To tree, or not to tree???

I'm thinking not to tree. No, I'm not a grinch. No, I'm not depressed and feeling sorry for myself. It's just so much work. We live in a 3rd floor walk-up condo. Our Christmas stuff is stashed in the basement. I just don't think I am up for it. Plus, I have so much to do, I don't know when I'd find the time to do it. Dan could take it or leave it. He always likes once it's up (offering NO help!), but is also always the first to ask when it will be taken down. I just don't think I'm up for it this year.

In IF news...I've been stimming since Thurs night. I go in tomorrow for u/s and b/w to see what's cooking in there. Hopefully enough...but not too much. Believe it or not, I am so not into this cycle. Seriously, I'm afraid I will forget my meds. I guess I have so much other stuff going on that it's hard to focus on my cycle. This time last year we were on a break, so I don't really have much to compare it to.

IUI #6 here we go!

Time to get back on the roller coaster. I have been spotting for 6 days, yes SIX. I finally started AF yesterday. I went in for my baseline b/w and u/s today and all looks good. My ovaries are "resting", E2 is 41 and FSH is 5. Go me.

I'll start 112.5 IUs of Gonal-F tomorrow night, and will continue with that dose through Sunday night. I go in Monday at 8 for u/s and b/w to see how things are progressing. I think I'm on track for a Dec 8-10 IUI.

Dr. K has a new nurse now. Maybe she'll be lucky for me? I saw Dr. K today and she gave me a hug. It's so nice to know that she cares.

Amy's gift

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who donated money to Amy and her family. Her shower was this weekend, although she was unable to be there. And despite the guest of honor being absent, it was a really nice shower. Yummy food, yummy cake:-) And wouldn't you know it that me, the infertile girl, wins a baby shower game. Go figure:-)

We gave Amy a check for $1100. Amazing. Truly. She was so thankful, but there's no way she can thank everyone individually so she asked me to do that for her. Despite Matt's cancer, she feels so blessed. People have been so generous in buying off the registry for baby Mattie.

My friend Sara's office has "adopted" Amy and her family for the holidays:-) I got a little emotional when she told me. It's still up in the air, but I think they will mainly be helping them with food, whether they hire a service, or co-workers offer to cook meals and drop them by. Amy told me they are just so tired that no one feels like cooking. I think they may also help with Matt's feeding tube food, which apparently isn't very cheap.

Thank you again to all who donated! She is so grateful. Below is a pic of the baby blanket I made for Mattie. It was my first stab at a "rag" quilt, but I wanted it to be special. I'm still not sure what I think about it:-)

officially diagnosed with stage 1 endo

I just got back from my post-lap appt with Dr. K. Incisions look good, so I'm all clear in that area.

Dan went with me since we were talking about next steps. Dr. K basically told me we should just *try* for 3 months. I must have looked like I was going to cry, b/c I have never had anyone hand me a tissue that quickly:-) I said "do you actually mean have sex?" I could tell she was trying not to laugh. I told her, with Dan sitting there and backing me up, that I don't want that pressure anymore, and that TI is just too stressful for us. ***If anyone out there thinks baby making sex is actually fun...I dare you to try it for 3+ years with no success. No fun anymore***So we talked about doing a spontaneous IUI, which basically means I wouldn't take any meds, just take OPK's and go in for the IUI when I get a +. We were sold on that plan, although I did question not using any meds. She said she'd like to try without and see what happens.

Then I asked her if my dx had changed, and she said yes, to stage 1 endo...which got us talking about my ovulatory issues, since that was really my first diagnosis. As we were having this discussion she realized that a spontaneous IUI wouldn't work for me, b/c I DO have ovulatory issues. So, we'll be doing Gonal F + IUI with my next cycle. I should start AF next week.

Oh, AND I got pictures from the lap!!!! I actually got to see my insides, and the endo! I know...I'm sick, but was very excited. I'll have to scan them and upload them.

UPDATE: Here are some pics of my insides:-)) They may gross you out, so stop reading now if you gross out easily.

The top two pics show the entrance to my fallopian tubes. Bottom right is my uterus. Can you believe it is so small????

The circles show the endo.

Acceptance...is it possible???

I think I may have gotten there. I just got back from my 3rd therapy appt. I was actually going to cancel it, but forgot, and didn't want to just not show up. We talked about my lap and next steps...and a bit about my relationship with Dr. K. And (gasp!!) acceptance

After the lap, Dan made the comment he thinks we (meaning me and Dr. K) are too close...like we've crossed the dr/patient boundary. I don't agree at all. I brought it up in therapy. Her thought was that an RE/patient connection is different than a normal dr/patient relationship. Essentially, Dr. K isn't just treating my uterus, to an extent she is also treating my mental health. Dan has been to more appts over the past 6 months, and I think he's now really seeing what an RE appt is like...and it happens to be something he has never experienced before. Therapist explained that RE appt are typically longer (as compared with regular docs), to ensure treatment of the patient. That makes sense to me. He's used to going to his doc every 2 years when he gets so sick he can't stand it, gets some meds and is sent on his way. Totally different than an RE.

As far as acceptance, I expressed to her what I have expressed to a few friends lately. To me, it's not really me vs. IF anymore. I'm not struggling anymore with why this is happening to me. It is what it is. I have this disease, and I have chosen to embrace it and struggle to get to the other side, instead of drowning in the "why me's." (Although trust me...I've been at the why me stage and it is no fun). IF is really just part of me. As apart of me as being born with brown hair and brown eyes. She said that is acceptance. It's not like I was ever striving to get to that point...but it's a good feeling. It's almost like I've given up a fight.

Sometimes it just hits me...

Friday afternoon, trying to get motivated to be productive. I decided to tackle my desktop. Yes, I am one of those people whose computer monitor is super cluttered with lots of Word docs, Access files, etc. Of course I open each file prior to deleting or moving, and I can usually tell what something is by what I named it.

Then I come to a picture, without an obvious name. Hmmm...what could this be? It was a picture of my two transfered embies from IVF #1 in May. Embies # 7 and #9 (according to the embriology lab) to be exact.

Sigh.

Sigh again.

Sniff.

Sniff. sniff.

I finally closed the picture, but I didn't delete it or move it. I'll keep it where it is for a while.

Had my lap...

and I had some endo.
Stage 1 (so the least harmful), but Dr. K found a mass of it behind my uterus. I talked to her yesterday and she said it was more than she expected to find. She told me she's fine with us moving forward with IVF #2 when we are ready, but she feels we should try on our own for a few months. I told her we were not ready to go back to TI (basically having sex at the "right" time). We're just way past that and don't want to deal with the frustration. She told me she's happy to do a few IUI's, but not with Clomid. I have an appt in 2 weeks for her to look at my incisions so we'll talk about next steps then. But it looks like we'll try 2 IUIs (one in Dec, one in Jan) with injectible meds...and see what happens.

It seems crazy to be moving backwards, but maybe this has been the issue the whole time? I have to hope that it is, and now that it's gone I won't have an issue. Let's hope so anyway.

And for anyone scared of getting a lap...it's not that big of a deal. Trust me, I was freaking out pre-surgery. But honestly, I don't even remember going to sleep. I was in pain when I woke up, but they gave me some meds and all was better. They sent me home with a small bottle of pain killers, which I've been trying to use in moderation.