Friday, June 22, 2012


I'm a huge proponent of picking the battles that I think I can win (or that need to be fought). I fought one last night. Connor still takes the Propanalol 2 mls, TID. Since I stopped pumping about 2 weeks ago, I have stopped making his bottles. When I was pumping, I would make them primarily because I was supplementing with formula and wanted to make sure he got the right amount, but also because Dan seems to think he will turn to stone if he touches breastmilk.

Dan has been making his daily bottles the last 10 days or so. My routine is to put 2 mls in each of his first three bottles, which are the three bottles that Dan has been making. I noticed a few days ago that the medicine was running low, it just seemed like we were running through it really quickly, but I didn't give it all that much thought. My main concern was that insurance won't refill until x date, and I didn't want him to go without.

Last night, something just told me to ask about the meds. The medicine was getting so low in the bottle that I couldn't draw out with a syringe, so I poured a bit into a medicine cup, took the syringe and gave it to Dan. I asked him to show me how much medicine he's been putting in each of the bottles. He looked at the syringe like he'd never seen it before. He told me that he always just pours it straight into the medicine cup, and then into the bottle. RED FLAG, the cup does not have a 2ml level. Apparently he's been giving him FIVE mls per bottle, which is over DOUBLE the prescribed amount.

When I calmly asked why he was giving him that much, his response was "because that's what I thought you said." I walked away. I looked at the bottle again, read the instructions AGAIN, and knew I was going to lose my shit. I was so mad I was shaking. Always cognizent that Sophie is listening, I somehow remained calm.

I questioned why he didn't read the bottle. He of course became defensive. "Well, perfect mom, why don't you make the bottles from now on?" I said that I would, but that I thought I could rely on him to administer medication correctly.

It's obviously not about the battle, it's about doing what we need to do to keep Connor healthy. I said something like "after the Walgreens debacle, how can you NOT read the label. You've been giving him over TWICE what he needs. It's an adult medicine that causes lowered heartrate." He just looked at me.

I finally just stopped. I'm too tired to fight, what's done is done, but yes I WILL be making Connor's bottles from now on. And, no wonder his hemangioma seems to have shrunk down to nothing.

Side note: I ALWAYS check the meds before I give anything. We seriously have a mini medicine chest on our kitchen counter. Most of it is for Sophie, but we also have the infant tylenol, Connor's meds, etc. I check the type, the name (if it's Rx), and the dose each time. I just don't trust my brain these days to make a guess at what I am giving them. Plus, with a possible red food dye allergy for Sophie, I check ingrediants as well.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Our house is always full of chaos. To say it's never dull is an understatement. The anxiety I've been feeling over finding a daycare came to a head this am. My alarm clock (aka Connor) did NOT go off. I can normally count on him to wake up by 6:30. Today, it was 7:50 and Dan was actually the first one up. I freaked, knowing I have to get both myself and Sophie up and dressed asap. My goal is to get Sophie to daycare by 8:30 so she can eat breakfast. Knowing that wouldn't happen today, I had to add "fix breakfast" to my list,  before heading out the door.

I get in/out of the shower and go to check-on babies. Dan has them in their bouncy seats, eating their morning bottles. Connor's eye is red. "Why is Connor's eye red?" "Oh, he had so much green snot coming out of his nose last night that it got on his eye and sealed it shut." Oh, that's all. Great. Add "call the dr" to my list, before heading out the door.

I call the dr and am put on hold. I do my make-up while holding. I can multi-task. I talk to the nurse, just running it by her. "Oh, he's having copious amounts of green snot at his age...he needs to come in. Dr. R has an opening at 10:30 and 11:30." I take the 10:30 knowing full well that I have an 11 am meeting. Add "cancel meeting" to my list, before heading out the door.

Now it's really full speed ahead, as it's nearing 8:30 and Sophie is still in bed. I give her time to get out of her jammies. She refuses. I start to unzip her. "Me, me, ME!" OK, well then do it yourself, which actually means that she REzips her jammies, only to un-zip them again. She doesn't like the shirt I pick out. I offer her a second shirt. After a tantrum that she cannot wear the long-sleeved shirt she sees peeking out of her drawer, she decides on the original shirt.

