The NICU

Last night, I thought back to the hospital tour we took prior to having Sophie. They walked us by the newborn nursery where we were able to ogle over the beautiful little newborns. We were shown the outside of the NICU, but the windows were covered, and it seemed like such a solemn, sick place. I remember thinking thank goodness we won't have to be in there.

Fast forward less than 2 years, and here we are. But it's not nearly as bad as I expected, perhaps because my babies aren't among the "sickest of the sick."

For the past 9 days, I have seen most of the babies admitted since ours, come and go. Not many stay here, they are usually out in a day or two. Thankfully, I haven't seen any super sick babies either. I think we officially win for the babies that have been here the longest.

The nurses that work here are amazing. They have such peaceful souls. You can tell they enjoy being here, and have a way about them that really soothes a scared parent.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is discharge day.

Here's our little spot. Avery is to the left, Connor to the right. They are both hooked up to monitors. They each have a fridge where I can store pumped milk. I feel really good that they've only gotten super minimal formula. My body seems to be keeping up with their demand.

This is where I've been sitting for the past 8 days. They eat every 3 hours, around the clock, and I've been able to be here for each of their 11 am, 2 pm, 5 pm feedings. Basically, this is where I've been camped out for 7 hours a day. I haven't questioned it, because why would I NOT be here? BUT, I'm so thankful that our time is almost done here. I want my babies home!

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Today, they each weight 5 lbs 3 oz. Most of the pics I've taken and sent to people, or put on facebook make them look like regular little babies. But, when you unswaddle them, these are the skinny little chicken legs that I've talked about.
This is Miss Avery. They are both wearing newborn diapers, but they are still big on them!!

The days after...

Avery and Connor have made fantastic progress. Their respiratory issues were fairly easy to get under control. On Thursday, they made it out of the critical part of the NICU. On Friday morning, they graduated to open cribs, mainly because they appear to be maintaining their temps fairly easily.

They are still hooked up to an IV, mainly until they are up to their full feeds. Once their little bellies can handle the amount of food the docs say is appropriate, they'll lose the IVs. This could happen as soon as tomorrow.

On Thurs morning Connor had an apnic episode, which the docs said might add 5-7 days to his stay, but luckily he's had no more.

From Thursday to Friday they both lost more weight and were each down to 5 lbs 4 ozs. From Fri to Sat, they lost more and now each weight 5 lbs 3 oz. The dr says we'll most likely see one more drop in weight, until they are up to their full feeds.

I was able to do skin to skin with them on Tues night, and then again today.

I started pumping about 24 hours after they were born. Yesterday, I pumped SEVEN oz. Holy milk, batman!!! But then today, my supply has not been so great. However, I was able to breastfeed them both 3 times today. They latched on, which apparently is a HUGE deal at this gestational age. I feel really good about that, and am now on the pumping every 2.5 hour schedule. Fun times are here again;)

My babies are just so tiny, although I know in the whole scheme of things they are not. They both have the same little chicken legs that Sophie had when she was born. But theirs are even more skinny and chickenish, lol. Lots of wrinkles in their arms and legs. Lots of peach fuzz all over their body. Their fingers and toes look like all skin and bones. Their eyes don't even look real. They both have a decent amount of hair though...Avery's is most definately brown and Connor's is blondish to strawberry blond. Connor looks like a male version of Sophie, meaning he looks just like Dan, lol. I think Avery may actually resemble me. Only time will tell, I guess.

Leaving...

First, I am home. Without my babies. My insurance only approves 4 days hospital stay with a c-section, so they kicked me out:(

I was completely fine until I talked to Dan about 1:30 today, asking him what time he planned to pick me up. He basically left it up to me, and we decided on 3:30, which would give me time to help with one more (2 pm) feeding. Once I had the timeline in my head, I lost it.

I went to the NICU shortly after talking with Dan, at which time our nurse asked me how I was. Needless to say, tears. Lots and lots and LOTS of tears. Along with ugly face, blubbering, snotty hyper-ventilation. Apparently they are used to this, because she pulled the curtains around our little area, handed me a box of kleenex, told me they refer to this day as "kleenex day" and gave me a hug. Which made me cry harder. I sat down in "my" chair (I've already found my favorite in the NICU), between my two babies and tried to pull myself together. Thankfully I was able to, until I heard Dan's voice, letting me know that my time was short.

