the hunger is obnoxious

I have NEVER experienced anything like this before. I don't understand, lol! Last night, I got in bed and I realized I was starving. Not the "ohhh, maybe I should get some ice cream or a snack before bed," but outright stomach ROARING. Really? Dan brought me a hard boiled egg, and that curbed the hunger enough. But how could my stomach go from STARVING to satisfied with just one egg?

Today, I had a huge bowl of cereal for breakfast, and at 10:30 I was starving again. I went to Taco Bell, and now (at 3:20) I am starving AGAIN.

I am going to be one of those women rooting through the fridge at 2 in the morning. I always thought the constant eaters during the first tri where the ones that were just using pregancy as an excuse to eat. I am not, I swear. The longer I go without food the sicker I feel. If I eat a big meal, I am hungry an hour later. Where does it go????

Last night, I asked Dan to get me a block of cheddar cheese at the grocery. He asked "for what?" and I had to say, just because I want to eat it! Not a craving really, but it just seems easy for those times that I go from full to starving in a matter of minutes.

horror stories and nosy people...

Dan met a couple with 7 month old twins at the hockey game on Saturday night. He HAD to introduce me, so off we went. I must say these two were cutie-patooties, one each being worn on mom and dad's chest. So sweet. They were originally pregnant with triplets, but the identical twin to the boy didn't make it out of the first trimester.

Enter my first twin horror story...mom said she gave birth at 36w5d, which is SO great. Then, she went on to say that the pregnancy caused her 64 pounds, 3 cracked ribs, HELPP, and the start of liver failure. She was induced the day after they found out about liver failure! There was one other horrible thing that happened to her, but I must have only been able to keep so much of her story in my head, b/c I can't remember it.

Yikes. Nice. Need to hear that!

I was out having lunch with two co-workers today, both of whom are pregnant. One is 18 weeks, the other is 21 weeks. We talked all things pregnancy, and it was fun. One of my co-workers asked to see the dessert tray. The ladies at the table next to us were getting up as the server brought over the tray. The lady at the next table(STRANGER!) looked at me at said "you're having twins, eat whatever dessert you want."

I just looked at her! I mean, I am a nosy nelly, and often quite enjoy listening to other peoples conversations but would NEVER openly admit I was eavesdropping. Seriously???

Sophia fun:)

I'm working on teaching Sophie some basic body parts. This is what she does when you ask her where her nose is:)



Sophie and I met a new friend and her son at the park on Sunday. SHe was more into the leaves than the swings/slides. I love this picture of her, she is just so INTO the leaves:)



My 'lil gansta girl has taken to wearing my baseball caps.

catching up

It's been a while since I posted, but all is going well. I'm just stressed. Let's start with the good stuff though:)

Is it possible to love Sophie more and more each day? I didn't think so. I thought I maxed out on my love for her the day she was born, but she continues to do things that just melt my heart, and seems to make it grow wider every day. She gives me hugs now. LOVE. If I'm holding her, and ask for a hug, she'll just snuggle her little head onto my chest and hold on for dear life:) She attacked me with kisses last night, both (attempted) puckered and open mouth:) It ended with my face covered in slobber but I didn't care. I was playing with her a few nights ago and she was in a mood to pull clothes out of her drawer. She kept hitting me with them as she pulled them out. I said "ow" because a button or something scratched my face. She immediately stopped what she was doing, sat down and put her head in my lap. I guess it was her I'm sorry. She resumes the clothes tossing and hit me again. I said "ow" again, and I got another "apology." :)

Things seem to be progressing in McBaby land as well. Next u/s is on Monday, but I continue to feel sick, so I'm taking reassurance in that. I'm still having a hard time (and the guilt to go with it) of processing what is happening.

I'm contemplating starting Sophie in day care 2 days a week, starting this summer. She REALLY needs to get out and socialize more. She's at the point where she identifies kids/babies and knows they are "like" her. I want to get the daycare started before babies arrive, so I'm thinking July-ish. I feel guilt about this too, but honestly, I had planned to get her in daycare around the 2 year mark anyway, so this is just starting a bit earlier.

