it to fall asleep during daycare naptime.

Last night, on the way home, she dropped it. Although easily in my reach, I told her I couldn't get to it and she'd have to wait until we got home. Once we got home, I kept putting her off, re-directing her, telling her that big girls don't need Wubbys. I reminded her that none of her big girl friends need one. Somehow, we made it to 7:30 until she really started breaking down. I gave in, since all night I'd been telling her she could have it for bedtime.

I mentioned that Santa might come take her wubbies at Christmas, and leave her an extra present. She wanted nothing to do with that idea.

During those times she goes bat-shit crazy, though, she is just pathetic. The look of heartbreak and sadness that is on her face when she is begging for it is just unreal. The look on her face almost makes me cry:(  I have to keep reminding myself that this is something all toddlers face. I secretly just hope she will forget about it, but I know that's not going to happen.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

We can do this!

We had another really good weekend! It gave me hope that we will get through this stage. I think alot has to do with Avery. She has settled really well into WCM, and I attribute harminony in our house in large part to her happy mood. When she's not happy, NO one is happy.

I was actually able to lie on the couch this weekend, for almost an hour. All three babies were playing around me, and no one required any major attention. It was wonderful. Dan tried to say something about how well they were playing, but I wouldn't let him, lol. Didn't want to jinx it! But, it gave me hope.

Both babies are cruising around like crazy, Avery was standing on her own this morning. I'm actually surprised she's not walking. I had expected that to happen by her 1st birthday. They're more independent and it is wonderful. With Sophie, each milestone was so bittersweet for me. I wanted her to reach them, was thrilled when she did, but then sad because she was getting bigger. With the twins, I'm ecstatic when they do something new, and don't look back at all, lol! I'm SO done with the infant stage. I'm ready to move on, see what's next. I think a large reason for that is that I know how much FUN they can be, how much fun Sophie is. With Sophie, I used to pour her into clothes that were clearly too small for her, not wanting her to get bigger (but really it was because her clothes were so darn cute). With the twins, I clean out their closet and drawers every 2 weeks or so as they continue to outgrow things.

I suppose it's time I mentioned their 12 months (now 13) unofficial stats:

1) Both weighed 21 pounds 10 oz. Not bad for less than 6 pounds at birth!! Sophie weighed 22 pounds at one year.
2) Wearing 12 month clothes. Connor can wear 18 month shirts, but not pants.
3) Size 4 dipes
4) Eating anything and everything, although Connor is much more discerning. Both LOVE bananas; Connor loves meat, they both love cheese.
5) Avery: blondish with blue eyes; Connor: red, red, red, with blue eyes
6) Avery is hell on wheels while awake, but if asleep nothing can wake her up. Connor is easy peasy while awake, but does not do the night time sleeping too well.
7) Connor adores Sophie's pink vaccuum. In addition to just playing with it, he seems to know exactly what it's for, and will mimic me when I vacuum (as best he can from a sitting position).
8) Both are very in to "push" toys right now.
9) Avery is SO easily distracted. On those rare nights that she is having trouble sleeping I have to be in a dark room, light out, door closed, otherwise she can't calm down and relax.
10. Connor has 8 teeth, with 3 molars that have pushed through recently; Avery has 7 teeth and I expect an 8th any day.
11. Avery smiles alot (and is clearly happy) but her laughs are more rare; Connor is free with the smiles and the giggles:)
12. Connor said "uh oh" last night; Dan and I swear we heard Avery say "daddy" and "couch" last week.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Recharged, and asthma

I did take the day off last Friday. Once I made that decision, it was like a cloud had been lifted! I needed that time desperately.  In addition to a 3 day weekend, Sophie also spent the weekend with my parents. It is a completely different world with two babies, not three. I got to play with them, enjoy them. Dan knew I was struggling, and so slept with one eye open all weekend. Of course, these 3 days they slept through the night except for one Connor wake-up. But that's ok, just knowing I didn't have to be "on" was a great feeling.

We cleaned, we organized, we played with babies. It was much needed. Of course, within a few hours of Sophie being home on Sunday afternoon, we were back to that frazzled and chaotic place, but at least our house was much cleaner:)

Also, re: my banana throwing, I realized that my outburst was probably also PMS related, COMBINED with general mental fatigue. Ha, that makes me feel a bit better.

