My Infertile World

Testing, testing...

2012-01-23T15:33:00.003-06:00

Is anyone out there, lol??!!! Probably not, and I don't blame them:)

Just checking it to say one of my New Year's resolutions (probably the only one) is to keep this blog afloat. I kicked myself when I stopped for a short period of time when Sophie was still a newborn, and here we are with 4.5 month old twins and I haven't updated in months.

I can't bring myself to read the last post I wrote, but I need to write another so I can have some sort of closure to that, in this blog at least.

What's important now is that we are all ok! Sophie is 25 months old, and simply fantastic, despite the temper tantrums that invade her body on a usually daily basis. Avery and Connor are 4.5 months old, and growing! He is almost 14 pounds and she's almost 13 pounds. Despite the fact that they seem huge to me, they are only about 10th percentile for weight.

All 3 babies deserve their own post, so I will work on that in the next few days.

Oh, and I am back to work today, after 6 months of leave. I had planned to return mid December, but then wasn't able to after my Bonnie died.

I will return soon:)

mother in law:(

2011-10-29T08:33:00.006-05:00

I started this post over a week ago. For probably obvious reasons I haven't been able to finish, so I'm posting it now. I know many of my friends have been curious, but have been too nice to ask what happened (thank you for that), so here goes.

These are the facts. I suppose the emotions will come later. I realize it ends abruptly, but I can't go any further with this right now.
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Dan's mom, Bonnie, died last weekend. I can't believe I just typed that. It was a complete shock, totally unexpected. She was only 68. Morbid as it might be, I need to get this out, to have it for my rememberence. It's part of my processing, so here goes.

Last Thursday, around 5:30, she fell at our house. Dan, Sophie and I were at the dining room table when I heard her yell help. I got to her just in time to see her fall on her back, her head bouncing on the hardwood floors. She had been holding Avery while trying to stand up. She somehow did a 180 because when I found her, her feet were at the chair and her head away from it. She knew she was falling and had thrown Avery in the pack n play, which was luckily right next to her.

Dan and I helped her up. She said that other than her neck and head hurting she was ok. She sat back in the chair for just a minute or so and then got up and grabbed her purse and newspaper to leave. I thought this was a bit odd. I expected her to want/need to rest longer than a minute or two. She was almost out the front door when she said "why am I taking this paper?" I told her it was her paper, than she had brought it with her that morning. She said "are you sure it's not yours?" She had no memory of bringing it with her. She lingered for a minute or so and then looked out the front door and asked "is that my car?" That's when I looked at Dan to see if he was listening, which he was.

We told her yes it was her car. She asked what day it was. I responded by saying "what day do you think it is" and she said she didn't know. I told her it was Thursday, and that tomorrow was Friday. I reminded her that Friday was her "maintainance" day, when she got her nails and hair done. She said "I don't get my nails done." Dan and I looked at each other again. She has gotten her nails done weekly for as long as I can remember, at least since she retired several years ago.

I asked her if she wanted to go to the ER. She said no. We talked a bit more. She knew who she was and where she wss, so that made me feel a bit better. We went through a few more questions that she couldn't answer. I said to her several more times "please let us take you to the ER, or at least urgent care." SHe still said no.

I wouldn't let her drive home. Dan took her and we dropped off her car the next day. I made him leave a note for her to call her doctor when she woke up on Friday.

On Friday, she called Dan late morning to let us know she had talked to dr, who said it sounded like she had a concussion, but there was no need to see him unless she felt she needed to. She didn't. he gave her a script for Vicodin. I asked him how her memory was and he said it was ok, but he didn't really ask her anything for us to judge her memory. We didn't talk to her the rest of the day.

On Saturday morning, about 10:30, she came over unannounced and asked if we needed her help that day. I was in the bedroom feeding babies but heard Dan tell her that we'd love her help. I heard her go in the family room with Sophie and then heard her in the kitchen making some odd noises, not grunts really, but just odd. I later found out from Dan that she had been trying to get Sophie some juice. She went to the microwave (thinking it was the fridge) and tried to open it. She couldn't. She couldn't find the button to open it. She went to the wrong drawer to get her sippy cup (she knows where we keep them).

A few minutes after I heard the odd noises, which in hindsight must have been her frustration at not being able to open the microwave, she came to see me in the bedroom. I asked how she was feeling. She tried to talk. Her mouth opened and she tried to talk but only odd noises were coming out. She was finally able to say "well if I could talk." Then said "I think it would be better if I went home and got in my own bed." I told her that she knew best and she knew what she needed to do. She said "not always" and smiled. Then, she turned around and left.

I had assumed, most likely incorrectly, that her inabililty to speak was from possible over-medication with the Vicodin. I looked at Dan and told him she didn't need to be driving, and that I was shocked she had made it to our house at all.

We didn't hear from her anymore that day, or the next day. We were busy preparing for/hosting my sisters baby shower so didn't have time to give it much thought.

When we woke up on MOnday morning I told him that he should call her to check in. He hadn't gotten the chance when his phone rang. I could tell from the way he answered the phone that it was his mom. But then I heard him say "this is her younger son." At that point, I assumed it was either her dr or the ER calling us. By this point I was in front of him, trying to figure out what was being said on the other end of the phone. Then Dan said "that's ok. you're only doing your job. I'll be right there.

He hung up and I asked him what happened. he said "mom is dead. I have to go ID the body." My head immediately started spinning. I was holding Connor so luckily didn't faint. In quite a dramatic fashion I'm sure, I told him that I was going with him, that he shouldn't go alone. While trying to put his shoes on he attempted to talk me down from a ledge, reminding me that we have 3 babies to take care of. I told him we'd pack them all up and take them too...not thinking about Sophie and how she did NOT need to be a part of this.

So, he went by himself to his mom's house just 2 miles away and ID'd her dead body.

1 week later...

2011-10-18T13:38:00.003-05:00

we're still here...still surviving.

Thanks to those who suggested babies might have a dairy allergy. We had a pedi appt the day after my last post, and it appears that may be the problem. I brought up reflux, but pedi poo-poo-ed that idea. She suggested I cut out dairy and see what happens.

So, almost a week later, this milk drinking, CHEESE EATING girl is dairy free. I've cut out all obvious dairy, milk, cheese, yogurt, etc. I am guilty of some of the hidden dairy in recipes, but I have to start somewhere. The gassiness and fussiness seems to be less. Still there, but definately less. More spitting, more tooting, but less tightness in abdomen for sure. I'm still caffeine free as well, except for the Coke I got at McD's today, along with my cheese-less quarter pounder (do NOT recommend:().

And, apparently I've been starving them, which could also be some of the fussiness! The few days prior to the appt I noticed both of them chewing on their fingers at times. Dr. R gave the ok to increase their feeding amount, so we went from 75 to 90 ml's. A few days after that, I noticed Avery still seemed hungry, so I upped her to 100 ml's, just a bit more than 3 oz.

Otherwise the 1 month appt was good. Both babies weighed 7 pounds, which we were thrilled with. Hard to believe they STILL aren't as big as Sophie when she was born.

In more dr news, we had an ultrasound done of their hips today, which was recommended due to 1) the family history of hip dysplasia (Sophie) and 2) the fact that they were both breech. Those results will be sent to the pedi, who will let us know how they look, I guess. The u/s tech seemed extremely knowledgable but I knew she couldn't tell us anything, so didn't even bother to ask.

I'm in the process of trying to stretch them to 3.5 or 4 hours between feeds. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. They still typically wake at about the 3 hour mark, but I seems they wake from gassiness/discomfort, not necessarily hunger.

Here are a few current pics!
This is how we've been rolling in the morning. Babies are starting to stay awake after feedings, especially in the morning, so I do what I can to keep them stimulated. Avery especially loves to look at herself in the mirror---typical girl, right??? This one was after a 7 am feeding I think. Sophie of course wants in on the action so I have to find a way to include her. In this pic I had just asked her to put the package of diapers into the diaper bin. I don't think any actually made it into the bin;)

I love both of these. I actually think they resemble each other:)

We're here. We're home

2011-10-07T16:25:00.002-05:00

We actually brought the twins home THREE weeks ago, when they were 10 days old. It's taken me this long to sit down to write. What I should be writing about is their coming home day, but what I really need to get out is the HELL that has broken out in the last 48 hours.

I don't know what happened. Two nights ago, I got three 30 minute stretches of sleep, plus 1.5 hours from 6:30 until 8 am, when Sophie woke up. Avery and Connor were up all night. When when calmed down, the other woke. Vice versa. It wasn't just a matter of being awake, but they were screaming. In pain.

Avery has been more fussy from the beginning, so it through me for a curve when Connor joined in. Last night was just ridiculous.

We fed them at 9, and before 10 Avery was screaming again. I couldn't make her stop. We tried gas drops, we tried more burping. Everything. Finally, I brought her into bed with me. YES! I know it's wrong. I was watching TV though, and she finally passed out on my stomach. Sophie was also in bed with me, and would not stay still. She slept in every imaginable position. I finally drifted to sleep, hearing Dan's snores coming from the family room. I woke up to Avery's snot bubble nose, in and out, in and out. The options were to continue to listen to the snot bubbles, or risk getting up (thus, waking her up), to find the battery operated snot snucker that she loves (NOT) so much. Obviously, I opted to not move.

I never did really go to sleep, paranoid that something would happen to Avery. About midnight, I looked over and I saw Sophie falling off of our KING size bed onto the HARD wood floor. I saw it, but I couldn't stop it. She fell HEAD first, shrieking. I moved as fast as I could, putting Avery down and getting to Sophie. She jumped on me like a little monkey and wouldn't let go. It was dark, so my assessment of her injuries was minimal. I finally realized that not only did I need feel any blood, I also didn't feel any tears. I think it just scared the crap out of her, as it did me.

Finally after their 3 am feeding, I swaddled both babies, which seemed to help.

I'm going on NO sleep. I have no idea what is wrong with them. I have been drinking a fair amount of caffeine, so have officially cut that out of my diet in the event that it is upsetting their bellies. If that doesn't work, I don't know what else to try.

Is this colic?? Not officially, according to the medical definition, but we are getting there.

The NICU

2011-09-15T16:01:00.012-05:00

Last night, I thought back to the hospital tour we took prior to having Sophie. They walked us by the newborn nursery where we were able to ogle over the beautiful little newborns. We were shown the outside of the NICU, but the windows were covered, and it seemed like such a solemn, sick place. I remember thinking thank goodness we won't have to be in there.

Fast forward less than 2 years, and here we are. But it's not nearly as bad as I expected, perhaps because my babies aren't among the "sickest of the sick."

For the past 9 days, I have seen most of the babies admitted since ours, come and go. Not many stay here, they are usually out in a day or two. Thankfully, I haven't seen any super sick babies either. I think we officially win for the babies that have been here the longest.

The nurses that work here are amazing. They have such peaceful souls. You can tell they enjoy being here, and have a way about them that really soothes a scared parent.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is discharge day.

Here's our little spot. Avery is to the left, Connor to the right. They are both hooked up to monitors. They each have a fridge where I can store pumped milk. I feel really good that they've only gotten super minimal formula. My body seems to be keeping up with their demand.

This is where I've been sitting for the past 8 days. They eat every 3 hours, around the clock, and I've been able to be here for each of their 11 am, 2 pm, 5 pm feedings. Basically, this is where I've been camped out for 7 hours a day. I haven't questioned it, because why would I NOT be here? BUT, I'm so thankful that our time is almost done here. I want my babies home!

a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ERB8BtGc2Fw/TnJo5-PQSyI/AAAAAAAAArU/955u0Pq7Bbo/s1600/Twins%2Bbirthday%2B061.jpg">

Today, they each weight 5 lbs 3 oz. Most of the pics I've taken and sent to people, or put on facebook make them look like regular little babies. But, when you unswaddle them, these are the skinny little chicken legs that I've talked about.
This is Miss Avery. They are both wearing newborn diapers, but they are still big on them!!

The days after...

2011-09-10T19:47:00.002-05:00

Avery and Connor have made fantastic progress. Their respiratory issues were fairly easy to get under control. On Thursday, they made it out of the critical part of the NICU. On Friday morning, they graduated to open cribs, mainly because they appear to be maintaining their temps fairly easily.

They are still hooked up to an IV, mainly until they are up to their full feeds. Once their little bellies can handle the amount of food the docs say is appropriate, they'll lose the IVs. This could happen as soon as tomorrow.

On Thurs morning Connor had an apnic episode, which the docs said might add 5-7 days to his stay, but luckily he's had no more.

From Thursday to Friday they both lost more weight and were each down to 5 lbs 4 ozs. From Fri to Sat, they lost more and now each weight 5 lbs 3 oz. The dr says we'll most likely see one more drop in weight, until they are up to their full feeds.

I was able to do skin to skin with them on Tues night, and then again today.

I started pumping about 24 hours after they were born. Yesterday, I pumped SEVEN oz. Holy milk, batman!!! But then today, my supply has not been so great. However, I was able to breastfeed them both 3 times today. They latched on, which apparently is a HUGE deal at this gestational age. I feel really good about that, and am now on the pumping every 2.5 hour schedule. Fun times are here again;)

My babies are just so tiny, although I know in the whole scheme of things they are not. They both have the same little chicken legs that Sophie had when she was born. But theirs are even more skinny and chickenish, lol. Lots of wrinkles in their arms and legs. Lots of peach fuzz all over their body. Their fingers and toes look like all skin and bones. Their eyes don't even look real. They both have a decent amount of hair though...Avery's is most definately brown and Connor's is blondish to strawberry blond. Connor looks like a male version of Sophie, meaning he looks just like Dan, lol. I think Avery may actually resemble me. Only time will tell, I guess.

Leaving...

2011-09-10T19:34:00.004-05:00

First, I am home. Without my babies. My insurance only approves 4 days hospital stay with a c-section, so they kicked me out:(

I was completely fine until I talked to Dan about 1:30 today, asking him what time he planned to pick me up. He basically left it up to me, and we decided on 3:30, which would give me time to help with one more (2 pm) feeding. Once I had the timeline in my head, I lost it.

I went to the NICU shortly after talking with Dan, at which time our nurse asked me how I was. Needless to say, tears. Lots and lots and LOTS of tears. Along with ugly face, blubbering, snotty hyper-ventilation. Apparently they are used to this, because she pulled the curtains around our little area, handed me a box of kleenex, told me they refer to this day as "kleenex day" and gave me a hug. Which made me cry harder. I sat down in "my" chair (I've already found my favorite in the NICU), between my two babies and tried to pull myself together. Thankfully I was able to, until I heard Dan's voice, letting me know that my time was short.

Dan does not get it, but I don't expect him to. He keeps saying "they are in the best place possible." He doesn't understand that I realize that, and I agree. It's not that I think they are not being cared for, it's simply that I'm leaving them. And, I suspect there's also a touch of guilt when I think about how badly I wanted them to be born b/c I was so miserable. But then, I check myself with the reminder that I *did* go into labor on my own. They were ready to make an appearance, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

So, I left my babies. My two little babies that now weigh just over 5 pounds each. Little Avery who looks like a tiny bird when she eats, and Connor who has already stolen my heart. My friends know that I have been afraid of having a boy, not knowing what to expect. I was afraid, and hestitant, but now that he's here I would wish for nothing but him.

I will be there beating down the NICU doors at 11 am tomorrow:)

September 6, 2011...

2011-09-07T18:52:00.008-05:00

our family became complete:)

Went off the meds on Sunday at 11 am...at 10:50 on Tues we were scheduling my c-section. I'd say Dr. P knows what he's talking about.

The birth story...
Monday night I started having timeable contrax. Specifically, I had 24 in two hours. I remember thinking surely this is not right...these can't all be contrax. So, I remember deciding to tell my nurse that I had 20 in two hours, thinking that sounded a bit more reasonable, lol. I already knew that I wasn't going to hospital that night, because I was SO afraid they'd just fill me full of meds and send me home. About 9:30 I took a Tylenol PM which put me in that haze, but I still continued to wake from the contrax. I think I finally fell asleep about midnight, but was up every 1 1/2 hours to pee. As the night went on, I kept getting more and more uncomfortablE. I had alot of pelvic pressure and also alot of pressure in my butt, weirdly enough.

Towards morning, I had to make the decision to go to triage or not. I SO did not want to be one of those girls that goes for every little thing. Dan woke up about 8:30, and I was still debating what to do. At about 8:45 I just said "I think I need you to take me to the hospital." Surprisingly, lol, he didn't roll his eyes, assuming it was a false alarm. It was like we both just knew.

Once on L & D, I was in line behind a woman who had been sent up from her OB office for high blood pressure. When it was my turn, I think I just said "I'm just not feeling right." It sounded so wimpy, lol, but it was true.

They got me hooked up to monitor where I discovered that yes indeed my contrax count had been right the night before, as I was still contracting every TWO minutes. Know wonder I didn't feel right!!

The nurse basically said that whether they would give me meds to stop contrax or not would depend on dilation. That really bummed me out, b/c Dr. S couldn't even REACH my cervix on Friday. Well, turns out I was dilated to and 75% effaced. This was about 10:15. Holy crap!

So, they called down to Dr. S who told them to book the OR for 11 am. HOLY CRAP!! I've never seen nurses move so quickly, lol:) In the end, I have no idea what time the c-section actually began, but Avery Quinn was born at 12:01, and her brother, Connor Daniel, just a minute later at 12:02.

Prior to the drama of the OR, I did feel a pang of regret that I hadn't said good-bye to Sophie. I mean, I'd said goodbye to her when we got to day care, but I didn't get a chance to really say good bye to our little family of three. I cried.

We had such great care. Each baby had a team of 5 doctors/nurses taking care of them, and I had several taking care of me. Avery immediately needed some help in the breathing dept, and was taken to the NICU almost immediately. Connor did well initially and they even brought him in the room with us, but he starting "singing" so the nurse had NICU come do an eval, and off he went too...

They are staying next to each other in the NICU, and doing better each time I see them. Right now, they are on IV's only. All C Paps and cannulas were turned off today and both seem to be tolerating well. Once we get past the respiratory issues, the next hurdle is making sure they can maintain their temp, and then lastly, making sure they are feeding ok.

I've started pumping and am managing to get a bit of colustrum each time.

I feel like I know them already. we had so many u/s towards the end, and it got to the point where I knew who was moving (although never really figured out what body part was moving, lol). It's different to know them as outside babies. Yesterday was traumatic for them of course, and they are so sleepy...not the happy go luckily constantly moving babes that we inside of me so recently. I didn't get to really hold Avery until about 8 hours after she was born. Then, I got lucky and they let me do skin to skin with her. Fabulous:)

For now, Avery has brown hair and Connor has blonde-strawberry blonde. I definately think he's going to look like Dan or Sophie. They look similar to Sophie, but they REALLY resemble each other. Sort of like a male/female version of each other.

Some pics...
Avery

Connor

Dan hanging out with Connor (Avery had already been whisked away)

Brother/sister on their birthday:)

Triage: Take 2

2011-09-02T21:25:00.002-05:00

Wed about 5:30 pm I started noticing more frequent contrax. In the first hour I had 6, and then in the next 20 minutes I had 4 more, followed up by more over the next 40 minutes. There was no debate on whether to go. I gave Dan updates along the way, and he was ready before I was, lol.

My biggest fear was getting there and being told that I wasn't having contrax, that it was gas or something. Well, after getting hooked up to the monitor I was most definately having them, and according to the monitor some were pretty hard.

They gave me a shot of terb, and a niphedipine, and monitored for an hour. At that time, I was still borderline, at 6 an hour. So they watched for another 30 minutes and same thing. They gave another shot of terb which seemed to finally do the trick.

We got home about 1 am. I was really hoping they would keep me, and really upset that they kept giving me meds, knowing that I am supposed to stop all meds on Sunday anyway.

We saw Dr. S today who was shocked about the 38 week c-section date, but understood after I told her the reasoning. SHe told me to get a letter from Dr. P, and his recommendation, as a high risk doc, would override the Chief. No dilation today.

I have been losing mucous plug over last few days. Happy for that, at least it's progress.

It's getting to the point that I can't really work from home anymore. Sitting is horribly uncomfortable. But lying down is not much better. the further I get, the more all I want to do is stay in bed, but that is taking it's toll on my bones and muscles. I am sore constantly. Everywhere.

Going off the meds on Sunday and I will just CRY if this does not kick start something. please, plesse.

the plan (and then a change to the plan)

2011-08-29T21:42:00.003-05:00

Dan and I went to see Dr. P on Friday. Prior to the appt, I needed to get an ultrasound, which turned out to be the most detailed (and painful) u/s I've ever had. We walked in and the asked what time the appt was with Dr. P. When I told her she said "you'll be late." Huh? These appts usually take 15 minutes. Apparently, he had ordered a bio-physical u/s, which I had never heard of. It requires observing each baby do 2 gross motor movements, 1 fine motor movement and have an episode of "practice" breathing. All this, on top of the usual cervical check and fetal growth check.

We had Sophie with us, so Dan left to take her to day care, knowing she would NOT last for an hour, nor would he, lol. I didn't like the tech, so that didn't help, but I was SO extremely uncomfortable. She didn't seem too sympathetic to my cause, talking under her breath about why Dr P didn't have his own tech do this. Lovely. I finally had to almost faint to get her to let me move into another position.

Long story short, babies both looked good, although B did not do the practice breathing while being observed. Dr. P was not worried in the least. In his office, they did an NST scan, where they measure the babies heartbeats and my contractions. That all looked good too!

