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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Strength

First of all, I'm still in a funk. I cannot shake this. Before I go into that though, I wanted to post a little saying that has been getting me through. I've been repeating it like a mantra:-) Stephanie sent it to me as flair on Facebook, but I can't seem to copy the button here. She sent it a few weeks ago, and it's been really important to me (thanks Steph!). It sums up my feelings very well. I will get through this, I HAVE to get through this.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Now...on to my continued funk and blah-ness. I slept almost all night last night, meaning from 6 pm on. Dan said "wow you were really sleeping!" My head was pounding like a drum after my last meeting, but I made it to the end of the day and went home and crashed. My E2 should be bottoming out tomorrow, so I'm sure that's what it is, but depression on top of a migraine that won't go away is oh so fun.

I talked to my nurse this morning to be sure it's ok to take Tynelol. I took 6 extra strength ones yesterday and she said it was fine. At this point, I can also take some Motrin. Once I start stimming though, it's back to Tylenol only. She also asked if I have a history of migraines (yes), so apparently that makes it worse too. Lovely. Thanks grandma for passing that on to me:-) I also found out that even if my supression check goes well tomorrow, I have to continue at the same 20 IUs of Lupron I've been taking. That won't decrease until Friday, when I add Follistim to the protocol. This means that I can expect the headache to hang around for a few more days.

So that's my life. Headaches, hot flashes and being on the verge of tears. Sounds great huh?! What am I going to do if this doesn't work? Seriously. I don't know how much more I have in me. I know once the hormone level adjusts I'll be feeling more normal, but what will I do if this fails too? I can't go there...but I can't NOT go there.

I feel like I'm a roulette marble that chooses red, while everyone's money is on black. Does that make sense? I just don't think I'm ever going to win at this. Win = a live "take-home" baby.

6 comments:

Jen Wargo said...

It makes total sense and I'm sorry you're feeling that way.I feel the say way right now. I love the quote though, and I just hope we have the strength to remember that! GL, I hope 2009 is our year!

Bluebird said...

Thanks for sharing the quote. I love it.

Amanda said...

Great quote, I never heard that but those are words that I can live by. I know how you are feeling. I am an emotional wreck. I don't even remember who I used to be. I cried watching the Academy Awards the other day. I am a mess so I can relate. I think about giving up too but know I won't. I can't. I have come this far and so have you. I hope that you get your bfp ASAP!!!

Andrea said...

Ugh, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Lupron is kicking my ass and I feel like all I want to do is yell at people:) Hang in there, it will be worth it!

wvagirl said...

I know the next few weeks are going to be really hard. Hang in there girl. We are all here pulling for you!

Alison said...

GREAT quote! Thanks for passing it on. I know EXACTLY what you are going through - I have migraines and the depression gets worse with the migraines. It's a vicious cycle and with these meds . . . urgh, it's an endless battle. It'll all be worth it when we have our babies in our arms. I'm praying for you! Hang it there, you're not alone.