Dan does not get it, but I don't expect him to. He keeps saying "they are in the best place possible." He doesn't understand that I realize that, and I agree. It's not that I think they are not being cared for, it's simply that I'm leaving them. And, I suspect there's also a touch of guilt when I think about how badly I wanted them to be born b/c I was so miserable. But then, I check myself with the reminder that I *did* go into labor on my own. They were ready to make an appearance, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

So, I left my babies. My two little babies that now weigh just over 5 pounds each. Little Avery who looks like a tiny bird when she eats, and Connor who has already stolen my heart. My friends know that I have been afraid of having a boy, not knowing what to expect. I was afraid, and hestitant, but now that he's here I would wish for nothing but him.

I will be there beating down the NICU doors at 11 am tomorrow:)

September 6, 2011...

our family became complete:)

Went off the meds on Sunday at 11 am...at 10:50 on Tues we were scheduling my c-section. I'd say Dr. P knows what he's talking about.

The birth story...
Monday night I started having timeable contrax. Specifically, I had 24 in two hours. I remember thinking surely this is not right...these can't all be contrax. So, I remember deciding to tell my nurse that I had 20 in two hours, thinking that sounded a bit more reasonable, lol. I already knew that I wasn't going to hospital that night, because I was SO afraid they'd just fill me full of meds and send me home. About 9:30 I took a Tylenol PM which put me in that haze, but I still continued to wake from the contrax. I think I finally fell asleep about midnight, but was up every 1 1/2 hours to pee. As the night went on, I kept getting more and more uncomfortablE. I had alot of pelvic pressure and also alot of pressure in my butt, weirdly enough.

Towards morning, I had to make the decision to go to triage or not. I SO did not want to be one of those girls that goes for every little thing. Dan woke up about 8:30, and I was still debating what to do. At about 8:45 I just said "I think I need you to take me to the hospital." Surprisingly, lol, he didn't roll his eyes, assuming it was a false alarm. It was like we both just knew.

Once on L & D, I was in line behind a woman who had been sent up from her OB office for high blood pressure. When it was my turn, I think I just said "I'm just not feeling right." It sounded so wimpy, lol, but it was true.

They got me hooked up to monitor where I discovered that yes indeed my contrax count had been right the night before, as I was still contracting every TWO minutes. Know wonder I didn't feel right!!

The nurse basically said that whether they would give me meds to stop contrax or not would depend on dilation. That really bummed me out, b/c Dr. S couldn't even REACH my cervix on Friday. Well, turns out I was dilated to and 75% effaced. This was about 10:15. Holy crap!

So, they called down to Dr. S who told them to book the OR for 11 am. HOLY CRAP!! I've never seen nurses move so quickly, lol:) In the end, I have no idea what time the c-section actually began, but Avery Quinn was born at 12:01, and her brother, Connor Daniel, just a minute later at 12:02.

Prior to the drama of the OR, I did feel a pang of regret that I hadn't said good-bye to Sophie. I mean, I'd said goodbye to her when we got to day care, but I didn't get a chance to really say good bye to our little family of three. I cried.

We had such great care. Each baby had a team of 5 doctors/nurses taking care of them, and I had several taking care of me. Avery immediately needed some help in the breathing dept, and was taken to the NICU almost immediately. Connor did well initially and they even brought him in the room with us, but he starting "singing" so the nurse had NICU come do an eval, and off he went too...

They are staying next to each other in the NICU, and doing better each time I see them. Right now, they are on IV's only. All C Paps and cannulas were turned off today and both seem to be tolerating well. Once we get past the respiratory issues, the next hurdle is making sure they can maintain their temp, and then lastly, making sure they are feeding ok.

I've started pumping and am managing to get a bit of colustrum each time.

I feel like I know them already. we had so many u/s towards the end, and it got to the point where I knew who was moving (although never really figured out what body part was moving, lol). It's different to know them as outside babies. Yesterday was traumatic for them of course, and they are so sleepy...not the happy go luckily constantly moving babes that we inside of me so recently. I didn't get to really hold Avery until about 8 hours after she was born. Then, I got lucky and they let me do skin to skin with her. Fabulous:)

For now, Avery has brown hair and Connor has blonde-strawberry blonde. I definately think he's going to look like Dan or Sophie. They look similar to Sophie, but they REALLY resemble each other. Sort of like a male/female version of each other.