So, we started talking delivery:) He was much less optimistic about Baby A (still breech) turning than he was two weeks ago. He also mentioned that hours of labor, after this much time on bedrest would really affect my body post delivery. Bottom line: it would be a bitch. I told him my recovery with Sophie was not good at all, and that I didn't feel like myself until 5 weeks post partum. He said a twin c-section would probably leave me feeling the same way.

He confirmed that I am to stop all meds this Sunday. He suggested that that appt be the last appt with him. Basically, he thinks I'll deliver before I had a chance to see him again. I talked him into one more appt, just for my own mental health, and that will be on Spet 7, two days after stopping meds.

I called Dr. S's office to check on c-section date, since no one had called. They didn't have one, so I called back today and was given a date that is equivilant to 38w 1d. I was beyond upset. I found out the reasoning is the Chief of OBGYN at the hospital will not approve a twin c-section before this time. Grrrrrrrr. Honestly, I don't think it will get to that point, but the idea of waiting 28 more days is just more than I can take.

I'm DONE being pregnant. DONE. I.am.miserable. I haven't picked up Sophie in almost 2 months. I can't do anything around the house. Lying in bed just HURTS at this point. My sides ache all night long, b/c they are taking all the pressure since I can't sleep on belly or back. Most of my pants don't fit anymore. I'm hardly ever hungry b/c there is no room, but when I DO eat, I get nasty reflux. I can't sit up straight in the car, I have to lie back gangsta style, lol. My pelvic bone feels like it's going to split in two. I sneezed the other day and I swear my skin was going to tear. I could go on, and on.

And really, I HATE to complain about this. If I were reading this 2 years ago I would be pissed at myself, complaining like this. I worked so hard to get to this point and now all I can do is bitch.

So what did I do? I took a shower and had a good cry. And then I put on my big girl panties (and trust me, pun intended!), and tried to put on a better attitude.

But, I am miserable.

Updates and plans

2011-08-22T21:39:00.002-05:00

I meant to post last Tues night, after my appt with Dr. P...but you know how that goes. At that appt, and at today's appt with Dr. S, we started making plans. Not necessarily the plans I want, but plans none the less.
1) Per Dr. P (I'd just really like to call him the Wizard of Oz!!), I will stop the Indocin this Wednesday. We're at the point where it's more of a risk to babies than a benefit.

2) While Wed is my last day of that, it's my first day of oral Turbutaline. This one scares me a bit. So far, I've had it via IV and via sub-q injection. The latter was much more managable; the IV administration left my heart feeling like it was going to jump out of my chest. Dr. P assured me this was normal, and I should have even less side effects with pills than with the sub-q. Let's hope so. I have to check my pulse prior to taking it, and if it's 110 or higher, I have to wait 30 minutes to take it. I will start out on Wed at 3 times a day, and then starting Thursday, I'll be taking it 6 times a day, in conjuction with the Niphedine.

3) Dr. P was really thrilled that I made it to 32 weeks. Apparently this was a big hurdle to accomplish, and I did it. He mentioned some stats that neurologically, at 1, 3, 5 years of age, a 32 weeker looks no different than a 36 weeker. I hate to say it, but once I heard that, I thought "ok, let's just get this show on the road." Thankfully, the docs won't let me be selfish.

4) As of last Tues I was measuring 40 weeks. He told me, SERIOUSLY, that he'd like to see me measure 50 weeks. FIFTY. Really? My stomach is so tight right now it's ridiculous, it seriously feels like a rock. Dr. P says it's my abdominal wall.

5) Baby A is STILL breach, although she's moved from her little ball. Now, both of their heads are in my ribs, and their feet are hanging out below belly button. The u/s tech got a shot of their little heads so close together...looked like they were conspiring already;)

6) Weights were ok last week, but this week took a huge leap. Baby A is 4 pounds 11 oz, and B is 5 pounds 4 oz. Seems impossible there is 10 pounds of baby in there, not to mention the weight of placenta, fluid, etc. No wonder I'm exhausted!!

5) The big news of the appt was that he gave the suggestion/decision that we would schedule induction or c-section for 37 weeks. He confirmed he wouldn't make me go any further:)

I saw Dr. S today who was also extremely pleased with the progress. It was the shortest appt we've had in awhile, lol! She also mentioned scheduling c-section at 37 weeks. No mention of induction. I've known there might be an "induction struggle" since the beginning. Should Baby A turn and be born vaginally, she does not want to risk any issues with Baby B. Further, she doesn't want me to have a double recovery, which I *do* get. But you better bet I'll stand my ground if Baby A does turn.

I'm really trying to come to terms with a c-section, I am, but I'm not happy. I'm not scared, or worried. It's not that. I think women that ask for an elective c-section are no more crazy than I am, wanting a vaginal delivery. I think maybe it's that I know this will be the last time I will be pregnant. This is it, and I wanted to experience labor again. Yes, I realize I'm a masochist, lol:) I wanted the anticipation of not being fully aware of how it will go. I don't want to be told "arrive at 9 am and we'll take you to the OR by 10 am." I don't want to know ahead of time that these babies will be born at 10:15. Plus, I have the irrational and probably unsubstantiated idea that if I have a c-section, it will be harder for the weight to come off, and more importantly, harder to breastfeed. I feel like if I don't have a vaginal delivery, my body won't know that it's time to start producing milk.

Or maybe by now I am just genuinely crazy. Who knows. All I know is if Dan mentions "we're going to have a c-section" one more time, I'm going to slap him. Hard. In the face. First of all, really? They're going to take a knife to HIS abdomen, and then pull out HIS insides to get the babies out? I think not. Secondly, ever since Dr. S put the thought in our mind that it could very well be a c-section, he has grabbed on to that idea and won't let it go. I'm so TIRED of arguing with him about it. He thinks it's because I'm scared. Again, that's not it, but he's never stopped to ask why, and quite honestly (as a man), would most likely not understand anyway. That's why I haven't wasted too much breath on it.

I'm really just glad there is an end in sight. I've wondered all along how long they would let me go, but our conversations never got that far b/c of all the difficulties I've had. It's nice to be able to say "no more than 4 weeks left," but at the same time I'd really like to go into labor on my own. With all the crazy anti-contraction meds i'll be on though, I don't know how that is even possible. Maybe my water will break??

32 weeks

2011-08-14T22:39:00.002-05:00

I honestly can't believe we made it this far!!! Each day, I feel better and better about babies coming early, if indeed that will happen. We almost went to L & D on Friday night. Dr. P's "rule" is 4-6 contrax per hour, for 2 hours in a row=L & D. Well, hour 1 I had 6. Hour 2, I had 2 and then fell asleep. I couild have had more while sleeping, but I woke up feeling ok.

And because a few people have had qusetions about this...the contrax don't necessarily hurt...so it IS possible to have them while sleeping and not be woken. In my case, it is more of a tightening as far as feeling goes, but it will register on the machine as a contrax. That's just the way my body works I guess. The contrax are what causes the cervix to shorten, so I'm more than a bit concerned about my Dr. P appt on Tues.

How far along: 32 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 30 pounds, and that's if I'm wearing heavy clothes. I've lost weight the past few weeks.

Maternity clothes: Um, duh! I am mostly in size L. I can still do medium tops, but the pants pretty much have to be large.

Stretch marks: Knocking on wood as I type this, but NO. And yes, I still analyize the belly each morning.

Sleep: As good as it can be for now. I have to stay up until 11 to take my meds. Then, I set my alarm for 3 am, and then again for 7 am. Luckily, I can usually fall back to sleep very easily after the 3 am meds.

Best moment last week: Getting sent home from triage:)

Movement: Baby B is a mover and shaker. He is ALL over the place, seriously. Baby A is more "chill". I feel her move, but not nearly as much as her brother.

Food cravings: No major cravings right now. If anything, I'd have to say sweets.

Gender: Boy and Girl!!

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: Still an innie. How that is possible, I don't know. It is *this* close to popping out.

Other random yuckiness: Being hydrated means I pee all.the.time. Sometimes every 15 minutes or so. Not yucky really, but not fun.

What I miss: Being able to pick up/carry Sophie:(

What I am looking forward to: each day that the babies are inside.

Taken today at 32 weeks:)

Good follow-up:)

2011-08-11T20:18:00.004-05:00

I was so nervous for today's appt. It was scheduled for 11, but at 9:30 they called to tell me that Dr. S wouldn't be in and was it ok to see the nurse practitioner. My immediate response was yes, but then I thought about it and wondered what an NP was going to do for me. So, I called back and asked if Dr. R, the OB that took care of me while Dr. S was on vacation(and I was in in hospital) was available. Turns our, Dr. S WAS able to come in in the afternoon, so they just moved me to her schedule thankfully.

We decided to go out to lunch prior to appt. On the way, I was just SO depressed, miserable. I just felt so defeated, and wondered how I was going to keep on dealing with this. Not a great mood to be in as I headed to the dr.

AFter weighing me, they took me straight back to be monitored for contrax. I was SO freaking nervous. I am officially petrified of that machine, which seems to tell me all the things going on that I can't feel. BUT, after 30 minutes of monitoring things looked good. Not one contrax, and the uterine irritabilty was almost non-existent.

Dr. S came in and told me she was proud of me, so I knew it was good news after that. She asked how the increase in meds were making me feel. I had a feeling it was a loaded question...which it was. My first comment was that the contrax had significantly decreased since the doubling and increase in frequency of Niphedipine had been ordered. Then, I also told her they were making me loopy and very sleepy, and that I was now spending most of my time in bed, whereas a week ago I would at least alternate between bed, couch, chair. Now, I have no motivation to get up. She just smiled and said "yes, it does that too." I think in her mind this increase was also confirmation to her that I really am slowing down.

The Q and A of the appt.
1) Do I need to keep taking meds round the clock (i.e. every four hours)? It was an adamant yes. She went on to say that my body is just one that needs the constant meds. She said usually this only happens in first pregnancies, and the only reason she can think that it's happening to me is because of my small frame. Basically, my body is done, and the great weights of the babies are only validating that thought.

2) Is hospital bedrest inevitable? Her answer was no, but that I should expect a few short stays between now and "the end."

3) What is the goal? I asked this, b/c on Tues she mentioned 36 weeks, but prior to that she talked about 34 week, as did Dr. P. Her response was 36 weeks, and when I brought up the fact that Dr. P had suggested taking me off meds at 34 weeks, she explained that only one of the meds (Indocin) would be stopped at that time. This is the one that tends to reduce amniotic fluid. I will stay on Niphedine, which stops the contrax, until 36 weeks, should I make it that far.

I think there were more questions, but these were the biggies.

So, next appt next Tues with Dr. P. Hoping for a very uneventful 5 days between now and then.

Triage:(

2011-08-10T22:02:00.002-05:00

Time for a little update.

Dan and I went to OB appt on Tuesday. I felt great, have been doing well, so assumed there would be no major drama. WRONG.

As usual, we started out with an ultrasound, that started really well. Baby A is measuring 3 pounds 14 oz and B is 3 pounds 15 oz. Great weights, and it's great that they are sticking so closely together, weight wise.

Baby A is still breach, and Baby B is currently head down with his head on my left side and feet in my ribs. A's heartrate continues to be in the 130's and B's in the 150's.

Sidenote: I'm really thinking that (at least in utero) A has my personality and B has Dan's. A has been curled in up in her little ball, just chilling for the last several weeks. She moves around a bit, but NOTHING like B, lol. He is ALL over the place, and his butt is is usually sticking out of my belly:) He is MUCH more active than A.

The u/s started going downhill when she checked my cervical length. Last week, it was a 43 and this week it is down to a 26 DESPITE all the meds Im taking. Dr. S checked me and I'm still dilated to 1, so no progress there thankfully. She asked me if I was having contrax and I said no. She had me get on a monitor anyway, which showed one contrax in about 20 minutes, but lots of uterine irritability.

So, she sent us "upstairs" to try some meds to calm down my uterus. We went to triage, where they gave me an IV to help hydrate me, as well as a shot of terbutiline to help relax my ute. After a few hours, it was back to normal so luckily I got to go home.

I have an follow-up with Dr. S tomorrow. I'm not really sure what she's going to do though? No u/s scheduled, and I doubt she will check for dilation again. Maybe another FFN test? I'm pretty clueless, unless it is to "talk" more about bedrest, blah, blah.

I do have several questions for her that I didnt get to ask on Tues, so we'll see I guess. Fingers crossed that I will be sleeping in my own bed tomorrow night!

specialist appt today

2011-08-02T22:16:00.004-05:00

Today, I had an ultrasound, and then my first out-patient visit with Dr. P. Both Dan and I assumed I'd be admitted. Since meeting Dr. P two weeks ago, we've talked with several of his previous patients and they have ALL had some sort of hospital bedrest, ordered by him.

However, the u/s was great. Babies look good. Baby A is STILL way low and still breech, hanging out in what feels like my hip area. Obviously she can't be that low, but that is what it feels like. Her heartrate was 138. Baby B is ALL over my upper right quadrant, Head in my ribs, butt on my left side and feet up by my lungs. How is that even possible??? Heart rate was about 150.

The GREAT news is that my cervix was measuring 43. So, a slight change from last week, but still very normal. Slight funneling still, but he wasn't worried. Dr. P thinks I'll have no problem making it to 34 weeks.

Things we learned today.
1) Indocin, one of the main meds I'm taking to stop contrax will most likely be stopped at about 34 weeks. At that point, the risk to babies outweighs the benefits, all having to do with lowering the amniotic fluid.

2) 50% of women go into labor in the 34 hours after they stop their meds.

3) Babies born at 35 weeks have a 50% chance of going home with parents.

So, the important topic for our next visit, which will be at 32w2days is when to stop the meds. As of today, he thinks all can be stopped at 34 weeks and we'll see what happens.

The important topic for my next visit with OB is delivery method, and if my OB is comfortable attempting a vaginal delivery if Baby B is breech at the time of delivery. Obviously, if Baby A is breach at delivery time we HAVE to do a C Section. I'm not thrilled with this at all, and just hope there is enough time for her to get in the right position. Dr. P was NOT a proponent of Baby A vaginal and Baby B c-section. I said "yeah, that seems like a double whammy as far as recovery" and he said "it's much more than a double whammy" but didn't really expand, and I was not ready to have that conversation.

So, here I am at 30w2d, measuring 38 weeks (yikes). I've lost about 4 pounds, which I'm assuming is probably just lost muscle from the bedrest. STILL no stretch marks (fingers crossed)! I can lighten up the bedrest a bit, but he said a trip to Target was "too ambitious":(

hospitalized (Sophie, not me)...

2011-08-02T21:55:00.003-05:00

We have an official diagnosis of asthma, for Sophie:(

Friday late morning she developed a cough and a runny nose. Runny is actually an understatement. I could not keep it wiped, and when she sneezed, well it was everywhere. I assumed she was getting sick. Makes sense, right?

It got worse as the day progressed, and Fri night was torture trying to get her to sleep. In the back of my mind, I was thinking about the night before her first hospital admission, and how I'd stayed up with her all night. It did occur to me this could be another episode of "whatever that was" but because there was SO much congestion in her nose, I ruled it out. She was coughing, but not much.

Saturday morning we woke up around 8 (Sophie in bed with us), and discovered that she has started the belly breathing and had some retrations in her neck area. Dan made the call to give her Albuteral, but we couldn't find her Asthma Action Plan they had given us when we were discharged the first time. I assumed it was in a box that we had yet unpacked, just a single piece of paper. Dan dug and dug and found it, thankfully.

At that point, she was somewhere in the middle of the yellow and red zones. According to that plan, we were able to give her 4 puffs of Albuteral in an hour. So we gave her a 2nd dose, and then waited 30 minutes. No improvement (but no worse), so we gave her a 3rd and 4th dose. We both decided on the ER at pretty much the same time, but neither of us really felt it was all that urgent. She was lethargic yes, but her breathing wasn't horrible. Honestly, I don't know what the hell we were waiting on...she needed to go.

I got in the shower, knowing that an ER trip would most likely last all day. I'm uncomfortable enough as it is, so at least wanted to be clean, lol. As soon as I turned the water off, Dan is yelling "we need to go to the ER NOW." I walked into our bedroom, where she is lying on the bed, breathing very clearly worse than when I got in the shower.

Long story short...They did a 5 minute Albuteral treatment (via nebulizer) as soon as we got there. It helped, but her respirations were still high and it was clear she was having trouble breathing. They did a chest X ray to rule out pneumonia (negative) and did the nasal swab to test for viruses (normal). She got a dose of prednisone also. Finally, the did a 20 minute Albuteral treatment, and decided to admit her. The treatment improved things, but she was still having trouble. And, the ER docs were definately playing it safe after her quick downward spiral last time, that landed her in the PICU.

She got started on Albuteral treatments every 2 hours, then weaned to every 3, and then every 4. Their protocol is that she has to respond well to two every 4 hour treatments to be a candidate for discharge. Luckily, she got there quite quickly, and we were sent home Sunday afternoon.

Our pedi's partner came to visit on Sunday morning. I asked if it was asthma, and she said yes. She said it's almost impossible to dx asthma after one occurance, but now that we've had two, and she presented very similarly both times (and responded to the same treatment both times), then yes it was asthma. She asked if there'd been any triggers lately and neither of us could think of any. That's the scary part.

We were sent home with 3 days of prednisone (let me tell you how fun THAT is!), albuteral via inhaler every 4 hours for 7 days, and she's back on the Flovent that she had previously been weaned from, 2 puffs in the AM and PM.

Luckily, despite all the stress...I was able to stay with her, and got almost complete bedrest while we were there.

Great news on Monday:)

2011-07-28T08:32:00.003-05:00

First, I should say that we almost missed the u/s appt. Appt was at 8 am, I woke up at 7:10 and was so dazed (hello Ambien??) that it took me awhile to gather myself. Then, I had to wake up Sophie and Dan, who were both o.u.t.

We made it with 5 minutes to spare. The u/s tech instructed me to lie down, to which I said "aren't you doing a cervical check?" I had anticipated her telling me to get undressed from the waist down. According to the order, it was only a growth scan, but I pushed and pushed until she called OB office and did get permission to do cervical check.

As usual, babies are great. For the last two weeks, Baby A has been hanging out in the LOWER righ quadrant, and is currently breech. When I said LOWER, I swear she is in my hip, lol. Baby B is in upper left quadrant, and I assume the reason for my reflux.

Baby A was measuring 3.1 pounds, and B was 3 pounds, so growth-wise they are great.

Cervical length had DOUBLED!! A week ago it was 20, and Monday it was 47. Seems like the medication cocktail from Dr. P has done the trick.

Then, we killed time until 10:45 for appt with Dr. R (filling in for my OB while she's on vacation). She was thrilled with improvement, and did another internal exam which showed I was still dilated to 1.

Next week, we see Dr. P again. I asked Dr. R about his desire for hospital bedrest, and that he had wanted that for me last week. Her response was "yes, we talked about that" which leads me to believe he probably shared his feelings, but she held strong to letting me go home. Bottom line, Dan and i are expecting a possible hospital admission next week.

Since seeing him last week, I've talked to several others who have used him in the past, and they ALL reported at least a week of hospital bedrest. Yuck. But, whatever.

I'm still getting contrax, but they are much less, and there is no pattern. They typically happen in the evening, and usually when I am up, or in the process of getting up. Getting out of bed is NOT easy these days!

I've been approved to work up to 4 hours a day from home, and now that I have a laptop that works, I feel like I'm being productive. It feels good, lol. Believe it or not, I've hardly read anything. I either lie in bed watching mindless TV, or spend a few hours at the dining room table trying to knock out a few hours of work.

Surprisingly, I haven't gained more weight, and this is according to the dr. scale!

Bean: you can e-mail me at stacey.mccrary2003@yahoo.com. Note that there is NOT a "dot" between my first and last name, I just don't want people to find this blog. Feel free to e-mail me:)

I promise some pics soon. It's time for some new house pics I guess, despite the fact that we are NOT completely unpacked.

29 weeks!

2011-07-24T20:32:00.002-05:00

Well, we made it to 29 weeks. (Sorry Fran, I meant to mention that in my last post, but got sidetracked:)).

I think it's bedrest day #12. May as well start counting, huh?

I ventured from bedrest yesterday, and learned my lesson. It was Saturday, it was pretty out (although scorching), and Dan agreed to take me to Target. I had to take some things back to Target, and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Contrax #1 came in BBB, while I was pushing the cart. Contrax #2 came in Target, and contrax #3 (the big one) came walking to the car. Dan was walking ahead with Sophie, and it got to the point where I almost couldn't walk. The common denominitor seems to be ANY sort of exhertion. I came home and went to bed and things were better.

But even today, just getting out of bed to go to the bathroom will cause a contrax.

Next appt tomorrow am at 8 am; then a follow-up with Dr. S's colleauge at 10:45. We are going to all appts, expecting NOT to come home. Fingers crossed for status quo at the u/s tomorrow. I have no idea what dr appt will be. FFN can't be done, so maybe an exam? Maybe nothing, just a check in??

I did learn a few things will in hospital and more specifically while meeting with Dr. P.

1) FFN's cannot be done the same day as an internal u/s, as it may cause a false positive. So, if u/s is different (in bad way) tomorrow, I may have to go back on Tues for another FFN.

2) The steroid shot given for babies lungs wears off after a week or so. Dr. P (using hypothetical #'s), said that if shots are given at 28 weeks, and I later go on to give birth at 31 weeks, babies lungs will look similar to lungs of a baby who NEVER got the shots. Also, from what I've read, a 2nd set of shots may be detrimental to babies.

