Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A few more details...

I realize I was pretty to the point again yesterday. I just felt (and still feel) so wound up, I can't relax, my mind is racing and it won't slow down enough for me to catch a thought.

For starters, I stopped taking my Prozac. It's ironic the similarities between my pregnancy with Sophia and this one. I used up the last of my pills just as I found out I was pregnant, and never refilled until after my pp appt. THis time, I think I need to keep taking it. I hate to, but better a less-stressed me than some raging hormonal lunatic. I don't know. I'm definately going to fill it, and at least have it if I need it. I've been about 4 days without it so far, and I can tell the difference.

No more spotting thankfully. I swear, prior to them calling me back yesterday I was pacing the waiting room like a caged animal. I could not sit still. I needed to be active so my body was keeping up with my mind.

Once back in the u/s room, Dan sat down and held SOphie. I had planned on taking my camera to video everything, but once the spotting started, I knew there was no way I was going to video it, if something bad really was going on in there. From him, I heard "Oh my God" and "holy crap." :)

He left the u/s room showing all the staff the pictures. Bragging. He was SO excited. We took the elevator down with another couple that had gotten good news. Twins for them also, on their first try. Dan was just chatting it up, so elated. I think I was silent, except for the obligatory congrats I'm so happy for you. Again, shock?

The entire u/s was very out of body. Once she determined there were 2 (and that hearts were beating), she zoomed in on each one and took measurements. They are currently about the size of a grain of rice:) We got to hear the heartbeat of each one. AMAZING. I'm still amazed that there are two beating hearts in my uterus. I'm still overwhelmed. Will this go away?

The tech searched and searched for the cause of the spotting and could find nothing. She then took us to meet with Dr K, who said "hello family of five." Again, overwhelmed. Woah. I never thought this would be me, be us.

Why am I so shocked? I don't get it. I just don't. I guess because the "good" stuff never happens to me? I'm not a lucky person, generally. I didn't expect this FET to work. Primarily, we did it because i didn't want to pay another annual fee for the storage of the embryos! I knew we would use them eventually, as I have serious issues with the idea of embryo destruction. If anything, we would have donated them to stem cell research, but I know it would have taken me a long time to come to terms with that. Not because they were ours, but because they were potential Sophia siblings.

I feel guilty that I'm not over the moon. I feel guilty for Sophia. I feel like I am stealing something from her (my love and attention). I feel like my wanting to get pregnant again can be taken that she is not enough for me. But she is is. She absolutely is.

Whoever is reading this must think that I have lost my mind. I hope I am not offending anyone, especially those that may still be trying to successfully have their first child. But it's what's going on right now, in my Prozac-less brain.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You have NOT lost your mind! I'm sure that your feelings are totally normal. This is a shock. Sure it's a good shock, but it's still a shock to the system. I promise you, everything will work out. You WILL find the joy in all of this. I am truly so very happy for you guys!! You are not taking anything away from Sophie. You certainly have enough love to go around... and she is gaining siblings - that is very special - a true gift that you are giving to her. Breathe McMommy! It's all going to be just fine.