We had 5 condo showings in 3 days, with no takers. I'm not upset, as all but one of the feedbacks we received was good, but time is ticking. I just wish we could move and get settled sooner rather than later.

The house we LOVED is now sold:( Dan and I are arguing over where to look. He's resistant to looking anywhere except one particular area, but with twins on the way, we now want/need more house for less money. Something is going to have to give.

I hope it's not my sanity.

Meet McBabies #2 and #3

The u/s pictures were really not that great, and this pic of a pic is even less great. The tech (and she's fantastic) had a really hard time getting pics of them, especially one with both in the same shot. ALthough the uterus is so small at this point, about the size of my fist I think(??), they are camped out on opposite sides, getting some alone time before they are reduced to a studio size apartment;)

BUT...here they are...McBaby #2 and McBaby #3



Mentally, I'm doing better today. I think. Thanks so much for all the nice e-mails, they are greatly appreciated:) Physically, I almost puked this morning. I had that stomach is rolling and better get to the bathroom asap. But, it went away. Dr. K gave me a script for Zofran. It definately helps, although doesn't take away all the nauseau.

Dan continues to tell people. He'll say "oh, so and so said this." I then confirm that he told them. I can't be upset about it. It's his news too. And quite honestly, I'd love to shout it from the rooftops, I'm just afraid of something going wrong. Vanishing twins are quite common.

A few more details...

I realize I was pretty to the point again yesterday. I just felt (and still feel) so wound up, I can't relax, my mind is racing and it won't slow down enough for me to catch a thought.

For starters, I stopped taking my Prozac. It's ironic the similarities between my pregnancy with Sophia and this one. I used up the last of my pills just as I found out I was pregnant, and never refilled until after my pp appt. THis time, I think I need to keep taking it. I hate to, but better a less-stressed me than some raging hormonal lunatic. I don't know. I'm definately going to fill it, and at least have it if I need it. I've been about 4 days without it so far, and I can tell the difference.

No more spotting thankfully. I swear, prior to them calling me back yesterday I was pacing the waiting room like a caged animal. I could not sit still. I needed to be active so my body was keeping up with my mind.

Once back in the u/s room, Dan sat down and held SOphie. I had planned on taking my camera to video everything, but once the spotting started, I knew there was no way I was going to video it, if something bad really was going on in there. From him, I heard "Oh my God" and "holy crap." :)

He left the u/s room showing all the staff the pictures. Bragging. He was SO excited. We took the elevator down with another couple that had gotten good news. Twins for them also, on their first try. Dan was just chatting it up, so elated. I think I was silent, except for the obligatory congrats I'm so happy for you. Again, shock?

The entire u/s was very out of body. Once she determined there were 2 (and that hearts were beating), she zoomed in on each one and took measurements. They are currently about the size of a grain of rice:) We got to hear the heartbeat of each one. AMAZING. I'm still amazed that there are two beating hearts in my uterus. I'm still overwhelmed. Will this go away?

The tech searched and searched for the cause of the spotting and could find nothing. She then took us to meet with Dr K, who said "hello family of five." Again, overwhelmed. Woah. I never thought this would be me, be us.

Why am I so shocked? I don't get it. I just don't. I guess because the "good" stuff never happens to me? I'm not a lucky person, generally. I didn't expect this FET to work. Primarily, we did it because i didn't want to pay another annual fee for the storage of the embryos! I knew we would use them eventually, as I have serious issues with the idea of embryo destruction. If anything, we would have donated them to stem cell research, but I know it would have taken me a long time to come to terms with that. Not because they were ours, but because they were potential Sophia siblings.

I feel guilty that I'm not over the moon. I feel guilty for Sophia. I feel like I am stealing something from her (my love and attention). I feel like my wanting to get pregnant again can be taken that she is not enough for me. But she is is. She absolutely is.