Yesterday, we woke to Sophie having some pretty severe retractions, and alot of "belly" breathing. In hindsight, she'd had a very restless nights sleep, with is VERY unusual for her. She tossed and turned, talked in her sleep, etc. I gave her her Flovent and Albuterol, meaning to check on her breathing in 20 minutes. Despite my best intentions that never happened. Even though Dan is on baby duty in the AM (waking, changing, feeding, changing again because without fail they poo while they're eating), I completely forgot. I checked her breathing when we got to daycare and she was still retracting, although less. She seemed pale, but in generally good spirits. Because she has a history of decompensating so quickly, and also because she's been in the hospital in the last month, I didn't take any chances. I gave her 2 more puffs of albuteral and left for work. Daycare gave her 2 more sets of 2 puffs over the next hour but the retractions weren't lessening. Called the dr, they wanted to see her.

By the time I picked her up, and we waited for the dr she was in pretty bad shape. Sleeping in my arms, very pale, low grade fever. She just goes downhill so fast. We gave her a neb treatment in the office and that helped. She has a very raw throat, but not strep thankfully. Drs guess is another upper respiratory virus that has triggered her asthma.

She's on her 3rd round of steroids in the last 5 weeks. I HATE this for her. She seemed better this morning, in better spirits, although still retracting.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

throwing bananas

I need a serious reset. I am on the verge of being completely tapped out.

The twins have had a cold since their first round of flu shot, TWO weeks ago. Within a day, we were dealing with double doses of lovely green snot that just.wouldn't.stop. The snot isn't green anymore, and it's now more of a cough, so I'm hopeful that the end is near. Unfortunately, as theirs is ending, Sophie now has major sniffles. Cue the albuterol "every 4-6 hours until cold symptoms are gone."

The twins colds=less sleep than normal. They can't breathe well, they need to sit up, need to be held. So I hold them.

Additionally, I feel certain we have entered that lovely period that is Connor's molars. That poor guy had enough teething issues with the first eight, I cannot IMAGE how he will respond to the next four. And I cannot stand to think about how *I* will deal with his response.

For the last two weeks, it's been up and down most nights. Mostly up. Sometimes in the rocking chair, but more times that not on the couch, with whichever baby it is snuggled up against the back of the couch so I can hopefully sleep a bit without risk of them rolling off the couch. Because that WOULD happen to us.

Two nights ago I was up with Connor for 5 hours. Last night, it was Avery, which is unusual. We played the up-down game for over an hour. I would think she was asleep, I'd try to put her down and she could FEEL me try to put her down and start screaming and squirming. Up and down. Up and down. So, I held her. And then, Connor started going off. Clearly, I can only hold one child at a time, if I have any hope of either of them going to sleep. I yelled for Dan. I could yell for Dan, b/c I knew Sophie was still wide awake, playing with the Ipad that I was just hoping would run out of juice. Finally get Avery to sleep, try to rest myself but could hear Dan struggling with Connor. Took Connor, snuggled up on the couch, and he was out about 30 minutes later. Finally. It was after 11 by this time.

I realized I hadn't eaten dinner. I was too tired to eat dinner. I went to bed and woke up sometime in the night to Sophie whining in her little high pitched toddler voice "I need my wubby. Find my wubby." I snuggled up to her, gave her a teddy bear hoping that would stop the need for the freaking pacifier. It didn't, and I had  no idea WHERE the pacifier was. Luckily, it was next to the bed so that crisis was averted.

A few hours later, after about 5 hours of sleep (not bad, considering the previous nights), I snooze for an hour. I simply cannot get out of bed until I realize this is a daycare day for Sophie and I HAVE to get up. I swear, sometimes thinking that is the only thing that gets me out of bed.

Because I have no time (or desire) to iron, I ran downstairs this AM to throw my pants in the dryer. Noticed that the laundry that I had washed YESTERDAY before work, was still in the washer, still wet. It wouldn't have been so bad had this same scenario not played out the day before. So, I washed this SAME load of clothes for the THIRD time, and was on a mission to find Dan. I very directly asked him how he was home for EIGHT hours yesterday and couldn't find time to put the clothes in the dryer. Yes, I can be picky (and bitchy), but he knew I was right this time and didn't have a leg to stand on.

THEN, I look in the fridge to get my lunch for work. I had been planning on taking Chinese leftovers from two nights before. All I found was the rice. My garlic beef was missing. Again, very directly, I asked Dan where  my food was. Him: I might have eaten it. You WHAT? You ate MY food, that you told me ahead of time you wouldn't touch? I didn't even EAT last night and you are telling me you ate my food?

By this time I had made it over to the fruit basket, where I was pulling off a banana for Sophie. I threw the rest of the bananas across the dining room, knocking the fruit basket off the buffet, with apples flying everywhere. It made sense at the time;) Luckily, Sophie was behind our closed bedroom door, oblivious to everything but Doc McStuffins.

