I think my head might explode

I do not know how I will make it to Thursday. I just don't know. I am back to work today, and was super busy this morning. Now I am back at my desk and my mind is wandering. Actually, wandering is an understatement. It's already gone.

I'm giving myself a headache. I can feel it coming on. I had a headache about 3 days last week. I looked up "early pregnancy symptoms" this morning, and headache is one of them. Plus, I've had some heartburn. I've had some crampy feelings in my girlie parts. As I have said before I am wayyy in tune with my body, so yes I do feel something going on down there. It's reassuring. Spotting seems to be gone as of this morning.

I'm taking these simple things and riding on them for the next 2 days. I've googled "beta numbers", "low beta numbers", "IVF low beta numbers", etc. It's not making me feel much better.

I keep telling myself over and over that Dr. K said my number was ok. And that she wanted to call me herself b/c she was excited for me, so that must be good right??? But, why couldn't I just have a big number that left me with no room to worry???? Why me? I feel like I'm whining, and I am. I know I am. But it's my blog and I'll do what I want. I just want it to be easy. Or at least semi-easy. I think I've earned it.

Dan is mad at me. He thinks I am stressing too much. Which I am. But I can't stop. Dan is calling Sierra big sister, and it's a little infuriating to me, although I think it's sweet at the same time.

I hope I don't seem ungrateful, b/c I'm not. I've never been this pregnant before. I just don't want it ripped away from me before I even get a chance to enjoy it.

because I am a freaker-outer

I posted my news on the nest, e-mailed a few people and then just completely shut-down. I just think that number is waaaayyyyy low. I called Dr. K who just called me back.

SHe assured me all is fine. They REALLY only want to see it over 100. She said the spotting was TOTALLY normal. She also moved beta #2 from next Monday to this Thursday. She told me again how deserving we are, and how she would do anything to get me pregnant. SHe said when she saw my results she wanted so badly to call me herself, but let the nurse do it (since she has to deliver the bad news also).

So there it is. It is what it is. Whatever happens, happens. I am going to try to start thinking positively. Stay tuned for Thursday!

Pregnant!

It's official!!

My beta at 15dp3dt is 147. It seems low to me, but all Dr. K's office wants to see is 100. I'm going to go with it. Whatever happens, happens. Today, I am PREGNANT! OMG. When I had my miscarriage a few years ago, my beta never got about 50ish. So this is technically the most pregnant I have ever been.

I'm in shock.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be it for us. PLEASE!

6th wedding anniversary

After yesterdays news, today is pretty much another day:-) In celebration of the big day though, here are my 2 favorite wedding pictures, and the "classic" pic. The first one is of us seeing each other for the first time. We did pictures before, but I still wanted a special way to see each other. So this is it!! The second one is of our first dance, to Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are:-)

Tomorrow is beta day. We're both doing ok, telling ourselves and each other that we are cautiously optimistic. There's no reason to think bad thoughts, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about anything now, except hope for the best. I'm trying not to get too caught up in the beta #, simply b/c without having a follow-up beta (which will be one WEEK from tomorrow) there is really no way of knowing how things will turn out. Based on others experiences, and stats I've seen online, I'm hoping for at least 200.

Oh, and I'm still spotting....

and the result it.....

I am pregnant:-) Oh my goodness.

I got home from work last night to get the test. I realized it was expired! I wasn't taking any chances, so I had to go to THREE stores to find one. I thought for sure it was an omen that I shouldn't be testing, but by that time I was on a mission.

After crying myself to sleep last night, Dan woke me up at 7. I SO did not want to get out of bed, but knew I should do it before I really woke up and started thinking/analyzing.

I did the test and then jumped back in bed and hid under the covers. I was SO scared. When I finally peeked out, Dan was right there and gave me a kiss. I asked if it was a good kiss or a bad one, and he said "I think it's very good." I started giggling like an idiot:-)

We're both in shock I think. Dan admitted he thought it would be negative. I'm just freaked. This is just the very first hurdle we had to jump. Next one is the beta on Monday.

But...it's nice to say that we are pregnant in time for our 6th wedding anniversary:-)

Scared of the stick and oh so grateful...

Well, tomorrow is the day (unless I chicken out, which may happen). I had what I thought was a brilliant idea this morning. I pulled out my one last digital pregnancy test from way in the back of the bathroom cabinet. The idea was to pull it out, set it on the counter, look at it tonight, get used to is sitting there...in hopes of de-sensitizing myself to it and the idea of what it might tell me. I'm not kidding when I say I pulled the box out of the cabinet, pulled the plastic wrapped test out of the box, FREAKED OUT...threw the test back in the box, and the box back in the cabinet and slammed the door.

