Friday, February 13, 2009

Optimism is hard...

but it is what I'm striving for. (Yes, I know not to end a sentence with a preposition, but it's my blog so I can do what I want:-))

My optimistic thought of the day: I now know (congrats Stacy!!!!!) 3 women who have had successful IVF cyles from my RE clinic in the past 1.5 years. Obviously, there are many more who were successful...but I don't "know" them. To me, this is a good track record. Am I jealous? No, not really. Do I wish it were easier for me? Sure do. But the fact that I know my RE has success is enough to keep me going for the next few weeks. Apparently I am just her problem child.

I didn't sleep well last night and was really restless with IF stuff on my mind. These thoughts just kept ruminating through my mind and I could not relax.

1) I hate that I look at a women's stomach before I look her in the eye.

2) I hate that if there's a bump, it's even harder for me to look her in the eye.

3) I hate that Dan looks for bumps too.

4) I hate that Dan points out those bumps to me. Duh, dumb ass...if you saw it, don't you think I've already seen it?

5) I hate that he complains he's the only guy in his group of "friends" on Facebook without kids.

6) I hate that I am afraid to pick up the phone/check certain e-mails b/c I'm afraid someone is going to tell me they are pregnant.

7) I hate the fact that I will look up a due date, based on my ER.

8) I hate the fact that if IVF #2 doesn't work, that due date will be stuck in my head forever.

9) I hate the fact that my due date from IVF #1 is coming up faster than I would like.

10) I hate the fact that I have alcohol swabs and syringes in my bathroom on a regular basis.

11) I hate the fact that I'm afraid the only time I'll sit in the u/s chair is for a follicle check.

12) I hate the fact that I have to avoid the baby department at Target.

13) I hate the fact that I have depleted our savings and begged for money from parents b/c sex just won't do the trick.

14) I hate the fact that my sister is scared she'll have IF, just b/c I do.

15) I hate the fact that I'm paranoid my sister will have IF, because I do.

16) I hate the fact that people have to walk on egg shells in front of me.

17) I hate that I pray for twins, just so we won't have to do this again.

Well that's only 17. Maybe I'll be back later with more.


Stacy said...

I wish it was easier for you too. Optimism is sometimes hard, but it is always good to have around (easier said than done many times). I am sending so many good thoughts and prayers your way for IVF #2. (((BIG HUGS)))

Bluebird said...

Ugh, I relate to so many of these. The ones about your sister really stuck out to me. My sister has been such a support and won't admit to me that she's scared - but how could she not be. She's getting married in a few months and I'm afraid for her fiance too. I just hope she can maybe learn from what we've gone through. . . oh I hate this all.

Kristin said...

So many of these are relatable... and I hate that a list like that even exists. Hang in there.