I'm calling it.

I started spotting yesterday, and there is more today. IUI #7 is going down in the history books as a Big Fat Fucking Negative. I'm just at a loss. Not because I expected it to work (if you ask my friends, they will all say I had no hope at all), but...what now?? Apparently Dr. K's idea of my issue being endo is a blown theory.

I left a message for Dr. K's secretary to have my nurse call me back. I stuttered almost completely through the whole damn message. When I finally said "it appears our insemination has failed" it was all I could do to keep from crying.

As always, it's now time for my period to show itself so I can begin to move forward again. Last cycle didn't disappoint, as I started a few days after starting to spot. Let's hope it's the same this time. I hope to talk to my nurse today about getting on the books for IVF #2, assuming I don't have to wait a cycle. I don't think I will. I hope I won't. I'm ready now. I've been ready for too fucking long.

To add to this misery, is my behavior on Saturday night. We had friends over, and I was really looking forward to it. I had a drink, I had 2...decided I didn't want to keep drinking. Nothing sounded good. We were hanging out, but I just wasn't feeling it. I felt horrible. I looked around and saw everyone else having fun, and I just wasn't. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be under the covers with no one to bother me. I made a horrible spectacle of myself. The worst thing is, I really can't attribute it to anything specific (although now maybe PMS). Nothing "set me off." I was in a great mood to start. Then boom. Fuck fuck fuck these hormones. It has to be that. I'm tired of them ruling my world. I'm sick to death of it all. I feel like crying right now.

I suppose maybe I should start taking my Prozac again, huh? I've been without it for a few weeks now. No particular reason. It's not like I'm avoiding it. I guess I thought I could deal on my own? Apparently not.

Feeling really scattered

I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. I seem to jump from activity to activity, without really finishing anything. My thoughts are all over the place. I'm feeling very out of control. I guess that's a good reason to try a new hair color today:-)

IUI #7 is officially in the books. I had 3 eggs, and Dan had 21.5 million little boys and girls. Please GOD let one of them find the other. I guess that's not really my only prayer though. I really think my issue is implantation. So I guess I am also praying that my uterus is strong and welcoming and comfy...and everything that an embryo might need to succeed.

One of the Fellows did my IUI yesterday. I asked about heading right into IVF #2 if this cycle should fail. She said she didn't see why not, but recommended I call my nurse to confirm.

Last night, I went to a family friends holiday get-together with my parents. There were 2 little boys there, one 7 and one 4. The 4 year old was a cutie-patootie. It about broke my heart when my mom asked him for a hug. Not only did he give a hug, he jumped into her arms, and she picked him up and held him. I had to look away. She is so ready to be a grandma. Actually, I didn't even tell her about this IUI, which was really hard considering we hung out last night and IUI was yesterday morning. She just gets so excited. And it makes me mad. I tell her not to get her hopes up, but she does each and every time.

I'm really tired of disappointing people. Even Dan...who on his facebook status yesterday said "praying for a baby." Um...can you hear my heart just ripping into teeny tiny pieces???????

IUI #7 is a-go!!!

I just got the call from my nurse. IUI # 7 is scheduled for Saturday morning at 8 am. I will stim one more night (u/s tech was right), trigger on Thursday night, with IUI the next day.

She confirmed that I was ok with the # of follicles. Yep, sign me up please:-) I have a 15, 14.5, 14, and 10, with 4 others in between. So it looks like I'll have 3 mature, which is fantastic to me.

This will be my last IUI. If it fails, we'll head right into IVF #2, assuming Dr. K won't make me wait a cycle.

Getting dressed...

just to get undressed.
This is the most annoying part of early morning monitoring for me. I mean, it's not like I can go without a shower, and then run home and get ready for work. I have to go to these appts ready to go to work. I got all dressed today (in new clothes from Santa) and look pretty darn cute, thank you very much:-) It just felt like I got dressed, and then 5 minutes later was taking off my clothes again. It's just frustrating sometimes.

Anyhoo...I now have EIGHT measurable follicles. The biggest is 15, smallest is 10, and they are several that are between 13 and 14.5. The u/s tech (the one I don't like) said she thought they might stim me one more day. I doubt it. As always, b/w will tell the whole story, so I'll be anxiously waiting for that call.

Two follicles so far!

The title of this post isn't so exciting, but *is* accurate. I went in today for my cd7 monitoring appt. I have 2 measurable follies on the R ovary, and a "group" of smallish ones on the left, and it looked like one of those in the group was taking the lead.

Here's to hoping and praying for THREE this time, although I will settle for two. Well actually, as we all know, I'll settle for one...but the more the merrier. The increased Gonal-F seems to be doing it's job (thank you very much me, for begging Dr. K to increase it:-)) I'll stay on 150 IU's tonight and tomorrow and go back on Monday morning.

I'm guessing IUI #7 will be Jan 1 or 2.

On to IUI #7

AF showed in full force this morning. Believe it or not, this is a GOOD thing. Last cycle was my first cycle post endo removal, and I spotted about 6 days, which is the norm for me. This cycle, I only spotted 3 days. I will look at this as progress:-)

Anyhoo...I'll call tomorrow for my cd3 u/s and b/w on Tuesday, and we'll be off and running again. IUI #7 would be around Jan 2. This is assuming that we are able to freeze more of Dan's sperm. After IUI #6 we only had one vial left, and we typically need 2 to get enough for one IUI. So hopefully he can do his thing on Tuesday too...and then that will be off my mind. Let's hope so.