Whoever is reading this must think that I have lost my mind. I hope I am not offending anyone, especially those that may still be trying to successfully have their first child. But it's what's going on right now, in my Prozac-less brain.

two

Well...there are indeed two little hearts beating away. HOLY SHIT. I'm sorry, that doesn't seem appropriate, but I'm in complete shock. Really. I mean, how did it take EIGHT embryos to make Sophie, and only three to make TWO more?

My world got rocked about 11 am today. I had an off-campus meeting at 11 am. I ran to the restroom prior, and I was spotting red. I freaked as much as I could, but I was running the meeting so I really had to keep it in check. I kept saying, "it's ok, you'll have an u/s in just a few hours and you can find out what's going on."

We get to Dr. K's office and the u/s tech was running WAY behind. I was PACING the waiting room. Dan and Sophie were with me. I couldn't even tell Dan about the spotting until right before they took us back, because I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. The second we were back in the u/s area I told the tech about the spotting. She asked what my levels were.

I got undressed, I got in the chair. I covered my eyes. I couldn't look. I didn't want to see anything bad. I couldn't get this far and have something bad happen. She finally said that "there are two reasons you might typically spot at this point. One is (and she used the acryonym for the common cause of spotting--generally some little area around the sac that is irritated and two, because there are multiple babies. You are having twins."

I was in shock. First, ecstatic that there was one healthy baby, and then pure SHOCK.

2 sacs, 2 heartbeats (one at 115 and the other at 122), measuring 6w2d. Everything looked perfect. SHe could not find the cause of the spotting.

Dr. K gave me the due date of Oct 9 (40 weeks) and Sept 11 (36 weeks)...I go back end of next week for another u/s and if all looks good she'll release me to my OB.

This is just so surreal. I never expected this to be me. We struggled so long to have one and now we might have THREE?!

I will take pics of the u/s pics and post them tonight:)

Dan keeps saying holy crap. I haven't made it to the excitement phase yet. I need to process.

Open house

In my attempt to keep my mind off of the (hopefully) growing embryo(s) hanging out in my uterus, I thought I could make an update on condo-selling status.

We had our first open house yesterday, and it had alot of interest! Our realtor was surprised,as the last condo open houses she's had have not gone over well. The condo market is not exactly sky high right now. There were several young professionals and young couples that came in, a few that had their realtor with them. Everyone that came through were either renters looking to buy, or students (Med School) moving to the area. That bodes well for us, in that it would eliminate one layer of the waitiing time to get a closing done, since we wouldn't be waiting on them to sell their property. And, most of the renters have leases that are up in the next few months. Our realtor is going to try to get another Open House booked in February!

We were both so excited to hear that our condo had some interest!!!! Deinately motivated us.

In Sophie news, she is walking about 75% now, and crawling the rest of the time. She tried jello and cottage cheese over the weekend-first time for both (and loved them both).

And, in uterus news b/c why WOULDN'T I go there, things seem to be progressing. My sensitivity to smells is simply obnoxious. I can smell Sophie's diaper from across the room, the detergent smell when I drink out of a glass, the frozen meat when I open the freezer.

Ultrasound in 21 hours.

poo-poo...

not in Sophie's diaper, but how I'm feeling.

The symptoms have slammed into me in the last few days. I go from ravenous one minute to ready to hurl the next. No hurling yet, though. I do not remember this from my pregnancy with Sophie. It's just this gross, constantly nauseous feeling. It's always there. Also, I am craving red meat. The more the better. Dan made steak last night, the day before I had roast beef for lunch, and the days before that Dan (at my suggestion), made corned beef. Nothing else sounds good.

I'm tired, going to bed early each night, grateful that Sophie adjusted her own bedtime a few weeks ago so she's usually in bed by 8ish. After that, it's lights out for me.

Ultrasound is Tuesday at 12:40. I asked if that was too early, and she said no, anytime next week is fine. I just checked my blog post from Sophie's first u/s. At that time, I was 6w4d, measuring 6w2d. So, if I am measuring right on this time, my guess is that we should see something similar to what we saw with her. And, I forgot that you can see the heartbeat that early...hers was beating away at 122 bpm:)

8176

is beta number two, at 19dp5dFET (24 dpo). Can I say it again? 8176. Yes, this is what I was looking for in the way of being able to relax. Now, I will relax, for a bit:)

Of course, I checked out betabase. At this point, it's looking on the high end for singeton, and pretty much on track for twins. Holy shit.

