First, I am home. Without my babies. My insurance only approves 4 days hospital stay with a c-section, so they kicked me out:(
I was completely fine until I talked to Dan about 1:30 today, asking him what time he planned to pick me up. He basically left it up to me, and we decided on 3:30, which would give me time to help with one more (2 pm) feeding. Once I had the timeline in my head, I lost it.
I went to the NICU shortly after talking with Dan, at which time our nurse asked me how I was. Needless to say, tears. Lots and lots and LOTS of tears. Along with ugly face, blubbering, snotty hyper-ventilation. Apparently they are used to this, because she pulled the curtains around our little area, handed me a box of kleenex, told me they refer to this day as "kleenex day" and gave me a hug. Which made me cry harder. I sat down in "my" chair (I've already found my favorite in the NICU), between my two babies and tried to pull myself together. Thankfully I was able to, until I heard Dan's voice, letting me know that my time was short.
Dan does not get it, but I don't expect him to. He keeps saying "they are in the best place possible." He doesn't understand that I realize that, and I agree. It's not that I think they are not being cared for, it's simply that I'm leaving them. And, I suspect there's also a touch of guilt when I think about how badly I wanted them to be born b/c I was so miserable. But then, I check myself with the reminder that I *did* go into labor on my own. They were ready to make an appearance, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
So, I left my babies. My two little babies that now weigh just over 5 pounds each. Little Avery who looks like a tiny bird when she eats, and Connor who has already stolen my heart. My friends know that I have been afraid of having a boy, not knowing what to expect. I was afraid, and hestitant, but now that he's here I would wish for nothing but him.
I will be there beating down the NICU doors at 11 am tomorrow:)