cows milk, straight up

Well, one of my worries has been swept off the table. This weekend, I gave Sophie a bottle with cow's milk only. I was really afraid she was not going to drink it, but she sucked it down:)

This week starts my cutting out the pre-work nursing session. My boobs were already full when I left for work, lol, and right now they feel like rocks:) I don't think I can hold out much longer!! I gave her a bottle this morning, which I thought she might resist, but surprisingly she is fine with it. Then, just to give myself a little relief, i let her nurse for one minute on one side and then stopped her.

Her b-day party planning is about done. I ordered the cake today, and we just have a few little things left on the list. I cannot believe she is going to be one.

In honor of the holidays...

being thankful

I just got news that a pregnant co-worker lost her baby at 5 months, this past weekend. It hit me really hard, and I didn't even know her very well. She was showing, and SO excited to be pregnant:(

It just puts it into perspective for me how much of a miracle it really is to get, and stay pregnant. When I heard the news, I immediately went into questioning mode. She was here and worked late on Friday. At that time, she was still happily pregnant. But, something happened this weekend. What was it? Bleeding, contractions, what? Did she have an u/s on Saturday that told the bad news? She should have been feeling movement by this time. Did she go for awhile not feeling movement, and so went to the ER to get checked out? I hate that I am obsessing over this. I went back in my mind to our 20 week appt, when we found out that Sophie was a girl. What would have happened, how would our lives be different, if she had lost her heartbeat and we had found out that day?

How long would it have taken to get over it? WOuld we have tried again? COULD I have tried again?

I realize these are ridiculous questions, and most definately not a path I should travel down mentally for very long.

My heart goes out to A, and her family.

weaning, sleeping and bathtime oh my!

Weaning is...going, I guess. The first week of not pumping was successful. However, sitting at work on Friday, I realized we don't have enough frozen breastmilk to make it to the one year mark. I called the pedi nurse and got the ok to start mixing cows milk in with the breastmilk, which we started on Sunday. It didn't go so well, but that could also be because it was the first bottle I've given to her in months. She was less than thrilled, lol, and only ate about 50% of it. Which of course upset me, b/c there went 4 oz of breastmilk down the drain:(

I was planning on giving it until Thursday to cut another session. BUT, this morning I fed her at 5 am so decided to go with it, and not feed her again before I left for work. It was SUCH the decision for me. I kept going back and forth, but ultimately decided to leave without feeding her. BTW, thanks to lots of advice, I opted to make the next session to be cut out the before work feeding, as opposed to the before bed feeding. Often, I feel like I force her to eat in the morning. Not really force, b/c she doesn't complain, but she also can take it or leave it. So, this morning we left it. It was hard for me to not have that time with her before work though:( dislike.

Sleeping...is also going. Friday night she woke me up crying in her crib. I was in the DEEPEST sleep and honestly thought it was 4 or 5 in the morning. I thought "wow, she did really well" and went to get her, only to look at the clock in her room and see that it was only 11:50. But, I was in her room already, and there was no going back, so into our bed she went. Saturday night was better. Last night, she cried alot, but I hung in and she finally slept until 5 am:(

Bathtime...has taken an upturn. For the past 6 weeks or so, it's been like pulling teeth to put her in the bath. She was so resistant that I finally started trying to bathe her in the kitchen sink, because at least then I could stand and be more comfortable while trying to fight her tantrum. Finally, last week, I got in the tub with her. She was very cautious, but she sat on my lap and we played and we splashed and she *almost* had fun. Since then, I've found her several times just hanging out, looking in the tub. Last night, I opted to give her a bath, even though she didn't need one, just to keep her interested (and happy) with bathtime. So, it looks as if we've beat this issue:)

crying it out...

To update about weaning...so far, cutting out this first session has been ok. 2 days ago, I went 12 hours though, and that was a bit rough on the girls, but I made it home and Sophia was able to give me some relief, lol.

I need to talk about about her overnight sleeping. Up until my sisters wedding about 6 weeks ago, we were totally in the groove. I'd successfully moved her bedtime to 9ish (from 10ish), and it was working well for us. Then, we spent 2 days in a hotel, with lots of new hands holding her, and it all went to hell. Since then, she sleeps in bed with us more often than she doesn't. I've finally gotten to the point that I let her fall asleep in our bed, and then (attempt to) move her to her crib. This typically results in her screaming about 5 minutes after I put her down, to which I respond by picking her up again and putting her back in our bed. We do this cycle 2-3times before I give up and just let her sleep in our bed.

I KNOW it's just about comfort. Seriously, once I pick her up and she knows she's on the way back to our bed, she's asleep before her head hits the bed.

I do LOVE her to sleep next to me, but this also feeds into comfort nursing in the middle of the night. Lately, she has wanted to nurse up to 3 times each night. It's fine, BUT, I know she's not hungry, and quite honestly it is tiring. Not her actual nursing, but waking up, falling asleep, same thing 2 hours later. Each night, I tell myself this has got to stop. THis is NOT going to be good for weaning.

So last night, I laid down the law. When I got home I told Dan "I'm going to let Sophie cry tonight. I don't know how long I will last, but I need you to be supportive of whatever I decide. I don't need your physical help, but I do need your emotional support so no sighing, foot-tapping, hand-patting on the chair to let me know in your passive aggresive way that you on not happy." He said ok, and that was that.