I can't tell Dan, b/c Sophie dropped his phone in the toilet this morning and fried it. My only hope is if I can catch him on FB and IM him. Otherwise, he won't know until 5 pm. Probably better that way, lol:)

Now, I'm waiting on the secretary to call me to schedule the u/s for next week. O.M.G.

That's all for today:)

Meet the embryos

Here they are! I had to take a picture of them, since I couldn't get the scanner to work right. You probably need to click on the picture to get a better view.

The one on the right is the "good" one. The one on the bottom is the one that Dr. K said she could see the placenta forming (around the 11 to 1 o'clock range). In the two that were not so great, you can see the necrotic cells, they look pitted.



So, which one(s) stuck? Tomorrow is beta #2. I swear, this 6 day wait has been much harder than the 12 day wait to get the first beta. At least then I could appease myself with home tests. Now, if I were to take a test of course it would be positive, b/c my beta is so high, but it's not necessarily indicative of a healthy pregnancy.

If my math is right, beta needs to come back tomorrow at least 4000. This would be a doubling time of 36 hours. On the higher end, 48 hour doubling time, it would be closer to the 8000 range. All I ask is for a solid doubling, plus some. I don't want to have to worry for the next week that "yes it doubled, but it's low." I want a solid doubling, giving me no reason to think that things aren't going as they should.

The weekend was tough. I wasn't feeling much, except more sleepy. But, we got in the car to head to a Superbowl party and I started getting car sick. I had this symptom with Sophie also, so that was reassuring. Otherwise, still not much of anything. Nausea that comes and goes, no boob pain whatsoever. Yesterday, I was sitting in a meeting and had this single instance of a streak of pain across my abdomen. Not sure what that was? The dull achy crampy feeling continues to be on and off as well. The bloat is ridiculous. Now, at the start of the day my size 10's are tight. I don't remember the bloating starting so early last time?!

Tick tock, tick tock. The call should come tommorrow between 1 and 4. Lord help me until then.

14 months

It seems like I've been overlooking Sophie updates since the FET. Saturday, she was 14 months old! Here are the unofficial stats.

1) 8 teeth (front 4 top and bottom), with 3 molars on the way
2) She knows that keys, coats and shoes mean "bye-bye."
3) Typical breakfast: whole grain toast, turkey sausage and fruit
4) still mostly babbling, but I *think* she knows that I am mama.
5) She's been rocking the whale spout, since I'm trying to grow her bangs out. She refuses to keep a barrette in her hair.
6) 12-18 month clothes
7) Intrigued by everything she finds in my bathroom.
8) Water and milk only, we haven't ventured into juice land yet. Dan swears she isn't getting soda until she's 10:)
9) Recognizes babies and little kids.
10) Gives kisses, open mouthed and puckered:)
11) Still loves wooden puzzles, especially holding the pieces up to her ear like a phone, and smacking two pieces together.
12) She has the best giggle I have EVER heard. It makes my tear up from hapiness.
13) She's walking more and more, and can walk down the length of our hallway easily without falling.
14) She knows that shoes and socks go on feet, but she hasn't exactly figured out how to put them on.
15) When I ask where her nose is, she sticks her finger in her nostril! Is starting to identify eyes and ears, also.

When we say "scrinkle" this is what she does:)




My big girl:)

almost completely happy:)

First of all, thanks to all of you who sent e-mails, texts, blog comments and cryptic facebook messages:) It's so nice to know we have such a bunch of caring friends, family (and strangers!!!) on our side:)

I realize that my post yesterday was very "to the point." I got a great beta, and Sophie got a great report from her Ortho.

A little more about yesterday. I waited not so patiently for the phone to ring, which of course it didn't. I left work to get Sophie and Dan and we were off to her Ortho appt. As her name was being called in to see the dr, they called. Go figure. The reception in the hospital was horrible. I heard 1004, I said holy cannoli, and then we started to schedule the next appt. Lost call. I tried to call right back with no luck.