This is when I realized I need a reset. I clearly am not my calm, cool, collected self. Just a bit of time, to sleep, read, even clean or organize. I've been a crappy employee this week. I have no motivation to work. I could nap at my desk right now, if only I had the option to close my door. I think I may take a day off tomorrow:)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

first friends:)

My sweet little Sophie has FRIENDS! Not the "you're my friend because our moms are friends" type of friend, but little people that can't wait for her to show up at daycare each morning.

She developed a friendship with a little girl, A, when she was with her old sitter. They were the two youngest, both girls, and Stacey used to report that they would talk it up like little old ladies:) I met A's mom at a kid birthday party a few weeks before Stacey closed her "shop" and we traded info we'd found about new daycares/sitters in the area. Once I found our current FABULOUS center, I e-mailed J about it. She went to check it out, was floored how hard it was to drag A away, and immediately signed her up. Unfortunately, A only goes 1 day a week, but luckily it's a day that Sophie attends. She talks all week about getting to see A again. I love that she looks forward to playing with her.

This Monday though, when we arrived and walked up the front steps (it's a house), several kids were looking at us through the window. We walked in and they all started yelling some version of "Sophie's here! Good morning Sophie! YAY, it's Sophie." A ran up and hugged her. Sophie, in typical form, just stood there with her hand in her mouth, lol. I think she was quite overwhelmed at the reception.

As a mother, it warms my heart that these little people look forward to seeing her, want to spend time with her. I, of course, know that she's super fabulous, but so often in public places she will clam up and not say anything. I worry about this type of behavior, it's not shyness, something different. I see it in myself too. It's one reason we may keep her out of her first year of pre-school, and just work on social skills at home/daycare. Unless it's myself, Dan or the babies, and occasionally my parents, she rarely says "hi" or "bye." She knows what they mean, but just clams up/shuts down and refuses to say them. We'll see...hoping this is just a stage for her. I try not to compare her to other kids, but it seems odd to me that all her little friends will yell "bye, Sophie" and she just looks at them. And of course, the second she gets outside, she starts chattering away about anything and everthing.

I DON'T think she's going to be the social butterfly. That's not her personality. She's a follower, for sure. She will NEVER be the first one to jump in to anything. I think we're going to have to always encourage her to try things.

Speaking of, she recently had a trial gymnastics class. The first few days after the class, she claims that she didn't like it. I'd ask if she wanted to go back and she very adamantly said no.  A week or so later, she changed her tune and wants to go back. I'm torn, simply because of the money. It's $82 a month, for four sessions. I'd be all for signing her up, if I knew that she'd actually ENJOY it. Sophie is the type that it would take at least a month to get into it. The instructor did say that it was a good sign that she actually participated (although didn't really follow the rules) in the class. She said many times kids come their first time and hang along the wall because they are so overwhelmed. I may give it a few months and try again. Once she can be in the 3 yr old/4 yr old class, more options are available for class times, which would help out greatly. For the 18 mos to 3 yr group, the only class she could attend is Saturday morning at 9.

But isn't she stinking cute in her leotard? I was rushing around the few days before the class trying to find one. I swear, this was the ONLY leotard in all of STL that fit her. And, I hate that it only came in that icky pastel pink.

She loved the beam, and actually did really well.

A classic Sophie expression when she's not too sure about something.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


I am constantly trying to manage the mess, and chaos, in our house. It's really  unbelievable how quickly we can go from sparkly clean, to crumbs (and large pieces of random food), markers, rogue stickers, and a kitchen sink (literally) strewn everywhere. I try to devote at least 15 minutes each night to "picking up." However, by the time the babies are in bed, and Sophie thinks she has satisfied her one on one time with me, I'm tired. Really tired. Fifteen minutes seems like 2 hours. And really, what's the big deal, since 8-10 hours later the house will be in the same predicament? But, I really am making an effort. I've given up the notion that our floor will ever be free of toys, diapers (clean), and shoes, ever again. So, I try to put my effort onto shelves, countertops, etc, where tiny fingers can't yet reach. I never get ahead of the game. Sometimes it makes me very anxious, other times I just throw my hands in the air and jump in bed.

But, it doesn't change the fact that I always feel better, more productive, more eager to get things accomplished when things are in good working order.

