The end of caffeine

I'm sitting here with my last 18 oz or so of Mountain Dew. I am giving up caffeine. Hopefully for 9 months or so, but at the very least until I get my beta. I love caffeine. I am not a coffee drinker, so mine comes in the form of that sweet, sweet, Mountain Dew:o) I went to the grocery last night and bought 2 liters of caffeine free diet coke. I actually like it, I just like Mtn Dew more.

I've been focused on being healthier and this is the next step.

Also of interest to any Estrace users. I think I have found another positive side effect. It seems to be acting as an appetite suppresent. I love to eat, love.to.eat. All of my friends can vouch for that. For the past several days, food is 1) the last thing on my mind, and 2) when I eat I get full much faster than in the past. Additionally, I actually STOP eating when I'm full. I can only attribute it to Estrace.

I've also lost 1.5 pounds since I've been on it. I gained almost 20 pounds during my IVF cycle in May. Yes, 20 pounds. 9 came off right away, and I've been struggling with the last 11 pounds. Since starting the Estrace, it's started to come off. Crazy! But I'll take it.

That's my news for the day.

14 days until FET, but who's counting???!!!

One of my therapies

I love to sew! I started in high school, well jr high probably, and then it fell by the wayside. I picked it up again about a year ago. My favorite thing to make (thanks to my friend Sara:o)) are quilts! Spring 07 I made my parents a quilt for their 35th wedding anniversary. They loved it so much, I made a few for Christmas presents last year. I haven't actually made one for myself yet...maybe I need to add that to the list. And yes, I have a list of quilts I want to make for special people in my life:o) Also on my to-do list is to make some smaller quilts to donate to a local NICU.

I swear I am the youngest person in the fabric store but that is OK.

It is very therapeutic for me. It's not completely mindless work, but it's involved enough so that my obsessive thoughts (IF and otherwise) have to be turned down for a while. They are still there...but are managable. I've tossed around going to an IF therapist, but not sure that it would be helpful for me. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but I don't know what more I'd get out of it than someone just actually listening to me. I have plenty of people who do that, without me paying them!

This is the one I made for my parents anniversary.

I made this one for my grandparents. It is probably my favorite (colors, design, etc), plus my grandparents cried when they saw it. The pictures date back to before they were married. (Same with my parents quilt above.)

My friend Jeni, who I met on the Nest, and have since become friends with in real life recently had twin girls!!!!! Below are the quilts I made for Olivia and Sydney:o)

a party for babies???

I had a staff meeting today. It was brought to my attention that since Jan 2008, 7 babies have been born to women in my department. Well, I take that back, one was through adoption, so 6 woman have actually given birth. But anyway, it was then suggested that we have a get-together for all the babies to celebrate. What? Seriously? I think I might be sick that day. When the whole discussion started of course, I was paranoid everyone would look at me as if to say "you're next". I was ready with the comeback of "I'm sure my infertilty dr would love that too." Didn't get to use it though.

Estrace makes me frisky...hehehe

OK...so...I usually get the crappy side effects of meds (weight gain, headache, nauseau, etc). The weight gain is still to be determined, but I'm the lucky winner of "increased libido." How fun is that?!?! Seriously, it's insane. I can't say it's all I think about, but let's just say after all the years/frustration of baby making sex and the subsequent disinterest in the whole thing (like being the LAST thing I cared about), this is definately progress. Poor Dan. He didn't know what hit him:o)

I have to say this whole FET cycle is anticlimatic. Just seems that all I'm doing is taking pills (6 a day!), and that there isn't an end in sight. At least with u/s and b/w, I would constantly be given an update on what is going on with my body. I want/need to know that my lining is thickening and on it's way to becoming a nice welcoming environment for the Stancey's.

Estrace is icky.

That's my big news for the day. It's this teeny little blue pill that looks very simple to take. However, it starts disolving the second it hits my tongue. I have always hated taking pills, most people 0ut grow that as they grow up but not me. Two nights ago it got caught on the roof of my mouth. YUCK. I guess it's better than an injection, but still...I don't like it. AND, it is so hard to remember to take my lunchtime dose. I bring it to work, along with my pre-natal since I can't take that with the antiobiotic in the AM, and the afternoon is usually 1/2 over before I remember to take them. It's not a big deal, just frustrating.

Three weeks from today is the FET!!!!

It's officially a FET cycle!!!

I got my treatment plan yesterday, on what was my cd1. I started Estrace and doxy yesterday. I seriously need to set my alarm to remember to take this stuff. Estrace I take 3 x a day; doxy 2 x a day. Also a prenatal vitamin. However, the warning on the Doxy bottle says don't take within 2 hours of meds containing calcium or iron, so now I guess i have to take the prenatal at lunchtime with the Estrace. At least they gave me a calendar so I can just check off after I take each one.

