I'm calling it.

I started spotting yesterday, and there is more today. IUI #7 is going down in the history books as a Big Fat Fucking Negative. I'm just at a loss. Not because I expected it to work (if you ask my friends, they will all say I had no hope at all), but...what now?? Apparently Dr. K's idea of my issue being endo is a blown theory.

I left a message for Dr. K's secretary to have my nurse call me back. I stuttered almost completely through the whole damn message. When I finally said "it appears our insemination has failed" it was all I could do to keep from crying.

As always, it's now time for my period to show itself so I can begin to move forward again. Last cycle didn't disappoint, as I started a few days after starting to spot. Let's hope it's the same this time. I hope to talk to my nurse today about getting on the books for IVF #2, assuming I don't have to wait a cycle. I don't think I will. I hope I won't. I'm ready now. I've been ready for too fucking long.

To add to this misery, is my behavior on Saturday night. We had friends over, and I was really looking forward to it. I had a drink, I had 2...decided I didn't want to keep drinking. Nothing sounded good. We were hanging out, but I just wasn't feeling it. I felt horrible. I looked around and saw everyone else having fun, and I just wasn't. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be under the covers with no one to bother me. I made a horrible spectacle of myself. The worst thing is, I really can't attribute it to anything specific (although now maybe PMS). Nothing "set me off." I was in a great mood to start. Then boom. Fuck fuck fuck these hormones. It has to be that. I'm tired of them ruling my world. I'm sick to death of it all. I feel like crying right now.

I suppose maybe I should start taking my Prozac again, huh? I've been without it for a few weeks now. No particular reason. It's not like I'm avoiding it. I guess I thought I could deal on my own? Apparently not.