We are potty training. I ask if she wants to wear a diaper or underpants to Stacey's, hoping against hope that she picks the diaper because that is easier for me. Nope. She wants her Dora (aka Dowa) panties. I only see one pair...at least they are clean. This means I need to find at least 2 more pairs to take to the sitter. There are none to be found, except possibly in that huge pile of clean laundry that is covering our entire couch. Do you know how hard it is to find 2 pairs of little girl size 4 underpants in that pile? Almost impossible, especially when I'm in such a hurry.

I can't find my hair brush. This is bad for both me and Sophie. There are just piles of crap EVERYWHERE. A pile of paperwork here, a pile of clothes there, random shoes all over, toys acting as landmines up and down the hall. I CAN'T TAKE IT! We are in the process of painting the twins room (finally, it's only been almost a year). Their room is a disaster in and of itself. The counters are full of crap, the dining room table is full of crap. I lose my shit. At least I didn't cuss. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew Sophie was watching and listening, so I kept it together as best I could. I thought Dan was going to yell at me for bitching, but thankfully (for him), he knew better.

Finally, we're off. I drop Sophie at Stacey's. Luckily, I'm so late there is no traffic. It's almost 9:30 by now and I'm debating what to do. Going to work for 40 minutes will be pretty fruitless, I know. So, I take on the task that I really don't want to do, but I do because I'm a good wife. I go to the Cremation office to get a death certificate for my mother-in-law, that Dan needs in order to title her car in his name.

I had no idea he had ordered one, until he told me last night that it was ready to pick up. I immediately offered to pick it up for him. He argued, pretty adamant in getting it himself. I kept pushing it though. It's bad enough that he will forever have the picture of his mom's body in his head, I certainly didn't want him smelling the smell of that building that I hoped I would never smell again. I am certain it would have sent him over the edge.  So, I pick it up. Luckily, I was only in the building up to a certain point, so although I did smell the smell, it wasn't nearly as strong as I remembered, the day that I saw her for the last time. But it was enough.

I got back to the car and cried. Why? I have no idea. The chaos of the morning, the anxiety about daycare, missing my mother in law, stress about buying a new car, re-fi'ing our mortgage, plus some.

Then, I took Connor to the pedi, where she confirmed an ear infection. That should explain (with the exception of last night) his inability to sleep lately.

I finally make it to my office, only to have my Outlook calendar remind me at 12:45, of a 1 pm meeting that I am running, for which I have no agenda.

All this, before I even have lunch. Or breakfast, actually.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

daycare anxiety

I have it. The chore of finding another daycare for Sophie is just that...a chore. It has my mind racing. I'm scouring the internet, Craigslist, asking friends...I can't find anything that I LOVE, that is good enough for Sophie. I know no place is perfect, but I want it to be, lol:)  I also know that like all things that I research, I'll KNOW when I find what I'm looking for. But, I can't say that I KNEW that Sophie's current sitter was the best fit for us. She seemed "good," we needed someone, she had an opening, so I took a leap of faith. I knew my friends were giving me the side-eye for finding a sitter on Craigslist, but where the hell else are you supposed to find them these days?  For the first few weeks that Sophie went there I looked her up and down with a fine tooth comb to make sure there was no evidence of odd scratches or bruising. Now I laugh about that, because Stacey is just THAT fabulous, and such a good fit for Sophie's personality.

I visited a center last week that I really liked. At the advice of many friends, I went unannounced, to see how the place "really" ran. I was pleasantly surprised. It was clean, fun, the kids were playing. The only odd thing to me, not necessarily a red flag, was that the owner/director's mom was one of the "teachers" that day. Apparently mom fills in when one of the staff call in sick.  Again, odd but not a deal breaker for me. One thing I don't like is that the Director will be out on maternity leave for 6 weeks, mid-Nov through the end of December, but "her husband will be stopping by." Not so sure about that. She didn't bat an eye that I didn't have an appt, and showed me the entire space. She's owned the place for about 7 months, and currently only has 7-8 kids, so I can't really get a feel for what it would be like at full capacity. But, I liked it enough to take Sophie back this morning to visit. It's in the running. The potential deal-breaker for me is that they only have 1 hour of outside play time a day, 30 minutes in the AM and 30 in the PM. She's used to being outside 3-4 hours a day, weather permitting. She loves it.

Our current sitter recommended a friend of hers, who Sophie and I went to visit last night. I liked this woman alot, liked her home, liked her idea that kids need lots of outdoor play, and then she took me to the basement, where the kids play. I'm not opposed to basements, but I'm opposed to dreary ones with no windows/no natural light. Despite all the fun toys, and the fact that this woman has a waiting list of parents trying to get their kids in her care, I don't want Sophie down there all day!!!