3) If I give birth in next few weeks, we'll be doing so at Mo.Bap. Although St. Louis CHildren's Hospital has the best NICU in the area, the hospital associated with it (in top 5 in the US, I believe) does not believe in keeping babies "inside." They'd rather deliver them, and let NICU take over. This was a hard decision to make, but I'd rather the babies be transferred to a different hospital than me, if it means keeping them in longer.

4) Post partum depression is as high as 50% in twin moms. Dr. P and i talked about this and told him about my PPD with Sophie. ALthough he didn't encourage to start my Prozac now, he did say he would highly recommend once babies are here.

I am miserable. I think that, even if this hadn't all happened, I would have been begging to be taken out of work. I have just hit a wall. I am tired, sore, getting swollen, reflux is ridiculous, I've been close to puking several times (I assume b/c there isn't much room for the food I do eat).

My depression is escalating. I can feel it. Not anxiety, but most definately depression. I started Prozac 3 days ago. Dan and I are bickering/fighting. His nervous energy is driving me nuts. But, I know alot of it is me.

PTL=Hospital stay

2011-07-22T09:21:00.004-05:00

After the last horrible appt that put me on bedrest, Dr. S wanted to see me one last time before she left for vacation. So, Tues afternoon Dan took me to get the u/s and then to meet with her. I pride myself in being able to read u/s machines fairly easily, but the cervical length check always throws me off, so for those, I just tend to look at the numbers that pop up on the screen. I could tell by th numbers I was seeing that things were ok. The u/s tech agreed that things seemed stable, with no more shortening.

I was feeling better as we went to wait for Dr. S, who unfortunately walked into our room looking quite somber. "Well, it's shortened again." Apparently she and the tech had a disareement in length. According to Dr.S length had gone from 37 two weeks ago to 27 last week, to 24 this week. All not good.

She said the dreaded words,I want you to get monitored. What I later learned that meant was an NST on L & D. She also wanted to start the steroid shots for babies lungs, which I knew was a 2 day process, b/c there needs to be 24 in between in shot.

So there we were. Three minutes later, Dan, Sophie and I were back on the floor on which I'd actually given birth to Sophie. THAT was surreal. And in fact, all the monitoring rooms were full, so we were put in a L & D room, complete with baby warmer. I remember seeing that warmer when being induced to have Sophie and it scared the crap out of me. Tues night, I was in denial it was there...b/c certainly we wouldn't need it.

EVERYONE kept asking if I was contracting. My "go to" answer for weeks has been "no, not contracting, but I do feel alot of tightening." Well....turns out that tightening was being read as a contraction on the NST and was happening 2-5 times an hour! So, they gave me terbtuline (or however it's spelled). I hope that's as close to crack as I ever get. I wanted to jump out of my skin! I was on the phone when she administered it through my IV and had to hang up b/c I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. But, it did significatnly reduce the contrax.

Dr. S came to see me one last time before she left, telling me all would be fine. She also ordered a consult with an MFM that comes highly recommended. I was excited about that, b/c boy did I have questions.

Once I was settled, Dan and i had to figure out a plan. I was freaked a bit, and wanted him to stay, but then what to do with Sophie. She went to stay with my MIL. As soon as I kissed her goodbye and they walked out the door I started BAWLING. Big, ugly tears. I was scared, in shock, sad that I was in such a preciment. Resentful of these two babies still inside. What havoc they are already reaking on my little family of three.

Resentful and angry at my BABIES. There I said it. And felt no remorse in those feelings. What kind of mother am I? I've mentioned all along that I have little in the way of bonding with these two, but this just really draws the line, I think it's time to get back on the Prozac. Although, I do have to admit that listening to their heartbeats for hours at a time, along with knowing exactly where they are positioned helped a great deal. I could at least differentiate who was kicking vs. punching, lol.

So, more bad news is about to be delivered. Later Tues afternoon, Dr. S's oncall dr comes to see me, and does an exam to check for diliation. And I am dilated to one. This is definate progress in a BAD way. She increases my niphedipine to 4x day, assures me I'll go home Wed night after steroid shot and that's about it. I question her about the specialist, as I have every nurse that walks in and she says she'll look into it.

Wed Morning: I learn that I get to see Dr. Paul (baby guru, who specializes in keeping babies INSIDE), but that I first need another u/s before he will see me. So, I get that 1:30, he comes in about an hour later. In one DAY, cervix has shortened from 24 to 20. Not.good.knews.

Dr. Paul comes highly recommendend and lives up to the hype. He is fabulous and brilliant and every other fantastic word you want to use. In a nutshell, he was not comfortable with me going home, but after sticking me on what feels like 1000 new drugs, he was ok. Here's the plan.

1)I will rotate between seeing him and seeing Dr. S every other week. THis Monday I'll see Dr. S, next week, I'll see him.

2) I will get an u/s at each visit. One week they'll look at cervical length, amnio fluid; the next week they'll look at baby growth.

3) Startng lots of new meds.
antiobiotics (just in case)
increasing niphedipine to 4 x day
procardia (I think to thicken up mucous plug)
endoocin ( I think that's how it's spelled). this is another to stop contractions. but one of the side effects is reducing amniotic fluid. Dr. P feels this can be good with twins, b/c losing a bit of fluid will lighten the load on the weight/volume that the uterus is carrying to hopefully avoid early labor.

So, in a nutshell,I'm jacked up on every drug imaginable. I've gotten both steroid shots, so babies lungs are somewhat protected over the next two weeks. I've gotten my goal of weekly monitoring. I've been instructed to head to L & D if I am having 4-6 contrax an hour, for two hours in a row. If I'm unsure if it's a contrax, call it a contrax. So, here I sit.

Bedrest is hard. I was approved for up to 4 hours of work from home a day, which is proving hard given Sophie entertaining and the fact that Dan needs the laptop for his job too. BUT, every hour I can work from home is good. At this point, we're pretty much guarenteed that I will have to take at least one month of unpaid leave. As the breadwinner of this little family, that.will.hurt. But it is what it is.

I feel so grateful for everyone who has called, sent e-mails, etc. We both feel very supported in this new little predicament that has developed:)

threatented pre-term labor

2011-07-14T11:41:00.003-05:00

This is not what I was anticipating when I went to OB on Tues.
We started out with the ultrasound. Babies look great. A is weighing 2.9 and B is weighing 2.11. Both are transverse, with head on my right side, feet on my left.

And then it went south from there....I saw two cervical legnth measurements. One was 2.3 and the other 2.4. I knew that anything above 3 is good. And I also knew that my last one was between 4-5. So I knew things were different, and not in a good way. I questioned the tech about the "3" measurement and she said actually they are fine with seeing 2.5. That made me feel alot better, so I let her finish up what she was doing without asking 20 more questions.

I then went to another room to wait for Dr. S. I was so tired, and SO hot (it's been over 100 here in STL on a daily basis). I finally just gave in and lied down on the table. But then that hurt, and I was having trouble breathing, so I rolled over on my side. I must have looked like a beached whale when Dr. S walked in, lol.

Her first words were "it's time. It's time to take you out of work." I have never struggled to sit up so quickly! I asked if it was b/c of cervical length and she said that, but more importantly I'm showing some funnelling, bag of water is making it's way into the cervix. THIS was a shock to me.

She ordered the fFn test for the next day, that can be predictive of onset of labor in the next 2 weeks. She put me on bedrest for 48 hours (Wed and Thurs) and said I may be able to tie things up at work on Friday.

I had already decided (while beached whaling it) that I wouldn't fight bedrest if there was good reason. However, I had a meeting scheduled for Wed morning that I was running, adn the only person from my office to go. I asked if I could go. She asked where and what time, and I told her. She said "absolutely not, your water could break, on the way there, and I would never forgive myself."

SLAP IN THE FACE #1.

The thought of my water breaking just FLOORED me. I started crying. She started crying. (I have a way of doing that to docs, lol). She told me she'd been warning me from the begining that this day would come, and this is why. She didn't want me to be surprised. but, how could I NOT be surprised!?!?

I just had this obviously WRONG idea that my body was strong enough to pull this off.

"What if fFn is positive?" She told me I'd go to labor and delivery to start the steriod shots to strengthen babies lungs.

SLAP IN THE FACE #2.

Really, my babies could come this early? I've been telling people "probably September." Never in my wildest dreams have I even ENTERTAINED the idea of "maybe July."

Fastforward to Wed. Dan drove me for the fFn test, which luckily came back negative, meaning that there's a 90% change I WON'T go into labor in next 2 weeks.
I talked with nurse this morning, who confirmed bedrest until Tues, at which time I'll get another u/s to measure cervical length, and then meet with Dr. S to discuss a plan.

So, here I sit. Dan is off running errands, Mother in Law came to pick up Sophie, and I'm not so patiently having my second day of bedrest. I'm just torn between knowing this is what is best, but also knowing that I am already eating up my leave time. I fully expected to go back to work tomorrow. I felt confident in that after getting my negative test result last night. So, Dr. S knocked me down again making me stay out until Tues.

I also HATE the unknown. I am a planner by nature. I need to know what is next, and then next. The fact that I won't know anything until Tues is driving me nuts, and even then I know that will only plan for a few weeks.

But again, the good news is that babies are good. I was SO paranoid (prior to u/s) that baby A wasn't doing well, but she is.

I'm feeling major guilt that I'm still not bonding with these guys though. I would have expected this situation to help with that, but it hasn't so far. That's a different post though.

19 months!

2011-07-08T14:49:00.003-05:00

Just sitting here at work thinking of my little sweet pea, and thought I needed to make some unofficial stats.
1) 18-24 months clothes
2) hair is ALMOST long enough for a pony!!!
3) She loves her baby dolls and taking them for walks.
4) I caught her trying to put her paci in her babies mouth, and also give her milk out of her sippy:)
5) She still has a really odd facination with diapers (clean, thankfully!)
6) She gave Sierra her first hug, and Sierra actually accepted it:)
7) SHe's getting more picky with what she eats (hardly any meat), but she can chow down on just about any fruit. She has also taken a sudden liking to yogurt and applesauce.
8) She has started wanting us to put her animal cracker or goldfish snacks in a bottle! Weird.
9) First attempt at sidewalk chalk this week. She loved it:)
10)Still no words. Leaning towards speech therapy. My sister didn't talk until she was 2, and she still hasn't shut up, so that makes me feel a bit better.
11) She found a plastic tube, about 2 feet long, when we moved. She pushes it around the floor like she is mopping:)
12)She loves to sit on the couch like a big girl, and also sit on any stoop/stair she can find. I need to get her a table/chair set.
13) Size 5 shoes and they are the first thing she wants to put on in the morning.
14) She's SUCH a girly girl. She loves to carry a purse, a baby, and begs me to put lotion on her. SHe'll hold out her arms for me to lotion up, when she sees me doing it:)
15) She is now mimicking Sierra's "hairballs." So ladylike:)

Pine-Sol anyone?

2011-07-06T15:21:00.002-05:00

I've been busy. Really, really busy. We have moved, and moved in comfortably to our new house. Yes, there are pictures coming (I bought a new camera), but it's the last thing on my priority list right now.

Brief updates: I am over 26 weeks pregnant now! Things are fine. I'm just tired, and getting bigger by the day.I'm averaging about a gain of a pound a week. I see Dr. S next week for a 27 week appt. It's at that time that she "threatened" (that's how I'm taking it) to reduce my work hours. I will also do the glucose test next week. Lately, I will wake up at night to my hip bones just throbbing. I don't know if it's the extra weight, or the the fact that I can only sleep on my side or what, but my hips ACHE at night.

Sophie was 19 months yesterday. SHe has transitioned to the house very well, without even batting an eye really. Bad news is that she is back to sleeping with us, but that is our fault, in that we lost a screw to the spring in her bed and she can't use it until we find a new screw. Let's blame it on Dan. He was supposed to find one for me, but hasn't yet. ANd I have too many other things to do than chase him down for a screw. Hahaha, no pun intended. I wasn't even trying to be clever!

Sierra is an anxious ball of fur. She desparately wants to go back "home." Poor thing. I hope she gets over this before babies come. I don't have the patience right now to deal with much more of her anxiety.

Dan is also adjusting. I knew it would be a stretch for him, he is very much a creature of habit. Despite desperately wanting this move to happen, it has taken it's toll. He's on the unswing now though, thankfully.

Our condo gets taken over by renters on July 15. We went over this weekend to start the cleaning process and I opened a bottle of pine-sol I didn't even know we had. OMG, I felt like a druggie. That freaking cleaner smelled SO good. I'm embarrased to admit that I have been thinking about it quite often since this weekend. Is this one of those crazy ODD pregnancy things? No, of course I'm not going to drink it! I'm not sure if it's nesting or what, but each day I go home and think about dousing our house with it. The only thing stopping me is that I left the bottle at the condo. Is it the smell, or the obvious need for my little nest to be sparkling clean? I don't know.

For anyone who has e-mailed/called me and hasn't gotten a response, I will get to it...I swear! Between the move and all that entails I am lucky to put both of my shoes on before leaving home in the morning!

misc updates

2011-06-22T14:11:00.002-05:00

Dan washed my camera. Yes, that's right. He turned the dryer on and heard the tell-tale thumping of something in the dryer that was NOT a piece of clothing. He said "damn, I hope that wan't my phone!" Well, lucky for him it wasn't, but it was indeed my camera. I loved my little camera, so compact, so easy to use. Luckily, we have a back-up, but unfortunately don't have the cable to connect it to the computer for downloading, so looks like I'm getting a new camera! Until then, no pics:(

Sophie's first day at her music class went as well as it could. She was the youngest, and the only one not talking, but I think she really did enjoy the socialization. We went back yesterday, and I left her after about 15 minutes. I waited until she was really INTO something and slowly walked out. It was hard, and I only just moved to the porch of this lady's house. But, Sophie did great. They came out at the hour mark for a break, and I took that opportunity to take her home. Next time, we'll try for 1.5 hours. She's not really going to get much out of the class, lol, but I feel good that she is around other little people her age. They do alot of clapping, general rythm stuff, and sing some kid songs:)

ALSO, and this is BIG news...we signed her up for daycare. Starting mid-August she'll be going two days a week to an in-home daycare. Dan REALLY fought me on it, and I think that the root of it was that he thought I was saying he isn't good enough to watch her. I had to explain to him that 1) this is about her and NOT him, and she's at the point where she needs to socialize, learn to share, see the world outside of our condo, and that 2) when these babies come he is going to be so grateful when I take Sophie with me in the morning.

I have mixed feelings about it. I'm stuck on the fact that I am changing her world to make room for these babies. I know it's not all about that, but it makes me feel bad. I KNOW she needs to get out into the world. My parents were total "live in a bubble" type of people when it came to me. I will NOT be like that with Sophie, nor do I want to. My dad would probably fall over dead if he knew that one of the boys in her music class is African American, and another one is mulatto. Oh the horror, lol!

I also hate that we'll be sending her to daycare when I am home on maternity leave. I feel like she should be home with us then, but I know consistency is important, and I know she'll be getting a lot more (and quality) attention at daycare than I'll be able to provide her with newborn twins.

But it's hard. I'm still struggling dailey with the fact that I am bringing two new little people into her world, to take away the attention and love that she is used to. Matter of fact, we're going to stop this convo right here b/c I'm ready to cry just thinking about it.

House news...it's official...we close on our house tomorrow at 3 pm!!! After the hell we've gone through to get to this point, I just hope it works out. AND, we have tenant signatures on our leasing agreement so that is offical too!!!

The chaos that is buying/selling (renting) a house...

2011-06-16T09:21:00.003-05:00

For those following along in our home search/home buy/home sell drama, I finally feel fairly confident in updating what is going on. I think I'm past the stage where I feel I might "jinx" something. Here is the run-down.
1) Our condo went on the market in mid January.
2) Despite MANY private showings, we didn't get ONE offer.
3) Early February, we found a house in a cute little neighborhood, in the school district in which Dan grew up (this was his requirement). It's a fairly expensive area, so for us to find something that we liked/could afford, was a big deal.
4) We put in an offer, they countered, we played the house buying game, and agreed on a price.
5) Then came the financing snafu, which was BEYOND difficult because we hadn't sold our condo. I will save all the dirty details of that, but we finally made it work. ***How we were going to pay two mortgages for an extended period of time, I didn't know, but I was on a mission.***
6. Late February, I started hinting to Dan that we should be open to the idea of renting our condo. He was SO against it at the time, we could not even have a conversation. Seriously, he just blew up and wouldn't even entertain the idea. Because I know him so well, I waited a few weeks, brought it up again, his reaction was slightly better, but still FAR from accepting of the idea. Lather, rinse, repeat, several times.
7. I finally wore him down, lol, but did it in as rational, logical a way as a could. I gathered the facts, put them in front of him and didn't back down:) He agreed to try to rent, if we work with an agency (as opposed to putting a random ad on Craiglist).
8. We met with an agent who LOVED our condo, and Dan loved her. We had showings just a few days later.
9. Yesterday, we signed a leasing agreement for a couple that is moving in from out of state. I googled them (of course) and think it's a great thing. They are both PhD's, and the husband is also a J.D. He will be teaching at a local university this fall. The best news is that the rent they are paying will take care of ALL of our mortgage, plus our condo fees. Phew.

I just really need to start wrapping things up in pretty little packages. I'm done with not knowing what is going to happen. We close on our new house next Thursday, and move the following Monday. Gathering all of the documents for our new home loan has been one of the most stressful things for me. It's still not "tied up" yet, but it's close. The underwriters are going to give me a heart attack. My mom doesn't know "how you've been carrying two babies with all the stress you are under." Gee, thanks mom. You really know how to make a pregnant girl feel good.

Speaking of that, I saw my OB on Tues. We did a growth u/s and both babies look great. Baby girl is 1.7 pounds, and Baby boy is 1.8 pounds. Although these weights sounds REALLY close together,it's actually a 3% difference. They don't start to worry though, until the difference is about 10%. So I'm feeling good about that. My cervix was measuring 3.75 so we're good there.

Dr. is starting to lay down the law again about my taking it easy. She said in this next month (prior to next appt), she wants me to start "listening" to my body, and go hoome early if I need/take a nap/whatever. My boss is totally cool with this, but it's just not my personality. Plus, I don't want to use my leave time now. But, I will listen to her, especially after the house closing/move is over. I'll be taking several partial days off in the next few weeks to deal with that, but once July hits, I may cut down an hour a day. She also said that at my next appt, she was probably going to ask me to cut down 2-3 hours a day. I still have mixed feelings about this, if I am feeling good, but I will do what she says.

Starting to babble now...will post later about Sophie's first music class and potential daycare:)

18 months...

2011-06-13T10:30:00.005-05:00

Yes, Sophia ACTUALLY turned 18 months on June 5...and it's now June 13...but it's the best I can do, lol. Our life is crazy right now.
Official stats:
1) 26.2 pounds (50-75th percentile)
2) I forgot her actual height (!!),but it is 25-50th percentile. She's finally perking up!
3) Head is still 75-90th percentile!

Dr. R said everything is looking good. I had to fill out a survey that shows early indicators of autism...she has none, but I knew that. Dr really questioned us about her vocab, which I knew she would, but I'm not worried. No shots, thankfully!

Unofficial stats:
1) gives kisses...when you see her tight lipped and saying "mmmmmmmmm" you know she wants a kiss. She even does this to Sierra. They are few and far between though, so you're very lucky if she picks you:)
2) The hugs just get better. Feeling her little arms squeeze so tightly around my neck is just about the best thing ever.
3) She also uses "hugs" to try to get out of something. For example, every night "jammy time" is turning into a run for Dan, begged to be picked up, and then hold on tightly to him...until I come find her and whisk her away like a bad mom, lol.
4) She also has started running and "hiding" when it's time for a diaper change.
5) Sierra gets hugs too.
6) If you are really lucky the hugs are accompanied by pats on the back, or head:)
7) 18-24 month clothes; size 4 dipes, size 5 nighttime dipes
8) not only does she squat when she poos, she has started to tap her diaper when she pees. Dr. R gave us the go ahead to try some potty training whenever we are ready.
9) Has taken a sudden liking to the fork, but still needs help in spearing whatever it is she wants to eat.
10) Incisors should be coming soon...I give it two weeks for the first one. Lots of drooling going on.
11) When she gets excited she SQUEELS. It's the best. Her focal range is up there with Mariah:)
12) SHe LOVES balls, any size, any texture. She loves them. She likes to roll them, but LOVES to kick them.
13) Bubbles are also a newish favorite of hers. We blow them in the house for her, we are bad parents!
14) When she wants to go somewhere she will either a) come to us with some combo of her shoes, our keys, my purse, or b) we'll find her at the front door with shoes in hand. Sometimes her baby doll is also waiting patiently in her stroller at the front door;)
15) When she's ready for bed, she'll a) come to me with her milk, and 3 wubbies, or b) she'll drag a pillow off of our bed into the living room.
16)I try really hard not to freak out when she falls outside. I've taught her to "brush herself off" if she does fall, which consists of standing, wiping her knees, and then rubbing her hands together to get the dirt off. Super cute:)
17) She LOVES Sierra's leash. It's annoying.
18) She smiles for the camera now:)

21 weeks

2011-05-31T08:10:00.003-05:00

Well, now that I'm almost 22 weeks, I thought I should update with 21 week info.

How far along: 21 weeks, 5 days

Total weight gain/loss: Um. 22 pounds. As I am scarfing down Sonic tots as I type.

Maternity clothes: Everything. Nothing else stands a chance, except I just went up a size in underwear, I didn't see the need to buy maternity.

Stretch marks: I analyze my belly every morning, but so far nothing.

