9 months old!

The twins turned nine months yesterday. It has been a whirwind of busy-ness and chaos. Some days I try to remember, other days I'm honestly glad are over. Twins are hard. Twins and a toddler are even harder. The twins have so many physical needs to meet, while Sophie has so many emotional needs. Juggling them is nearly impossible. I think we do a decent job, probably better than decent most days, but it's usually at the expense of ourselves.

My diet is shit. It doesn't help that Dan is so busy he doesn't have much time to cook, although he is slowly easing back into that. Nothing sounds good, but I know I have to eat. So I eat crap.

It's been about 18 hours since I last pumped. I've been struggling with stopping pumping. I breastfed Sophie until she was one. I feel like if I don't do that with Connor that it means I love him less. Obviously not true. My supply has been dwindling for weeks, so he's been getting 50/50 breastmilk/formula. The truth is, I have no motivation to do anything that will increase my milk supply. None. When I wake in the morning it is the last thing on my mind, and when I go to bed at night, it's the very last thing I want to do, once snuggled up in bed.

Connor has only been breastfed twice, once in the NICU and once when we came home. The logistics of breastfeeding twins is nearly impossible. Huge kudos to twin/triplet moms who can pull it off. I couldn't. Avery let me off the hook when she went on Nutra.migen at 10 weeks. If not for that, my supply would have surely dwindled months ago. I'm just tired of it. If I *were* breastfeeding, it might be a different story, but there is just no emotional attachment to a plastic thing stuck to my boob a few times a day.

But there is guilt. My sweet, sweet boy deserves the best and I'm just too tired to do it anymore. I know many wonderful, WONDERFUL moms who never breastfed, and I'm sure they love their kids as much as I love Connor.

I haven't firmly decided I'm done, but the fact that I haven't pumped since about 8 pm last night says alot. And I'm not engorged. That's how low my supply has gotten.

As for the twins, they are fantastic:) Little Avery is a powerhouse. She's been army crawling for a few weeks, and ready anytime to take off on all fours. Avery is all over, moving around like a little worm. I think Connor will be skipping the army crawl (Sophie did too), as he's definately trying to figure out the hands and knees thing.

They are both sitting independently, although Connor is probably a bit better than Avery. She is trying desperately to sit from a lieing down position.

Connor has 4 teeth, with a 5th to come soon. Avery is the slacker with just her two bottom teeth;)

Connor is my giggly boy; Avery is the cuddler. She is quick to cry, but relatively easy to sooth, at least with the tricks I have figured out. Connor is NOT a fusser, but when he does is almost inconsolable at times. This is probably because he usually only cries when something hurts; while Avery just has that mentality of "look at me, I'm crying, pick me up."

Their 9 month pedi appt is tomorrow so I'll know official stats then, but for now:
1) they are getting ready to move to size 4 diapers
2) Connor wears 6-9 or 9 month clothes; Avery is in 6 or 6-9
3) 4 bottles a day, about 30 oz of formula/breast milk
4) Two solids a day, usually a fruit and a veggie. Connor still has a pretty significant gag reflex so he doesn't do well with anything except really pureed foods. Avery loves food so much that she sucks it off the spoon, and gnaws the spoon with her teeth:)
5) Connor's hair is red, with the start of a wave/curl on top; Avery's brown hair has lightened alot and looks almost blonde.
6) Both still have blue eyes.


This was taken today:)

bottle strike!

It's officially a bottle strike. Yesterday, I got home from work and Sophie hadn't eaten since 8:30 (it was almost 5). Dan was frustrated, and had been trying to feed her to no avail. I thought I would have the magic mommy touch and she'd eat for me no problem. Not quite. She pushed the bottle out with her tongue, spit, gagged, everything imaginable to keep me from feeding her. Unfortunately, I had pumped right before I left work, which is what I always do b/c she typically eats her bottle about 3 pm. So, I tried to nurse her, with no luck. Although she jumped at the chance to nurse, she got fussy b/c there was no milk. This same thing happened several days ago, except that I was able to nurse right after she refused the bottle and all was well.

I googled a bit and one of the thoughts was that it might be teething. I suppose that could be true. But it just seems like the pattern with bottle usage has been going, going, gone. The new plan is for Dan to give Sophie 2 solids during the day, and then I'll take over all nursing duties. He is completely fine with this plan, since bottle feeding does not mesh well with his impatient personality.

We attempted the sippy cup last weekend, but she's not quite getting it yet. She grabbed with both hands, stuck it in her mouth and turned it up, but that was it. I'll try again next weekend. Hopefully she'll pick it up soon, so I don't feel like I'm her main source of food. I don't mind really, but it's odd to think that outside of work, I can't be away from her for more than 5 hours at a time. Quite honestly, I don't want to be away from her for that long, but the idea that I CAN'T be feels odd to me.

eating...

I don't blame this completely on starting solids, since it started happening before we introduced any, but Sophie is not a fan of the bottle anymore. If she's starving she'll eat, but if she's not, she'll just play with it and it just gets messy (and frustrating). When I came back to work, I left three 4-oz bottles with Dan. She always ate at least 2 of them, usually 3. Well, that turned into only eating 2, and now, she's eating her first bottle at about 3 pm (when I haven't fed her since 6 am). What's up with that?

Is this b/c of the introduction of solids? During the day, Dan feeds her one time, usually a fruit. The first few times he did this, he fed her the ENTIRE container "because she seemed hungry." This started the discussion we continue to go round and round about. That is, her primary source of nutrition until she's one should be breastmilk. He does NOT get it, although he's finally resigned himself to only giving her 1/3-1/2 of one container. But again, this decrease in bottle usage started before solids, so I can't contribute it all to that.

But, since this is the new pattern, I'm thinking about cutting down pumping at work from 2x a day to 1x. I don't think that will have any horrible repercussions on breastfeeding, will it? I mean, she eats 4 oz from a bottle a day (if that, sometimes she doesn't even finish), and when I pump 2x a day, I typically get 10-12 oz daily. That is only pumping about 10 minutes TOTAL daily, so I know I could get more if I put more time into it. So it seems to me, even if I cut one session, I am still pumping 1-3 more ounces than she needs, daily. Plus, I have oodles of frozen breastmilk at home. I think if I were to quit bfing right now, I would easily have a two week supply.

As far as the downside of cutting out a session, I'm worried for purely selfish reasons. 1) I'm afraid my weight will start to go back up and 2) that my period will start. Obviously, if we have any prayer of another baby, a period is a must, but at the same time it is SO nice without one!

3) I am absolutely petrified of the hormonal imbalance once weaning starts. The PPD I suffered was bad enough, and now I'm hearing that if you suffered from PPD that the weaning process can be just as bad. I don't know if I (or Dan) can handle that.

I don't know what to do. I need to think about it a bit more. I think also, cutting out a pumping session is another step closer to her "growing up," so I think I'm feeling similar to how I felt when she started solids. Why rush it if there is no need. I also hope it's not a snowball effect, and that if my body sees my cutting down sesssions, that it will start decreasing milk supply over all.

Don't get me wrong. Formula is not the end of the world for me, it really isn't. But I worked so hard, especially in the beginning with the clogged duct, then mastistis, then abscess, and now it's finally easy and I don't want to mess it up.

I'll take some time this weekend to think about it.

For fun, here's a pic of Sophia from last night--sorry for the booger hanging out of her nose:) I LOVE the onsie. It says "I'm a Miracle." It also has a matching hat that should be perfect for fall:) Dan's Aunt P sent it to her when she was just a few weeks old. I remember thinking how BIG it looked, and now, it fits her perfectly.