I suppose that goes for this blog as well. I realized today that 14 of the20 or so blogs I have linked on the side have not been updated in at least 6 months, most of them a year. Clearly, it's time to declutter the blog, in hopes that it will encourage me to spend more time here and use it as a place to document our "little" family. I dropped the out of date blogs, grateful that I am still "friends" with most on FB, and a few IRL. Beyond thrilled that all of them, even despite quite tragic losses, did eventually go on to become mothers. I trashed the list of IF abbreviations, grateful that I don't need them anymore, am not in that PLACE anymore. And the books I read in 2009? WTH cares!

This thing also needs a new title. It's clearly not an infertile world anymore, not for me. I hate to lose it, but it's not who I am anymore. I'm not creative enough to come up with something overly clever, but a title change is definately in order.

I hate to say it, but I don't keep a baby book for any of the 3. Sophie *has* one, my mother in law bought it a few weeks before she was born. It has a lock of hair, and her footprints from the hospital. That's it. MIL asked me once how it was coming along and I lied. "Oh, it's great. I write in it alot." This blog is where I come to document milestones, fun things, not so fun things, about their life. And I've been doing a crappy job of that. I'm hopeful that this little overhaul will be my kick in the ass to tell stories, good and bad, about them.

One day, I will hand it over to them. They'll see it all. They'll see the tears I shed on the journey that led me to them. Good, bad, ugly. I was reading a few past posts today that I wrote when I first went on bedrest. I said that "I resented my babies." Honestly, I remember thinking it, feeling it. I don't really feel bad for thinking that; it's where I was at the time. I also read my post about their birth, and how I didn't hold Avery for about 8 hours, but when I finally did we did kangaroo time (or whatever it's called). Skin to skin contact with my sweet little, not even 6 pound girl. It also reminded me of a memory I will never forget, of basically sinking into a puddle on our bedroom floor, certain I would never be a mother, never thinking of hurting myself, but definately wondering how I could go through life without a child.

Look at me now. Just last night I scraped dried poo of of Sophie's back, while Avery was hysterical, trying to climb my leg, and Connor screaming because he slammed his fingers in one of the drawers on Sophie's changing table.

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Seusstastic 1st birthday party!

My babies turned one on Sept 6!! We celebrated by having a party the following Saturday. I knew many months ago that I wanted a Thing 1/Thing 2 theme, but really had to reign myself in as the date approached, lol. Luckily I did, because with Sophie being in the hospital the weekend before, I'm not sure how things would have gotten done.

The birthday cake, done by a friend of a friend. I added the cupcakes on at the last minute, so the babies could each have one to dig in to.


The "smash" cakes, pre-smash, also done by Catherine. Our "pro" pics were done by my friend Sara.

Getting into the cakes...

Well, Avery at least!  Connor was not a fan.

Sophie had on a super cute Dr. Seuss dress made by another friend Sara. I told her the only way she could get in on the cake action, was if she took it off.

I went a little Etsy crazy. I got the hats here, http://www.etsy.com/shop/shoplissy.

While I loved them, they were the biggest waste of money;) The babies wore them for these few pics, and then I forgot to use them for the party.

Birthday outfits, done by http://www.etsy.com/shop/BabyThreadsByLiz, I LOVE them, AND they can all be worn again:)

The only one we could get of all of us. It's class "us." Connor giggling, Sophie not wanting her picture taken, and Avery trying to scramble away.

The day of the birthday party, sealed the deal that Avery has quite the sweet tooth. I don't have any of Connor here at work, but poor Man just had a look of total disgust the entire time;)

The Cat in the Hat favors that I made, and forgot to take out of the freezer. Making these made me realize how very much I need to get my craft on. Dan kept commenting on how long it was taking to make them (it did take several steps), but when you enjoy doing something, it doesn't seem like work:)

Probably my absolute favorite from the b-day shoot...I love him so very much:)

Followed closely by this other favorite. I know it wasn't her big day, but it's so hard to get her to smile for a picture. This is the pure joy that I see on a regular basis.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Hospitalization # 3 for Miss Sophia

As usual, it started with cold symptoms last Wednesday. By Saturday morning she was whiny and clingy. By Saturday afternoon she was wheezy and then the retractions started Saturday night. I followed her asthma action plan to a "T", but we couldn't get it under control at home. At the advise of the nurse on our hotline, I took her in and 2 hours later she was admitted. It took 5 nebulizers of DOUBLE albuteral to get her lungs working properly.

This time was not nearly as scary as the first, and much easier than the 2nd hospitaliztion. Just by luck, we have her allergy/pulmology appt tomorrow, so we'll see what he has to say.