Sleep: I had a really great stretch, but the insomnia is back again. I took a Tylenol PM last night and STILL woke up. I'm afraid if I take 2 I wouldn't wake to Sophie's crying.

Best moment last week: ???

Movement: Fairly common now, but it still feels like thumps, not kicks or punches.

Food cravings: Still sweets, and also plain old carbs. Bread and butter? Sign me up!

Gender: Boy and Girl!!

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In, but fading quickly.

Other random yuckiness: Sciatica is gone for now, migraines are back. I can't catch a break.

What I miss: my cute summer clothes.

What I am looking forward to: Hitting 24 weeks, when babies will be considered viable.

Taken last Sunday at 21 weeks.

20 weeks (over halfway there!!)

2011-05-23T07:19:00.002-05:00

How far along: 20 weeks, 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: We're going to stick with 19 for now. It's been going up, and then down, but 19 is a good average;)

Maternity clothes: Today I am wearing one of about 3 non-maternity tops. After these quit fitting, it's hello tent clothes:(

Stretch marks: Nope, but at the rate I'm growing it might not be long:(

Sleep: Surprisingly, sans medication, the last two nights of sleep have been delightful. Except for the occational Sophie wake-up, I slept right through. I was sleeping SO well both nights that I was disoriented when I woke up. Now THAT is some good sleep!!!

Best moment last week: Got to hear heart beats at OB office yesterday. She was able to pick both up on the Doppler, and swore she could tell the difference, so I was fine with that:)

Movement: Movement is still irregular, and I still have no idea how I'm supposed to tell the difference in the two:)

Food cravings: Still sweets, and also plain old carbs. Bread and butter? Sign me up!

Gender: Boy and Girl!!

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In, but fading quickly.

Other random yuckiness: The migraines have been replaced by sciatica. It was so bad that last Tues-Thurs I couldn't raise my right foot off the ground more than a few inches. I almost could NOT get in and out of the car. I broke down and called OB who referred me to a physical therapist who specializes is pregnancy PT. I LOVE it:) A the end, I get a nice little rub down, topped off by an ice pack:)

What I miss: my cute summer clothes.

What I am looking forward to: Hitting 24 weeks, when babies will be considered viable.

Here's a picture of me...and S...and Sierra's tail:) I swear, although my boobs have grown, they are NOT this saggy. Looks like there's a wrinkle in my shirt or something, I swear that's what it is. As of my OB appt yesterday, I am 20 weeks, measuring 27 weeks.

For comparison's sake, here's a link to my 27 week pic with Sophie.
http://myinfertileworldsm.blogspot.com/2009/09/this-must-be-nesting.html

And just because...this is my sweet little raggamuffin in the morning. Big smile and a hot mess of hair. How do I ever get up to go to work with this little lady chasing me around in the AM????!!!

Sophia updates

2011-05-19T13:41:00.003-05:00

I am a bad, bad mom. I never posted Sophia's 17 months unofficial stats.
Here they are...
1) We've packed away all 12 month clothes. Solidly in 18 months, and a few are 24 months (because her head is so big!)
2) Loves shoes and socks, and tries to put them on herself, and us. She loves to help me put my shoes on and take them off.
3) She has found the velcro on the diapers that she wears. She's been aware of the velcro on diapers she isn't wearing for a LONG time, but she's starting to play with the velcro (through her clothes), when the diaper is on.
4) She squats when she poos, and has started grabbing at herself when she pees (not sure if the grabbing is before or after the pee), but she is definately identifying something is happening down there.
5) When we ask her to dance, she's stomp in place for a bit, looks like a little jig;)
6) Dan has taught her "sumo." When you say it, she'll start to pound on her belly.
7) She is finally learning to be gentle with Sierra. Sierra is still skitish around her, but we're working on it.
8) Her fave foods can change daily. One day she'll eat bananas, the next she won't touch. Same with every other food. Luckily, she loves almost all fruit, it just depends on the day what she will actually eat.
9) She's loving her board books. I took her "pop up" book away from her b/c she was very deliberately looking at me and then ripping the pop up part off.
10) Tantrums have started. Dan and I ignore them. It's working so far.
11) Oh, oh, my FAVORITE...she is officially giving hugs. She doesn't do it on command, but her gesture is an obvious arms around the neck and then a squeeze. Her hugs are the best thing ever.
12) Still sleeping 12 hours a night, typically 7:30-7:30. We're slowly but surely getting her transitioned back to her crib.
13) Hate, hate, HATES the bath. Hate's water in her eyes.
14) Loves my bracelets and purses. And shoes. She's a girl:)
15)Not much more than babbling still, but she understands ALOT, some of which are complex statements. "get the pillow off the bed." "put your jammies in the dirty clothes." "get your wubby and milk and let's go to bed."
16) No signs of canine teeth yet. I thought for sure they were on their way, but we're still rolling with 12 teeth.
17) Tolerates her inhaler REALLY well, and even likes to help me shake the med and hold the mask to her face.
18) Fave snacks are cheerios and goldfish. And cheese. Lots and lots of cheese:)

19 weeks!

2011-05-16T11:30:00.002-05:00

How far along: 19 weeks, 1 days

Total weight gain/loss: 19 pounds. NINETEEN. I told Dr S I was concerned about this, but she didn't seem to be worried. She "cleared" me for more excercise since things are going ok right now. But really. NINETEEN pounds. I only gained 23 with Sophia.

Maternity clothes: ALL pants are maternity, and most tops, although I am very picky about the tops right now. I need to wear the kind with rusching. I just don't feel comfortable yet in the OBVIOUS tent-style tops.

Stretch marks: Nope, but at the rate I'm growing it might not be long:(

Sleep: The insomnia is beyong ridiculous. I'm trying to learn to work with it, though, and my new plan is to just get up when I wake up and get to work. It's better than lying in bed, feeling sorry for myself. Last night was actually good. I slept until 5:30, at which time I woke up wide awake without an alarm clock.

Best moment last week: I'm feeling some movement. Nothing consistant, and it's more little thumps that real movement, but it's there:)

Movement: See above.

Food cravings: Still sweets, and also plain old carbs. Bread and butter? Sign me up?

Gender: Boy and Girl!!

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In, but fading quickly.

Other random yuckiness: Migraines are still kicking, and the heart burn has set in also. It's not nearly as bad as with Sophie, when drinking water would make my throat feel like it was on fire, but it's still not good.

What I miss: A full nights sleep.

What I am looking forward to: Our "big" ultrasound is today, although we already know the sexes. Looking forward to seeing McBabies again:) I hate that I can't shake the irrational fear that comes before each u/s.

testing, testing...

2011-05-13T14:50:00.002-05:00

I lost my most recent post. Just testing to see if this one will post (and stay posted).

slacker

2011-05-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

Geez Louise I need to catch up. Updates since my last post include:
1) A babymoon!
2) Mother's Day
3) Sophie is 17 months!
4) I am 18 weeks pregnant!!

I'm going to tackle the first two now, as they *sort of* go hand in hand. Dr. S told us at our first prenatal appt that if we wanted to travel it
a) has to be before 20 weeks
b) has to be within the US
c) is best to leave Sophie at home.

I did fine with the first two requirements, but the third was much harder.

In the end, we went to St. Pete Beach in Florida. It was great. I did nothing, lol. Beach in the AM, pool in the PM, lather, rinse, repeat. Sophie stayed with my parents for the first 3 days, and with Dan's mom for the final two. It was SO hard leaving her. My parents dropped us at the airport, so she was in the car when we got out. She definately looked distressed, like she knew something wasn't right, but my mom says she never cried. I, on the other hand, was a mess. Cried checking in, cried going through security, weepy while in line for breakfast.

Dan and I both agreed we're not leaving her again. Night time was hardest for me, since our routine is that she falls asleep with me. Plus, I didn't have alcohol to drown my sorrows:(

We got home the Sat night before Mother's Day, and spent that day very low key, unpacking, hanging with Sophie, just getting back into our routine.

Two pics from the trip, one of which is an obvious belly shot at 17w5d.

Mother's Day 2011, 18 weeks

More tomorrow....

Fun in the Mud:)

2011-04-28T07:49:00.003-05:00

To celebrate that ONE nice day in the last 10 days or so, we went out for a walk. On non-rainy days we've been doing this nightly, and Sophie LOVES it.

My two new fave pics.

And now the MUD:):) Dan told me not to let her walk in the puddle. I just laughed and let her walk right in! I swear, I will not be one of those moms that doesn't let her kids do things because she doesn't want to clean up the mess. (Someone might have to remind me of this the first time I see finger paint on the wall!)

She was so hesitant to stick her hand in. She looked up at me, not for approval, but as if to say "do I really want to do this?"

And then of course she had to show me the fun:)

16 weeks!

2011-04-26T14:46:00.002-05:00

How far along: 16 weeks, 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: 10 pounds (gulp--it is really packing on, suddenly). For the record, I think most of it is in my boobs. Holy cup size batman. I looked in the mirror this morning and yowza! I mentioned last time I thought I was getting a bump? Not so much. It looks more like I just lost my waist.

Maternity clothes: ALL pants are maternity at this point. My last pair of pre-preg jeans got packed away this weekend. No tops yet...way huge on me.

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Still dealing with MAJOR insomnia, and now some fun RLP that makes it feel like there is a gigantic rubberband in my uterus, whenever I try to roll over.

Best moment last week: Got to see McBabies again, and they are measuring really well so far!!!

Movement: Nope.

Food cravings: Still sweets. Nothing ever SOUNDS good. Dan asks what I want for dinner, and I can't answer, because nothing sounds good. I'm eating out of necessity, which is why I'm not certain where these 10 pounds just came from?!?!

Gender: Boy and Girl!!

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In

Other random yuckiness: I still have horrible headaches. They gave me a script, but it is this horrible UN-coated pill that tends to disolve in my mouth before I can swallow, which in turn makes me want to hurl. Needless to say, I'm trying to deal with the headaches without the pill, but it *does* help, when I do take it.

I'm getting out of breath more quickly when I walk up stairs. This didn't happen as early with Sophie.

My boobs are starting to make those lovely changes that are so common in pregnancy. Ick.

I have a bump on my neck that looks like a mosquito bite. I had the same thing when pregnant with Sophie. It has to be related.

Insomnia continues to be my WORST enemy.

What I miss: A full nights sleep.

What I am looking forward to: Hmmmm...at this point, now that we know the sexes, I'm going to have to go for movement. I'm ready to feel some little bubbles in there, but I know it will be awhile longer.

dreams (and not good ones)

2011-04-25T16:11:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night about an alive baby, and a dead baby. What does this mean? In the dream, they were both swaddled, both looked like they were sleeping, except the one that was not alive was a bit bigger, a bit bloated. I put them down on the bed together to take a picture of them.

It wasn't a haunting dream, per se, but I have thought about it a few times today. I didn't wake up still thinking my baby was dead, but in the dream it was definately my baby. In the dream, I was very matter of fact about it, a live baby and a dead baby.

I started reading a murder mystery a few nights ago that had very detailed death scenes. Is that where this is coming from? I hope so.

Surprise ultrasound=sexes!!!

2011-04-22T14:13:00.003-05:00

On my way to OB this morning, it occured to me that I should ask for an ultrasound. I know myself, and know that if my urine specimin comes back negative, then I will start to obscess about the cramping. I thought it might be a long shot, but I asked, and they said yes.

As I was waiting for the u/s lady it then occured to me that MAYBE I could find out the sexes of the babies. I didn't want them to think I was just trying to get an u/s to find out, so I was hestitant to bring it up, but I wanted to at least ask.

The u/s tech made it easy, though. She immediately zero-ed in on the heartbeats, and then started measuring the heads, giving me estimated weights (baby A is 6 oz, baby B is 5 oz), showing me the major organs. I asked if it was possible to sneak a peek between the legs and she said "of course!"

Baby A, who is apparently not shy at all, is a GIRL!!!! I was thrilled to know we'd have another girl:) Baby B took a bit of poking and prodding, but finally gave in and showed us HIS goods! Baby B is a BOY:) Obviously, most importantly, they appear to be extremely healthy and growing well. THis was just the icing on the cake!!!

I immediately felt bad that Dan hadn't been there, but knew that he would have wanted to know. Luckily, I was right, and he said "I knew it all the time." We've both guessed boy/girl from early on, and were even right in that baby A is the girl and B is the boy.

Tech also checked placentas, as well as my cervix and all looks good. She didn't give me a cervical measurement but said it was great. I saw on the screen 4.8something, and I think anything above 3 is good, so I'm relieved there as well.

I also found out that A has moved. She was in a little ball on my right side, and is now nice and cozy, lying under my belly button, across my abdomen. B is camped out somewhere behind her and apparently doesn't need as much room:)

potential infection???

2011-04-21T16:14:00.002-05:00

What was the sharp stabbing of RLP this morning turned into dull achy pains regardless of my position. I noticed it the first time while brushing my teeth. It wasn't the intense, take my breath away, pains of RPL, but was definatley enought to catch my attention. I walked Sierra and the pains continued around the block. They weren't continuous, but the scary part for me is they were all coming from the same spot. At least with the RPL, I was getting the pains all over, left, right, high, low. Today, they were all focused in my lower left pelvic region,

I got to work and they seemed to disappear until about an hour ago. I caved and called the OB and got to talk to my nurse, who asked lots of questions. Confirmed no bleeding, no contrax, etc. She said based on my description, it may be a UTI or bladder issue, so I'm going in tomorrow AM to pee in a cup. I'm glad I called, although I felt silly at the time. Thankfully she didn't dismiss my concerns.

A few pics...

2011-04-20T07:59:00.002-05:00

I have been SUCH a slacker on the picture department. I added these below this morning, but didn't have time to download any other from my camera.

This is one of my new fave pics of her, an expression that she sports often, just big eyed and curious:)

Not such a great pic, but I love that it shows what she does with her milk. The big cup is from a Blues game. She carries it around everywhere. Inside that cup is her sippy full of milk. That's how she rolls:)

The first public appearance of the McBaby Twins, taken at NT scan at about 12 weeks. Obviously a pic of a pic, and not a good one at that, but the top skeleton looking guy is Baby B (we think this is a boy). I'm not a fan of this "face on" shot, but I can rest assured since we have one of Sophie like this and her cheeks *did* fill in:) Baby A profile is on bottom:)

RLP, a bump and teething

2011-04-19T14:26:00.004-05:00

Round Ligament Pain (RLP) has arrived. It completely caught me by surprise yesterday, when I was attacked by these sudden, SHARP pains in my pelvic/uterine area. THey continued this morning, although only when walking or going up stairs. This is definately new for me, I don't remember having these with Sophie. Also, rolling over in bed at night has caused me some pain as well (another RLP symptom). I haven't called my dr., but I'm sure that's what it is. RLP peaks in 2nd tri, and well, here I am.

Oh, and I'm getting a bump. I think I look more pregnant now than I did with Sophie at 20 weeks. Even Dan noticed. Technically, I'm 15w2d. I had to get rid of my last pair of non-maternity jeans:( I love the bump, it gives me reassurance, but if I'm showing now what will I look like in 20 weeks???!!!

Since Sophie's hospitalization, her night sleeping has gone to hell. She sleeps, but typically only if I'm with her. The first few nights after the hospital, I let her sleep in bed with us, I just wanted her to feel safe. After that, I let her fall asleep in bed with me (which was our pre-hospital pattern), and then put her in her crib. She now wants NO part of that. I think she did it once last week, but woke up after only 3 hours screaming. So now, because Dan is SO afraid that I am creating a horrible bad habit (I admit it's not good), I have started sleeping with her in the floor in her room. On hardwood...that's fun on a pregnant body. My new goal is to get up in the middle of the night (shouldn't be hard with my peeing pattern lately) and get in our bed, letting her stay in her room.

Anyhoo..the past several nights she has woken crying, several times a night. This is definately new for her and it just occured to me that she might be teething. I just looked it up online and canine teeth typically start popping up between 16-22 months. It would also explain the clinginess that she's had to both me and Dan, which I had attributed to post-hospital regression. So now, I can't wait to get home and hopefully see what's going on in that cute little mouth of hers:)

Update #3: McBabies

2011-04-14T15:51:00.002-05:00

I had my OB appt today at 14w4d. She gave me an u/s without my even having to ask. Both babies looked good, with two strongly beating hearts:)

I told her that at the last appt she had rocked my world with her conservative view of this pregnancy and that I left without asking alot of the questions I had hoped to ask. She answered those questions, plus clarified some things that I've had more time to think about since the last appt.

1) When/how will cervical length be checked? The first check will be at my anatomy scan in about 5 weeks. If it's shortened, she'll send me to an MFM.

2) Do I REALLY have to deliver vaginally in the OR, even if there are two placentas? Yes, because once the volume of first baby is gone, the placenta often starts to break apart very quickly.

3) What are criteria for moving to part time work? Pre-term labor signs, general fatigue on my part. SHe prefers half days to cutting down the amount of days worked.

4)Sex? Yes, for now, so long as I'm not contracting, bleeding, etc.

5)Pedicures/massages? Yes to pedicure, but no to foot/calf massages; otherwise for a full body massage only from someone who specializes in maternity massages.

6) What do to about headaches? SHe is calling in a script for me.

7) Insomnia? Benadryl or Tylenol PM is fine, which I already knew

8) When to stop baby aspirin? I can stop now but will probably keep taking for a few more weeks.

Update #2: Sophia

2011-04-14T11:22:00.003-05:00

As of April 5, she is 16 months old.
Unofficial stats...

1. She loves to stack things.
2. She loves to sort things. She'll sort the food on her tray into the correct category.
3. If she does something she thinks is exeptional, she will clap for herself and then look at us to make sure we noticed and are also clapping.
4. I'm working with her on animal sounds. She likes to mimic, but all sounds typically come out like "mmmmmmm", although I did think I heard a "quack" last week.
5. Since coming home from the hospital she is more attached to her pacifer, just as we were thinking we were going to wean her.
6. Also since the hospital, it's been impossible to get her to sleep in her crib for more than a few hours at a time.
7. When you say "stinky" she'll grab her nose.
8. She is starting to try to take her arm out of her pajama sleeve. Is this the beginning of trying to undress herself?
9. Since the hospital, she knows where her "boobies" are. Is this bad? She spent several days in only a diaper and finally had access to her body that is usually covered with clothes.
10. She loves my belly button.
11. In the bath (although she still hates them), she loves when I put soap on her hands. She'll rub them together until they are sudsy.
12. The above has translated to wanting to pour her milk or water onto her hands and then rub them together. Fun.
13. She tried to pour milk into my belly button!
14. She loves having bubbles blown at her.
15. She still rocks the whale spout, her bangs aren't quite long enough to tuck behind her ear yet.
16. She loves her "spider book" aka Itsy Bitsy Spider. She doesn't care if it's read to her, but loves to be asked to point out the spiders. Sometimes she gets them, sometimes not.
17. SHe is still OBSCESSED with the trash, and especially likes to pull things out of the kitchen trash can and carry them around.
18. She is learning how to blow kisses:)

Update #1: Me

2011-04-13T16:03:00.002-05:00

I am SO behind in posting. I can't blame it on being busy, although that is partly true. Primarily, I blame it on being lazy.

Here goes...

How far along: 14 weeks, 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: 7 pounds, give or take

Maternity clothes: Most pants are maternity at this point. I can still wear some of my regular pants, but the maternity are just SO much more comfy. No tops yet...way huge on me.

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Still dealing with MAJOR insomnia.

Best moment these last two weeks: Got confirmation from geneticists that McBabies looked great and had very small chances of Down's or Trisomies 18 or 21; Made it to the 2nd trimester---it has gone lightening fast.

Movement: Nope.

Food cravings: Still sweets.

Gender: ??? I guess a boy and girl.

Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out: In

Other random yuckiness: My headaches have been out.of.this.world. I had them with Sophie too, but I don't remember them being THIS bad. My head just pounds, at least part of the day, almost every day.

What I miss: A full nights sleep.

What I am looking forward to: OB appt tomorrow

Home again, home again!!!

2011-04-05T11:57:00.003-05:00

Phew! We made it home about 6 pm last night.

They declared Sophie ready to leave the PICU about 12 on Sunday. SHe woke up not long after I made my last post and had obviously taken a turn in the right direction. She was playful and moving around, and was becoming hard to keep captive on her bed. The entire staff that worked with us was ALL fantastic (except one). Every time someone came in the room, they asked if we needed anything as they left. And they meant it. Finally, about 1 on Saturday, I told them I needed to hold my daughter. I mean, I slept with her, and cuddled with her, but I had not held her in a LONG time. THe nurse looked at me, looked at Sophie and said "I don't see why not. You have my blessing to unhook her from all the wires." What a GREAT feeling to pull all of those stickers off of her chest and take the b/p cuff off, and the O2 sensor on her toe. Picking her up was just AMAZING!!!!! I can't think of much that has made me that happy in a VERY long time.

We spent about 24 hours on a general medical floor, and once we could get her urine output up, we were ready to be discharged.

Final verdict? We still don't know. It *could* have been a random virus. If that's the case, we will probably never know. Or, it could be the onset of asthma. I'm learning more about it, and the asthma nurse spent a long time with us yesterday, and I'm really leaning towards this might be the issue.

I took Sophie to the dr about 5 weeks ago for wheezing. She had one breathing treatment in the office and was fine. They sent us home with a breathing machine which is why we had it for the treatments we gave her Sat morning before going to the ER. ANother sign of asthma is random night-time coughing, which she also has.