I went in to find Dan and Sophie and they were already sitting in the x-ray waiting area. I told Dan my number. He said "what does that mean?" I told him that Sophie's number on the exact same dpo was 147. This one was 1004. He said "there are two." I said we don't know that, but we know that it's a good number. I'm sure he was realing, lol. He then said "we're not buying more EPTs":)

We got back to x-ray and they handed Dan the lead vest. I asked if I could be in there if I was pregnant and they said NO. They weren't even going to ask! So, I stepped out, and Sophie was a trooper getting her x-ray done. Dr. K came in later, looked at the x-ray, gave her an exam and said that all looked great. By 12 months, they like to see the hip/socket at a 30% angle, and hers is currently at 28%, so not perfect but good enough.

After her appt, we grabbed a bite to eat in the cafeteria. I called Dr. K's office back. We confirmed a 2nd blood test next Wed. If that looks good, u/s would be the following week, at about 6 1/2 weeks. Currently, I'm not even 5 weeks. It seems pathetic...and a long road. But, I'm feeling good about all of it. Yes, things can happen. Yes, I've had a m/c. But, I don't have a hx of recurrent m/c, my beta was great, I'm feeling a bit crappy, so I can only hope for the best.

I'm bloated. My size 10 jeans are snug. I know it's bloat and not bump (obviously), but it's not comfy. I felt some weird sharp tugs in my lower right this morning. Good tugs, I hope. Something is definately going on down there. I feel full, constantly, but yet my stomach growls. Nothing sounds good.

Have I been obsessively googling single vs twins? Yes. Do I know anything more than before I started googling? No. Have a been googling symptoms that are "on and then off?" Yes. What have I found? It's normal. lol.

Today, I am pregnant. That is my mantra:)

1004

They finally called with beta number, as we were walking into Sophie's Dr appt.

1004.

I said "holy cannoli!" She said it's a good, strong number, but gave no indication that it might be twins. I know that beta numbers are not indicative at ALL of how many are growing in there, but it's still much higher than I expected.

According to betabase, it could go either way, singleton or twins.

What I love is that it's a great number, and I don't have to worry about a little one not being so strong. I feel confident (for now) that all is well. Dan told me he's not buying anymore EPTs:)

But the REALLY good news of the day is that SOphie's little hips look great. She hasn't been since she was 7 months. Dr. K wanted to see her after she started to walk. They took an x-ray, for which I couldn't be in the room b/c I am PREGNANT, and her hips are right where they need them to be. She will go back just before she turns three.

OMG, well that is great news all around. Fantastic beta for me and fantastic hip report for Sophia. It's a good day:)

beta has been drawn...

and now I wait, lol. t minus 7 hours or so.

I told the blood draw lady that I'd gotten 3 positive tests. SHe looked at me and said "well, then you are pregnant." I told her that I won't believe it until I hear it from the office. I'm mentally preparing myself for "You're pregnant, but the number is lower than we'd like."

This day is going to drag!!! Sophie has an appt at 2:30 with her pedi ortho to check on her dsyplasia. I gave Dr. K's office strict instructions to call on my cell between 1:45 and 4, but of course I probably won't get reception.

Long, long day. here we go........

crying...

I had a crying spell this morning. Dan's fault. He made me cry. I cannot remember the last time I cried, which, considering the meds I've been on, it's really surprising. I felt myself starting to pucker up this morning and let the waterworks start, and thought "oh, this is good, lol." I then started sobbing. I'm going to hope the increase in emotions is a good sign. Also a bit crampy today.

By the way, I peed on another stick yesterday morning and it was still positive. Since they put off my beta until TOMORROW, I made Dan buy me another pack of tests. He asked "why, you've already gotten two positives." I said, "trust me, if you want to be stuck in this condo with me for the next two days, I need some reassurance." He complied:)

Ok, so this time tomorrow I should be getting the call. Fingers, toes, legs, everything is crossed!!!!!!