I'm afraid. Desparately afraid of it being negative. I know I have "plans" but I'm just not ready to see the NOT in front of the PREGNANT. Damn digital...the most expensive stick I will ever pee on. I think I could handle the line tests better. The absense of the 2nd line is a little less harsh than the presence of the NOT.

Spotting is the same. SOmetimes none, sometimes brown, not really pink anymore........

Now on to the grateful part...

Irregardless of what tomorrow (or Monday) brings, Dan and I feel so grateful to be surrounded by such caring people. Some people I/we have known FOREVER, some just a little while, and some we've never met; some are family, and some most definately feel like family. The thoughts, vibes, prayers, good juju, etc from everyone are SO much appreciated. I've received gifts, free meds (!!!), prayers from Japanese fertility gods and most recently the gracious offer of places to stay, should our quest for baby force us to look outside of STL. Last but not least, 3 different people have offered to carry our child, should it (God forbid) come to that. The knowledge that we still have choices, thanks to the generosity of others, keeps me going.

Thank you:-)

decision

Ok. I've gone back and forth about this, I've asked people, I've thought of the pros and cons, etc.

I'm taking a home test on Saturday morning, assuming I don't start full on bleeding before then (b/c we all know what that means). I will do the beta on Monday (b/c I don't feel like calling Idiot Fellow and trying to convince her to move the test date--I just don't have it in me).

If it's negative on Saturday, I will be prepared for the call on Monday. Then I will get drunk. Our anniversary is on Sunday, and although I'd hate to have horrible news, my attitude lately is probably worse than it would be if they would just tell me I'm not pregnant, so what's the difference?

If it's positive, I will be confident in getting a + beta, b/c there is no way this late into my cycle I'd get a false + on an HPT.

I'm just so afraid I'll pee on the damn thing and then refuse to look at it! I rarely take HPTs, simply b/c my period usually starts before I get the urge to test. So this whole drama on whether or not to test is kind of new to me.

I'm still spotting. About the same. Intermittently.

the waiting game

I am SO PISSED. PISSED!!!! I called Dr. K office this morning to ask to move my beta from Monday to Friday. I'm not optimistic, and thought having the weekend to process would be helpful. Dr. K and the other REs are all out of town. WTF is up with that. The other doc on duty said NO to my request to move the beta. I KNOW Dr. K would have complied. This was all relayed to me through the secretary. She said that the doc said if I'd been a 5dt she would have let me come on Friday, but b/c I was a 3dt she said no. I asked why, and obviously the secretary didn't know. Mother Fucker. Seriously people, what are you thinking. All I can say is thank God I talked myself down from the ledge on Monday, b/c I'm back up there again right now.

Now I don't know what to do. I think I may still take off Friday and test at home. I have a digital, and by Friday it would be totally accurate. I have a BIG week at work next week and cannot fathom taking off Monday, recovering from the devastation and then be back in working order all of next week. A person can only take so much and I'm at my limit. Can you tell?

The spotting update...I continued to spot brownish stuff until last night. Before bed/after waking today, it was almost non-existant. I've had one incident of pink spotting today.

Believe it or not(!!) I'm doing ok. (I must say that I got the call from the secretary as I was typing all this other stuff, so if I seem much more calm through the rest of the post, that's why.)

I'm well aware (and thanks to those who reminded me) that spotting with IVF is normal, even if the IVF is a success. Comparing to my first IVF, I was bleeding by now, so I consider the fact that I'm not yet, a good sign. Comparing to my FET, I had to stop the PIO before my period started. So, both of those cases are different than what I am experiencing now. Different is good, right?!

And, I got to have dinner with Jenny last night, who is a fellow Nestie and lives in KC. She came in unexpectedly, and I'm so glad she did. Yesterday was not a good day for either of us, and it was nice to debrief, and curse, and be mad and sad with each other. I don't care how supportive Dan is, there is nothing like talking to a girl, especially a girl that "gets" it.

I left dinner with a tentative plan to follow if this IVF doesn't work. I'm a planner, and while having a plan will NOT take away the devastation of a negative test, it will help me to know that I'm not done, I'm still in the game, and can get started on the next step. My plan, in no real particular order...