They sent us home with a mask/inhaler to wean her off the abuterol. We're giving her a tretment every 4 hours for 24 hours post discharge, and then every 6 hours for the next 6 days. To treat preventatively, they also gave us a different inhaled med calld Flovent. She gets two puffs in the morning and two in the evening, indefinately I guess.

I'm so glad my baby girl is better. I felt so completely helpless, watching her lay there in such a vulnerable state. Dan just called me and I heard her giggling in the background. Music to my ears:)

Thanks so much for all the good thoughts and vibes!!!

Pediatric ICU

2011-04-03T04:50:00.003-05:00

It's currently 4:50 am on Sunday morning. Where to start this story???

Sophie woke up with a runny nose on Friday. No big deal, just a clear, runny, snotty nose. I didn't think much about it, except that I assumed a cold was on it's way. For me, Friday was horrible. Lots of crap happening at work, the pregnancy insomnia continued, so I was really way more excited than I should have been for the Tylenol PM I was planning on taking before bed. As Sophie got closer to bed time, she developed a pretty nasty cough. Something told me it was going to be a long night so I opted not to take the meds. Good decision.

She and I both fell asleep about 8:30, and I woke up at midnight to her labored breathing. She sounded congested. I wrote it off as that. She was never able to go back to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. Therefore, I didn't sleep. I stayed in bed with her until about 3 am, just trying to soothe her, and then at 3 I got us both up and tried to rock her in her rocking chair. It seemsed to help a bit. At 5, we went back to our bed because I was simply exhausted since I'd been up since midnight.

I must have falled asleep b/c Dan woke me up at 6:45 totally freaked out b/c she was breathing so hard. I informed him (not so nicely) that this is how she'd been all night. We decided to pull out the breathing machine that we'd gotten at the pedi office about 5 weeks ago when I took her in for a wheezing episode.

We gave her a treatment (Albuterol) at 7 and then again at 9, and although it helped it wasn't helping enough. She was really struggling.

Dan made the decision to go to the ER. I planned to go if things didn't get better but he made me go earlier rather than later. I remember being SO mad at him b/c I just wanted to take a nap. Getting in the car I opened the corner of the door into my forehead. I remember saying "God, please let this day be over quickly." Little did I know. It was only 10:50 am.

We got to the ER where, long story short, they did another treatment and determined she needed to be admitted for observation. Again, the treatment helped, but not enough. We waited a few hours for a room. Through the ER visit, Sophie was a trooper. She was too tired to really struggle with anything. The official diagnosis was bronchiolotis. Her fast tests came back negative for flu and RSV. An x-ray later in the day showed no pneumonia.

Once in the room, the nurses came in and introduced themselves and made friends with Sophie. After they left, she rolled over on the bed and just lay there. Her face was so calm or tired or something I don't know, but from her neck to her diaper she looked like a fish out of water. We honestly didnt think anything about it. We felt like we were in a good place and she'd get the care she needed.

Soon, two docs came in and one looked at Sophie and immediately looked at the other doc and said why is she here? She questioned us as to whether she looked like that in the ER. Basically, yes, just now she was in diaper only so her breathing was more obvious.

The doc called for a stat PICU referral. She looked at us and said "her lungs are working overtime and I'm afraid her heart won't be able to keep up." While I was still trying to process that, we were surrounded by 12 PICU docs in our room. I looked at Dan and he started crying. I looked away. I could NOT go there. SO there I was, sitting on the bed holding Sophie, surrounded by docs that all looked to be on a mission, very serious (duh). In addition to their coats they all had to wear the yellow drape thing and gloves (since we didn't truly know what was wrong). Needless to say, they were a daunting sight. The plan was to do another breathing treatment and see how things looked after that. I was the obvious choice to administer the treatment, since I was already holding her. So I did, in front of a team of PICU docs. It was very surreal lol. I was holding her in one arm, holding the mask to her face in the other, constantly kissing her forehead calling her "my sweet pea", and rocking her to try to ease her struggle. But, she didn't struggle. She just took it, without a fight. She was just exhausted.

The head PICU doc told us that she needed to be moved to the PICU for at least a day. He thought she may need a continuous albuterol treatment, which was something she could NOT get on a general medical floor. It also meant that she'd need an IV, and not be able to eat/drink.

We've been here since about 5 pm Sat night. We started with the continuous treatment but her little heart was just racing. It was staying steady at about 205-210, but then there came a point where it was 220-225. I knew it was high. THe nurses and the doc kept looking in our room at the monitor. I was ready to freak OUT wondering WTF was taking them so long to do something. I think I said to Dan "why are they just standing there."

They made the decision to cut the treatments to every two hours. Things are finally looking up. Her breathing is still labored, but her lungs sound much better.

My poor sad little baby girl has been put through the ringer. She's got all the wires strapped to her. She actually woke up after the 1 am treatment and was smiling:)

She's still naked, except for her diaper, currently sleeping wrapped in the blanket that a volunteer brought by. More later, but I'm hopeful to make it out of PICU today.

NT scan and other updates

2011-03-30T15:58:00.004-05:00

Sorry to those of you calling/e-mailing me for updates. I feel like a big piece of poo. Who would have guessed that I could get through 12 weeks of a twin pregnancy, only to start puking my guts up at 12 weeks exactly. I threw up SIX times on Sunday. The worst part is the vomiting is so violent that I pee on myself at the same time.

Sexy.

Monday I didn't feel great but didn't puke. Last night, 5 hours after I ate my dinner, it all came up. And I peed on myself again:(

I haven't taken my Prozac or PNV since Sunday, which is what I took that stimulated the morning puke session.

I am exhausted. I've been sick on and off for about a month with cold-like symptoms. I just can't shake it, I assume because my immune system is not what it used to be. My head pounds daily. I take at least 4 Tylenol a day, but they don't do much to ease the head pounding.

We had our NT scan yesterday so I took 1/2 day of vacation. I went home after the appt and slept for 2 hours and was STILL exhausted. Dan looks at me like I am lying. Oh, if ONLY I was lying about how tired I am. I don't understand how I am supposed to keep up like this? I guess I should be happy that it hasn't really kicked in until now?

Onto the NT scan. All went well and both babies were very cooperative. The tech said all measurements were within normal range and I should get a call from the genetic counselor tomorrow to let me know our risk of Downs and whatever else they test for. After seeing babies on u/s again, Dan and I both think Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy.

Baby A was just chillin' and let the tech get the cutsie profile shots. It took her 5 tries to even get a heart rate on Baby B, not b/c there was an issue but b/c it (he??) was moving all over the place. At one point she got an "aerial" shot looking down on its head and you can see the arms going crazy, like it was karate chopping or something. Apparently, we have very stereotypical views of boys/girls, b/c this is what we are basing our very unscientific theory on:)

I saw Baby A swallowing, which was very cute. The tech was SO close to the "money shot." She showed us a view of the upper legs, from knees to hip, and I asked her to guess but she wouldn't:( So, we have 6 more weeks to find out the sexes.

Baby A's heartrate was 157. Not sure what we got on Baby B.

Oh, and I found out that Baby A is sitting toward my right, posterior placenta and Baby B is camped out on the back of my ute, anterior placenta. Sophie had an anterior placenta and I swear this is why 1) I didn't feel her moving until much later and 2) that I never looked that "big."

I will post u/s pics soon, I swear, as well as some new ones of Sophie.

12 weeks!

2011-03-28T13:32:00.004-05:00

I'm stealing the template below from other blogs I have seen:) I think it's a good way to keep track of the important things (like weight and stretch marks;))

Also, I should say I started this on Monday, and today is Wednesday, so it's already a bit out of date but you get the point.

How far along: 12 weeks, 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: 5 pounds, give or take
Maternity clothes: Most pants are maternity at this point. I can still wear some of my regular pants, but the maternity are just SO much more comfy. No tops yet...way huge on me.
Stretch marks: Nope. And none with Sophie. Hoping I can get out alive this time, but I doubt it.
Sleep: Major insomnia. I can fall asleep, but will wake between 2 and 4 and canNOT go back to sleep. It's horrible.
Best moment this week: Last night was my last PIO shot!!!
Movement: I swear I felt something last week. ANd no, it wasn't gas, but really I know it probably wasn't baby either.
Food cravings: Sweets. Last Thursday, I had two donuts for breakfast, and two candy bars later in the day.
Gender: ??? I guess a boy and girl.
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: A full nights sleep.
What I am looking forward to: NT scan tomorrow!!!

15 months

2011-03-15T14:52:00.001-05:00

I am SO late in posting about Sophie's 15 months stats, but better late than never. Officially, she weighed 24.5 pounds (80th percentile), head was also 80th and height was 20-25th percentile. She's definately inherited my vertical challenges. The appt itself went fine. We talked about when to reduce/cut out her pacifer use. Dr. R said as soon as possible. She asked how many words Sophie is saying and we had to say none, but she didn't seem concerned.

Unofficial stats are below...and I found this great template on someone else's blog that I am borrowing!

Size 18 months and some 24 months, although she still fits in some 12 month clothes also.

Hair: Leaning towards strawberry blonde. No haircuts recently since I'm trying to grow her bangs out long enough to tuck behind her ears. I had bangs growing up and hated them, plus they are so much more maintainance.

Teeth: We think she has 12 teeth, 8 front top and bottom, plus one molar top and bottom each side. Dr. R couldn't even get in there to see!

Sleeping: 12 hours, typically 7-7. One-two names during the day.

Eating: all the time. She is constantly signed "more" which in her world ONLY means food. She will bring an empty plastic ware bowl to us to fill up with something (anything). She still eats about anything, but loves the finger foods she can serve herself. Loves fruit of any kind, veggies have been pushed to the side lately. CHicken tenders are another definate winner.

Movement: Walking every where; no more crawling. Not running yet though.

Milestones: Hmmm...first cold?! It was horrible. She was up almost the entire night because she couldn't sleep/breath:( She can roll on to her belly and scoot off of our bed feet-first.

Favorite toys/activities: She loves her plastic stackable rings, and has started bringing books to us, although she doesn't necessarily want us to read them:) She loves the tupperware drawer and will play with the plastic ware for HOURS.

Dislikes: Getting her face/hands wiped after a meal, bathtime STILL.

Words/sounds: No definate words yet. SHe says something that sounds like "ish." I think she's trying to say "this." She sort of says daddy but in all one sylable.

It's real

2011-03-15T14:18:00.002-05:00

So, it hit me today, as we were leaving my first OB appt. We are having twins. Twins. TWINS. This is not a "normal" pregnancy. I was SO sure my normally laid back DR would just congratulate me and send me on my way. Of course, I had a lot of questions for her, but I thought she'd answer them more to humor me than anything. Not so much.

The first question was from Dan. "What about a C-Section?" I didn't even know he'd been THINKING about it. For all those anti-section readers, I must preface this by saying that Dr. S is normally very PRO vagingal birth. Her response was "A C-Section is a very real possibity." I listened to them chat back and forth for a minute and then jumped in and said "for the record, I'd really like to try vaginal." Of course Dr. S was fine with that, but did tell me it's a distinct possibility that I could have the first one vaginally, but the 2nd would have to be taken via C-Section. For those reasons, even a vaginal birth is going to take place in the OR. OR=SCARY. This was my first slap in the face of reality.

Next up "what about bed rest?" Dr S said "I normally have my twin moms cut down to part time at 28 weeks." WHAT??? Really? "Can I work from home?" "Maybe. It depends." I have a JOB people, that pays the MAJORITY of our bills! Obviously, I'd use my sick/vacation time if need be, but then that is less time to be home after babies are born. We can NOT afford for me to be on un-paid leave.

"We're going out of town when I'll be 25 weeks pregnant. That's fine, right?" She just looked at me, and finally put me in my place (for lack of a better term). "This is not a singleton pregnancy. Of course I hope that it doesn't have complications, but I cannot guarentee you that you'll be able to travel." "Well, how about driving instead of flying?" Once I told her it was a 9 hour drive she just looked at me and said "you are NOT going to be comfortable being in a car that long." So now, that's on hold. She said if we want a vacation, we need to take it before 20 weeks.

Otherwise, what I learned is:
1) monitoring every 4 weeks until 20 weeks, then down to every 2 weeks.
2) u/s (with the GOOD machine, I think!!!) at every appt. YAY!!
3) NT scan is being scheduled.
4) she was wishy-washy about weight gain, saying that I needed an extra 600 calories a day (not 300). She told me to weigh myself every few days and evaluate my eating habits if I noticed a significant increase. For the record, I've gained 5 pounds in 10 weeks.
5) Anatomy scan scheduled for May 10!!!!!!
6) She is writing a note so that I can get a disabled tag for my car, when at work.
7) I can pick up Sophie, but nothing else that weighs more than 25 pounds.
8) I should NOT start any new excercise/increase walking, etc.

Oh, and the best news is that we got to see babies again:) I really LOVE Dr. S, even though you might not be able to tell it from this post. I've just never had her be so strict before!

peaceful oblivion no more

2011-03-11T15:59:00.002-06:00

In my bout with insomnia last night, I got a bit paranoid. Funny how night-time waking can do funny things to your brain. I started thinking that maybe something was wrong with one/both babies, maybe a heartbeat (or two) stopped.

So, I called Dr. S office this morning and they were able to get me in for an u/s. I had actualaly only requested a heartbeat check, which they usually just do with the doppler. But, they told me that 1) at this early stage the doppler might not pick up the heartbeat, and 2) even if the doppler could pick up the hb, it would be hard at this point to determine if we were hearing both heartbeats. I forgot about the crappy u/s machine they use for situations like this. They have the new, high-tech one like Dr. K's office, but they also have a smaller, antiquated one that they wheel from room to room.

Anyhoo...both babies are still there, both hearts still beating. She was able to differentiate one lying down and one sitting up (as much as you can at this stage I guess??). Their feet were facing each other so it looked like my sweet little fuzzy blobs were playing footsie;)

We bought a house!!!!

2011-03-10T09:21:00.002-06:00

The news of the day (so far!) is that we officially sealed the deal on a house yesterday at 5 pm. I've had my eye on it for several weeks, but kept passing it up b/c I wasn't a fan of the outside. It's a ranch style house, which honestly, I find boring. I grew up in a ranch, and have just always envisioned (and loved) charming little A Frame 1 1/2 or 2 story houses. They have personality, lol:)

But, once our first house slipped away we knew we needed to kick it into high gear. Dan opened up his thoughts to other areas, and I opened up mine to other styles. We drove by the house a few weeks ago, and walked around and peeked in the windows. It definately drew us in, so we finally made an appt to go see it this past Saturday. It was the 3rd house we saw that day. The first two were FULL of charm and personality, but they needed some fixes, some pretty major. When we finally got to this appt though, we walked in and I fell in love:) The inside is PERFECT for us. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths upstairs, along with living room, dining room, family room and large open kitchen (that looks into living and dining rooms). Downstairs is TONS of storage, although the majority of the basement is finished, with a 4th bedroom, and potentially 5th if we put up some drywall.

It's on 1/3 of an acre, which for the burbs (and this one in particular) is really decent. There's a deck, patio and decent size backyard. Also, one car garage.

I'm really happy with it, even more so now that the negotiations are over.We don't close until June 23, which gives us over 3 months to sell our condo, which has already been on the market about 6 weeks. We continue to get showing requests, but so far (with the exception of one), all of the "negative" feedback has been nothing we can fix. A few people said 2nd bedroom was too small, one didn't like that there were lots of renters, etc.

So, that's the deal! I'm feeling much better now that ONE thing is set in stone. I was feeing really frazzled and scattered with some many balls up in the air.

In other news, my first OB appt is today. For a brief second this morning, I wondered if we'd get bad news today, like one's heart stopped beating or something. I quickly dismissed it. With all of this other stuff going on, I (thankfully) have been in peaceful oblivion of what's going on in ute-ville.

Sophie is officially 15 months! I'll make a separate post with her official and un-official stats:)

Wanna hear the McBabies???

2011-03-01T20:59:00.003-06:00

Finally got the video working. And, I was wrong about the heartbeats, Baby A was 174 and Baby B was 182. The video starts in the middle of Baby A heart beating:)

You also get some Sophia babbling in the background:)

still have two heartbeats:)

2011-03-01T09:21:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was our 8w1d ultrasound. Both babies were measuring on track, the same length actually. One had a heartrate of 177 and the other 184. We saw arm/leg buds on both, and the spine (very cool!) of one. I took a video, primarily of the heartbeats, but of course I'm having trouble uploading here.

Baby A was doing some wiggling, but B was superchill. It's amazing how much they've grown in just 13 days. The sacs seem supersized, lol. I'm beginning to wonder how my body is going to handle this.

After the u/s we met with Dr. K one last time. The consult room we used was the same one that saw MANY tears once upon a time. Several rooms have seen my tears, but this particular cryfest stood out to me. I'm fairly certain it was my WTF appt post failed FET #1, and my attempts to convince Dr. K that she needed to cut me open and look for endo. So, it was bittersweet that this was the last place we met with her.

She said babies looked great, vanishing twin syndrome should not be an issue at this point, and the chance of miscarriage is a bit more than 5%. She confirmed due dates, played with Sophie, and chatted with us about our plans.

I didn't expect to cry. I really didn't. But when we stood up, I hugged her and the waterworks started as I tried to say "thank you." It came out more of a blubbering mess. Then, Dan started crying. Poor Dr. K;) She ordered us to keep her posted, and to bring the babies in next fall.

So that's that. All done with the RE. Forever. Even if something happens with this pregancy, I really think I'm done. I'm done with the emotions and anxiety of it all.
And the guilt that I am still dealing with towards Sophie and feeling like I've ruined her life has really put in perspective for me that she is all I really need. Anything else is just a bonus:)

the hunger is obnoxious

2011-02-25T15:16:00.003-06:00

I have NEVER experienced anything like this before. I don't understand, lol! Last night, I got in bed and I realized I was starving. Not the "ohhh, maybe I should get some ice cream or a snack before bed," but outright stomach ROARING. Really? Dan brought me a hard boiled egg, and that curbed the hunger enough. But how could my stomach go from STARVING to satisfied with just one egg?

Today, I had a huge bowl of cereal for breakfast, and at 10:30 I was starving again. I went to Taco Bell, and now (at 3:20) I am starving AGAIN.

I am going to be one of those women rooting through the fridge at 2 in the morning. I always thought the constant eaters during the first tri where the ones that were just using pregancy as an excuse to eat. I am not, I swear. The longer I go without food the sicker I feel. If I eat a big meal, I am hungry an hour later. Where does it go????

Last night, I asked Dan to get me a block of cheddar cheese at the grocery. He asked "for what?" and I had to say, just because I want to eat it! Not a craving really, but it just seems easy for those times that I go from full to starving in a matter of minutes.

horror stories and nosy people...

2011-02-24T15:39:00.003-06:00

Dan met a couple with 7 month old twins at the hockey game on Saturday night. He HAD to introduce me, so off we went. I must say these two were cutie-patooties, one each being worn on mom and dad's chest. So sweet. They were originally pregnant with triplets, but the identical twin to the boy didn't make it out of the first trimester.

Enter my first twin horror story...mom said she gave birth at 36w5d, which is SO great. Then, she went on to say that the pregnancy caused her 64 pounds, 3 cracked ribs, HELPP, and the start of liver failure. She was induced the day after they found out about liver failure! There was one other horrible thing that happened to her, but I must have only been able to keep so much of her story in my head, b/c I can't remember it.

Yikes. Nice. Need to hear that!

I was out having lunch with two co-workers today, both of whom are pregnant. One is 18 weeks, the other is 21 weeks. We talked all things pregnancy, and it was fun. One of my co-workers asked to see the dessert tray. The ladies at the table next to us were getting up as the server brought over the tray. The lady at the next table(STRANGER!) looked at me at said "you're having twins, eat whatever dessert you want."

I just looked at her! I mean, I am a nosy nelly, and often quite enjoy listening to other peoples conversations but would NEVER openly admit I was eavesdropping. Seriously???

Sophia fun:)

2011-02-22T20:51:00.003-06:00

I'm working on teaching Sophie some basic body parts. This is what she does when you ask her where her nose is:)

Sophie and I met a new friend and her son at the park on Sunday. SHe was more into the leaves than the swings/slides. I love this picture of her, she is just so INTO the leaves:)

My 'lil gansta girl has taken to wearing my baseball caps.

catching up

2011-02-22T14:27:00.004-06:00

It's been a while since I posted, but all is going well. I'm just stressed. Let's start with the good stuff though:)

Is it possible to love Sophie more and more each day? I didn't think so. I thought I maxed out on my love for her the day she was born, but she continues to do things that just melt my heart, and seems to make it grow wider every day. She gives me hugs now. LOVE. If I'm holding her, and ask for a hug, she'll just snuggle her little head onto my chest and hold on for dear life:) She attacked me with kisses last night, both (attempted) puckered and open mouth:) It ended with my face covered in slobber but I didn't care. I was playing with her a few nights ago and she was in a mood to pull clothes out of her drawer. She kept hitting me with them as she pulled them out. I said "ow" because a button or something scratched my face. She immediately stopped what she was doing, sat down and put her head in my lap. I guess it was her I'm sorry. She resumes the clothes tossing and hit me again. I said "ow" again, and I got another "apology." :)

Things seem to be progressing in McBaby land as well. Next u/s is on Monday, but I continue to feel sick, so I'm taking reassurance in that. I'm still having a hard time (and the guilt to go with it) of processing what is happening.

I'm contemplating starting Sophie in day care 2 days a week, starting this summer. She REALLY needs to get out and socialize more. She's at the point where she identifies kids/babies and knows they are "like" her. I want to get the daycare started before babies arrive, so I'm thinking July-ish. I feel guilt about this too, but honestly, I had planned to get her in daycare around the 2 year mark anyway, so this is just starting a bit earlier.