After all my internet scouring today, when I should have been working, I found a place that I really like (at least on paper).  It's a center, just a minute or two further drive from our current sitter. They have a website (I like that), and had several great reviews on an independent site (I love that). I talked with the Director and will be stopping by tomorrow. She doesn't accept appointments and wants the parent to feel like they can stop by anytime, "chaos and all." In my mind, I've found a winner...just hope it feels the same in person.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

9 months old!

The twins turned nine months yesterday. It has been a whirwind of busy-ness and chaos. Some days I try to remember, other days I'm honestly glad are over. Twins are hard. Twins and a toddler are even harder. The twins have so many physical needs to meet, while Sophie has so many emotional needs. Juggling them is nearly impossible. I think we do a decent job, probably better than decent most days, but it's usually at the expense of ourselves.

My diet is shit. It doesn't help that Dan is so busy he doesn't have much time to cook, although he is slowly easing back into that. Nothing sounds good, but I know I have to eat. So I eat crap.

It's been about 18 hours since I last pumped. I've been struggling with stopping pumping. I breastfed Sophie until she was one. I feel like if I don't do that with Connor that it means I love him less. Obviously not true. My supply has been dwindling for weeks, so he's been getting 50/50 breastmilk/formula. The truth is, I have no motivation to do anything that will increase my milk supply. None. When I wake in the morning it is the last thing on my mind, and when I go to bed at night, it's the very last thing I want to do, once snuggled up in bed.

Connor has only been breastfed twice, once in the NICU and once when we came home. The logistics of breastfeeding twins is nearly impossible. Huge kudos to twin/triplet moms who can pull it off. I couldn't. Avery let me off the hook when she went on Nutra.migen at 10 weeks. If not for that, my supply would have surely dwindled months ago. I'm just tired of it. If I *were* breastfeeding, it might be a different story, but there is just no emotional attachment to a plastic thing stuck to my boob a few times a day.

But there is guilt. My sweet, sweet boy deserves the best and I'm just too tired to do it anymore. I know many wonderful, WONDERFUL moms who never breastfed, and I'm sure they love their kids as much as I love Connor.

I haven't firmly decided I'm done, but the fact that I haven't pumped since about 8 pm last night says alot. And I'm not engorged. That's how low my supply has gotten.

As for the twins, they are fantastic:) Little Avery is a powerhouse. She's been army crawling for a few weeks, and ready anytime to take off on all fours. Avery is all over, moving around like a little worm. I think Connor will be skipping the army crawl (Sophie did too), as he's definately trying to figure out the hands and knees thing.

They are both sitting independently, although Connor is probably a bit better than Avery. She is trying desperately to sit from a lieing down position.

Connor has 4 teeth, with a 5th to come soon. Avery is the slacker with just her two bottom teeth;)

Connor is my giggly boy; Avery is the cuddler. She is quick to cry, but relatively easy to sooth, at least with the tricks I have figured out. Connor is NOT a fusser, but when he does is almost inconsolable at times. This is probably because he usually only cries when something hurts; while Avery just has that mentality of "look at me, I'm crying, pick me up."

Their 9 month pedi appt is tomorrow so I'll know official stats then, but for now:
1) they are getting ready to move to size 4 diapers
2) Connor wears 6-9 or 9 month clothes; Avery is in 6 or 6-9
3) 4 bottles a day, about 30 oz of formula/breast milk
4) Two solids a day, usually a fruit and a veggie. Connor still has a pretty significant gag reflex so he doesn't do well with anything except really pureed foods. Avery loves food so much that she sucks it off the spoon, and gnaws the spoon with her teeth:)
5) Connor's hair is red, with the start of a wave/curl on top; Avery's brown hair has lightened alot and looks almost blonde.
6) Both still have blue eyes.

This was taken today:)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My sweet, sweet Sophia is 2.5 years old today. I still look at her in awe and amazement; I suppose I always will. Her features continue to change. She’s no longer a baby and has started taking on that little girl look. It makes me sad, but also so curious about the things to come. She has a love hate relationship with her siblings. One second she will be actively playing with them, and the next she is screaming at Avery because she took one of her toys.