1) Get a consult with Dr. P.earlst.one (who Dr. K recommended as the only other Board Certified RE in STL).
2) Get a consult with Dr. W.itten and Ahl.ering. I know several people who are very happy with them (including Amy). Plus, they have some good financial packages, and will also do a uterine biopsy. Granted, it's not the one I want, but it's a step further than Dr. K/WU has ever been willing to go.
3) maaaayyybeeee get a consult with CCRM. Their stats are great, and this is who Jenny is using now. 86% success rate. Basically, if they can't get me pregnant no one can. The kicker? They are in Denver and 1 cycle is about $20k. We could pay $15kish for another cycle here in STL, or add $5k more and have a 30% increase in our chance of success.
4) I will GET the biopsy I want before we use the 2 frozen embryos from this cycle. Without getting that, and knowing that I'm "clear", I feel like I'd be "wasting" the embryos.
5) see my gyno for a regular exam b/c I am wwaaaaayyy past due (and maybe she can recommend someone who will do the biopsy I want).

deep end...

as in "going off of the."

That is my life today, and for the past 15 hours. So I had the cramps on Saturday night. Almost 24 hours after they started, I started getting this discolored, brownish discharge. Not alot, but enough for my eagle eye to catch it. I swear, whether I am ever a mom or not, I do not think I will ever NOT look at a piece of toilet paper in the same way. Anyhoo...I immediately (and still am) think the worst. This is typically how my pre period spotting starts. This gunky stuff, followed by brown spotting, then pink, then viola..not pregnant again.

I am a mess. I slept maaayyybeeee 2 hours last night. Maybe. I didn't tell Dan. What's the point. All night, I just kept thinking 1) how in the world can we afford another IVF, and 2) how in the world can I emotionally handle another IVF. I consider myself a fairly strong person. My IRL friends can vouch for that, I think. I've been through alot, Dan and I have been through alot. But I just feel like I have been drug through the mud, run over 1000 times, punched in the gut, and then fed to the sharks. That's not really an exaggeration.

I told my mom this morning that I wasn't feeling optimistic. I didn't tell her about what's going on. She started out great, really positive, in good spirits, saying all the right things. I finally admitted to the financial strain, and how if this was covered by insurance it would be devastating, but not AS devastating. Her response "If you want a child or children which I know that you do, you will have to deal with it." Ouch. Harsh. Thanks. I didn't reply to that, and deleted it immediately. She was doing so well there for a bit.

I posted on the Nest this morning, and received some really nice responses, that cleared my foggy head a bit and moved me closer to the rational side. That's not to say I'm feeling totally rational, I still feel like this will end badly and just want to get it over with now.

Oh, and I'm going to call Dr. K on Wed to see if I can get beta moved until Friday. Most other RE's would have scheduled my beta for this Wed. WU is just REALLY conservative. Technically, it should have been scheduled for next Sunday, but they don't do b/w then.

cramps

I debated on writing about this, b/c I don't want to jinx anything. I had cramps last night. Little teeny, tiny, popping pokes, actually, way down low. I don't cramp before my period, only during (and that's rare), and when I do it's really pressure all the way across. What I experienced last night was not like that at all. I suppose I can't really call them cramps, but there's not really anything else to call them. They happened on and off for about 3 hours.

The obsessive person that I am went back and looked at the posts from my FET in August. That time, I talked about a feeling like little needles jabbing me from the inside, but only for about 30 seconds. Last night was different than that.

I just wish, I mean really WISH, I could walk around in blissful oblivion during this totally anxiety provoking time. The truth of the matter is, I haven't been overly obsessive in "feeling" what might be going on. It's just the fact that I think I've trained my brain over these past few years to pay attention to ANYTHING, and now it just does it automatically. Don't like it so much:-(

They only other "sign" to speak of is that I've been incredibly tired. That however, I totally chalk up to the PIO. I've been around this block enough times to know that fatigue means absolutely nothing.

8 days til beta..........................

Something to freeze!!!!