Some pics...
Avery

Connor

Dan hanging out with Connor (Avery had already been whisked away)

Brother/sister on their birthday:)

Triage: Take 2

Wed about 5:30 pm I started noticing more frequent contrax. In the first hour I had 6, and then in the next 20 minutes I had 4 more, followed up by more over the next 40 minutes. There was no debate on whether to go. I gave Dan updates along the way, and he was ready before I was, lol.

My biggest fear was getting there and being told that I wasn't having contrax, that it was gas or something. Well, after getting hooked up to the monitor I was most definately having them, and according to the monitor some were pretty hard.

They gave me a shot of terb, and a niphedipine, and monitored for an hour. At that time, I was still borderline, at 6 an hour. So they watched for another 30 minutes and same thing. They gave another shot of terb which seemed to finally do the trick.

We got home about 1 am. I was really hoping they would keep me, and really upset that they kept giving me meds, knowing that I am supposed to stop all meds on Sunday anyway.

We saw Dr. S today who was shocked about the 38 week c-section date, but understood after I told her the reasoning. SHe told me to get a letter from Dr. P, and his recommendation, as a high risk doc, would override the Chief. No dilation today.

I have been losing mucous plug over last few days. Happy for that, at least it's progress.

It's getting to the point that I can't really work from home anymore. Sitting is horribly uncomfortable. But lying down is not much better. the further I get, the more all I want to do is stay in bed, but that is taking it's toll on my bones and muscles. I am sore constantly. Everywhere.

Going off the meds on Sunday and I will just CRY if this does not kick start something. please, plesse.

the plan (and then a change to the plan)

Dan and I went to see Dr. P on Friday. Prior to the appt, I needed to get an ultrasound, which turned out to be the most detailed (and painful) u/s I've ever had. We walked in and the asked what time the appt was with Dr. P. When I told her she said "you'll be late." Huh? These appts usually take 15 minutes. Apparently, he had ordered a bio-physical u/s, which I had never heard of. It requires observing each baby do 2 gross motor movements, 1 fine motor movement and have an episode of "practice" breathing. All this, on top of the usual cervical check and fetal growth check.

We had Sophie with us, so Dan left to take her to day care, knowing she would NOT last for an hour, nor would he, lol. I didn't like the tech, so that didn't help, but I was SO extremely uncomfortable. She didn't seem too sympathetic to my cause, talking under her breath about why Dr P didn't have his own tech do this. Lovely. I finally had to almost faint to get her to let me move into another position.

Long story short, babies both looked good, although B did not do the practice breathing while being observed. Dr. P was not worried in the least. In his office, they did an NST scan, where they measure the babies heartbeats and my contractions. That all looked good too!

So, we started talking delivery:) He was much less optimistic about Baby A (still breech) turning than he was two weeks ago. He also mentioned that hours of labor, after this much time on bedrest would really affect my body post delivery. Bottom line: it would be a bitch. I told him my recovery with Sophie was not good at all, and that I didn't feel like myself until 5 weeks post partum. He said a twin c-section would probably leave me feeling the same way.

He confirmed that I am to stop all meds this Sunday. He suggested that that appt be the last appt with him. Basically, he thinks I'll deliver before I had a chance to see him again. I talked him into one more appt, just for my own mental health, and that will be on Spet 7, two days after stopping meds.


I called Dr. S's office to check on c-section date, since no one had called. They didn't have one, so I called back today and was given a date that is equivilant to 38w 1d. I was beyond upset. I found out the reasoning is the Chief of OBGYN at the hospital will not approve a twin c-section before this time. Grrrrrrrr. Honestly, I don't think it will get to that point, but the idea of waiting 28 more days is just more than I can take.

I'm DONE being pregnant. DONE. I.am.miserable. I haven't picked up Sophie in almost 2 months. I can't do anything around the house. Lying in bed just HURTS at this point. My sides ache all night long, b/c they are taking all the pressure since I can't sleep on belly or back. Most of my pants don't fit anymore. I'm hardly ever hungry b/c there is no room, but when I DO eat, I get nasty reflux. I can't sit up straight in the car, I have to lie back gangsta style, lol. My pelvic bone feels like it's going to split in two. I sneezed the other day and I swear my skin was going to tear. I could go on, and on.

And really, I HATE to complain about this. If I were reading this 2 years ago I would be pissed at myself, complaining like this. I worked so hard to get to this point and now all I can do is bitch.

So what did I do? I took a shower and had a good cry. And then I put on my big girl panties (and trust me, pun intended!), and tried to put on a better attitude.