We had 5 condo showings in 3 days, with no takers. I'm not upset, as all but one of the feedbacks we received was good, but time is ticking. I just wish we could move and get settled sooner rather than later.

The house we LOVED is now sold:( Dan and I are arguing over where to look. He's resistant to looking anywhere except one particular area, but with twins on the way, we now want/need more house for less money. Something is going to have to give.

I hope it's not my sanity.

Meet McBabies #2 and #3

2011-02-17T07:47:00.005-06:00

The u/s pictures were really not that great, and this pic of a pic is even less great. The tech (and she's fantastic) had a really hard time getting pics of them, especially one with both in the same shot. ALthough the uterus is so small at this point, about the size of my fist I think(??), they are camped out on opposite sides, getting some alone time before they are reduced to a studio size apartment;)

BUT...here they are...McBaby #2 and McBaby #3

Mentally, I'm doing better today. I think. Thanks so much for all the nice e-mails, they are greatly appreciated:) Physically, I almost puked this morning. I had that stomach is rolling and better get to the bathroom asap. But, it went away. Dr. K gave me a script for Zofran. It definately helps, although doesn't take away all the nauseau.

Dan continues to tell people. He'll say "oh, so and so said this." I then confirm that he told them. I can't be upset about it. It's his news too. And quite honestly, I'd love to shout it from the rooftops, I'm just afraid of something going wrong. Vanishing twins are quite common.

A few more details...

2011-02-16T10:42:00.002-06:00

I realize I was pretty to the point again yesterday. I just felt (and still feel) so wound up, I can't relax, my mind is racing and it won't slow down enough for me to catch a thought.

For starters, I stopped taking my Prozac. It's ironic the similarities between my pregnancy with Sophia and this one. I used up the last of my pills just as I found out I was pregnant, and never refilled until after my pp appt. THis time, I think I need to keep taking it. I hate to, but better a less-stressed me than some raging hormonal lunatic. I don't know. I'm definately going to fill it, and at least have it if I need it. I've been about 4 days without it so far, and I can tell the difference.

No more spotting thankfully. I swear, prior to them calling me back yesterday I was pacing the waiting room like a caged animal. I could not sit still. I needed to be active so my body was keeping up with my mind.

Once back in the u/s room, Dan sat down and held SOphie. I had planned on taking my camera to video everything, but once the spotting started, I knew there was no way I was going to video it, if something bad really was going on in there. From him, I heard "Oh my God" and "holy crap." :)

He left the u/s room showing all the staff the pictures. Bragging. He was SO excited. We took the elevator down with another couple that had gotten good news. Twins for them also, on their first try. Dan was just chatting it up, so elated. I think I was silent, except for the obligatory congrats I'm so happy for you. Again, shock?

The entire u/s was very out of body. Once she determined there were 2 (and that hearts were beating), she zoomed in on each one and took measurements. They are currently about the size of a grain of rice:) We got to hear the heartbeat of each one. AMAZING. I'm still amazed that there are two beating hearts in my uterus. I'm still overwhelmed. Will this go away?

The tech searched and searched for the cause of the spotting and could find nothing. She then took us to meet with Dr K, who said "hello family of five." Again, overwhelmed. Woah. I never thought this would be me, be us.

Why am I so shocked? I don't get it. I just don't. I guess because the "good" stuff never happens to me? I'm not a lucky person, generally. I didn't expect this FET to work. Primarily, we did it because i didn't want to pay another annual fee for the storage of the embryos! I knew we would use them eventually, as I have serious issues with the idea of embryo destruction. If anything, we would have donated them to stem cell research, but I know it would have taken me a long time to come to terms with that. Not because they were ours, but because they were potential Sophia siblings.

I feel guilty that I'm not over the moon. I feel guilty for Sophia. I feel like I am stealing something from her (my love and attention). I feel like my wanting to get pregnant again can be taken that she is not enough for me. But she is is. She absolutely is.

Whoever is reading this must think that I have lost my mind. I hope I am not offending anyone, especially those that may still be trying to successfully have their first child. But it's what's going on right now, in my Prozac-less brain.

two

2011-02-15T14:55:00.002-06:00

Well...there are indeed two little hearts beating away. HOLY SHIT. I'm sorry, that doesn't seem appropriate, but I'm in complete shock. Really. I mean, how did it take EIGHT embryos to make Sophie, and only three to make TWO more?

My world got rocked about 11 am today. I had an off-campus meeting at 11 am. I ran to the restroom prior, and I was spotting red. I freaked as much as I could, but I was running the meeting so I really had to keep it in check. I kept saying, "it's ok, you'll have an u/s in just a few hours and you can find out what's going on."

We get to Dr. K's office and the u/s tech was running WAY behind. I was PACING the waiting room. Dan and Sophie were with me. I couldn't even tell Dan about the spotting until right before they took us back, because I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. The second we were back in the u/s area I told the tech about the spotting. She asked what my levels were.

I got undressed, I got in the chair. I covered my eyes. I couldn't look. I didn't want to see anything bad. I couldn't get this far and have something bad happen. She finally said that "there are two reasons you might typically spot at this point. One is (and she used the acryonym for the common cause of spotting--generally some little area around the sac that is irritated and two, because there are multiple babies. You are having twins."

I was in shock. First, ecstatic that there was one healthy baby, and then pure SHOCK.

2 sacs, 2 heartbeats (one at 115 and the other at 122), measuring 6w2d. Everything looked perfect. SHe could not find the cause of the spotting.

Dr. K gave me the due date of Oct 9 (40 weeks) and Sept 11 (36 weeks)...I go back end of next week for another u/s and if all looks good she'll release me to my OB.

This is just so surreal. I never expected this to be me. We struggled so long to have one and now we might have THREE?!

I will take pics of the u/s pics and post them tonight:)

Dan keeps saying holy crap. I haven't made it to the excitement phase yet. I need to process.

Open house

2011-02-14T15:50:00.003-06:00

In my attempt to keep my mind off of the (hopefully) growing embryo(s) hanging out in my uterus, I thought I could make an update on condo-selling status.

We had our first open house yesterday, and it had alot of interest! Our realtor was surprised,as the last condo open houses she's had have not gone over well. The condo market is not exactly sky high right now. There were several young professionals and young couples that came in, a few that had their realtor with them. Everyone that came through were either renters looking to buy, or students (Med School) moving to the area. That bodes well for us, in that it would eliminate one layer of the waitiing time to get a closing done, since we wouldn't be waiting on them to sell their property. And, most of the renters have leases that are up in the next few months. Our realtor is going to try to get another Open House booked in February!

We were both so excited to hear that our condo had some interest!!!! Deinately motivated us.

In Sophie news, she is walking about 75% now, and crawling the rest of the time. She tried jello and cottage cheese over the weekend-first time for both (and loved them both).

And, in uterus news b/c why WOULDN'T I go there, things seem to be progressing. My sensitivity to smells is simply obnoxious. I can smell Sophie's diaper from across the room, the detergent smell when I drink out of a glass, the frozen meat when I open the freezer.

Ultrasound in 21 hours.

poo-poo...

2011-02-11T11:14:00.003-06:00

not in Sophie's diaper, but how I'm feeling.

The symptoms have slammed into me in the last few days. I go from ravenous one minute to ready to hurl the next. No hurling yet, though. I do not remember this from my pregnancy with Sophie. It's just this gross, constantly nauseous feeling. It's always there. Also, I am craving red meat. The more the better. Dan made steak last night, the day before I had roast beef for lunch, and the days before that Dan (at my suggestion), made corned beef. Nothing else sounds good.

I'm tired, going to bed early each night, grateful that Sophie adjusted her own bedtime a few weeks ago so she's usually in bed by 8ish. After that, it's lights out for me.

Ultrasound is Tuesday at 12:40. I asked if that was too early, and she said no, anytime next week is fine. I just checked my blog post from Sophie's first u/s. At that time, I was 6w4d, measuring 6w2d. So, if I am measuring right on this time, my guess is that we should see something similar to what we saw with her. And, I forgot that you can see the heartbeat that early...hers was beating away at 122 bpm:)

8176

2011-02-09T13:30:00.004-06:00

is beta number two, at 19dp5dFET (24 dpo). Can I say it again? 8176. Yes, this is what I was looking for in the way of being able to relax. Now, I will relax, for a bit:)

Of course, I checked out betabase. At this point, it's looking on the high end for singeton, and pretty much on track for twins. Holy shit.

I can't tell Dan, b/c Sophie dropped his phone in the toilet this morning and fried it. My only hope is if I can catch him on FB and IM him. Otherwise, he won't know until 5 pm. Probably better that way, lol:)

Now, I'm waiting on the secretary to call me to schedule the u/s for next week. O.M.G.

That's all for today:)

Meet the embryos

2011-02-06T14:26:00.008-06:00

Here they are! I had to take a picture of them, since I couldn't get the scanner to work right. You probably need to click on the picture to get a better view.

The one on the right is the "good" one. The one on the bottom is the one that Dr. K said she could see the placenta forming (around the 11 to 1 o'clock range). In the two that were not so great, you can see the necrotic cells, they look pitted.

So, which one(s) stuck? Tomorrow is beta #2. I swear, this 6 day wait has been much harder than the 12 day wait to get the first beta. At least then I could appease myself with home tests. Now, if I were to take a test of course it would be positive, b/c my beta is so high, but it's not necessarily indicative of a healthy pregnancy.

If my math is right, beta needs to come back tomorrow at least 4000. This would be a doubling time of 36 hours. On the higher end, 48 hour doubling time, it would be closer to the 8000 range. All I ask is for a solid doubling, plus some. I don't want to have to worry for the next week that "yes it doubled, but it's low." I want a solid doubling, giving me no reason to think that things aren't going as they should.

The weekend was tough. I wasn't feeling much, except more sleepy. But, we got in the car to head to a Superbowl party and I started getting car sick. I had this symptom with Sophie also, so that was reassuring. Otherwise, still not much of anything. Nausea that comes and goes, no boob pain whatsoever. Yesterday, I was sitting in a meeting and had this single instance of a streak of pain across my abdomen. Not sure what that was? The dull achy crampy feeling continues to be on and off as well. The bloat is ridiculous. Now, at the start of the day my size 10's are tight. I don't remember the bloating starting so early last time?!

Tick tock, tick tock. The call should come tommorrow between 1 and 4. Lord help me until then.

14 months

2011-02-06T14:16:00.006-06:00

It seems like I've been overlooking Sophie updates since the FET. Saturday, she was 14 months old! Here are the unofficial stats.

1) 8 teeth (front 4 top and bottom), with 3 molars on the way
2) She knows that keys, coats and shoes mean "bye-bye."
3) Typical breakfast: whole grain toast, turkey sausage and fruit
4) still mostly babbling, but I *think* she knows that I am mama.
5) She's been rocking the whale spout, since I'm trying to grow her bangs out. She refuses to keep a barrette in her hair.
6) 12-18 month clothes
7) Intrigued by everything she finds in my bathroom.
8) Water and milk only, we haven't ventured into juice land yet. Dan swears she isn't getting soda until she's 10:)
9) Recognizes babies and little kids.
10) Gives kisses, open mouthed and puckered:)
11) Still loves wooden puzzles, especially holding the pieces up to her ear like a phone, and smacking two pieces together.
12) She has the best giggle I have EVER heard. It makes my tear up from hapiness.
13) She's walking more and more, and can walk down the length of our hallway easily without falling.
14) She knows that shoes and socks go on feet, but she hasn't exactly figured out how to put them on.
15) When I ask where her nose is, she sticks her finger in her nostril! Is starting to identify eyes and ears, also.

When we say "scrinkle" this is what she does:)

My big girl:)

almost completely happy:)

2011-02-04T15:45:00.005-06:00

First of all, thanks to all of you who sent e-mails, texts, blog comments and cryptic facebook messages:) It's so nice to know we have such a bunch of caring friends, family (and strangers!!!) on our side:)

I realize that my post yesterday was very "to the point." I got a great beta, and Sophie got a great report from her Ortho.

A little more about yesterday. I waited not so patiently for the phone to ring, which of course it didn't. I left work to get Sophie and Dan and we were off to her Ortho appt. As her name was being called in to see the dr, they called. Go figure. The reception in the hospital was horrible. I heard 1004, I said holy cannoli, and then we started to schedule the next appt. Lost call. I tried to call right back with no luck.

I went in to find Dan and Sophie and they were already sitting in the x-ray waiting area. I told Dan my number. He said "what does that mean?" I told him that Sophie's number on the exact same dpo was 147. This one was 1004. He said "there are two." I said we don't know that, but we know that it's a good number. I'm sure he was realing, lol. He then said "we're not buying more EPTs":)

We got back to x-ray and they handed Dan the lead vest. I asked if I could be in there if I was pregnant and they said NO. They weren't even going to ask! So, I stepped out, and Sophie was a trooper getting her x-ray done. Dr. K came in later, looked at the x-ray, gave her an exam and said that all looked great. By 12 months, they like to see the hip/socket at a 30% angle, and hers is currently at 28%, so not perfect but good enough.

After her appt, we grabbed a bite to eat in the cafeteria. I called Dr. K's office back. We confirmed a 2nd blood test next Wed. If that looks good, u/s would be the following week, at about 6 1/2 weeks. Currently, I'm not even 5 weeks. It seems pathetic...and a long road. But, I'm feeling good about all of it. Yes, things can happen. Yes, I've had a m/c. But, I don't have a hx of recurrent m/c, my beta was great, I'm feeling a bit crappy, so I can only hope for the best.

I'm bloated. My size 10 jeans are snug. I know it's bloat and not bump (obviously), but it's not comfy. I felt some weird sharp tugs in my lower right this morning. Good tugs, I hope. Something is definately going on down there. I feel full, constantly, but yet my stomach growls. Nothing sounds good.

Have I been obsessively googling single vs twins? Yes. Do I know anything more than before I started googling? No. Have a been googling symptoms that are "on and then off?" Yes. What have I found? It's normal. lol.

Today, I am pregnant. That is my mantra:)

1004

2011-02-03T16:05:00.004-06:00

They finally called with beta number, as we were walking into Sophie's Dr appt.

1004.

I said "holy cannoli!" She said it's a good, strong number, but gave no indication that it might be twins. I know that beta numbers are not indicative at ALL of how many are growing in there, but it's still much higher than I expected.

According to betabase, it could go either way, singleton or twins.

What I love is that it's a great number, and I don't have to worry about a little one not being so strong. I feel confident (for now) that all is well. Dan told me he's not buying anymore EPTs:)

But the REALLY good news of the day is that SOphie's little hips look great. She hasn't been since she was 7 months. Dr. K wanted to see her after she started to walk. They took an x-ray, for which I couldn't be in the room b/c I am PREGNANT, and her hips are right where they need them to be. She will go back just before she turns three.

OMG, well that is great news all around. Fantastic beta for me and fantastic hip report for Sophia. It's a good day:)

beta has been drawn...

2011-02-03T09:10:00.003-06:00

and now I wait, lol. t minus 7 hours or so.

I told the blood draw lady that I'd gotten 3 positive tests. SHe looked at me and said "well, then you are pregnant." I told her that I won't believe it until I hear it from the office. I'm mentally preparing myself for "You're pregnant, but the number is lower than we'd like."

This day is going to drag!!! Sophie has an appt at 2:30 with her pedi ortho to check on her dsyplasia. I gave Dr. K's office strict instructions to call on my cell between 1:45 and 4, but of course I probably won't get reception.

Long, long day. here we go........

crying...

2011-02-02T14:56:00.003-06:00

I had a crying spell this morning. Dan's fault. He made me cry. I cannot remember the last time I cried, which, considering the meds I've been on, it's really surprising. I felt myself starting to pucker up this morning and let the waterworks start, and thought "oh, this is good, lol." I then started sobbing. I'm going to hope the increase in emotions is a good sign. Also a bit crampy today.

By the way, I peed on another stick yesterday morning and it was still positive. Since they put off my beta until TOMORROW, I made Dan buy me another pack of tests. He asked "why, you've already gotten two positives." I said, "trust me, if you want to be stuck in this condo with me for the next two days, I need some reassurance." He complied:)

Ok, so this time tomorrow I should be getting the call. Fingers, toes, legs, everything is crossed!!!!!!

one step forward, two steps back...

2011-01-31T14:13:00.003-06:00

OK, so Dr. K's office called to let me know that I can't come in until THURSDAY for my beta. UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The weather apparently is going to be ridiculously bad, lots of ice followed by lots of snow. Businesses are planning on being closed tomorrow, and possibly for days after.

When S called to move my beta to Thursday I said "you people are killing me! You're going to force me to go out and buy more EPTs." She just laughed and said go for it. So, I guess the word is out around the office that I got a +:)

beta moved up a day:)

2011-01-31T11:46:00.004-06:00

Thanks to the lovely weather that we are expecting, it was quite easy to get my beta moved from Wed, to tomorrow!!!

I can't get in to see my PCP until Friday, but I did talk to Dr. K's nurse about the rash. She said it's fine to keep up with the Benedryl and hydrocortizone until I see the doctor. It seems to be a bit better, itch-wise. Hoping that it will be gone soon though. I know my ankles are swollen b/c my shoes feel tight on my feet.

In Sophie news...she is officially walking! She still prefers to crawl, and does an adorable knee walk, but she is most definately walking. It's one of the cutest things I've ever seen...I see where the term toddler comes from:)

I should never have joked about...

2011-01-30T15:58:00.003-06:00

scratching an itch...because now I have a rash. I noticed this weird feeling on my ankles Friday morning, but didn't really think anything about it. By Friday night, it looked like this...

Oh, and my ankles are swollen. Sorry about the hairy legs. There's no way I'm shaving!!

I don't think it can be a reaction to any of my meds, because 1) I've been taking them for weeks, and 2) I've taken them so many times before this cycle. I broke down and got some hydrocortizone and calamine lotion this morning. The itch is ridiculously miserable:( I'll call my PCP in the morning to see if I can get in, and also call Dr. K to confirm that it shouldn't be the meds.

Also, we are expecting a winter storm of epic proportions. Inches of ice followed by up to a foot of snow, starting tomorrow and continuing through Wed afternoon. Reminder: beta is Wed morning. So, in addition to talking to Dr. K's nurse about the rash, I'm hoping to get the beta moved up in the event that the weather is nasty on Wed.

We just got a call from our realtor that someone wants to see our condo in the morning! Luckily, I spent some time cleaning this weekend, so it didn't take much to get it in showing shape. We'll give it another vaccuum in the AM, and then Sophie, Dan and Sierra are going to work with me. The showing is scheduled from 9-10 am.

And the BEST news is that I decided to pee on another $5 this morning and it was still positive, and darker:)

I've had major insomnia the past two nights, and finally took a benadryl last night to curb my itching ankles and help me fall asleep. I don't have much of an apetite either, and the queasiness has been setting in about 6 pm each night. I'm not complaining (YET!), it's so reassuring.

I scratched the itch.

2011-01-28T06:36:00.009-06:00

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

That said, I'm not entirely surprised, I haven't been feeling quite right. However, that didn't ease the unnervingness of this testing process. I woke up at 6 am and realized that I had decided to test today. My heart started racing. At 6:04 I got out of bed with the mantra in my head "if it's negative, it might just be too early." I peed. I put the stick down, hoping to brush my teeth, put in my contacts etc, during the 2 minutes it's supposed to take the test to offer up the results. But I kept cheating, and checking the stick. And I saw the +, and my hands started shaking. It's really hard to put in your contacts when you can't keep your hands still!!!

At first, it was only the one line and I got discouraged, but through each of my peeks, the second line kept forming.

Holy shit.

I keep saying "this was just too easy." I mean, it took us eight embryos to make Sophia. I would expect us it to take 8 more to make her sibling. But we transferred three. THREE. Freaking a bit now at that decision.

I know there's a LONGGGGG road ahead. I've had a miscarriage before. But, for today, I am pregnant:)

There have been too many little devils on my shoulder telling me to test. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I will protect the anonymity of someone who might read this blog. Hope to be able to tell the whole story in a few weeks. It's crazy what a small, SMALL world this is:)

Dan was still sleeping when I took the test. He and Sophie woke up about the same time. I changed her, grabbed the stick and headed for the bedroom. I shoved it in his face. Romantic, huh? He jumped back like it was a spider or something.
"What's that?"
"It's a test. A positive test."
"Huh? It's early. Explain"
"It's a positive pregnancy test."
"Could it be a false positive?"
"No. I didn't take any meds that might give a false positive."
"Oh." "wow." "it's early." "SOphie, are you ready to be a big sister? Oh, poor Sierra." "Please let it be a girl."

A few minutes later he apologized for not being more excited, but I think I shocked the shit out of him, lol. He had no idea I was testing.

So, beta is Feb 2. NOthing I can do until then but wait.

I'm pregnant! Again!

Oh, and PLEASE. No word of this on Facebook. I'm not sure yet if I'll tell my mom, or wait until beta. She's a worry-wart. Dan said he'll tell his mom, but aside from this blog, and a few friends, we're keeping it under wraps.

getting the itch...

2011-01-27T12:22:00.002-06:00

to pee on something. Specifically, one of those damn tests that have now been thrown to the back of my bathroom cabinet.