They called with our cryo report a day early. We have two 6-day embryos in the freezer!!!!! Four more must have arrested since Sunday. That's ok though, beggars can't be choosers. I'm so thankful to have something to fall back on. But, as my eternally optimistic friend Sara reminded me this morning, I can only focus on the positive. That means....we have future siblings in the freezer!!! Oh. That sounds kind of bad. And weird. But you know what I mean;-)

Now...my obsession of the day, prior to that call, was what in the world is going on down there in uterus-land??? Today should technically be implantation day. I spent a few minutes in bed this morning, visualizing 2 little embryos (no, not 3 b/c I don't want to be selfish. and yes I am serious)...holding hands, walking around in there on their little stick legs/feet trying to find a nice spot to camp. Specifically, I was envisioning embryo 2 and 13. No idea why. And yes, in my visualization they DID find a spot, and sat down like they were in a really fluffy bed:-) And they talked to each other. 2 told 13 that they had to find a spot b/c mommy really wanted them to hang around. And though they felt bad for 12, and didn't want to leave him/her behind, they needed to move on and do this for mommy.

People, I am serious. This was the scenario in my head this morning. If this doesn't work, will someone please check me into the hospital?

ANd because I am a visual person, here is what is *hopefully* going on in there right now (X 2).

Have the stars aligned???

I keep talking about being hopeful, but not toooo hopeful. Being realistic, but optimistic. It's so hard. During my last therapy appt, we talked about the fact that it's going to suck either way if this IVF doesn't work, so why not just at least be happy for now. I tend to agree, but my mind has a way of running away from itself, as does Dan's. He'll yell at me for getting too far ahead of myself, and then 5 minutes later he starts talking about how badly he wants a little girl, and is all goo-goo ga-ga over baby commercials on TV. It's hard.

Anyhoo...I am a bit of a superstitious person, and I do believe in being able to jinx things, and I do believe in signs. I wrote about my good friend delivering her healthy baby boy on Sunday (the same day as our transfer). Dan immediately said "it's a sign! good things are going to happen!" I tend to agree with him.

Well...later than same night (Sunday, night of transfer) I get a FB e-mail from an old high school friend. I'm pretty sure we hadn't corresponded since before Christmas, and although he and his wife know about our struggles, they had no knowledge about IVF #2. They are currently living in Japan. Turns out, that same day they had gone to a fertility festival in a little village. They bought us a plaque that hangs outside a fertility shrine, that is supposed to be answered by the fertility gods. I almost fell out of my chair. I turned around to tell Dan, and had tears in my eyes. He just looked at me, and finally said "that is amazing."

Mike sent me a pic of the plaque today. The most chilling thing for me is that it has the date of our ET on it. Mike and Heather, if you guys see this, you ROCK. You have no idea how much it means to us:-)

3 embies are back home:-)

We had a 3dt today. We got the call early, that we were set for today. I immediatly got upset, b/c we both assumed we'd have a 5dt, just b/c we had 11 embryos. Dan was laying next to me during the call and the first thing he said after I hung up was "wow, they must be dying off quickly." Um, thanks for that. Actually, it's the exact same thing I was thinking, he just chose to voice it.

Prior to transfer, we had to take Sally (foster dog) back to the shelter. We just can't deal with her right now, and I need to be as stress-free as possible so she was the easiest stressor to eliminate.
Dan and I bickered all the way to the RE office. (Most of it was my fault-I was picking fights). I started blubbering the second we walked into the building. Once we go to the office and into the prep room and changed into our gowns I started sobbing. It was just too much stress. I just couldn't understand what happened to all of our embryos, and was finding it difficult to be optimistic. I kept thinking it would never work and was a waste of another $12k. Dan just kept shoving kleenexes at me. I'd stop for a few minutes, then start sobbing again. Dr. K walked in during my breakdown.

I couldn't even get out why I was so upset, so Dan told her. Then he started crying!! Poor Dr. K. SHe got down on her knees in front of me and assured me the embryos she was going to transfer were "beautiful" and "clear". I asked what happened to the others. WHen she looked at my chart, she had the same question herself so she called the lab. Turns out, b/c we wanted to transfer 3, they wanted those 3 back in me ASAP. There are actually 6 more still growing (so only 2 died over the past 2 days). I'm hoping that we can freeze 2-4 of those 6...but won't know until 3/20. Plus, as Dr. K reminded me, my uterus is a much better incubator than a petri dish.

Once she calmed me down off to the OR we went. Dan got to go and we saw them plop the embryos into my uterus via cathetar. I have a severely tilted uterus (it actually points toward my back). For this reason, I took Valium this time, to calm my muscles in hopes of my uterus doing what it is supposed to. I took 1 an hour before, and 1 30 minutes before. That's probably also why I was so emotional.