My Medrol and PIO should arrive today from IVPCare. Can't wait to pull those 2 inch needles out of the box:-(

I will go in for an u/s and b/w on Sept 5 to monitor my lining and progesterone. If all looks good, meaning my lining is nice and thick and p4 is low, I will start the PIO shots on Sept 7, with the FET on Sept 12. Yes, I know I've already said that, but I'm excited that I have an official date, even if it is 2 weeks after the original plan. 23 days from now those embryos will be getting ready to go back home:-)))

I know the odds of all 3 making it through the thawing process are not good...but a girl can hope can't she?

Oh, and I paid our $660 deposit yesterday. The rest is due date of FET. It doesn't seem so harsh that way.

FET is put off ANOTHER week.

I cannot deal with this! I called RE nurse today to let her know I was a week late starting AF, and so she could re-schedule me. I went from FET on 8/29 to FET on 9/12. This sucks! Because AF is a week late, it's putting me off 2 MORE weeks. Apparently I have to be on Estrace for at least 12 days. She said RE may bring me in on 8/29 for an u/s to monitor my lining, but she's almost positive I won't get that u/s until 9/5, with PIO starting on 9/7 and FET on 9/12.

I want to do it NOW. I want those embryos back in there YESTERDAY:-(

I also have to make the $3000 call to the financial lady. Woohoo. Yippee. Can't wait to do that. It is so not fair that I have to PAY to have a baby. I think I should get into the crackwhore/streetcorner industry and I'd be knocked up like that. BLAH

got a BFN yesterday

I tested yesterday morning and got a BFN. I managed to find 2 tests under the bathroom sink, one that had lines and the digital pregnant/not pregnant kind. Since I was almost positive the test wouldn't be positive, I opted for the line test. I can't tell you how horrible seeing the digital NOT pregnant is. I'll save that for after a positive beta:-) It was expected really, so I wasn't upset. More mad than anything that this was my longest cycle EVER, and put off the FET for another week. I've been spotting a bit, but not enough to call it a period. If AF doesn't show by Wed, it will put us off ANOTHER week. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, so I know that there is a reason why our FET won't be done on Aug 29. What's another week really? Plus, it's an extra week I won't have to think about coming up with the 3k.

I'll pick up my Estrace tonight at the pharmacy and start that on CD1. I think I take it 3 x a day. Yuck. And I heard that it causes weight gain. Great. Just what I need. My PIO and other meds will be delivered on Wed...so let's get this show on the road! i can't tell you how much I am looking forward to those big ass needles going into my booty. Seriously, I'll do whatever it takes.

This has got to work. It HAS to work. If it doesn't, I don't know if we can afford another fresh IVF cycle. If so, it would be at least February, after we get our tax money, and that will only pay for a portion. My MIL asked us last week when our next "baby making" time was. I'm a teeny bit hopeful that she might loan us more money if it came to that, but GOD I do not want to have to ask. I came as close to an anxiety attack as I ever have the night we had to ask her for the money for the first IVF.

Thoughts and prayers for a friend please

For those of you who aren't familiar with the Nest, it's an online community full of supportive, helpful, and caring women who have/had trouble trying to conceive. I'm had the luck to meet 3 of these ladies in person, and to become friends with them. This post is about my friend Amy (aka Snugglepoops on the Nest). Her husband Matt was diagnosed a few months ago with brain cancer. They are both 30 years old, and expecting their first baby after going through IVF. He was in the hospital for several weeks before they could determine a diagnosis. The cancer is in an area of his brain where they can't operate so they are treating him with chemo and radiation.

They have to stay with Matt's parents because Amy, being almost 6 months pregnant, can't take care of him on her own. She sent me a text last night and asked for thoughts and prayers since he is not out of the woods. If you pray, please pray. If you don't, please send some positive thoughts their way. This should be such a happy time for them, and it just isn't.

Amy, hope you don't mind I am blogging about this. I thought the more thoughts/prayers sent your way...the better. I'm always thinking about you!

Still no period

Hmmm. It's Friday afternoon, and no hint of spotting. I guess the pessimistic side of me is thinking my LP is just extra long b/c of Clomid, but it never has been before. I still don't really expect to get lucky, so I'm just biding my time, getting anxious every time I go to the bathroom. Fun stuff for sure. If I haven't started by Monday, I will test. That will be a long enough wait, and if I were to be pregnant, it should for sure show up + by then. If not, I'll call my RE nurse and see if she can give me some meds to kick start AF. So for now...I just wait.

I plan on staying busy this weekend. I have a quilt to finish for a wedding in Sept. I don't except to finish it all, but should get a good head start.

I may post some pics on here too, to make it a little more interesting. So much good news on the Nest today. While I am thrilled for everyone, I can't help but wonder when it's going to happen for me. I have waited long enough. I told a co-worker about my IVF today. I wasn't going to, but it just came out. She's pregnant and due next week!!! She had so many questions, and was so supportive. I showed her the pic of our transferred embies. I'll try to upload the pic here. Just think...3 more of those little guys (or girls!) are waiting patiently right now:-)

AF is MIA...