I kept her home from daycare yesterday, but did take her with me to run a few errands. She did seem better when we were "out in the world" so I opted to take her back to daycare today. I arrived to the notice that another child at the Center has contracted the Molluscum Contagiosum virus. According to the CDC this is very common, although the Director of her Center has not seen this in her 15 years of owning a daycare. Fabulous.

Honestly, I just wanted to scoop Sophie up and take her back home, but a few deep breaths later, I calmly left. Please GOD let her not get this virus. That.is.all.I.need.!

Another Sophie funny...I called her Miss Sophia last night. Her response? "My not Sophia, my Shoshie!"

Friday, August 24, 2012

New wardrobe needed...

at least for the lower 3/4 of me. Now that I'm about 2 months post breast-feeding, I can see what the twin pregnancy has done to me. While I'm pretty close to the weight I was pre hormones of 4+ years ago, it has reportioned itself in some very ugly ways. 

I was about 140 when I got pregnant both times. Pre hormones, I stayed pretty close to 130, maybe a pound or two over at times. While breastfeeding, I FOUGHT to stay above at least 122. Even with eating everything in sight, I still had to struggle to keep my weight up. About 6 weeks after my mother in law died, I was down to 118. I don't even think I weighed that in high school. I was wearing a size 6, sometimes a 4.

It's funny (and sad) how quickly the weight piled on after wrapping up breast-feeding. It seems like within DAYS I was back up to 128, and then 130ish. Despite the fact that I've been at this weight most of my adult life, things are just...different. Interestingly enough, my boobs are about the same size, although a bit more sad, lol. From my stomach down though, it's all gone to hell. I NEVER had a muffin top, despite always carrying a bit of weight in my stomach. Now, it's popping out of every pair of pants I own. I don't know if it's a size issue, or the style of the pants that I'm used to wearing. It's very obvious to me that if I don't want to continue to look like a cupcake, I'm going to have to get higher waisted pants. NOT that I was wearing ass crack showing pants before!

I'm in desperate need of Stacy and Clinton.

LOL, I think Dan has noticed, because how could you NOT, but he's afraid to say anything. And he should be, b/c I've got more ammo on his weight that he on mind:)

I just feel gross, and fluffy, and frumpy. Of course, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, but I do see a tummy tuck in my future. Or, I could start working out. Like.I.have.the.time.for.that.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Sophie's vocab started off fairly slowly. There was a brief time that I did worry that she would need some sort of OT or ST. Now, although she's still not to the point where she can enunciate things as clearly as I wish, she is quite the little chatter box. I chalk up most of it to daycare. Despite the fact that she still INSISTS on a pacifier at home, she rarely enters daycare with it in her mouth. She uses it on the car ride there, and then when I open the back door to get her out of the car, she hands it to me. We store it in her cubby at daycare, and there it stays until I pick her up after work. She doesn't even use it for naptime at daycare, but the second she sees me it goes back into her mouth. What's that about?

Anyhoo...some Sophie speak...
According to her, her name is Shoshe Crary. If I call her Sophie-Soph (one of my preferred nicknames for her), her response is "no, name is Shoshe Crary."

She is very good about saying "peesh" and "tank you." If you thank her, you'll hear "yo yelcome."

If she's doing something, anything, it's "my am." "My am eating."
If she's NOT doing something..."Ae you teasing Sierra?" "No, my am" or "no, my am teasing."

The cartoon Phineus and Ferb is simply "Ferb." Cat in the Hat is "Cat Hat."

If she has done any sort of art project at daycare, she instructs me to "take to work."

Yummy is "nummy," including medicine. She gets Zyrtec everyday to help keep her hives at bay. That is known as her "nummy medicine." Or, if something meets her definition of yucky, it's "nucky." "This milk is nucky," meaning she feels it's been left out of the fridge too long."

If she's watching TV and you get in her way, it's "no see, no see."

She still refers to the babies as Baby AB and Baby Connor, although it's pronounced more Conr.
She gets very upset in the morning if she's not allowed to "hug babies" before they get their first bottle:)

She continues to be very resistant to having her picture taken, and this is what I typically get.
Sophie and her side-eye.

Her go-to toys these days...pla-doh and puzzles. The girl can work a 24 piece puzzle like it's nobody's business:)  She also loves her play kitchen, loves to make tea (picked that up at daycare), and had recently starting talking about princesses. I'm seeing tiaras and dress up clothes in her near future.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

11 months!

The twins were 11 months on Monday. I can't really question "how did that happen" because quite honestly I have felt every day of it!

They are growing, thriving, becoming very independent (or at least WANT to be independent) little people.

