officially diagnosed with stage 1 endo

I just got back from my post-lap appt with Dr. K. Incisions look good, so I'm all clear in that area.

Dan went with me since we were talking about next steps. Dr. K basically told me we should just *try* for 3 months. I must have looked like I was going to cry, b/c I have never had anyone hand me a tissue that quickly:-) I said "do you actually mean have sex?" I could tell she was trying not to laugh. I told her, with Dan sitting there and backing me up, that I don't want that pressure anymore, and that TI is just too stressful for us. ***If anyone out there thinks baby making sex is actually fun...I dare you to try it for 3+ years with no success. No fun anymore***So we talked about doing a spontaneous IUI, which basically means I wouldn't take any meds, just take OPK's and go in for the IUI when I get a +. We were sold on that plan, although I did question not using any meds. She said she'd like to try without and see what happens.

Then I asked her if my dx had changed, and she said yes, to stage 1 endo...which got us talking about my ovulatory issues, since that was really my first diagnosis. As we were having this discussion she realized that a spontaneous IUI wouldn't work for me, b/c I DO have ovulatory issues. So, we'll be doing Gonal F + IUI with my next cycle. I should start AF next week.

Oh, AND I got pictures from the lap!!!! I actually got to see my insides, and the endo! I know...I'm sick, but was very excited. I'll have to scan them and upload them.

UPDATE: Here are some pics of my insides:-)) They may gross you out, so stop reading now if you gross out easily.

The top two pics show the entrance to my fallopian tubes. Bottom right is my uterus. Can you believe it is so small????

The circles show the endo.

Had my lap...

and I had some endo.
Stage 1 (so the least harmful), but Dr. K found a mass of it behind my uterus. I talked to her yesterday and she said it was more than she expected to find. She told me she's fine with us moving forward with IVF #2 when we are ready, but she feels we should try on our own for a few months. I told her we were not ready to go back to TI (basically having sex at the "right" time). We're just way past that and don't want to deal with the frustration. She told me she's happy to do a few IUI's, but not with Clomid. I have an appt in 2 weeks for her to look at my incisions so we'll talk about next steps then. But it looks like we'll try 2 IUIs (one in Dec, one in Jan) with injectible meds...and see what happens.

It seems crazy to be moving backwards, but maybe this has been the issue the whole time? I have to hope that it is, and now that it's gone I won't have an issue. Let's hope so anyway.

And for anyone scared of getting a lap...it's not that big of a deal. Trust me, I was freaking out pre-surgery. But honestly, I don't even remember going to sleep. I was in pain when I woke up, but they gave me some meds and all was better. They sent me home with a small bottle of pain killers, which I've been trying to use in moderation.

Dumpster Diving and other IF news...

This may be long, since I've already had a full day and it's just now noon:-)

Dan's phone died, so we replaced it last night. With the phone was a $50 rebate. I woke up this morning to the knowledge that we can't send in the rebate without the UPC code...which is on the box...in the trashbag...in the dumpster. I was a woman possessed. I just kept thinking of that UPC code as a 50 dollar bill. So...off Sierra and I go to the dumpster, which is one of those very deep, industrial size ones. I couldn't let Sierra off her leash b/c there's an alpha dog up the street that is just waiting to attack her (and she feels the same way).

It's my luck that the trash people came yesterday, and so our trashbag was at the bottom of the dumpster. The good news was there was only one other trash bag and I knew which one was ours. I found some branches nearby to try to stab the bag with and pull it up. Three tries and three broken branches. I finally found a branch that was a little sturdier, but it still wouldn't pull up the bag.

Finally...I looked around to see if anyone was watching, gave one final stab to the bag and let go of the lid (meaning I was leaning into the dumpster with no support), and I got my trashbag!!!
I pulled out the cell phone box and Sierra and I were on our way:-)

In IF news...I had my pre-op appt with Dr. K this morning. She let me know again that she didn't think the surgery is necessary, but respects my desire to have it done and see what, if anything, is going on in there. I left feeling a little scared as she talked to me about all the risks...knowing that this is indeed an elective surgery and not something that HAS to be done. They will also do another HSG while they are in there, to ensure my tubes are clean. thank GOD I'll be knocked out, as that was the most horrible test I've had so far.