THey also did assisted hatching on all 3. This is where they use a laser to make a small pin point hole into the shell, so the embryos have a better chance of making their way out of the shell and into a nice cozy spot in my uterus.

We named them with IVF #1. We chose not to name them this time. We are, however, calling them 2, 12, and 13, which is the way the lab labeled them.

AND, when I got home, I was just getting ready to call a friend to tell her all was well. SHe texted me right before, saying she was in labor and her baby Evan will be here today!!!! We joked that hers is coming out and mine is going in:-)

So that's my story. Beta is 3/30, one day after our 6th wedding anniversary.

ANd here are our embies:-) The top 2 are 8 cell, and the bottom one is 7 cell.

11:-)

I got the fert report call!!! We have 11 embryos growing in a little petri dish down the street:-) We're SO excited!!!! This is the same # we had with IVF #1. This time though, they all fertilized naturally (without ICSI).

They'll call tomorrow with a tentative ET time for Sunday. They won't disturb the embryos tomorrow. Early Sun morning they'll pull them out to see how they are doing. Based on how many are still thriving, and what stage they are in, we'll either do the 3day transfer on Sunday, or the 5dt on Tuesday.

13

First of all, thanks so much to everyone who sent me good thoughts via the Nest, Facebook or my blog. They meant a ton, and Dan was amazed at the care. I'm not amazed anymore though, my friends ROCK!!!!

They got 13 mature eggs yesterday! After talking to Dr. K, I found out that as of my last u/s, I had 11 follicles that were mature, meaning measuring above a certain size. Once I took the trigger shot, 2 more matured, which is how we ended up with 13. Of course I always think more is better, but I'm totally fine with 13.

They should be calling today after noon with the fertilization report.

For those of you that have asked my what the ER is like, I thought I'd write about it here.

Once they took us back to the prepping area, we had to sign consents saying we knew the risks. We signed another consent that we agreed to have an extra vial of blood drawn for use in a research study. The nurse came in, took my vitals, had me change out of all clothes. The nurse anesthesist came in to start my IV. We joked about the fun narcotic cocktail I'd be getting. Honestly, the only meds I remember are Fetnyl and Tordal. Dr. K came in to say hi, walked me through what they expected to retrieve and wished me luck. They had me empty my bladder one last time, get a quick good luck kiss from Dan (who'd been able to stay with me the whole time), and then they walked me into the OR. I was on the table for a few fun minutes, with the starting doses of the med cocktail starting to work. LOVED that:-) Then, I heard them ask where Dr. K. was, and that someone needed to find her. Part of me didn't care where Dr. K was, but the obsessive me was able to ask where she was and if she was coming. They assured me she was and then that's all I remember.

I woke up in the recovery room to the beeping machine. The nurse asked how I was feeling and for some reason, my brain wasn't connecting to my mouth. I told her "discomfortable" which got a little laugh from each of us, since we both knew what I was trying to say. She upped my pain meds a bit and all was well. I remember asking how many eggs they got. I remember asking for Dan (who came back abot 15 minutes later). Otherwise, I was in a state of "I don't care what happens right now."

The nurse did my first small dose of PIO, with Dan watching. He'll give me 80% of these shots, so I wanted him to get a refresher. She even drew on me with a surgical marker to ensure we aimed for the right spot, which happens to be just above my butt.

We stayed for about another hour and then they discharged me with all instructions. Although most injections are done, I'm now taking more pills. I've been taking Doxy for the past 7 days or so; I'll keep that up until transfer. Last night, I took my first dose of Medrol, and today I start a baby aspirin. I'll continue with the prescription pre-natal...which is n.a.s.t.y.

So that's my story. I'm not so anxiously waiting for the fert report call, but I'm much less anxious than after the first ER. They hope for a 70-80% fert rate, so Im hoping b/t 9-10 fertilized successfully.

My friend Jenny from KC sent me a necklace on Wed (perfect timing!))) I tried to take a pic but it wouldn't work. Anyway, it's adorable:-) It's a sea turtle charm, which are symbols of fertility, a moonstone, which is used to aid fertility, and a pomegranate colored crystal, which is the "color" of infertility. I LOVE IT:-)

Also, at my therapy appt on Wed, the the therapist gave me a squeezy ball that had a face, which I named Hope. Hope got a lot of interest from all the medical staff and when I woke up in recovery, she was tucked under my chin:-)

Because we're dorks (well, b/c I'm a dork), I wanted a picture of us yesterday before ER. THe nurse walked in as we were trying to get ready for our self-portrait. Talk about embarrassed! She didn't blink an eye though and offered to take it for us. I guess I'm not the only dork out there:-) Here's the pic the nurse took, and if you look at my hands you'll see Hope.

what if this doesn't work??