Not sure what to make of this. I'm really trying not let my thoughts go "there." Here's the deal. I took Clomid this cycle (RE said that we had such good IVF fert rates, then why not). I won't go into details but I'm not sure when I O'd. Based on my very regular cycles, I expected AF this past Tuesday. No show. Guessing when I *might* have O'd, I expect her tomorrow. But, I ALWAYS spot pre-AF, it's just what I do. And so far, at 4 pm today...no spotting.

What's really pissing me off is that if I am just "late" (which I have never been on Clomid), this is pushing my FET back to Sept 5. RE only does FET's on Fridays. So that sucks. I want those Stancey embryos back in me ASAP. I think about them all the time these days. Just sitting there in the freezer...waiting to be warmed up:-)

Guess I'm just going to hang out and wait. And trust me, I am analyzing the TP!!! If I haven't started by Monday I will take a test. I don't have the luck for this to actually happen for me this way. But a girl can hope!

job interviews!!

I work for a university, which has always been great. The two bad things are 1) when you work for grants as I do, there is a certain about of job insecurity every few years as money runs out of grants, and 2) my university chooses not to cover any IF related expenses.

The grant that I work on is coming to an end, and I am on the job hunt, wanting to stay within the university system. I had an interview on Friday which went really well. It would be a lot more responsibility than the project coordination I do now. Which would probably mean a raise! As of this morning, they had already checked a reference, so I guess they liked me:-) I had another interview today with another team that didn't impress me too much. It would be alot of what I'm doing now, but I *think* I am ready to grow and expand my skills to the next level. In any event, job hunting sucks. I hate that nervous feeling before an interview.

In IF related news, I just ordered my FET meds! Two will be coming from a local pharmacy, and the others from IVPCare. The lady asked if I'd had any s/e from the PIO before, and I said nope, only a bruised butt. She laughed and said she understood...but I doubt it.

I'm just waiting for AF now. She could be here tomorrow but I've had NO spotting, and have a hx of spotting at least 5 days before she shows. I did acu prior to my IVF cycle and although it didn't help with my BFP, I think it may have helped with the spotting issue.

Of course I have a tiny inkling of hope that the Clomid combined with our "relax and see what happens" vacation may have done the trick.

My first post!!

How exciting to be entering the blog world! Although, I have to admit that it seems a bit odd, and a bit ego-centric to be so self focused, thinking that someone else actually cares about my piddly life and struggles. My goal in all of this it to use it as an outlet for my emotions, and hopefully in the process bits of pieces of what I say, do, or have done will connect with someone else and let them know they aren't alone.

I will focus mainly on my issue of infertility. Other obsessions of mine include lots of reading, making quilts, and my sweet dog Sierra:-) So you may hear a bit about those things too.

First, my infertility story. My husband Dan and I have been ttc for over 3 years. I have honestly forgotten the month we started, but it's been a.long.freaking.time. We tried on our own for about a year with no luck. At that point, my GYN gave me Clomid. Suprise of all suprises, I got a BFP with my first round! I thought it was my miracle drug. But as quickly as it happened, it was over, and we were told (on Dan's birthday no less) that it would result in an early miscarriage. I haven't seen a BFP since then. I've been through EIGHT more rounds of the devil drug Clomid. I began seeing an RE halfway through my Clomid treatment, and began IUI's. We had 2 of those with Clomid. No luck. At that point we moved on to injectible drugs, Follistim and Gonal-F. We did 3-4 cycles of those, all but one with IUI. No luck. Did I mention that Follistim and Gonal-F are given with a needle in the belly? Yep. Lots of needles.

In May, we moved on to our first fresh IVF cycle. This was after much debate, as my insurance does not cover any aspect of IVF (or most of the other IF stuff either). We borrowed $5k from MIL, my parents gave us $5k, and we took the rest from our savings. I knew I wasn't ready to stop trying, and once I finally came to terms with the financial aspect I was ready. Dan had already conceded that we were going to do it (he knows me too well), and just let me lead the way with the IVF cycle. I responded to the meds fabulously. Again, lots of shots, sometimes 2 a day. They retrieved 15 eggs, 14 were mature (meaning capable of being fertilized), and 10 fertilized. We transfered 2 blastocysts in a 5 day transfer and I (not so) patiently began the 2ww. My RE's protocol is to not do a beta until 14dpt. That's a long time! I started PIO, injected into my butt by Dan. That was fun. What a romantic nightly ritual. About 9 dpt I started spotting. My beta fell on a Monday. I called on Thursday and begged the RE to do a beta on Friday, to put me out of my misery. She complied, and Friday I got the negative pregnancy results. $12k down the drain. And nothing to show for it but an ass full of bruises from the PIO shots.

The only good thing to come out of our failed cycle was 3 frozen blasts, which brings us to now. I will begin my frozen transfer cycle (FET) as soon as AF shows. According to the calendar that should be Tuesday, but according to when I think I O'd last, she might not show until Friday. I cannot wait to get those embryos back inside where they belong. They are all frozen together, so they will attempt to thaw all 3. If all 3 thaw, all 3 will be transfered. My RE office has about a 70% thaw rate, so I'm prepared for only 2 of the 3 to thaw.