Otherwise, it's been a busy weekend. I'm jumping from project to project today...so not getting anything DONE, but at least making progress on lots of things.

I talked Dan into getting our pics taken with Santa Paws at Petsmart this weekend. Here's the outcome. I like it! Sierra was such a good girl:-)

The spotting has started...

Yep, you read right. I started spotting yesterday, which means IUI #6 is a bust. Just lovely. I'm not upset. It is what it is. I had low (very low) expectations for this cycle to work...so it looks like I did a great job in meeting that expectation. My "test" day is this Saturday...but at least the spotting will save a pregnancy test. And no...I have no hope that this spotting is implantation, or any other indication of pregnancy.

I am not pregnant. Again.

Thanks to (another!) generous nestie, I'll be able to do one more IUI cycle prior to moving to IVF #2. Do I have much hope it will work? No. But it's worth a try.

I signed up for Flex Spending again for 2009, which means that $450 will be taken from my paycheck each month...to be spent on medical expenses. At least if we have to do IVF again, there's 5K that can be applied immediately. I did the same thing this year...so won't miss (too much) that $450 each month.

As for my 2nd opinion appt with Dr. S.ilber...I have decided that I really didn't like him. I will take his main 2 ideas to Dr. k and see what she says. It seems that some some sort of sedation at ET is fairly common, so I don't imagine she would put up much of an argument with that.

On to IUI #7.

Now waiting...

I'm in the 13day wait! See, this is how not into this cycle I actually am. I didn't come rushing home yesterday to post on my blog, or the nest (although I finally did update my facebook status late yesterday afternoon).

IUI #6 was yesterday. 14.5 million spermies went swimming for that one mature follie. Certainly one of them can find it, right?!?!?! I came home, Dan made me biscuits and gravy, and I took a LONG nap. As usual, I can test 14 days from yesterday, which puts it at Dec 22. Much too close to Christmas if you ask me. Not sure if I'll test or not.

Anyhoo...thanks for all the good thoughts.

Triggering tonight

IUI #6 will be Saturday. I only have one follicle, but I will hold out hope that it's a good one. After all, my endo is gone; maybe I am reproductively "healthy" now. Fertile girls get pregnant with one egg all the time, so why not me?!?!?

Anyhoo...I trigger tonight, and the IUI will be about 8:30 Saturday morning. I'm glad it's Saturday b/c that means Dr. K will probably do it. I'd certainly feel more optimistic if she was doing it. Not that I don't trust the nurses...

I think I may have enough Gonal-F for another IUI (thanks to another nestie:-)). If it comes to that, I'm going to ask Dr. K to up my dosage.

I am so done with this

My day did not start off well. I went for my 7:40 monitoring appt. Apparently my two follicles on Monday are actually just one. I won't go into details, but the tech today (who is the best and I trust) thinks the tech on Monday made an error. So, my follicle that was 11 on Monday is now 14.5. No others in sight. There are 18 that aren't measurable (meaning they are too small) b/t both ovaries. Tech thinks I will have an IUI on Saturday. According to her, she hopes "I have a few more sprout up." Yeah, me too.

WTF. I am just so done with this. All of this. This issue also proves my point that I respond waaay better to Follistim than Gonal-F. I'd have 3-4 mature follicles on Follistim. This just sucks. Can I say it again? I am done with it. If this cycle doesn't work I really just want to head back to IVF #2. My chances are so much better, and we know how I will respond.

Maybe they will increase Gonal a bit in the next few days? I will sit here and anxiously await my nurses call. I really will not feel optimistic if I have only one mature follicle. Mother f***er.

UPDATE: My nurse just called. My E2 is up to 121 (needs to be b/t 150-200 to indicate a mature follicle) I'll keep Gonal-F at the same dose tonight and go back tomorrow for more monitoring. So much for an IUI on Fri or Sat. She thinks the earliest the IUI will be is Monday. That gives me a bit of hope that I might get another follie to pop up.

I'm still completely done with this. Totally and completely.

To tree, or not to tree???

I'm thinking not to tree. No, I'm not a grinch. No, I'm not depressed and feeling sorry for myself. It's just so much work. We live in a 3rd floor walk-up condo. Our Christmas stuff is stashed in the basement. I just don't think I am up for it. Plus, I have so much to do, I don't know when I'd find the time to do it. Dan could take it or leave it. He always likes once it's up (offering NO help!), but is also always the first to ask when it will be taken down. I just don't think I'm up for it this year.

In IF news...I've been stimming since Thurs night. I go in tomorrow for u/s and b/w to see what's cooking in there. Hopefully enough...but not too much. Believe it or not, I am so not into this cycle. Seriously, I'm afraid I will forget my meds. I guess I have so much other stuff going on that it's hard to focus on my cycle. This time last year we were on a break, so I don't really have much to compare it to.

IUI #6 here we go!

Time to get back on the roller coaster. I have been spotting for 6 days, yes SIX. I finally started AF yesterday. I went in for my baseline b/w and u/s today and all looks good. My ovaries are "resting", E2 is 41 and FSH is 5. Go me.

I'll start 112.5 IUs of Gonal-F tomorrow night, and will continue with that dose through Sunday night. I go in Monday at 8 for u/s and b/w to see how things are progressing. I think I'm on track for a Dec 8-10 IUI.

Dr. K has a new nurse now. Maybe she'll be lucky for me? I saw Dr. K today and she gave me a hug. It's so nice to know that she cares.