That was the million dollar (well, $12,000) question I asked Dan last night. Once he realized what I was talking about, his quick response was then we'll do it again. That was the answer I was looking for, although the conversation stopped there.

I had a therapy appt yesterday (after Matt's funeral-perfect timing). We talked about staying optimistic, while still being realistic. It's hard. It's hard to not get excited that this might work, but I just need to stop and think that #1 didn't work, so why should #2??

Dan's in the shower, Sierra's been walked, I just need to dry my hair. Then we're off to the retrieval.

all triggered:-)

I FINALLY got the call today at 4:05, after having my appt this morning at 8 am. My E2 was 1465, and I took my trigger shot (Ovidrel) tonight at 9:30. Dan and I went to the hockey game, and left early, so I ended up taking it in the car. How romantic:-)

I'm ecstatic that Dr. K is going to do the ER and ET. I knew she was doing the ET, so the ER is just a bonus. We have to be there at 9 am, and they should take me into surgery about 9:30.

Let the bloat begin. Ovidrel makes me feel/look like a balloon. But it's all for a good cause:-)

Before the hockey game, Dan and I stopped by St.ray Res.cue. I got to pet an entire gaggle of puppies!!! Dan informed the person there that I was hormonal trying to make a baby and the lady just nodded her head and said "oh yes, the maternal instint." So glad he's blabbing my news all over STL.

Tomorrow morning is Matt's funeral. I think we are going. I hate funerals, I really do...but I have to do this for Amy.

I've got two more!!!

I had my u/s this morning. Two more follicles popped up, for a total of 17, 11 on my L and 6 on my R.

The Fellow that assisted with my LAP and did one of my IUIs was "following" the u/s tech this morning. I asked for her psychic prediction of the ER date, and she is guessing I'll trigger tonight, with ER on Thursday. (Which, BTW, was MY psychic prediction all along). Now I'm just waiting for the nurse to confirm. I can see maaaayybeeeee stimming one more night, with ER on Friday though.

I'm getting close!!! Stay tuned for more details:-)

Perspective

Before I get to my IF news for the day, I just wanted to update everyone that hasn't heard that Amy's husband Matt passed away early Saturday morning. I haven't talked to Amy. I can't imagine what she is going through. I don't think anyone expects to have to make funeral arrangments for their 30 year old husband. I'm just glad that Mattie is here, and named after her daddy. And from the pics I've seen of Matt, Mattie looks just like him:-) THanks for all the good thoughts and prayers that have been sent to their family over the past several months.

His death really puts things in perspective. It makes my IF problems seem not so important, and I think that's a really good thing right now...when I happen to be in the heart of my obsessing.

I had my first u/s today. They saw 15 follicles!! So right now, I'm about equal to where I was for ER with IVF #1, but I'm still stimming at least one more day. My E2 was 880. I go back tomorrow for more b/w and another date with the dildo-cam. My Ovidrel (trigger shot) and PIO got delivered this morning. Oh how I love those 5 inch needles. OK, so they probably aren't 5 inches, but they are LONG.

I called the blood drawing lady a vampire on Saturday (meant in the most affectionate manner, of course). Today, the vein she normally uses was a no-go, I've been poked too many times and have built up some scar tissue. She used the other arm, so now I have matching bruises.

Good news finally!!!!!

My E2 went from 99 on Thursday to 445 today!!! To compare (b/c that's what I do!), it was 397 this same cd with IVF #1. So I'm back on track. They are keeping me at 10 IUs of Lupron and 225 Follistim.

I go back Monday for b/w and u/s, so I finally get to see what's cooking in there.

The crazy, weird, unfortunate thing is that the b/w lady recognized me (in baseball cap and no make-up) this morning and called me by my first name without looking at my paperwork. I think it's time for me to move on to a new office:-)

Allergies are kicking my ass, and I can't take anything for them. I can take Tylenol for the headache they are giving me, but that does nothing for my constant sneezing and eye watering/itching. Yuck. I am glad to see Spring back in STL, even if it is just for a few days, though.