But, I am miserable.

Updates and plans

I meant to post last Tues night, after my appt with Dr. P...but you know how that goes. At that appt, and at today's appt with Dr. S, we started making plans. Not necessarily the plans I want, but plans none the less.
1) Per Dr. P (I'd just really like to call him the Wizard of Oz!!), I will stop the Indocin this Wednesday. We're at the point where it's more of a risk to babies than a benefit.

2) While Wed is my last day of that, it's my first day of oral Turbutaline. This one scares me a bit. So far, I've had it via IV and via sub-q injection. The latter was much more managable; the IV administration left my heart feeling like it was going to jump out of my chest. Dr. P assured me this was normal, and I should have even less side effects with pills than with the sub-q. Let's hope so. I have to check my pulse prior to taking it, and if it's 110 or higher, I have to wait 30 minutes to take it. I will start out on Wed at 3 times a day, and then starting Thursday, I'll be taking it 6 times a day, in conjuction with the Niphedine.

3) Dr. P was really thrilled that I made it to 32 weeks. Apparently this was a big hurdle to accomplish, and I did it. He mentioned some stats that neurologically, at 1, 3, 5 years of age, a 32 weeker looks no different than a 36 weeker. I hate to say it, but once I heard that, I thought "ok, let's just get this show on the road." Thankfully, the docs won't let me be selfish.

4) As of last Tues I was measuring 40 weeks. He told me, SERIOUSLY, that he'd like to see me measure 50 weeks. FIFTY. Really? My stomach is so tight right now it's ridiculous, it seriously feels like a rock. Dr. P says it's my abdominal wall.

5) Baby A is STILL breach, although she's moved from her little ball. Now, both of their heads are in my ribs, and their feet are hanging out below belly button. The u/s tech got a shot of their little heads so close together...looked like they were conspiring already;)

6) Weights were ok last week, but this week took a huge leap. Baby A is 4 pounds 11 oz, and B is 5 pounds 4 oz. Seems impossible there is 10 pounds of baby in there, not to mention the weight of placenta, fluid, etc. No wonder I'm exhausted!!

5) The big news of the appt was that he gave the suggestion/decision that we would schedule induction or c-section for 37 weeks. He confirmed he wouldn't make me go any further:)

I saw Dr. S today who was also extremely pleased with the progress. It was the shortest appt we've had in awhile, lol! She also mentioned scheduling c-section at 37 weeks. No mention of induction. I've known there might be an "induction struggle" since the beginning. Should Baby A turn and be born vaginally, she does not want to risk any issues with Baby B. Further, she doesn't want me to have a double recovery, which I *do* get. But you better bet I'll stand my ground if Baby A does turn.

I'm really trying to come to terms with a c-section, I am, but I'm not happy. I'm not scared, or worried. It's not that. I think women that ask for an elective c-section are no more crazy than I am, wanting a vaginal delivery. I think maybe it's that I know this will be the last time I will be pregnant. This is it, and I wanted to experience labor again. Yes, I realize I'm a masochist, lol:) I wanted the anticipation of not being fully aware of how it will go. I don't want to be told "arrive at 9 am and we'll take you to the OR by 10 am." I don't want to know ahead of time that these babies will be born at 10:15. Plus, I have the irrational and probably unsubstantiated idea that if I have a c-section, it will be harder for the weight to come off, and more importantly, harder to breastfeed. I feel like if I don't have a vaginal delivery, my body won't know that it's time to start producing milk.

Or maybe by now I am just genuinely crazy. Who knows. All I know is if Dan mentions "we're going to have a c-section" one more time, I'm going to slap him. Hard. In the face. First of all, really? They're going to take a knife to HIS abdomen, and then pull out HIS insides to get the babies out? I think not. Secondly, ever since Dr. S put the thought in our mind that it could very well be a c-section, he has grabbed on to that idea and won't let it go. I'm so TIRED of arguing with him about it. He thinks it's because I'm scared. Again, that's not it, but he's never stopped to ask why, and quite honestly (as a man), would most likely not understand anyway. That's why I haven't wasted too much breath on it.

I'm really just glad there is an end in sight. I've wondered all along how long they would let me go, but our conversations never got that far b/c of all the difficulties I've had. It's nice to be able to say "no more than 4 weeks left," but at the same time I'd really like to go into labor on my own. With all the crazy anti-contraction meds i'll be on though, I don't know how that is even possible. Maybe my water will break??