Fastforward to bedtime. She finally fell asleep in our bed, after nursing, at about 9:45. I put her in her crib at 10:10, and the crying started about 5 minutes later. She cried for 20 minutes. I wanted to give in. I really did. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that if she comes back to our bed, I will once again not get a solid night's sleep, not to mention the weaning aspect. Plus, I kept remembering people telling me "if you give in and go get her, you're going to have to go this long, plus more time, next time you try it." That alone was reason to not give in. And, the thought of my letting her cry like this was possibly scarring her for life also entered my mind a few times. As I was going back and forth in my mind, she stopped. Silence. For a second I wondered if she was dead, and that I realized how ridulous that thought was. I started to drift off, and then the crying started again. Slightly louder. She cried for another 10 minutes and then silence again. And that was that.

I must confess that I had a glass of wine before this ordeal started. Because I knew it would be an ordeal. It did make it slightly better, I guess. Is it horrible of me that I didn't find her crying completely heart-breaking? I mean, it was obvious she wasn't in pain. Her decibel level did get up there a few times, but for the most part it was a "why isn't anyone paying attention to me" cry.

She did wake up one time in the middle of the night, but I must have been exhausted b/c I barely heard her, which means I did NOT go get her. She woke up on her own at 7, ready to nurse, and then right back to sleep:)

So, I don't think there's any permanent damage done!

Project Weaning

The time has arrived. Today is my/our first day of weaning. It's pretty bittersweet to be at this point. I never in a million years thought that I would even WANT to breastfeed, let alone do it for over 11 months. I feel really good about, although a bit guilty about the weaning. I know that even if we weren't planning on a FET, I had planned to stop at 12 months. I just feel guilty that she is missing out on more, just b/c I am being selfish and want to try to have another baby.

I have stopped pumping at work (which allows me 10 minutes to write this post). Sophia obviously won't be affected by my stopping pumping, but my boobs sure are dreading it. I would say there have been a handful of times since returning to work that I forgot my pump/pump parts at home, and so couldn't pump. Let's just say I was thrilled when I got home. I'm assuming I'll start getting pretty uncomfortable about 3 pm.

I'm going to attempt to cut out 1 session every 7-10 days. Next week will be the before bed feeding, which generally happens around 9 pm. I am DREADING her reaction to it:(

Since there is sure to be lots of boob talk in the next few weeks, let's look at some fun pics today:)

Blurry, but I don't care. I love her little sausage arms. THis was Saturday, before bathtime:)



She loves cheese:) Until we got smart with cubed cheese, we were giving her shredded, which is what is all over her in this pic. Also, she is showing us her "touchdown" move:)

The FET plan:)

Phew...I went in Monday to get my P4 drawn to make sure I wasn't close to O'ing. I forgot my purse at home, and then had some serious anxiety when I pulled into the parking lot. I got the call that my P4 was where it should be for the cycle day, so we went in yesterday to talk to Dr. K.

She did the SHG and TET first. When she walked in to the u/s room, she looked dissapointed that Sophia wasn't there, lol. I told her she was in the waiting room with Dan and she was happy again:) She asked if Sophie had learned how to say "Aunt Sarah" yet (her name). I told her no, but she would:) The procedures hurt like a mo-fo...and the dildo-cam...what more can I say about that??!

The good news is that everything looked fine. Next up was the consult. She and the rest of the staff oohed and aahhed over our sweet girl for a few minutes, and then we got down to business. Turns out that we have three embies, not two. The third one is necrotic, so obviously not the best option, but it looked good enough that the very picky lab had decided to freeze it in the first place.

The GREAT news is that in Jan 2009 the lab switched to a new freezing technique, vitrification. Apparently, this is a stellar method:) In the first 1/2 of 2010, for FETs where the embies were frozen using this method (and in my age range when embies were retrieved), the stats are as follows...7 FETs resulted in 5 pregnancies; 5 pregnancies resulted in 4 sets of twins. Holy cannoli. Essentially, if we can get pregnant, there's an 80% chance of twins.

She never gave us a percentage for us, but bottom line, our chances are MUCH better this time around than they were with FET #1.

The plan is for me to wrap up bfing by the end of the year. I'll start Estrace with my January cycle (most likely early in the month), with FET planned for a Friday in late January or early Feb.

I'm a bit intimidated by the likelihood of twins, but we're just as likely to be one of the two couples for whom this doesn't work. So we'll see. We're going with it. Dan was completely freaked out, but when I asked if he wanted to postpone/not do it at all, he said absolutely not.

11 months!!!

Friday was Sophia's 11 month birthday. Just one more month until the big one, but for now...the unofficial stats.
1) red hair/blue eyes
2) wearing 12 and 18 month clothes
3) SEVEN teeth!!! 4 bottom and 3 top
4) no more baby food for her. If you stick a spoon by her mouth she'll smack it away. She's all about self-feeding, so we're into cheese (shredded and cubed), diced pickles and tomatos, peas, carrots, corn. So far, the only thing she hasn't eaten is steamed brocolli. I think it just wasn't the right texture for her. She didn't mind the taste, just couldn't chew it.
5) Is very into electrical outlets and wall vents:(
6) 2nd haircut
7) loves to play with (unused) diapers
8) growls (yes, growls) when she is hungry. It's at those times that Dan calls her "your daughter"
9) size 3 diapers, and size 4 overnight for bedtime
10) does not dig people that she doesn't know well, or only sees rarely
11) the only toy she plays with on a daily basis is her box of letter/number blocks. She contantly takes the blocks out...puts the blocks in...lather, rinse, repeat.
12) She sings to us. We call it her "Mariah."
13) She'd much rather be standing than sitting.
14) She's cruising, and I expect walking will be here very soon.
15) So far, she has no problem with car rides. I'm worried she's going to start fussing soon, but I'm trying hard to keep her rear facing until she's 2.
16) Seems to finally have more of an interest in books than just chewing on them.