Fun stuff for Friday

TGIF!!!!! I spent all night obsessing about my low E2. Praying for at least a doubling number at tomorrows monitoring appt. If it keeps doubling, I'll be happy.



I *am* starting to feel some stuff going on in the ovary area. I'm getting a little discomfort, almost like constipation. Also, my EWCM is kicking into gear, so seeing that this morning made me feel a little bit better. Here's to hoping I'm just starting out slow. Worse case scenario...they cancel my cycle. So far, all I've had is b/w, so it would be a relatively cheap "mistake." Another worst case scenario is I guess they might convert me to an IUI, based on how many mature follicles I may have.



Alright, enough of that.



A very good friend of mine is due around the time of my ET. Her shower was a few weeks ago, and I made this blanket for her new little boy:-) It's a bittersweet situation, in that she got pregnant with Dr. K's help, on her first IUI + Clomid cycle. It's hard for me to grasp why I am still trying when it worked for her the first time.






In book news...I just read a really great history fiction book about Mary Lincoln. I highly recommend it! http://www.amazon.com/Mary-Janis-Cooke-Newman/dp/015603347X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236357924&sr=1-2

I started The Bluest Eye by Toni MOrrison, but could just NOT get into it. I hate to not finish a book, but there are so many other good ones to read, so I threw in the towel.

I'm now reading The Girl Who Stopped Swimming, and like it so far. I've read the authors other 2 books and really liked them. http://www.amazon.com/Girl-Who-Stopped-Swimming/dp/0446579653/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236357997&sr=1-1

The family drama continues. I want to write about it here, but I just don't want the wrong eyes to see it. Technology is scary sometimes.

I'm hoping to have a good weekend, and maybe get Sally adopted:-)

"you know I am paranoid"

Went for my monitoring this morning, b/w only. My E2 only rose to 99 (was 40 two days ago). Comparing to last cycle, it was 148 on this same day. They are keeping me on the same meds (225 Follistim/10 Lupron) for tonight and tomorrow, and I'll go back Saturday for more b/w. I was at lunch when she called, and in a loud restaurant, so I really didn't have time to process.

But then I got back to my office and the obsessing began:-( I called my nurse to get her thoughts. I feel so stupid when I call them back, they must think I am a nutcase. When C called me, I prefaced my question by saying "you know I am paranoid." C said, "we know each other well, it's ok." I've been around waaaaaayy too long.

Anyhoo. I told her my concern. She said it was rising slowly, but she really didn't see a problem. She agreed that it was rising more slowly with IVF #1. She agreed it was probably the BCP. She told me I was smart to question it, but reiterated she didn't think it was a problem. She said she would get concerned if we don't see a significant rise at the next 2 monitoring appts. She told me to keep asking my question if I continue to worry about it.

Generally, she tried to appease me a bit. So no, I don't really feel much better. She did say they try not to cancel cycles, so if anything, they may increase my meds more...before actually cancelling.

I can't take this. Too much stress. I hate not knowing. I hate...alot of things right now, and am getting really bitchy.

MAJOR family drama went down last night and I was completely stressed out. This is not helping.

First E2 check since starting stims

OK. I had b/w drawn this morning, for the first time since starting stims (Friday). It went from <20 last Wed, to 40 today. With IVF #1, it went from 28 to 48 in the same amount of time. They are keeping me at 10 Lupron, but increasing Follistim from 150 to 225 for tonight and tomorrow. With IVF #1 they kept me at 150 for the whole time. I go back on Thursday for more b/w.

It's hard to not be paranoid about why they are increasing me this time, but they didn't last time. Different is good, right? I am just so in need of control, and I'm officially out of control. Dr. K is telling my body what to do. I have faith in her, it's just so hard to give up that control.

I'm really trying hard to stay stress free. We still have Sally, b/c the lady that may want her has been sick. But, really things are better. She is still growling at Dan at night, but we've figured out that it's noises that set her off, not him necessarily (although when I make the same noises they don't bother her). We've also figured out her growls are very defensive, meant to intimidate, not hurt.

And. I have some MAJOR family drama going on. I'm trying hard to stay on the outskirts of it, b/c really it is not about me. But I called Dan a few minutes ago freaking out and he reminded me that I cannot get involved, that I have more important things going on right now. So true. I needed to hear it. My anxiety level is going up just thinking about it.

Plus, my Angie bracelet broke a little bit ago. I got paranoid that it was a bad omen that it broke. I'm just losing my mind I guess. It is just a bracelet, right???