6dp6dt today. No spotting, no boob issues, not really crampy enough to call it crampy, a bit queasy but that could be b/c this is so nerve-wracking. Last night, I almost gagged changing Sophie's poopy diaper. I have never come CLOSE to gagging during a diaper change before, but last night it got to me. Also, yesterday I walked into our suite of offices and immediately yelled "someone's eating french fries." It's no secret around the office that I adore fries. I immediately started looking for the culprit. Turned out it wasn't fries, but WAS potatoes. A co-worker said "wow, I didn't smell those at all!" Is that something? Anything? Wishful thinking?

The FET ended up costing $500 less than I expected, so I'm rationalizing my desire to POAS as "now we can afford to buy more if these are negative."

But, in reality the devastation of a BFN, even though technically it might be too early is alot to deal with. I somewhat enjoy living in the land of the blissful unknown.

my treat

2011-01-26T11:53:00.005-06:00

Dan called yesterday about 4:30 asking me to run by Wal.greens on my way home to pick up a few scripts for him. He had a hellacious dental appt earlier in the day, and the dentist had called in Vicadin and penicillin for him. Did I WANT to go to Wal.greens in rush hour traffic? No. Did I WANT to stand in the pharmacy line at 5 pm? No. But I did, b/c I'm nice:) So, on the way there I'm mentally going through the store trying to think if there's anything else I/we need while I'm there. I came up with eyeshadow and deodorant.

In my head, I continue down the aisles, and OH. Wait! I can get a pregnancy test!!! No, that's silly. Waste of money. BUT, the FET ended up costing a bit less than expected, so why not? No, it's dumb. If I have them, I will use them, and it's too early. But I'll be there, so why not. I can always return them if I don't use them (yeah, right).

In the end, I bought a box of 2 F.act Pl.us tests. When I left this morning they were sitting on the kitchen counter. Better in the kitchen than in the bathroom, where I might actually pee on one of them. But, they are in the condo.

When I gave Dan the bag from Walgreens last night, he ignored the test, and just went for the Vicadin, lol. I thought he was ignoring it, but he did seem to be in quite a bit of pain. This morning, he said "what's this" when he saw the HPT box. I didn't answer b/c DUH, what do you think it is?! He said "I thought only drs tests were right." Um no, we got our first BFP at home dum-dum. I then told him it was my treat for driving to the pharmacy in rush-hour traffic:) Better than a bag of m and m's, right??

So....I'm exhausted (it's the PIO). I could barely keep my eyes open last night. Today, I'm a bit crampy. No spotting, no heartburn. I analyzed my boobs last night...they are not veiny, not sore. I had some very vivid dreams last night, some of them were um...interesting...Was it b/c I was so tired and got some serious REM sleep going, or was it b/c, until yesterday, I forgot that vivid dreams have been known to be an early symptom, and it was my mind just messing with me?

tick tock, tick tock, 7 days until beta (at least 4 days until I pee on something).

4dp5dt

2011-01-25T12:50:00.005-06:00

This post was supposed to have a picture of the transferred embryos, but no such luck. I can't get it to upload. You aren't missing too much, just picture 3 moon looking blobs and you get the picture:)

So, here I sit at 4dp5dt (or it is 6d)? They were frozen at 5 days, but then given a day to thaw, so who knows really.

I'm feeling pretty ambivilent today. Not optimistic, not pessimistic. No symptoms to speak of. I spent the morning reading blogs of successful FETs. Probably not a smart move, but whatever. I need something, lol:)

Still debating on to test or not. In everything I've read, successful FETs typically start off on the low side, beta-wise. Meaning that if I DID test, and the HCG was too low, it might not show up. At the earliest, I would wait until Sunday.

With FET #1, I didn't spot at all. With IVF #2 (that worked), I spotted/bled alot. Given those two experiences, I'm not sure if I WANT to see blood on the tp, or not. And yes, I've started looking. That's just what I do.

If I remember correctly, my very first symptom with the SOphie pregnancy was heartburn. I remember it b/c I NEVER get heartburn. So far, no heartburn.

Hey little embies, what are you doing down there? Anything productive?

PIO is a pain in my bum...

2011-01-24T11:56:00.003-06:00

literally and figuratively.

I am ROCKING the bruises on both hips this morning. Yikes. They h.u.r.t.

The PIO has also started those lovely "could-be" pregnancy symptoms, such as fatigue. Yesterday, Sophie, Sierra and I had a nice, long nap, lol. Before than (aside from my Valium induced nap on Friday), I cannot remember the last time I napped, and it felt GOOD:)

I'm trying to stay positive. I really am. The truth is, I think as of right now, my body knows if I'm pregnant or not. If any of those embies were going to implant, it would have happened this weekend. Sucks that I have to wait 9 more days to find out.

I'm so disappointed that they didn't look better. I'm so upset that I knew about those "great" stats with vitrification. I would have done better I think, assuming the worst, that I only had a 30% chance of this working. In my mind, I had built it up to be more like 50%, which isn't far-fetched at all considering the stats that Dr. K gave to me.

Dan started talking girl names this weekend. It's fun and all, but really? Shoule we go there? I think not. But it's so hard NOT to go there.

I told Dan on Saturday night that we WOULD be trying one last IUI if this does not work. I didn't say it that harshly, but I just laid it out there...that we have the frozen sperm...he has to do NOTHING in that cycle, except put up with a hormonal me, and that's it. THen, that really would be it. RIght?

I contemplated another fresh IVF as I was trying to fall asleep last night. I really don't think I could convince him of that. ANd why, really. We have our miracle. I don't want to be selfish.

9 days and counting...

so many thoughts...

2011-01-23T13:08:00.004-06:00

I forgot what an emotional rollercoaster this is. Friday night was spent stressing/over-thinking just about everything.
After the transfer I asked the nurse to use a marker to mark where we should be aiming the PIO needle. Dan had been hitting the correct general area, but not inside the circles that the nurse drew. So, I freaked, thinking my body doesn't have enough P4 to support the embies. So what did I do? I upped the PIO from 1 cc to 1.5 cc's for the past three nights.

Then, I read in my "instructions" yesterday not to take any baths, or get in any hot tubs or saunas until the pregancy test. I read this as I was using the laptop in bed. I immediately thought that it must be b/c my body temp shouldn't get too hot...so of course I assumed I fried my embies with the laptop on my stomach.

I woke up yesterday morning not even remembering the transfer. Once I did, it felt like it was all a dream, like it had never happened. My uterus felt empty:( As it should, I guess. I of course started thinking that it was my minds way of telling me that it didn't work. Ugh.

Today was better. I still took it easy with Sophie, not lifting her if I could help it. Tomorrow, I'll return to normal. After all, women get pregnant all the time while having toddlers, kids, vaccuuming, etc.

I did the unthinkable a few minutes ago though. I scoured my bathroom cabinets for pregnancy tests. I couldn't find ONE. I must have trashed them months ago, b/c they would have been expired by now anyway.

Geez, I hate this.

I've mentioned before that Sophie is quite the sweater. This picture was taken today, after her nap (when she tends to sweat ALOT). Look at all the sweat curls, lol:)

horizontal blogging

2011-01-21T15:33:00.004-06:00

Our FET happened at 10 am this morning. All went well, especially after 2 Valium;) Sophie woke us up at 4:40, and at about 5 am I realized that I hadn't talked to Dr K about Assisted Hatching of the embryos. I also realized that I hadn't confirmed that it would be Dr. K that actually did the transfer. Obsessive me starting calling at 8 am, in hopes of talking with the IVF nurse about AH. Turns out, they do AH with all FETs.

The embryos could have looked better. All three DID survive the thaw, but only one looked really good. THe other two were becoming necrotic, and on one Dr. K even pointed out that the part (for lack of a better term) that would/could become the placenta didn't look so great. Needless to say, I was upset. That said, I have heard SO many stories of crappy looking embies going on to make babies, while the great looking embies that you would assume would make a baby not working. So, we'll see.

The transfer itself went fabulously. Typically, it's been the transfer that has been the rough part for us, so I'm thankful that I don't have that to worry about. As they were wheeling me out of the OR, I told Dr. K that I was worried the two didn't look so great. Her response was "I'm thrilled that one looked good." She's right. We've now done all we can do. They had me lie on my back for 30 minutes and then we were off.

I WISH I didn't know about the great stats recently. They did get my hopes up. Now, my hopes are not so great. The nurses reminded me that spotting/bleeding is/can be normal, so not to stress over that. I did not spot at ALL with FET #1, but did spot (and bleed) with both fresh IVFs.

Beta is Tues Feb 4, 12 days post transfer. I confirmed that if implantation is going to happen, it will occur in the next day or so.

Prior to the transfer, Dan said "this is it." I reminded him that we still have frozen sperm and he shook his head no. I was in no position or mood to argue my point, but am willing to fight for one more IUI cycle should this not work.

We stopped by McDonald's, and then got home about 11:30. My mom was watching Sophie, so after eating I went straight to bed where I slept off the Valium. My parents just left about 3 PM, and Dan's mom came to take over Sophie duty for the next few hours. I'm on light duty, and can't lift anything over 20 pounds for the next few days, which means Sophie:( She can crawl up in my lap, but I can't actually pick her up.

I'm in bed, and our scanner is packed away. Will post a picture of my 3 little embies on Monday. Stick little ones,please...

less than 48 hours...

2011-01-19T16:16:00.001-06:00

I hope to have at least 2 little embies attempting to implant in the next 48 hours. I'm not expecting the 3rd to thaw, but certainly hope that the two "good" ones survive the thaw process.

Thankfully work and home life have been keeping me busy. The closer I get though, the more I REALLY want this work. Not that I *didn't* want this to work last week or last month, but this really is probably our last shot.

And the fact that Sophia is such a good, sweet baby makes me want another so much. Of course, I know there's no guarentee that McBaby #2 (or 3) will be like her, but she just makes it so easy. We still just stare and her, and look at each other and say "is she really ours?" or "how did we get so lucky?" or "she really is beautiful, isn't she?"

The truth is, now I know what I'm missing. Pre-Sophie, I wanted what alluded me so many times. Now, I know how great it is, and I want it again. That said, the pressure for this to work is not as great. Of course, I'll be heart-broken if the FET doesn't work, deeply upset, but as Dan says, it's a win-win situation for us. Even if this FET doesn't work, we have Sophie, which is all we really wanted in the first place.

Last night was the first night since moving her to her crib that I actually got up to get her, after she woke me up with her crying. It was obvious she didn't feel well, so I brought her to bed with us. She kept tossing and turning, and seemed warm so we gave her some Tylenol. She laid on my chest until she feel asleep. To me, it didn't matter what time it was, or that I had to get up a few hours later. I was so grateful to HAVE a child that woke me up in the middle of the night. I hope,hope, hope that there is another in our near future.

On the market!!!

2011-01-18T06:55:00.002-06:00

Our condo is officially on the market!! Woohoo!!! Wish I could post the listing here, but that is a bit weird...putting my address out there like that,lol. We spent SO much time cleaning this weekend. There is a broker open house today, and a public open house this weekend. Is it too much to ask that someone sees it and loves it and put in a contract?? I suppose in this economy, yes that is too much to ask.

But, I cannot IMAGINE keeping this level of cleanliness. We have a baby and a shedding dog!

In FET news, I took my antiobiotic on Sunday, and also started the PIO. I started Medrol on Monday, upped the PIO and also started baby aspirin. Also, I got a call from my pharmacy saying I have a script to pick up, so I assume Dr. K was fine with calling in the Valium for me.

I won't know until Thursday afternoon what time to be at Dr. K's office, but I just scheduled a massage appt for 9 am Friday morning. Between the massage and the Valium, I will be a wet noodle:)

Sophie took her first few stumbling steps this weekend. She also did alot of knee walking, which I have NEVER seen before, lol. I wanted to post more pics than this, but ran out of time this morning. In addition to the knee walking, she's started doing these weird leg moves. I'm not sure if it's a precurser to walking, but it sure is adorable:)

"not while I'm eating"

2011-01-14T15:01:00.002-06:00

This was Dan's response to my comment last night "I have a dildo-cam appt in the morning." It SO reminded me of the SATC episode with Charlotte and Trey, when they were trying to get pregnant. Except, I think in that episode Charlotte was talking about sperm:)

My monitoring appt went well. My lining is at a 12 which is great, and P4 is where it needs to be. I honestly didn't even ask the #, b/c I know I haven't O'd, and that's really what they are looking for with that blood draw.

Soooo...on Sunday, I'll take my antibiotic, and also start PIO and baby aspirin (continuing to also take the Estrace). FET is set for next Friday, Jan 21. They'll call me the day before to give a more specific time. At my RE, all of the fresh IVF ER and ETs are first, and then the FETs come after, so it really depends on what's going on with other patients.

I also asked the nurse to ask Dr. K for a few Valium pills for that morning. I really do think that taking Valium with IVF #2 was one of the different things we did that helped to make that cycle successful. At my u/s this morning my ute was back to looking "severely retroverted." The Valium tends to help straighten it out a bit.

Let the countdown begin. I'm trying to keep myself busy with things. Dan and I are going to a movie tomorrow, I'm having lunch with friends on Sunday, Monday will be spent cleaning for our first open house on Tues...must.keep.mind.occupied:)

rolling right along...

2011-01-11T15:09:00.003-06:00

Condo stuff is keeping me busy, and sane (mostly). I'm continuing to take Estrace three times a day. That little blue pill really is nasty. It's not easy to swallow, and sometimes doesn't make it all the way down the first time. Gag-o-rama:(
I've developed a dull, nagging, never-go-away headache, from the Estrace I assume. Otherwise, no side effects so horrible that I feel the need to go on and on about them.

3 days until monitoring appt. I'm ready to see what's going on in there. Hopefully my lining is plumping up nicely and is soft and getting ready to act as the welcome wagon for Sophia's sibling(s). I can only hope.

We survived the realtor's visit this weekend. In all, they only had some minor recommendations. Apparently, we put TOO much stuff in the pods. "Do you have a picture to go there?" "Yep, in the pod." "Do you have a night stand and lamp?" "Yep, in the pod." So, I spent quite a bit at Bed, Bath and Beyond yesterday trying to liven the place up with some personality. Dan threw a fit of course, but I didn't buy anything that I 1) didn't like or 2) don't plan on using again.

The photographer was supposed to take pictures today, but cancelled due to the snow storm. He's coming tomorrow instead. I'm feeling really good about how the place looks. We signed the selling contract, and I feel pretty good about our pricing. There are currently 21 condos for sale in our zipcode that are similar to ours; two of those are on our street. We've chosen to list our condo for 10k less than those two. Can you tell we are motivated to sell? We will probably lose money in this whole deal, but we need to get out. It's time. I've detached myself already. There should be a For Sale sign in the yard by Friday:)

Sophia continues to be utterly fantastic. Her schedule seems to be changing a bit. She's going to bed a bit early, waking earlier. She now sleeps from about 8:30 to 7:30 or 8. It's hard for me getting ready in the morning, when she's awake, but I also love the extra "me" time in the evening. And, now that the condo is just about ready, I actually see a book in my future:)

I think she might be teething, molars I assume? She's drooling, and fussy, and clingy. I am able to see her top gums when I turn her upside down. Thankfully, she loves that game. The bottom gums are harder to see. I *think* I might have felt the sharpness of a tooth this weekend, but really can't be too sure.

Her signing is coming along well too:) Except, yesterday she seemed to be signing "more" when she really wanted "milk." Not sure how that happened, lol. She's also starting to sign "potty" which is really cute, since it's sort of a complicated movement for her. The end result looks like she's waving:) She can also sign "all done" when she's finished eating, although the tell-tale sign is when she rips her bib off!

a happy Friday morning

2011-01-07T11:47:00.003-06:00

Early mornings are not usually my best time. Yes, I'm more of a morning person than a night person, but I still don't like getting out of bed. This morning was no different.

My alarm went off at 6. I snoozed until 6:30, at which time Sophia started fussing (and clearly wasn't stopping), so I went to get her and brought her to bed with us (because I still wasn't ready to face the world). She positioned herself directly on top of me, nestled her head into my neck and started making sweet little Sophie noises. Sierra was on the side of me, pressing all of her weight into me, keeping me warm. Dan was alternating petting Sierra and rubbing Sophie's back. Sophie started petting Sierra (and Sierra let her!) It was wonderful. Not the type of morning waking I am used to. It was so hard to get up to start the day, but I'm still thinking about those wonderful few minutes this morning:)

FET update: I do believe the Estrace is working. I'm starting to get some "signs" that things are working down in the girly region. 7 days until my monitoring appt.

13 months

2011-01-05T15:48:00.003-06:00

How is it possible that Sophia is 13 months old? The phrase that "time flies" really has never been more true.
I posted a few days ago about some of the fun stuff she is doing, but I left some out...because, well...she is SO fun and everything she does is entertaining.

1)She loves her wooden puzzles. She likes to pick up the pieces and clap them together. But, before that she will hold each one up to her ear like it's a phone.

2) She loves light switches, and when she flips them on and off, immediately turns in the direction of the light to see what she has done, lol.

3) She hugs and pats her baby dolls.

4) She has started to pat Sierra. too cute.

5) She is a water CHUGGER. SHe LOVES to drink, especially with her straw cup.

6) She loves for me to chase after her (me on all fours). She finds it hysterical.

7) She points all the time. I greet her in the morning and she immediately turns to her closet and starts pointing.

8) She signed "more."

9) I think she's trying to sign "milk" but doesn't have it quite right yet.

10) Her favorite sport is hockey. If the TV is on (which it is ALWAYS on) and she is playing, and Dan puts it on hockey her head spins around so fast you think her neck will break.

11) The girl seriously needs another hair cut already. Mark of a true redhead that her hair grows so fast?

12) She knows that her coat means "bye-bye."

13) She continues to be infatuated with pulling everything out of drawers, and is not humored when I put everything back in.

14) Since weaning, our nighttime routine has been for her to get in bed with me while I watch TV. She snuggles her little head into the crook of my neck and drinks her milk. Once she gets tired of the milk, she will alternate the milk with her Wubbanub, and then try to put both in her mouth at the same time. Ultimately, she falls asleep nestled tightly against me. It's my favorite time of the day.

15) For the life of me, I can't get her to pose for a picture. All I seem to get lately are action shots. THe girl is on the move.

The weighting game...

2011-01-04T08:42:00.003-06:00

Up it goes.

My *normal* (pre-IF hormone) weight is about 130. When I got pregnant with Sophia I was up to 140, and then gained 23 pounds while pregnant. I lost it all within 10 days, and then the weight continued to plummet. At my thinnest, I weighed 122, but my norm, while breastfeeding, was about 124 (which was less than I weighed when we got married!). Complete weaning coincided with Christmas eating,so it's hard to say what's the culprit, but after Christmas I was up to 127.

Today, 3 days into Estrace (and nearing the end of my period) I weighed 128.5. So, here we go. Goodbye to my size 6 skinny jeans, lol:(

Because I feel the need....

2011-01-03T14:05:00.003-06:00

I'm posting twice in one day.
1) Guess what I just got?! An e-mail from a co-worker that his son was born on Dec 29. The kicker? A family pic attached of mom, dad, new baby and TWO year old big sister. I tell you...these people just FIND me, lol:)
2) I talked to my nurse today and my estimation of b/w and u/s on Jan 14 was right on. Should all look good that day, meaning my ute is nice and plump and comfy-looking, I'll start PIO on Jan 16 and FET will be Jan 16.
3) I hope I didn't jinx myself this morning. My obgyn nurse called to reschedule my annual exam which was, ironically, scheduled for Jan 21. I told her we were going through an IVF procedure and "let's just push it to Feb in hopes that it can be a prenatal visit." Damnit, WHY did I say that? WHY, why WHY?!?!?

Down the hatch to 2011

2011-01-03T10:33:00.004-06:00

My period showed a day early, so I started my Estrace bright and early on 01/01/01:)
I'm much more excited than I should be on cd3 (t minus 18 days). I'm waiting (patiently) on a call from my nurse to schedule my b/w and u/s. I'm assuming it will be Friday, Jan 14.

It's funny how our mind works, or at least how mine works. I was at the mall on Sunday, and guess who I saw? Moms with baby bumps, and toddlers. I swear, the only women I saw were 1) pregnant and 2) already a mom. It's like when you want to buy a new car, and the only cars on the road you see are the ones you are interested in. craziness.

I think the only thing that is going to keep my mind occupied these next several weeks are the home improvements we are doing in order to get our condo on the market. I spent ALL weekend taping, painting, keeping Sophie out of the paint, keeping Sierra out of the paint. It's endless. We got so much done, but it just highlights what we still have left to do.

Here's our January timeline:
Jan 7: realtor stops by to see our improvements; talk about listing price
Jan 11: photographer comes by to take pics for website
Jan 14: u/s and b/w (I think)
Jan 18: broker open house
Jan 21: FET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jan 23: first open house to public
Feb 2: BETA (I think)

Talk about a whirlwind. The goal, minimally, is for me to keep my sanitity during this time. Honestly, I'm glad it's all happening at once. It keeps my mind busy for the most part, so that it doesn't wander into territories like due dates, maternity leave, etc.

And can I just say that 2010 was a really great year for me. Looking back, I can't remember a much better year in a very long time. I have my baby, we were all relatively illness-free, not hit too hard by the economy, my sister got married, my mom didn't loose her marbles, I still have a job. I can only hope that 2011 is as great, if not better:)

time for the over-analyzation of...everything.

2010-12-30T12:04:00.008-06:00

Guess what? I'm spotting! This is great, but is causing such much UNanticipated anxiety. I haven't been keeping up with my cycles for the past 4 months, only know that they have been extremely regular. My nurse anticipates my period to start this Sunday, but if I'm already spotting I might start earlier. B/c that's how I've been rolling with pp periods.