AVERY (baby A)
1) 20.5 pounds, at least by my bathroom scale
2) hair turning blonde
3) eyes still blue. I guess there's still time, but I assumed they'd turn brown.
4) loves.to.eat. Seriously, the kids a vaccuum, including eating off the floor before I get a chance to clean the floor are their high chairs. So far, I haven't found anything she doesn't like.
5) Demanding
6) Fearless
7) Such a cuddler
8) Pulls to stand easily
9) 2 teeth, with 2 just barely broken through on top
10) Doesn't prefer sitting; she's always on the go. Although still working on crawling on all fours, her preferred method is the low crawl. The girl can move!
11) My guess is she'll be walking within 6 weeks.

CONNOR (baby B)
1) 20 pounds. How he weighs less than A, I have no idea.
2) Red:)  and he has curls in the same place that Sophie did, top of his head and around his ears:)
3) Blue, but this is no surprise to me. I imagine he'll end up being the male version of Sophie.
4) Eating: could take it or leave it. Unless it's something sweet, he takes his time.
5) Calm, cool, collected. Unless he's sick/teething, the only time he cries is if you take his toy away.
6) Curious.
7) LOVES to smile:)
8) Has recently started pulling to stand. His legs are no where close to as strong as A's, but he's catching up.
9) 6 teeth, with a 7th on the way (my little dental over-achiever)
10) He has perfected the crawl a little, and then immediately sit up and look around. Lather, rinse, repeat. It's like he wants to make sure he's not missing something.
11) He takes his time with everything. I have no good guess on when he might be walking.

ROAR! Here's A showing off her "almost" teeth."

A more reserved Avery.

Classic Connor. This boy looks like this 90% of the time. Sweet guy:)

Friday, August 3, 2012

And so it begins...

The twins are crawling, they're moving and shaking. Although typically content to play with toys, usually Sophie's (because why on earth would they want to play with BABY toys), they've starting trying to invent fun.

Evidence #1: This is Sophie's room, while she was at daycare. It was clean-ish when we left yesterday morning.  They upturned every freaking thing in her room, and obviously found her stash of dipes. Poor Sophie looked a little stricken when she walked into her room last night. I just threw my hands in the air and said "it happens," which has been my go to phrase for Sophie lately. Because really, why get upset? It's an easy clean-up.

It reminded me of this little sweet potato, who ironically was 11 months old at the time. Is this some sort of development stage that I wasn't aware?

Evidence #2: Not long after, I found Avery tearing into one of the bins in her room. Nothing like needing to do a load of clean laundry:) And pardon the skin showing, those are 6-9 month jammies, and STILL fall off of her.

Evidence #3: And finally, Connor found the laundry chute while Avery discovered the toilet paper.

I wonder what this weekend will bring!?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


The twins finally have names (on their wall!). It's only been almost 11 months.

I seriously pink puffy heart these decals, and the way they turned out. I wanted to do them MONTHS ago, but then was faced with re-painting the room first.
If interested, I purchased them from this Etsy shop, http://www.etsy.com/shop/LucyLews.
As I mentioned previously, the first shipment had been damaged by USPS, so she replaced almost everything free of charge.

Note that you can also see the craptastic job that the previous owners of the home did with the carpeting. This will eventually be ripped up and wood laminate put in its place. The rest of the main floor is either original hardwood or laminate. It seems weird to me that this room is carpeted, although it does work out well with the babies.

Otherwise, my craftiness has been thwarted by the sewing gods, who apparently don't think I need to sew outfits for the twins b-day.
1) I couldn't find the power cord to my sewing machine.
2) After hours of searching, finally found it, but my sewing basket was MIA. The bobbins were stored in the basket, and clearly neccessary to my ability to actually sew something.
3) After much MORE searching, I finally found a few rogue bobbins hanging out in a ribbon case.
4) Load the bobbin with thread, and attempt to sew, only to have the entire machine seize up and NOT want to play. Not cool. I don't have time for this. I tried a few tricks I know, with no luck.
I'll give it another try in a day or two, but if it's really dead, looks like I'm in the market for a new machine, which is most certainly NOT in the budget.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Feeling Crafty...

After MONTHS, maybe at least a year, the craft bug has hit again. Most likely it's due to the twins upcoming birthday. I have ideas floating around like a tornado in my head. It's a little exhausting actually. I'm definately taking on too much...but I can't seem to stop. Perhaps it's my lack of meds. There are more than a few areas of our house that require some craftiness.