Beta-3 intergrin test isn't looking good. She's asked several people at the university and no one is doing this test clinically. If she can't find someone who is doing it clinically (meaning for non-research purposes) she can't do it.

She also thinks the Family Fund fundraiser for November will be cancelled. She isn't sure, but did say it's not a great time to be asking people for money. I get that, but am upset that this isn't an option right now.

If we can scrape the $$ together, she did say I could start Lupron with my December cycle, and be ready for the ER in January. Guess I'll be asking my parents for more money.

Free to a good home

It was a gorgeous fall weekend here in STL. Dan and I were out walking Sierra, trying to take advantage of the weather. We live in the city, but in a very residential area, with lots of young families. As we're walking through the neighborhood, I notice an empy stroller sitting in someone's front yard. Not really that uncommon, I expected a toddler to come running out, ready to go for a stroll. As we got closer, I noticed a sign on the stroller that said "free to a good home." My first thought...even before the thought of "ew, it might be gross, or damaged" was...I need that stroller. My mind immediately started spinning to try to figure out how to say this to Dan. Then I realized...I don't need a stroller, free or not...b/c I do not have a use for one.

Fun. People are giving away baby stuff...and I still can't have it, b/c there is no use for it. That's all I need, to have a stroller sitting in our spare bedroom, just mocking me...daring me to look at it. Blah.

In other news...AF is here, right on schedule. I have a call in to Dr. K's office to schedule my lap and confirm insurance coverage. I still haven't heard if the beta-3 integrin test is an option, guess I need to figure that out also.

Good news about our donation fund for Amy! As Dan calls it the "Amy Fund" has over $620!!! I continue to be so amazed at the generosity. No news from Amy. I e-mailed her this morning but haven't heard back yet.

Insurance sucks!

So I finally decided to go for the lap. I am scared shit.less, but want to do it anyway. So I called the RE office to see if they could find out if it's covered by insurance. If it's not, I won't do it, b/c we simply do not have the money.


After some back and forth with the RE secretary, turns out insurance won't tell us if it's covered until the day the appt is scheduled. The problem? I can't schedule the appt until my period starts. Great. So...I will build myself up for this procedure, but may not actually be able to have it done. I expect AF in about 10 days, so I guess we're waiting until then. To date, insurance has been good about covering diagnostic testing, so I'm hopeful it will be covered.

I'm waiting for Dr. K to call and let me know the results of the discussion she had with the other RE's about my case yesterday. Also, she was going to provide me with the list of HR people so I can send my letter. Even though I'm on a break, at least these little things make me feel like I'm doing something.

I met a new Nestie friend last night:-) Jenny is from KC and comes to STL once a month for work. We met for dinner. I told Dan it really is amazing how "strangers" can have so much in common and so much to talk about. We jabbered through the whole dinner:-) It is just so nice to talk to people that really and truly get it.

Not a great IF weekend

For starters, I felt myself starting to O on Friday night. Yes, for those of you who think I'm an idiot, I can feel it. My anxiety level went up immediately. I knew there was no hope of doing anything about it, so I tried to talk myself down from the ledge. Seriously though, I hate being this in tune with my body. It sucks. Why can I just be in blissful oblivion? I know that the chances of conceiving without medical intervention are about null at this point, so why try? Rationally, I know this. However, it didn't stop me from thinking that I was wasting my eggs for another month. Ugh.

Then, last night I had a horrible IF dream. I can't tell you specifically what it was about, b/c I don't remember it all. I remember just enough to know it was about IF and an un-supportive family (which I don't have) and I woke up with my heart pounding. Horrible, horrible. Guess I can discuss that at my therapy appt tomorrow. Yes, I finally made one, for 3 pm on Monday. I'm not really sure what good it's going to do, but I'll try it and see what I think.