THis morning, my neurotic thinking kicked into action as I was thinking about my GREAT prolactin level. I actually thought "I wonder if they got my test mixed up with someone elses? This would mean my prolactin could be really high, and prevent implantation. Should I call to make sure they gave me the right number?" YES, I really pondered calling, but then realized what an absolute freak-squad I was being and let it go...but the thought is still there lingering.

I'm feeling the need to update about Sophie's "un-official stats" before Jan 5. She's doing so much fun stuff right now, and I just don't want to forget it. For the last month or so, she's taken to lying on her belly in the middle of the floor. She'll just roll over on her belly, and lie there, cute as can be. I can also see the start of tantrums. When she's in belly pose, she has recently started to kick her feet on the ground. No screaming yet, but I'm anxiously anticipating.

I know I've mentioned before she points at EVERYTHING. She LOVES pointing at pics of herself on the wall. I assume she doesn't realize it's her, but when I say "where's the pretty baby" she points to her pictures:)

I realized last night that she is off the bottle! We've gradually been eliminating it, and now, suddenly, it's gone. YAY big girl:)

She LOVES straw sippies. She'll tolerate regular sippies, but in her world, the straw rules.

She discovered my nostrils. She broke my headband. SHe likes to rip the paper off of her nesting blocks. She continues to growl/grunt when hungry---very sexy:) She's been hanging out with all three Wubbanubs in tow, lately. She likes to feed Sierra....with people food. She is infatuated with my bathroom. She loves all trashcans, as well as their contents. She likes to "help" Dan empty the dishwasher.

Merry good Prolactin check to me!!!

2010-12-28T13:52:00.006-06:00

With Christmas shopping, planning, etc, my b/w appt yesterday completely snuck up on me. I've been dreading the results of my prolactin level, fearing that my 2 weeks of weaning wouldn't have been enough time to drop the hormone to a sufficient level. BUT, it is at an 8, "within normal range." This means that I can start Estrace with the start of my next period, hopefully in the next 7 days or so. Yee-haw!!!

Christmas came and went in a whirlwind. Sophie wasn't all that in to the gift opening this year. I assume next year will be quite a different story. I, however, was ecstatic to spend the time with her. I was like a kid in a candy store, just loving the fact that I have a daughter to celebrate with.

Christmas Morning how can you resist this face??

Christmas Eve morning. Her first time in the snow.

Christmas Eve

and so it begins...

2010-12-22T07:33:00.005-06:00

My FET meds arrived yesterday. Granted, they are a far cry (in amount and money) from fresh IVF meds, but it's still a bit daunting. This big 'ole pile of meds includes Estrace, Prednisone, antibiotics, pre-natal vits and progesterone (PIO). Those needles? Yeah, they're big. IM needles. I'm sure Dan can't wait, lol;)

To keep my eye on the prize, and remember why I am doing this...my sweet, sweet baby girl. Oh, how I want her to have a sibling.

Starting to play the moving game...

2010-12-20T07:32:00.006-06:00

Dan and I spent the weekend loading two pods with all of our stuff (crap, according to Dan). We successfully filled TWO pods with bookcases, shelves, a dresser and a bazillion boxes of books and other misc stuff that we hope to not need for a few months.

Sunday, our handyman came over and helped us with some minor fixes that need to be done. So, we're *that* much closer to being able to put our condo on the market. I must say, it feels good to de-clutter. We still have a decent amount of painting to do, and some other handyman work that he couldn't get done yesterday. The deadline is January 10, which is when the realtor's photographer will come take pictures.

Thankfully, Sophia was a good girl (as usual), and let us get lots done this weekend. She goes through phases of independent play and thankfully this weekend was one of them.

Weaning is going well. After my last post about the engorgement I was having, I went home and pumped a bit. And then a bit more the next morning. Apparently, that was the trick, b/c I've had no more engorgement since then. I have leaked a bit here and there, but not much. We almost had a set-back though, last night. Sophie and I were in the tub. Yes, I'm back to getting in with her b/c it's the only way she won't throw a fit. All was fine until she turned around in the tub and saw my boobs. And she tried to go for it, lol, and I ALMOST let her, but fought it. We got out of the tub quickly after that.

Her nighttime sleep has also changed since weaning. She's sleeping an hour more in the morning. I'm assuming it's because she's more full from the whole cows milk??

Here are some of the latest pics.

She's learning how to hug and "pat" her baby on the back. I LOVE it:) See all that crap behind her? It's in the pod now...but not her toys!

Love this too...not much longer before that crawl will turn into a walk.

Loving her baby chunk:)

"Helping" me decorate the tree:)

updates...

2010-12-14T14:45:00.002-06:00

Sophia's first birthday has come and gone. We had a fun party, and lots of our favorite people were able to make it. I'll post pics when I can. For now, I just wanted to catch up with a post, since the time is FLYING.

Sophia's official stats are 22 pounds (60th percentile), 29 inches (40th percentile), and 95th percentile in head, lol. She's been really consistent in all of her measurements for this first year.

She is back to hating bathtime:( She won't even sit down. I have to bathe her, in the bathtub, with her standing up. She's still interested in the bathtub though. I caught her last night, peering over the side...so I put her in, and got in with her, and we played, with no water, lol. I thought I'd try a bit of desensitization. We'll see.

Also, she LOVES to point! It started a few days before her birthday, and she is pointing at everything. I'm also attempting a little bit of basic sign language (milk, water, sleep, eat, etc). She just looks at me like I'm an idiot.

BIG news is that our FET is on the books for January 21st!!!! This is assuming my period will start on Jan 2, so if it doesn't, it could be one week earlier/later. I ordered meds yesterday too, and they should be delivered next week. I can't believe we're doing this again. I found my notes from consult with Dr. K.
In the first half of 2010, there were 7 cycles in which embryos were 1) from an egg of a 30-34 year old, and 2) frozen with the vitrification method. Of those 7 cycles, there were 6 transfers; of those 6 transfers there were 5 pregnancies (83%!!); of those 5 pregnancies, there were 4 sets of twins (80%!!). Those are some darn good odds, so I'm trying to keep myself in check.

We are almost at the point of complete weaning. Sunday was the last night I nursed her at bedtime. So, it's been almost 48 hours total, and my boobs are NOT happy. There was some leaking this morning, but so far nothing else today. I came *this* close to giving in to her last night. She always falls asleep in our bed, and then I transfer her to her crib. I gave her a bottle and she didn't think twice about it, but then after she finished she got really whiny. I don't think it was b/c I didn't nurse her, I think it was more b/c she was so tired. But is was so hard to NOT give in, b/c I knew nursing her would put her right to sleep.

I'm having some pretty serious guilt about this entire thing. I need to remind myself that I had planned to wean at one year anyway.

un-official stats for ONE year!!!

2010-12-03T14:59:00.003-06:00

Well, the time is almost here for my baby girl to turn 1!! To be exact, 12:07 pm on December 5. Because I know this weekend is jam-packed, I thought I'd give Sophia's un-official stats a few days early.
1) size 3 diapers
2) 12-18 month clothes
3) EIGHT teeth!
4) SHe has discovered that drawers and cabinets open.
5) She delights in pulling things out of said drawers and cabinets, lol:)
6) She does not find it the least bit fun when the things she pulls out get put back in!
7) Sleeping overnight in her crib (finally!). She might wake up a time or two, but always goes back to sleep. I have NOT gone in to save her.
8) Falls asleep about 8:30, and sleeps until about 7 am.
9) Loves her glo-worm.
10)She gets one bottle of cows milk in the morning (4 oz). Otherwise she is still drinking breastmilk, whether fresh or frozen.
11) We're down to 2 nursing sessions. One when I get home from work and the other before she goes to bed. Next session to go (on Monday) is the one when I get home from work.
12) Loves to sleep on Dan's belly;)
13) Has found my belly button, and will point to it when I say "where is mamma's belly button."
13) Knows the term "wubby"...her Wubbanub (soothie).
14) She is as hot-blooded as her dad. SHe is a sweater, and fleece is not her friend.
15) SHe has my laid back personality. Not too much gets on her nerve.
16) She and Sierra and getting better at coexisting.
17) Stands on her own. I don't think walking is far behind.
18)Loves putting her toes in her mouth at diaper changes, assuming she is willing to stay on her back. I've had to change a few diapers later with her standing up.
19) SHe is intrigued by the fridge, and it's always a rush to get in/out before she can get there.
20) She eats. Alot. All the time.
21) She's starting to give kisses, which is more of an open mouthed saliva bath on my cheek. I adore her kisses:)

cows milk, straight up

2010-11-29T16:39:00.006-06:00

Well, one of my worries has been swept off the table. This weekend, I gave Sophie a bottle with cow's milk only. I was really afraid she was not going to drink it, but she sucked it down:)

This week starts my cutting out the pre-work nursing session. My boobs were already full when I left for work, lol, and right now they feel like rocks:) I don't think I can hold out much longer!! I gave her a bottle this morning, which I thought she might resist, but surprisingly she is fine with it. Then, just to give myself a little relief, i let her nurse for one minute on one side and then stopped her.

Her b-day party planning is about done. I ordered the cake today, and we just have a few little things left on the list. I cannot believe she is going to be one.

In honor of the holidays...

being thankful

2010-11-23T14:36:00.003-06:00

I just got news that a pregnant co-worker lost her baby at 5 months, this past weekend. It hit me really hard, and I didn't even know her very well. She was showing, and SO excited to be pregnant:(

It just puts it into perspective for me how much of a miracle it really is to get, and stay pregnant. When I heard the news, I immediately went into questioning mode. She was here and worked late on Friday. At that time, she was still happily pregnant. But, something happened this weekend. What was it? Bleeding, contractions, what? Did she have an u/s on Saturday that told the bad news? She should have been feeling movement by this time. Did she go for awhile not feeling movement, and so went to the ER to get checked out? I hate that I am obsessing over this. I went back in my mind to our 20 week appt, when we found out that Sophie was a girl. What would have happened, how would our lives be different, if she had lost her heartbeat and we had found out that day?

How long would it have taken to get over it? WOuld we have tried again? COULD I have tried again?

I realize these are ridiculous questions, and most definately not a path I should travel down mentally for very long.

My heart goes out to A, and her family.

weaning, sleeping and bathtime oh my!

2010-11-22T11:42:00.004-06:00

Weaning is...going, I guess. The first week of not pumping was successful. However, sitting at work on Friday, I realized we don't have enough frozen breastmilk to make it to the one year mark. I called the pedi nurse and got the ok to start mixing cows milk in with the breastmilk, which we started on Sunday. It didn't go so well, but that could also be because it was the first bottle I've given to her in months. She was less than thrilled, lol, and only ate about 50% of it. Which of course upset me, b/c there went 4 oz of breastmilk down the drain:(

I was planning on giving it until Thursday to cut another session. BUT, this morning I fed her at 5 am so decided to go with it, and not feed her again before I left for work. It was SUCH the decision for me. I kept going back and forth, but ultimately decided to leave without feeding her. BTW, thanks to lots of advice, I opted to make the next session to be cut out the before work feeding, as opposed to the before bed feeding. Often, I feel like I force her to eat in the morning. Not really force, b/c she doesn't complain, but she also can take it or leave it. So, this morning we left it. It was hard for me to not have that time with her before work though:( dislike.

Sleeping...is also going. Friday night she woke me up crying in her crib. I was in the DEEPEST sleep and honestly thought it was 4 or 5 in the morning. I thought "wow, she did really well" and went to get her, only to look at the clock in her room and see that it was only 11:50. But, I was in her room already, and there was no going back, so into our bed she went. Saturday night was better. Last night, she cried alot, but I hung in and she finally slept until 5 am:(

Bathtime...has taken an upturn. For the past 6 weeks or so, it's been like pulling teeth to put her in the bath. She was so resistant that I finally started trying to bathe her in the kitchen sink, because at least then I could stand and be more comfortable while trying to fight her tantrum. Finally, last week, I got in the tub with her. She was very cautious, but she sat on my lap and we played and we splashed and she *almost* had fun. Since then, I've found her several times just hanging out, looking in the tub. Last night, I opted to give her a bath, even though she didn't need one, just to keep her interested (and happy) with bathtime. So, it looks as if we've beat this issue:)

crying it out...

2010-11-19T10:52:00.003-06:00

To update about weaning...so far, cutting out this first session has been ok. 2 days ago, I went 12 hours though, and that was a bit rough on the girls, but I made it home and Sophia was able to give me some relief, lol.

I need to talk about about her overnight sleeping. Up until my sisters wedding about 6 weeks ago, we were totally in the groove. I'd successfully moved her bedtime to 9ish (from 10ish), and it was working well for us. Then, we spent 2 days in a hotel, with lots of new hands holding her, and it all went to hell. Since then, she sleeps in bed with us more often than she doesn't. I've finally gotten to the point that I let her fall asleep in our bed, and then (attempt to) move her to her crib. This typically results in her screaming about 5 minutes after I put her down, to which I respond by picking her up again and putting her back in our bed. We do this cycle 2-3times before I give up and just let her sleep in our bed.

I KNOW it's just about comfort. Seriously, once I pick her up and she knows she's on the way back to our bed, she's asleep before her head hits the bed.

I do LOVE her to sleep next to me, but this also feeds into comfort nursing in the middle of the night. Lately, she has wanted to nurse up to 3 times each night. It's fine, BUT, I know she's not hungry, and quite honestly it is tiring. Not her actual nursing, but waking up, falling asleep, same thing 2 hours later. Each night, I tell myself this has got to stop. THis is NOT going to be good for weaning.

So last night, I laid down the law. When I got home I told Dan "I'm going to let Sophie cry tonight. I don't know how long I will last, but I need you to be supportive of whatever I decide. I don't need your physical help, but I do need your emotional support so no sighing, foot-tapping, hand-patting on the chair to let me know in your passive aggresive way that you on not happy." He said ok, and that was that.

Fastforward to bedtime. She finally fell asleep in our bed, after nursing, at about 9:45. I put her in her crib at 10:10, and the crying started about 5 minutes later. She cried for 20 minutes. I wanted to give in. I really did. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that if she comes back to our bed, I will once again not get a solid night's sleep, not to mention the weaning aspect. Plus, I kept remembering people telling me "if you give in and go get her, you're going to have to go this long, plus more time, next time you try it." That alone was reason to not give in. And, the thought of my letting her cry like this was possibly scarring her for life also entered my mind a few times. As I was going back and forth in my mind, she stopped. Silence. For a second I wondered if she was dead, and that I realized how ridulous that thought was. I started to drift off, and then the crying started again. Slightly louder. She cried for another 10 minutes and then silence again. And that was that.

I must confess that I had a glass of wine before this ordeal started. Because I knew it would be an ordeal. It did make it slightly better, I guess. Is it horrible of me that I didn't find her crying completely heart-breaking? I mean, it was obvious she wasn't in pain. Her decibel level did get up there a few times, but for the most part it was a "why isn't anyone paying attention to me" cry.

She did wake up one time in the middle of the night, but I must have been exhausted b/c I barely heard her, which means I did NOT go get her. She woke up on her own at 7, ready to nurse, and then right back to sleep:)

So, I don't think there's any permanent damage done!

Project Weaning

2010-11-15T08:14:00.008-06:00

The time has arrived. Today is my/our first day of weaning. It's pretty bittersweet to be at this point. I never in a million years thought that I would even WANT to breastfeed, let alone do it for over 11 months. I feel really good about, although a bit guilty about the weaning. I know that even if we weren't planning on a FET, I had planned to stop at 12 months. I just feel guilty that she is missing out on more, just b/c I am being selfish and want to try to have another baby.

I have stopped pumping at work (which allows me 10 minutes to write this post). Sophia obviously won't be affected by my stopping pumping, but my boobs sure are dreading it. I would say there have been a handful of times since returning to work that I forgot my pump/pump parts at home, and so couldn't pump. Let's just say I was thrilled when I got home. I'm assuming I'll start getting pretty uncomfortable about 3 pm.

I'm going to attempt to cut out 1 session every 7-10 days. Next week will be the before bed feeding, which generally happens around 9 pm. I am DREADING her reaction to it:(

Since there is sure to be lots of boob talk in the next few weeks, let's look at some fun pics today:)

Blurry, but I don't care. I love her little sausage arms. THis was Saturday, before bathtime:)

She loves cheese:) Until we got smart with cubed cheese, we were giving her shredded, which is what is all over her in this pic. Also, she is showing us her "touchdown" move:)

The FET plan:)

2010-11-11T09:27:00.002-06:00

Phew...I went in Monday to get my P4 drawn to make sure I wasn't close to O'ing. I forgot my purse at home, and then had some serious anxiety when I pulled into the parking lot. I got the call that my P4 was where it should be for the cycle day, so we went in yesterday to talk to Dr. K.

She did the SHG and TET first. When she walked in to the u/s room, she looked dissapointed that Sophia wasn't there, lol. I told her she was in the waiting room with Dan and she was happy again:) She asked if Sophie had learned how to say "Aunt Sarah" yet (her name). I told her no, but she would:) The procedures hurt like a mo-fo...and the dildo-cam...what more can I say about that??!

The good news is that everything looked fine. Next up was the consult. She and the rest of the staff oohed and aahhed over our sweet girl for a few minutes, and then we got down to business. Turns out that we have three embies, not two. The third one is necrotic, so obviously not the best option, but it looked good enough that the very picky lab had decided to freeze it in the first place.

The GREAT news is that in Jan 2009 the lab switched to a new freezing technique, vitrification. Apparently, this is a stellar method:) In the first 1/2 of 2010, for FETs where the embies were frozen using this method (and in my age range when embies were retrieved), the stats are as follows...7 FETs resulted in 5 pregnancies; 5 pregnancies resulted in 4 sets of twins. Holy cannoli. Essentially, if we can get pregnant, there's an 80% chance of twins.

She never gave us a percentage for us, but bottom line, our chances are MUCH better this time around than they were with FET #1.

The plan is for me to wrap up bfing by the end of the year. I'll start Estrace with my January cycle (most likely early in the month), with FET planned for a Friday in late January or early Feb.

I'm a bit intimidated by the likelihood of twins, but we're just as likely to be one of the two couples for whom this doesn't work. So we'll see. We're going with it. Dan was completely freaked out, but when I asked if he wanted to postpone/not do it at all, he said absolutely not.

11 months!!!

2010-11-09T10:51:00.002-06:00

Friday was Sophia's 11 month birthday. Just one more month until the big one, but for now...the unofficial stats.
1) red hair/blue eyes
2) wearing 12 and 18 month clothes
3) SEVEN teeth!!! 4 bottom and 3 top
4) no more baby food for her. If you stick a spoon by her mouth she'll smack it away. She's all about self-feeding, so we're into cheese (shredded and cubed), diced pickles and tomatos, peas, carrots, corn. So far, the only thing she hasn't eaten is steamed brocolli. I think it just wasn't the right texture for her. She didn't mind the taste, just couldn't chew it.
5) Is very into electrical outlets and wall vents:(
6) 2nd haircut
7) loves to play with (unused) diapers
8) growls (yes, growls) when she is hungry. It's at those times that Dan calls her "your daughter"
9) size 3 diapers, and size 4 overnight for bedtime
10) does not dig people that she doesn't know well, or only sees rarely
11) the only toy she plays with on a daily basis is her box of letter/number blocks. She contantly takes the blocks out...puts the blocks in...lather, rinse, repeat.
12) She sings to us. We call it her "Mariah."
13) She'd much rather be standing than sitting.
14) She's cruising, and I expect walking will be here very soon.
15) So far, she has no problem with car rides. I'm worried she's going to start fussing soon, but I'm trying hard to keep her rear facing until she's 2.
16) Seems to finally have more of an interest in books than just chewing on them.

the beginnings of a FET plan...

2010-10-19T14:46:00.002-05:00

After numerous messages to/from Dr. K's secretary, I have an appt on Nov 9 to see Dr. K for a consult. At that time, she will also do the SHG, to make sure my uterus is nice and smooth and the trial embryo transfer. The TET is done to "map" the path to my uterus, in preparation for the actual transfer. At first, I was told I couldn't schedule these b/c I am still bfing, but after further investigation, aka annoying pushing from me, I was told that these two procedures can be done. I just have to get my p4 drawn the day before to make sure I am not Oing.

It's hard for me to believe that I'm back to talking in acronyms.

The FET plan, in my head, goes something like this...I will start weaning Sophie mid-November with the plan to be completely done bfing by the end of the year. At that point, I can start Estrace for the FET cycle. If I remember correctly, I was on it for several weeks with FET #1. FET would actually take place late January to mid-February.

I'm curious how Dr. K's plan will differ from that. I can't imagine it will be much different. In my mind, my main concern is that I want her to do the FET (as opposed to one of the other 2 RE's there). Plus, unless it's changed, FETs are only done on Fridays, just b/c they are so much more predictable and easier to plan for than a fresh transfer.

We have two frozen embryos and we'll transfer them both, should they both thaw. Thaw rate at Dr, K's office is 75%, but all three of ours thawed for FET #1.

Honestly, I'm not holding out much hope that it will work, but I have to give them a shot. I desparately WANT it to work, but I'm trying to be realistic. And the reality is, it took 8 tranferred embryos to get Sophia, so the likelihood of one of these 2 thawing and sticking around is not great.

I'm not too emotional about it at this point, but I know that will come. I just want it done so it's...well..done. This will most likely be the end of the line for us. I can't put forth the mental effort to go through another fresh cycle. Sophia is plenty for both of us, and we are absolutely content with her. That said, I would love for her to have a sibling. I feel like we owe it to her to try.