I FINALLY have the twins room painted. It's only been a year since we moved in...but I am finally rid of that hideous dreary sage color in their room. It's now more of a very happy aqua. I ordered their decal names, which I have been eyeing almost since their birth. Unfortunately, they arrived last week, box and most contents damaged. Dan called today to let me know the replacement order has arrived, in perfect condition. Task 1 of the weekend is to get those names up! Will be posting a picture when I'm done:)

After that, all other house projects will be on hold until I make the babies b-day outfits. Yes, I'm making them...because I have the time, right?! And also a coordinating dress for Sophie so she doesn't feel left out. Actually, they'll be getting two outfits, although the first doesn't really count as an outfit. My friend Sara will be taking their pics the day after their birthday, the day before their party, which will be Dr. Seuss Thing 1 and Thing 2 themed. Needless to say, I have a swirl of red and aqua running through my head at all times. Picture outfit will consist of a diaper cover for each, with hopefully a ruffle or two for Avery, and a tie for Connor. Task 2 of this weekend is to get those completed. Because my head would not stop last night, I've cut out the fabric for one cover already, as well as the tie. I was only stopped by the sound of Sophie padding down the hallway to see what I was up to.

As I see things come together, my brain goes into overdrive with new ideas. I have NOT had this problem (????) in a very long time, and I love it, but it's also exhausting.  I assume it also has to do with the babies becoming more independent. They can play on their own, although for only a short period of time. But, I've become a master of getting things done in minutes!  It's amazing how many clothes I can fold while babies are in their highchairs.

In addition to all this craftiness, we're also finally starting to really unpack boxes that we moved 12 months ago. It's fun to see things I forgot we had, lol! I have a huge pile for Goodwill, and that feels SO good. Purge, purge, purge. I also have a pile of baby clothes to sell to a consignment shop.

One of my plans has ALWAYS been to make each baby a quilt (for me, or for them I don't really know!) of their baby clothes. After carefully going through each piece I still have three huge boxes of clothes to sell.  I have no idea if I'll get $20 or $200, but we'll see. Otherwise, I also have a pile of baby gear that I'll donate to a local children's charity. It feels good to give, but honestly even better to just purge the hell out of our house!

A few recent pics, although not the best quality since they were taken with my phone. With the exception of one, I don't think any are duplicates from FB.

I took this the other night. Yes, that was an attempt to bite Connor's head. Poor guy.

 This is the FB duplicate, but I love it:) Like Sophie did when she was (more) little, he wears lots of orange!
 Avery last night, with Sophie's FIRST ball.
 A few weeks ago...I think Sophie has her dr moves mixed up a little, trying to get a heartbeat in A's armpit:)

Friday, July 20, 2012

some updates...

1) Connor had his follow-up ENT appt last week, which was his first one since Dan had been over-medicating him. I really went back and forth about whether to tell the dr about that, but in the end, I did. I'm not sure what I thought she was going to do...yell at me maybe, lol...but she chuckled at first, considering the original issue we had with Walgreens. She was extremely inerested to hear that he shows such improvement as the dose goes up, although she wasn't comfortable increasing him, based on weight. She said that's the first time she's seen such a direct response to increased dosing.

I finally got up the courage to ask about next steps/what will happen in the future. Ideally, this hemangioma will go away on it's on, and all we're currently doing is helping it to NOT get bigger where it might interfere with ears or throat. I asked if a minor surgery might be in the cards, and her response was that it would NOT be a minor surgery, based on the location of the hemangioma. The plan is to continue with the meds, hoping it goes away. If not, we could continue with the meds for YEARS, until he grows enough that the space she would be operating on is large enough to successfully complete the surgery.

2) Sophie seems to love her new daycare. I found the perfect place, which is a Center, but it runs out of a home, so it has the feel of a home daycare. Less institutional feeling. She's currently only going on Mon and Thurs, until a 3rd day opens. It's almost all girls, and they love doing all girly things. Dolls are everywhere:) Sophie was introduced to a sandbox for the first time this week, and cannot stop talking about it:) Looks like we'll be taking a trip to the beach next summer!

3) Her old sitter's husband had a mostly successful surgery. They don't believe it's cancer, but of course it's being tested. They weren't able to get it all, so are considering radiation to treat what was left. Apparently his vision improved significantly immediately after the surgery. VERY good news, so far.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Sappy today

It seems my grandma didn't expect to return home. Yesterday, when going through some things, my grandpa found an insurance policy that my grandma had taken out on herself, in 1962 (she would have been 30 then). My grandpa knew NOTHING about this, and was shocked to discover it. Knowing my grandma, she would never have left this so readily available, had she not intended for him to find it. She knew she was going to die. It breaks my heart, over and over. I think about her all the time. I keep seeing her turn towards my voice, trying to open her eyes. I keep hearing my grandpa talking to her in those last minutes they had together.

