Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm calling it.

I started spotting yesterday, and there is more today. IUI #7 is going down in the history books as a Big Fat Fucking Negative. I'm just at a loss. Not because I expected it to work (if you ask my friends, they will all say I had no hope at all), but...what now?? Apparently Dr. K's idea of my issue being endo is a blown theory.

I left a message for Dr. K's secretary to have my nurse call me back. I stuttered almost completely through the whole damn message. When I finally said "it appears our insemination has failed" it was all I could do to keep from crying.

As always, it's now time for my period to show itself so I can begin to move forward again. Last cycle didn't disappoint, as I started a few days after starting to spot. Let's hope it's the same this time. I hope to talk to my nurse today about getting on the books for IVF #2, assuming I don't have to wait a cycle. I don't think I will. I hope I won't. I'm ready now. I've been ready for too fucking long.

To add to this misery, is my behavior on Saturday night. We had friends over, and I was really looking forward to it. I had a drink, I had 2...decided I didn't want to keep drinking. Nothing sounded good. We were hanging out, but I just wasn't feeling it. I felt horrible. I looked around and saw everyone else having fun, and I just wasn't. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be under the covers with no one to bother me. I made a horrible spectacle of myself. The worst thing is, I really can't attribute it to anything specific (although now maybe PMS). Nothing "set me off." I was in a great mood to start. Then boom. Fuck fuck fuck these hormones. It has to be that. I'm tired of them ruling my world. I'm sick to death of it all. I feel like crying right now.

I suppose maybe I should start taking my Prozac again, huh? I've been without it for a few weeks now. No particular reason. It's not like I'm avoiding it. I guess I thought I could deal on my own? Apparently not.


Stacy said...

I'm sorry, Stacey. This whole IF thing really, really sucks. Hope you can move onto IVF #2 next cycle.

t.bird said...

i'm so sorry :(

andrea said...

((HUGS)) I had a lot of hope for this cycle- I had a lot of hope the Lap would do it for you. And maybe it did, and now it's just an odds game (in a perfect world, you can get pg 20% of time any give month). At the same time you have to hedge your bets and move on.

Please don't beat yourself up too bad. You've had a lot of stress and grief without much of a break. Nevermind the hormones of an IUI cycle. Sh*t is bound to happen! I can totally see myself doing that (and have).

Please take care. I'm praying for you during your next cycle - no matter how you proceed.

Our Story said...

I am sorry. :(
Don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through the wringer.
Thinking of you...
Kelly ( Smilee)

Sara said...

One disappointment after another, you haven't caught a break yet, and you're worried about having a meltdown in front of good friends!?

I wasn't offended AT ALL!!!

Stacey... you're a very strong person, too strong at times, which is why I welcome the tears even if it's on a night that was meant for good times.

So sorry!!! But I still have hope!