Tuesday, July 28, 2009


So my attempt to be normal (start a registry, plan a nursery, come up with a name) backfired tremendously over the past 24 hours.

Yesterday? I was happy as a clam making some fun, wonderful plans.
Last night? I was focusing on what I wasn't feeling (McBaby).
Today? MELT DOWN at a staff meeting in which I discussed my maternity leave plans with our group. OK, so I melted down AFTER the staff meeting, but I still melted. Actually, as soon as my "plans" had been told, I left the meeting and called Dr. S, asking to get in for a h/b check. The secretary wanted to know if something was wrong, if I was having trouble feeling the baby. "Um, yes, I can't really say that I've ever FELT my baby." (Starting to write off those thumps I felt last week). Anyhoo, she acted like I was impositioning her b/c they were "so busy today." I said, as politely as I could "look, I did IVF, I'm paranoid, Dr. S said I could come in whenever I need to be reassured. Today is one of those days."

So they fit me in and gave me the talk about "it may take a minute to find." However, Miss McBaby was very cooperative, with a h/b loud and clear right away. Yes, I cried.

I embarrassingly told Dan about the meltdown. I called him as I was driving back to work from the appt. He doesn't really get the paranoia, but I don't really expect him too.

Now, I'm exhausted. I stressed myself out and just want to go home and crawl under the covers. But I'm thrilled to know she's nice and cozy in there:-) At least one of us can relax.


Bluebird said...

Ah, yes. A pregnancy after IF just isn't quite the same. I'm so sorry, but thrilled beyond words to know that everything with your little one is just fine. Plan and dream away, sweetie :)

Lakshmi said...

can you get a doplar from babies r us, etc. nothing wrong with a lil' piece of mind -right.

Leah said...

I completely understand. You should seriously invest in a good doppler. You will have to order it on the internet to get a good one. I bought one at 18 weeks and have used it almost daily since. There are many days now when I don't feel her as much and would absolutely have a heart attack without my doppler. I'm glad baby is doing great. I freak out daily so don't feel bad about a melt down once and a while! I actually had one Sunday and went to L&D for monitoring because I didn't feel her. I was sobbing to my husband! I totally get it!

Fran said...

You poor thing!! I think it's totally understandable! After all the difficulties to make McBaby it's only normal to fear the dream may go away...BUT McBaby is really safe inside you, really really cosy and very healthy as you know. Mayabe take the planning a little slower, one thing at a time so that you don't go in overdrive. And remember, your hormons aren't helping either at this stage! Big big hugs, Fran

Heidi said...

Can't you rent a doppler? I know a couple of people who either bought or rented one during their pregnancies. Sounds like it might be a good investment in your peace of mind. :)