As I've put pieces together over the years, I've realized that she was most likely clinically depressed for most of her life. She'd been on and off (mostly off) anti-depressants for many years. She was hospitalized last fall after a heart attack, and must have started taking something again. I could tell a difference almost immediately. That time also corresponded to the twins being born, so I have no doubt that their birth was part of her depression lifting.

Here they are, at my mother in laws memorial service last fall, holding McBabies:) 

Combine my sadness over her, with the thought that today is Sophie's last day at her daycare, and I'm sort of a mess. I know this is normal. It's a part of life that she'll just have to get used to, "not everything lasts forever" blah, blah, but I hate it for her. I know that this time next year I'll be prepping her for pre-school, but I hate to cause her any sort of discomfort. Like her dad, she is very much a creature of habit, and if something gets disturbed she feels it.

I've been preparing her that Monday she'll start going to "Miss Ann's" house, which is the new daycare. I keep reminding her that Miss Ann has the really neat playground. She seems to understand this, but at times will say "no, go to Stacey's." The new center is literally a mile south of her current sitter, but I'm going to alter my route on Monday, so she doesn't get confused. 

Plus, of course, there's the issue of WHY we are going to a new sitter. Stacey's husbands brain surgery is on Monday, so I'm thinking about her, and him, and all the possibilities that might be.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Another angel...

A piece of my heart was ripped out last Thursday afternoon, when my grandma died.  She'd been in ICU for almost a week, fighting an unknown infection. They pumped her full of antiobiotics, but nothing was killing what was killing her. I don't really know what this means, but her platelet count dropped to 10 at one point. Apparently it needs to be over 100. Both her kidneys and liver were failing.

I went to see her on Monday, when she was still conscious. She heard my voice, KNEW my voice, she did her best to turn towards me. She tried to open her eyes, but she couldn't, but I knew she heard me. When I left I told her I'd see her on Tuesday, but I wasn't able to make it because Sophie was sick (with ANOTHER double ear infection).  My dad, uncle and grandfather were with her all day Wednesday. We had all 3 kids, and I couldn't get away to visit. Everything was status quo, but by the time my grandpa had driven the hour home, he got a call from the dr that he needed to get back asap. Her heart had stopped for a minute, but then started beating again on its own.

I was so afraid she wouldn't make it through the night, but she did. I got to the ICU at 8am on Thursday morning and not more than 5 minutes later all her vitals started dropping, heart rate, b/p, oxygen, etc. There were docs and nurses rushing into the room. Despite not wanting to recessitate (and I know that's spelled wrong), my grandpa did agree to a non-invasive mask, bi-pap maybe, that was to be used only to try to get her through that critical period. He also agreed to a med to bring her h/r and b/p back up, to give the antiobiotics the 48 hours they really needed to try to work. It was all working as it should until about 2:30 when the nurse came in to give an update. She told us her kidneys were still not working, and if she did recover she would be faced with dialysis. Not only would she NOT want that, her tiny (even when healthy) body would never tolerate it.

In a very kind way, she told my grandpa there was no hope. He mentioned taking her off the meds, and the nurse suggested it might be a good thing to do. She let him know that after that, she might have minutes to hours left. We tracked down my dad and uncle, who had left the room for a bit. The internal struggle my grandfather was fighting was almost too much to bear. He talked to her, kissed her, told her he loved her more than anything in the world, he apologized, he thanked her. It was such a private moment I felt like an intruder. In the end, they stopped the meds a little after 3 pm. She died 10 minutes later. The meds were doing much more than any of us thought. If they hadn't started them in that morning, she would have surely died not long after I arrived.

In the end, she was surrounded by her husband of 64 (SIXTY FOUR!!!) years, her two sons, my mom and aunt, myself and my sister and a cousin. It's how she would have wanted it, leaving this life surrounded by the family she had started building when she was 16.

It's times like this that my not very religious self screams for someone to promise me there is a Heaven. I cannot imagine never being with her again, never having her to talk to. So many of my childhood memories are tied to her. She and my grandfather were two constants in my life that I could ALWAYS count on to be there for me. Cheerleaders, always. She adored my babies. She last saw them at Easter. She was holding Avery, and I quickly ate my lunch so I could "relieve" her so she could eat. She said "no, I'm not here to eat, I'm here to hold your babies." And that she did.