In fun news...since I started this post early this morning I got to have breakfast with a friend I met on the Nest, and her sweet little boy:-) It so helps to talk about this crap, and also to see that I *can* get to the other side...I just have to wait my turn:-(

Our conversation also got me thinking about getting a lap. Mentally, I had left it as...well Dr. K doesn't think I need it, so why do it. Also, I was going to get ask Dr. S at my second opinion appt. If he said I didn't need it, I would believe both of them. But I think it might give me some piece of mind. I'm hoping to get a call from Dr. K next week, to update me on the RE group consensus of my case. When I talk to her, I'm going to ask if she could do the lap and the beta-3 integrin test at the same time. This is a test to determine implantation issues. This was on my list of questions for last week...but the conversation totally took another turn in talking about IVF #2 and I didn't ask.

So that's my weekend. Nothing too exciting. I have my letter to HR just about finalized, and hope to be sending that next week.

my FET WTF appointment

Ugh. Where to begin? I'll start by saying that I love my RE (still!) and am so happy she is my doctor. I thought she was going to cry when she said she has no idea why IVF/FET didn't work. She did say that she was less surprised about my FET, which I felt the same way.

Anyway, she wants me to do another IVF. She knows we're OOP...but still wants me too. I work for the same university that RE does. She urged me to write letters to HR. She said she and her partners are really pushing the University to include IF coverage for employees, and feels that it is coming...but she isn't sure how soon. As she said, even if I could get a discounted rate, it is better than nothing.

Also, she is nominating me for the Family Fund. I didn't even know they had that. A (rich) couple who were patients of the clinic started this fund several years ago. They hold fund-raising events and give the money to RE to give to eligible couples who don't have any children, specifically for IVF. She wasn't sure of the criteria (we may make to much $$), but will have the office manager call me to go over eligibility criteria. She said it might be $1k or it might be $10k, all depends on how much is in the fund, and how many people are currently trying to get the money. She also says she will stock pile meds for me until I start IVF #2. We went over what meds I currently have, 1 vial Lupron and 600 IUs Follistim. She said she could easily come up with the rest.

She is going to bring my case up at the RE conference meeting next Tues. They typically hold this time for currently cycling IVF patients, so that was really nice of her. She'll call me if they come up with other suggestions for protocol changes,etc. However, based on the way I responded, she doesn't see the need to change protocol. I responded beautifully, had fabulous embryos that made it to 5dt. We don't need to do ICSI, but she will do AH. She will also make sure she does my transfer, and will transfer 3 if there are 3 that look good.

I asked about a lap. She isn't *for* it, but will do it if I want. She said anything they may find with the lap would be bypassed by IVF anyway. I'm up in the air. If insurance covers it, I will go for it (I think). If they don't, I won't. The way I see it, it can't hurt anything. Anyone have thoughts on that?

So now I have to have the conversation with Dan. I wish I could think of a better conversation starter than "she wants us to do another IVF." He's immediately going to go on the defensive about $$, and rightly so. Please GOD let us be eligible for this Family Fund. I told her that if I qualify, and get pregnant, that we will gladly join the cause. I would love nothing more than to give back...if only we can get on the other side of the fence.

It's official

The nurse called to say "I'm sorry to tell you but you aren't pregnant." Thank goodness I POAS the other day. If I hadn't, I would swear I am pregnant, just b/c of these damn PIO symptoms. What a slap in the face that call would have been. I can stop all meds now thank God.

I have a call in to schedule my WTF is next appt. I'm going to ask Dr. K about doing a lap, and also about the Y.ale test. Plus there is one other that can be done if it turns out I might have endo. Nothing points to that, but I do have some of the lesser symptoms, fatigue, pain with sex sometimes and obviously infertility. Do I want them to drill a hold in my body? No of course not, but if it gives us some answers, even if it is only to rule out something I will do it. Dr. K has mentioned a lap in the past, but also said she saw no reason for me to do it, unless I wanted the peace of mind. I guess I'm ready for the peace of mind now.

I'm running out of options here. I really want that Y.ale test. If I don't have the sticky stuff I need, and can't start producing it there is no need to do another IVF. Even with perfect embies it just wouldn't work.