She hugs and kisses her brother and sister. She will tell me and Dan that she loves us, completely unprompted. Hearing “lub you mommy” melts my heart every time.

1) Size 5 diaper

2) 32 pounds; 34 inches

3) Wearing 2T and 3T clothes. 2T on bottom, 3T on top because she likes to make sure her belly is covered:)

4) her hair continues to lighten. She got it cut a few weeks ago and the hairdresser mentioned that her "new" hair is very very blonde.

5) Grey-blue eyes.

6) Definately has phases of food likes and dislikes. Likes are "usually" cheese, chicken nuggets, goldfish, bananas, grapes.

7) STILL sleeping in our bed. I have GOT to work on this.

8) Is saying many 5 word phrases, and has started repeating things she hears. Most recently, and I LOVE this, she has started to say “xxxx (Insert toy, piece of clothing, food), that’s my favorite.” She clearly doesn’t know what favorite means, because everything is her “favorite.” When you say something she doesn’t like she says “no say that.” A common response from her is “me is.” For example, who’s going shopping? Me is!

9) She goes through phases of self potty training. We’re currently in the phase when she prefers diapers.

10) She had her first dentist appt a few weeks ago, and has a complete set of teeth---2 year molars are in. Dentist warned us to start saving for braces, as she has a mouth full of teeth.

11) She is SO shy in front of the camera. I can rarely get a smile.

12) She has officially been put in "time out", when she actually understood what was going on. She's not a fan. She likes to hit, and then laugh

I love this picture of her, and the chairs. I was going to get just one for her, and then realized if I'm getting one, I better get three:) They'll be well used next summer, I'm sure!

Friday, June 1, 2012

the "spot" doctor, take 2

Sophie had her 2nd allergist (aka spot doctor) appointment yesterday. Also a pulmonologist, he is treating her asthma as well.

Good news re: asthma. Since they schooled me last time on how to properly administer the mask/chamber with her Flovent, her Albuteral use has gone down significantly. I SWEAR, we were taught incorrectly when she was in the hospital. Even Dan remembers being taught something different. The CORRECT way to administer any inhaled med is to make sure the mask is in place, and THEN press down to release the med. Prior to the first allergist appt, we were releasing the med and THEN placing on her face, so she wasn't getting the full dose. Dr B was really pleased with the change this made.

Re: the hives, we are still looking for answers. After having a discussion about my unofficial findings (i.e., things that I believe increase the chance of hives), he only wanted to test her for berries. THe only actual test they had was for strawberries, for which it's been confirmed she does NOT have an allergy.

It gets trickier now, as the dr is taking my theory of a red dye allergy and putting a plan in place. He wants her to be completely free of all foods with red dye for a month, and see what happens. This includes medicines, toothpaste, etc. I freaked a bit at first, thinking this would be REALLY hard, because red dye is in SO many things. After going home and reading some labels, she actually doesn't eat that much that contains red dye. I found this great list of foods here. It gives me hope that she can still have little kid snacks:) http://reddyefree.blogspot.com/p/products-without-artificial-colors_10.html

In addition to cutting out the red dye, I will start logging EVERYTHING she eats.

He wants us to see a dermatologist as well, to rule out any of the "hives" being from excema. I don't think they are, but am happy to do this if it means we come closer to an answer for her.

Additionally, she's to start taking Singul.air and Zan.tac. I honestly didn't understand his reasoning behind using the Zan.tac, but was too tired to really ask for a decent, lay person, explanation.

Finally, he ordered a TON of blood tests. He is extremely doubtful there is any auto-immune issue going on, but like with derm, wants to rule it out. All test results should be back by Tuesday, but some were back this morning. Those initial results came back with no thyroid issues, CBC was good, ESR was normal. There was a metabolic level that came back slightly elevated, so the dr now wants a complete metabolic panel completed. Hopefully this increased level was caused by dehydration, so I'm under strict orders to fill her with fluids prior to her blood draw next week. The nurse said the dr wasn't necessarily suspicious of anything beyond dehydration, but because it did come back slightly elevated, he wants to take a closer look.

Here are two pics from this AM. I took them with phone, which explains the crappiness of the quality.

Yes, Sophie still sleeps with us. Connor has proven to be our early riser. Luckily, this AM I was able to get him out of his crib (without waking Avery), and back to sleep in our bed. Thank goodness for a king size bed.

Not more than 60 seconds later though, he popped over and gave me his good morning smile:)